Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
#2650711 02/06/16 07:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
J
J5K Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
This is the start of my new thread.

Here is a link to the old thresd.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2640280#Post2640280


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
Caught up since I last posted. JellyB was much more eloquent than I was in my quick summary. Every bit of Jelly's and sandi's posts are accurate and founded on good logic.

Having been in a place similar to your's, I cannot stress enough how much you need to switch your focus to your children. Coincidentally, as the other two pointed out, those 5 wonderful children are your best source of 180s, not your wife at this time. She is lost, confused, and waffling non-stop. You have listed at least three different decisions she is making about the children in just as many days. Red flag.

Now, father to father. You chose to be a father to those children. I'm sorry if this comes across as a bit harsh, but you really need to get past the thought that your 180s would best be done without your children with you. Us fathers get such a bad rap in this world because of thoughts like this. You have 5 boys. Those 5 pairs of eyes are watching every single move you make right now. My son very quickly learned, once I got my act together, that I was the stable, strong one. He also would be the sweetest boy that would give me a random, loving hug when I thought I was hiding the pain. Teach them what it means to be a man by overcoming an adverse situation with strength and caring. Show them that real men don't give up even when it gets difficult. And, in the special case of your children, teach them that not all fathers give up and leave them.


M: 8.5 T:10
Me:37 W:34 S:6

Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15
Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 986
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 986
Great post Squiggy. Loving, soulful men,caring for their children is one of the most attractive things a man can do. It's also one of the human things in the world. Everybody wins! Thanks Squiggy. Jelly xxx

Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
J
J5K Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
Thank you Squiggy, Jelly, and Sandi,

I will do my 180s for my boys. Although the things my W says are somewhat logical and can be seen from a different point of view, it does not excuse her choosing to stay at her parents as the right thing to do.

Jelly,

Yes, maybe the best thing is for me to move there with my boys after trial and I have custody. She may file in Toronto afterwards but I may have to take that risk.

Sandi,

Yes, I was shaking in my shoes when she said that she was detaching. That really scared me and I am sure based on other things she said that she would drop the boys off with me to go and have her fun. I don't trust anything she says anymore. As far as OMs go, I would prefer not to know about any of them or the details of her activities with them even though she says she is just friends. I definitely don't want to teach my boys that it is ok to run away from your problems and not face them head on.

Yes I filed and I will take the heat for that. She does not like that I am controlling but I guess she needs to figure out what kind of man she wants. I am taking charge now and that is what she wanted me to do in the past.

DB coach said WAWs want a vibrant life. Well I will do that with my boys and GAL, just not with her. Maybe she will wake up some day and see that and want to come back. Until then, I need to do what is best for me and the boys.

Thank you all again. She tried calling 3 times this morning but I didn't hear my phone ring. NC is the way to go. Unless she send me a text to speak with the boys, not going to interact with her at all.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
J
J5K Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
So today was a good day. Went to church with boys and got some housework done.

Question: Does W get to know if I have someone watching my boys? I don't want to be rude but how much detail should she know?


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
If the boys are safe and cared for, I don't really see a reason she needs to know. Worst case scenario you just need to make sure the person was a trusted one with the boys' best interests and well-being at heart.


M: 8.5 T:10
Me:37 W:34 S:6

Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15
Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 587
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 587
I agree with squiggy. As long as they are safe, why does she need to be told. If she asks then you can tell her, don't feel the need to explain yourself to her.

Do you expect that she will tell you each time she gets a sitter? Do you feel you should let her know? If yes then why? So she will know your GAL? So she will ask you about it? Or so she won't be mad when she finds out?

I'm not trying to put words in your mouth just help you understand if you feel there is a need to explain things to S.


The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
One of the consequences to walking out and leaving the children with the H, is not knowing the details from day to day of their lives.

You need to adapt to the 7 status of your M, which is separation. IMHO, this is not what I would see as a friendly separation b/c you do not support it
Ssv and it was not on mutual grounds(. Therefore, I would not be sending photos taken with the phone, org frn tell what new activity they are involved in during the week, or where they may have gone over the evfvtt vtv tv ngnng ftb g trvn weekend, or how you care for them. It is not your responsibility to work at keeping the children in her life. It is her responsibility, and since she chose, to Ht By leave, she has to get it the best way she can. .
T rv cv
This may sound mean spirited to you, but that is not my intentions here. The WW learns from consequences and losses. If you are supplying or enabling, then she will continue in her wayward state. She may anyway, but for sure, she will if you don't back out of her life and allow her to sink in her own fantasy.

She has to play this out and see it doesn't bring her the happiness she thought it would. She has to see what she's done to those she loved the most. She has to find her way out of the fog. You have to play hardball. Get a shark lawyer and keep your kids. Don't try to help her, fix her, or do something you think may cause her to miss the family. None of that stuff works. Only time and consequences gets through to the wayward wife. The more spoiled........the more wayward. The more wayward.......the more consequences and time it will take.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
J
J5K Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
Sandi,

I agree, I am separating. All I told her when she spoke with the boys yesterday was that it was a friend. She said she had a right to know and I politely gave the phone to the other two boys that she spoke with then hung up after she was done. She tried to call me twice after that later that night.

She also sent me a text saying she had a right to know and I did not respond.

This weekend she gets her parenting time with the boys. Our car cannot fit all of them. Do I give her the minivan and exchange cars or do I have her go buy car seats and borrow her father's car which will fit all the boys?


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
OMG, I don't know what happened to my last post. It has a lot of gibberish. I think my IPad is having a nervous breakdown! shocked


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard