This Buttercup knows that the Dread Pirate Roberts "killed my love."
The young man I married "Wesley" was so awesome. Everyone thought so. Now that same "everyone" is in shock at his actions.
I don't know what it was about this week. My guess is that it was 2 years ago that I discovered the emotional affair. Now it is obvious he was unhappy with turning 49, and chose to seek validation from adoring co-workers.
When I discovered it, he did not want a divorce; he wanted to work on the marriage But He Didn't. I see now he was so conflicted with his new path: He has been unhappy for years and kept hoping it would get better. The young suitor inside remembers the love and attraction and he "gives it a try." He gives it a try for years, all the while being discontent.
He disconnects and falls out of love. He perhaps is depressed: no desire to change, no desire to fight, no desire to examine his feelings. Retreat and discover that others make him feel pretty good. In comparison, he can't see what he has. He has a damn great wife, awesome daughter, amazing family, successful job, dream home, fabulous vacations..... and this old man looking back in the mirror, and this old man seeing an older woman replacing the Bride Buttercup.
Dissatisfaction grows and now here he is, out of love, in the fog of ow, moving out to minimize any responsibilities, telling himself that by providing financially is making sure the LBS is "taken care of."
I've dropped the rope. I am letting him go. I was able to get catharsis with an intense interaction yesterday and I realized: I'm right in the middle of this situation, in limbo, and I will not stay on his road. I'm on my own. And surprisingly, I am discovering I am having some compassion for the place he finds himself. It doesn't make me hurt any less, it doesn't make me want to divorce, it makes me see his hurting and wonder if he will ever realize that we have something worth keeping. He may never realize this. But I realize that. I've done everything I can to hold this M together. I am strong and true to my values. I can hold my head up and present the best example of an independent woman to my daughter. And hopefully, I'll be able to sleep at night soon.
Buttercup
Me 50 H 51 M 17 T 20 D16 H EA Feb 2014 BD Sept 2015 H moved out Nov 2015 W Filed D papers Mar 2016
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Oh, buttercup. Besides the fact that you are referencing a favorite movie of my family's, you have written exactly my situation.
I too have dropped the rope. My H had been having an EA with a married woman from his office and everyone (office, her H, their-formally our-friends)just seems ok with it. Now that we are separated and H has filed for D, he acts as "Uncle H" to her family and they include him in activities. I am hardly on the radar.
H is acting like he is such a nice guy, so concerned with taking care of me, but its more like a way to appear like a nice guy while getting what he wants. Nice would have been communicating how he felt in such a way that we weren't in this situation. Not letting someone else into our R and triangulating. I played my part in our problems, but I have been making an effort at changing myself. He just gave up on the M.
Anyway, this
I've dropped the rope. I am letting him go. I was able to get catharsis with an intense interaction yesterday and I realized: I'm right in the middle of this situation, in limbo, and I will not stay on his road. I'm on my own. And surprisingly, I am discovering I am having some compassion for the place he finds himself. It doesn't make me hurt any less, it doesn't make me want to divorce, it makes me see his hurting and wonder if he will ever realize that we have something worth keeping. He may never realize this. But I realize that. I've done everything I can to hold this M together. I am strong and true to my values. I can hold my head up and present the best example of an independent woman to my daughter. And hopefully, I'll be able to sleep at night soon. wink
is true for me as well. I'm with you on this journey. Love your words of strength.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
buttercup, Welcome to the MLC Forum! I'm sorry you decided to come over to our side of the world...but...you will find some that the posters are just as nice and helpful here as they are in the other Forums.
Dropping the rope is a very good thing and I hope that you continue to let him go. Your h needs time and space to figure things out.
Please feel free to ask questions, vent or just to chat. There is always someone around to respond to your postings.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You sound strong and have clarity.. He may realize that what you have is worth keeping but sometimes it takes time
I just got off phone with a good friend of mine who tells me her MLCer XH keeps asking her back …she keeps blowing him off..
You never know..but the certain thing here is our willingness to let go..change and move forward in positive ways I like the fact that you have compassion for him.. hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peace, I'm going to thank you and take the compliment of being compassionate. H has made me feel so worthless, I'm trying to appreciate "my" qualities, esp those that are all mine.
Buttercup
Me 50 H 51 M 17 T 20 D16 H EA Feb 2014 BD Sept 2015 H moved out Nov 2015 W Filed D papers Mar 2016
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My daughter said that today will be a good day. Yesterday was an interesting day. Visited with in-laws. MIL in rehab and I had only visited twice with H before now. We are very similar and have had tumultuous moments. But from the beginning, she has offered up herself to me to be there for me as needed. (I don't have many role models in my family of origin.) We've been texting and she has been a good listener. We talked over an hour yesterday. Her second husband was unfaithful and she says she understands. She voiced her concerns that since her son has been lying for so long, how much does anyone, herself included, really know him. Her top concern is for her grandchild, who has pulled away from her as well as her dad.
Right now I'm lonely. She's doing homework and I'm doing laundry. And napping. I keep pointing my thoughts towards my GAL goals.
Next weekend I plan to take drill to broken bed and get rid of it. I have a presentation to give at work which I really want to kick ass at. I hate giving presentations. I talk too fast and stammer. Everyone can hear my voice shake.
Finished the book I was reading. My #1 hobby has suffered during the maelstrom. Feeling overwhelmed with being left to do it all has interrupted any cohesion of thought. Baby steps, and I know which book is next (besides the continuous DR & DB).Guess I will chance this week's grocery shopping during the game this evening.
Sending everyone uplifting thoughts for a great day.
Buttercup
Me 50 H 51 M 17 T 20 D16 H EA Feb 2014 BD Sept 2015 H moved out Nov 2015 W Filed D papers Mar 2016
