Hi everyone. I'm new here and mostly just wanted to check in and say hello. I've really been struggling lately and could use some hints.
A bit about me: Together 25 years (since we were freshmen in college), married 20, no kids. My husband and I have 2 houses, 5 hours apart, and had been commuting every week together for the last year. For the previous 2 years, though, he would often be out there by himself for his job and I would work here on our farm during the week. I thought we had been carving out a nice life here on our country property. A week before Christmas he had to travel back by himself because I had obligations locally. It was supposed to be for 3 days. We were laughing and joking together, and had recently had a wonderful Thanksgiving vacation. We've always been very affectionate. I thought we were good. Surprise!!!
Instead, while he was driving back here, he changed his mind and literally ran away from home the night before our 20th wedding anniversary, a week before Christmas. He blocked my phone number, my parents, and his mother's number and just disappeared. 6 days with no contact and me not having any idea where he was. I was terrified that he would hurt himself, though he had assured me in the past that he would do such a thing. (He actually flew out to the west coast to be with friends I didn't know existed, but I wouldn't learn that for another month.) On Christmas Day I got an email that he was safe and wanted to try living separately for a while. That was about it. He said he would only have email contact with me, and wanted us to "respect each other's boundaries." It was a pretty awful stretch of holidays in just the first 2 weeks - anniversary, Christmas, New Years, my birthday. I confess I didn't handle it very well. I wasn't angry, or at least I told him that, but I was completely bewildered and hurt. I ordered a lot of books, Including TDR, and started reading! Now he's in our other house, trying to find himself, and I'm here doing the same.
In the weeks since, we've had a more or less steady flow of email, and I've learned that he was leading a secret life. Not an affair, but this secret existence he created with friends he never told me about, clubbing, and, unfortunately, some pretty scary club drug usage. That scared the heck out of me. He has never had a lot of friends (neither have I, but I do have a good support network) and he had finally found a way to have some. I would have applauded that, if it weren't for the drugs and the deception - stories of working late when he was actually out clubbing, happy hours with coworkers that were actually more club nights, risky behaviors that put the life we had built at risk if he had hurt anyone while driving or gotten arrested. He denies addiction (but that doesn't mean much) and says it is incidental to the social aspect of his new friendships.
He's also aired some of his own issue and those he has with me. Mainly he frames himself as a doormat who always gives in to the needs of others at the expense of himself. Says he can no longer sacrifice himself as an individual in order to keep other people happy. He has also mentioned that he prefers city life to the country life I really love, and a few other things along those lines.
Lately, he has unblocked my phone number and we've added texting to our repertoire, but still no talking and no mention when I might see him again. We have been doing something called "1000 Questions for Couples" by email, 6-8 questions per day, and that's been interesting and sometimes revealing.
I'm doing my best not to pursue, push, talking much about our relationship, pressure. Basically the LRT with some breaks when it seems right. He admits he's lost and in a dark place, and I really think that he's deep in the throes of a MLC, not that I would say that to him. There has been no mention of the Big D.
I love this man, and I really do think that he loves me (he has said so clearly), but I am struggling. All the usual - I've lost 22 pounds that I really didn't need to lose, I ended up in the ER on Christmas Eve with the first panic attack of my life, all the usual symptoms of severe stress and grief...
I've been keeping myself really busy, joined the gym, spending time with friends, All the GAL stuff, but this limbo is hard, and the emotional roller coaster is worse. I'm trying to stay positive. Some days I can almost forget it and I'm distracted and happy and able to have fun. Other day, like today, not so much...
I did tell him that continued deception and drugs are not compatible with any future life we might have, and he agrees that has to be the case and is staying away from the social situations where he has perviously caved to the club peer pressure.
Does anyone have any ideas for my somewhat strange situation? How to adapt TDR to my stitch? I don't really have any idea how to make progress with such limited contact. I know I just have to wait. I haven't been telling him anything about my day to day activities, and I'm not asking about his, so how can I gracefully show him I'm even GAL? It's not like we can even see each other for a few minutes, given that we're living 5 hours apart.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks for all the links, Cadet. I'm knee deep in all the reading!
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm sorry you find yourself here and I wish there was an easy answer.
It appears to me that your H is clearly unstable. To just vanish like that is not something someone in their right mind does.
Most of the advice here on the board is universal. Focus on YOU. It is the hardest advice to follow because we all want to know why this happened, how this happened, when will it resolve itself? Will it resolve itself?
Keep posting and others will chime in. In the meantime, take care of yourself the best you can and allow time to do it's thing.
There are a lot of people here going through those tough emotions and trying to follow the steps / knowledge in the book and on these boards. There are a lot of wise and helpful people here. I'm only 6 weeks in to my ordeal, a little less than yours. Just trying to GAL and be very patient in my case.
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
I'm right there with you shreeve - working very hard on being patient. I know there's nothing I can do for him, beyond giving him the space he needs right now and setting some boundaries.
All I can really do is work on myself. I'm going to have to live my life whether he chooses to be a part of it or not. I'm just a little better at it some days than others!
I really liked the lighthouse analogy in the link above that Cadet posted.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
I just reread what I wrote and I forgot an important word - he told me he would NEVER do such a thing as hurt himself. Big difference. Oops. I still worried because what he had done was so plainly irrational and out of character.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Hi Phoebe, that must have been a horrible experience! Did you report him missing?
I also wonder - how did it come up that he promised you that he would never hurt himself? It's not something I think I've ever even discussed with my H...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I did not report him missing, but I wrestled with that every day for those 6 days. He did send me a short text the very first night that he was safe in a hotel and was turning off his phone. I thought it was just for that night and I'd hear from him in the morning, but nothing more came for those 6 days. I knew he didn't want to be found, and on some level I knew that my pushing the panic button and calling in the police would have made things much worse. On the other hand, I had no idea where he or why he had disappeared. I'm glad I didn't know the full extent of his risky behavior at that point, or it would have been even worse.
I know it's strange to discuss suicide when everything is going OK, but two years ago this month my uncle shot himself while my aunt was asleep in their house. The poor man saw his own father shoot himself when he was a child and his brother also shot himself. We've seen firsthand the fallout that suicide leaves behind and talked about it quite a bit. Then this past fall, another, more-distant, relative did the same thing. It seems like an epidemic in this area, so we've had a lot of opportunities to consider this really difficult subject.
Still, if there's anything that I've learned through this experience it is how hard it is to fully know another person. They can always surprise us.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
