Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 63
G
GoodDad Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 63
Wow... Sandi... I think I have learned more from you just today than I have learned in all of my reading. You should write a book. smile You have us pretty much pegged. I am overboard or obsessive in nature. She is the opposite. Loves sleeping in and loves vacations. In the last few years I have taken over doing everything around the house and with the kids... I kept thinking if she had less stresses in life she would be happier and I don't mind doing work. I'm wired that way. I have talked with my counselor about letter her do more of the work and how I NEED to do that. It's not that she won't it's just that I do it before she gets a chance... It's nothing for me to get the kids to clean the bathrooms (and touch up after), do the laundry, vacuum, clean the kitchen, then play video games with my boys and read books to my daughter... And I have zero resentment for doing any of it. I probably have spoiled her. Part of our money problems are because I always say, go ahead, buy it... I'll make some extra money doing some extra jobs. We both have very good jobs and I find myself doing side jobs to make extra money that I never spend on myself.

That's why it's tough feeling so betrayed after all I have done... Plus I take care of myself, being in good shape and looking nice all the time. I can go out to the bar and have women approach me on a regular basis.

I swear I'm not full of myself... I am really a humble person. Hard to believe I know... I would never say these things to anyone in person, but I won't sell myself short here. I bring a lot to the table... but I need to STOP doing everything and start getting out and doing stuff for myself. But I have no idea what I want to do. In the summer it's easy. I love to golf. In the winter it's another story.

I'm not saying I deserve this... I grew up Catholic, but stopped going to church after I got married because my wife was Christian, but not Catholic... so we chose nothing. A mistake in my mind now. I'm not a holy roller but if I shared some of the experiences I have had where God has tried to reach out to me you would think I would be making them up. Long story short, my mom had cancer a few years ago... I went to every apt with her. It was sad watching her die. No way I could have been as strong as I was on my own. God helped me through that. I was close to Him at that time... but then life got easy and I lost sight of him again. So if feels like He hit me with the ultimate wake up call here. I had made my W my God... I put her on a pedestal so high she would have had to look down to see God. Now I realize how bad that was for me.

So, I'm looking at this as a chance to get my priorities right. God is first. Then I need to make sure I am the best person I can be. Then my marriage. Then my kids. I can't fix my marriage now so I'm working on my relationship with God and being the best person I can be. It's working most days. Other days Xanax does the job. smile

Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 196
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 196
GoodDad, if you haven't already, look up "parent/child" or "underachiever/overachiver" dynamic. Sounds like what you had going on there as did I.


H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21
M:12 BD:1/15
In-house Separation 2/15
DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15
Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16
Reconciliation 1/17
Obviously still struggling
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 63
G
GoodDad Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 63
Ok... So I have a question. Again. I'm supposed to be detaching. Things having been going pretty good with my W. It was 4 weeks ago that she said she ended things with OM. I have no reason to believe she is lying but really no reason to trust her either. The OM lives 3 hours away. we have been trying to sell some concert tickets online. Yesterday right in front of me she got a text about them and arranged the sale. We have done this in the past with tickets many times. The problem is she planned to drive to the large city area where the OM lives. My W grandpa is a nursing home there too and she is super close with him and has been saying she needs to go see him. She says it will be a good chance to see him. So here's my question. Will she be seeing her grandpa? Yes. Will she be selling the tickets? Yes. Will she take the chance to meet up with the OM? I have no idea.

Do I express my concerns? Act like I don't care? Encourage her brother to go when I see him today? Encourage her to take one of our kids?

I know I can't stop her but the cut off is still so recent. Plus I can't stand that she isn't acting like... Hey I know this might bother you but...

What do I do?

Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 516
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 516
I know I wouldnt express concerns because I could see that turning into a- you dont trust me, you never will trust me, blah blah etc etc fight.

You could mention to her brother she is going to see gpa today but I wouldnt push him too much into going because it will be obvious that you just dont want her to go alone.

Try to let it go. It will be hard. It will suck. Having my WAH go out overnight to god knows where with who knows and ME HAVING NO IDEA. I JUST SMILE and say have fun. BYE! Hardest thing in the world but it is part of my 180s for myself. To be trusting until I have solid proof not to be.


Me:24 H:26
T:7yrs M:4yrs
S:4 D:5
ILYBNILWY 12/5
PA Confirmed 2/19


Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 63
G
GoodDad Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 63
Any one else have thoughts on me asking about trip to city or should I just act like I don't care.

Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
It's not that you act like you don't care. It's part of being "lovingly detached". Your wife can go an visit with or without your permission or concerns. Let her do so.

I'm going to tell you from my own personal experience, you cannot compete with an OM/AP until you've made significant, consistent, and noticeable changes.

Rednail nailed it (*giggle*) when she said:
Quote:
Having my WAH go out overnight to god knows where with who knows and ME HAVING NO IDEA. I JUST SMILE and say have fun. BYE!
PMA and distancing instead of overly concerned and pursuing.

Oh! And do not, I repeat, do not bring her family into it. That's dangerous territory.


M: 8.5 T:10
Me:37 W:34 S:6

Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15
Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 63
G
GoodDad Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 63
Update... So I haven't mentioned the trip. Still stressing about it big time. Think we are close to getting away from OM and would hate to see slip up. Know I have zero control.

There was interesting dust up with her and once BF. Lots of lies hurt her friendships too. Lots of couple friends who are real disappointed. As of now we don't get invited to stuff for good reason. Last night she was bummed we didn't get asked to join them for a night out. I said, can you blame them. Told her it [censored] I lost my close group of friends I'm a way too. She agreed. Later a text battle with BF about lies. W broke down after saying I had no idea how many people I was hurting. It liked seeing her in a little pain.

She was extra cuddly in bed but I gave little back. I reassured her all of our fiends would welcome us back in time if she wanted that but it was up to her since she made the mess. She agreed.

Ugh... So hard to detach when I know she is in a bad place and showing so much good. I have backed way off on contact and ILUs. Still being kind and trying to b confident.

Wish she would say... I know my trip will stress u out but I swear on our kids you have nothing to worry about. Or at least reciognize that it will be tough for me. I'm still planning on saying have a safe trip. Tell your grandpa hi. And that's it. Easier said than done. What if she brings up me being anxious. Do I lie and say I'm not? Definitely be a Xanax day tomorrow.

Not looking for sympathy but just had talk with my dad yesterday about putting him in a nursing home. Now gave to get him moved. He's deteriorating fast which [censored] to see. So my stress level is through the roof and I have to act confident. No problem smirk

Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
You can do it. What you're thinking of saying in that last post is great. None of the negatives are in it, and it shows PMA.


M: 8.5 T:10
Me:37 W:34 S:6

Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15
Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
I see you have little control over your WW.

However, you have a boundary on this?

If so state it and the consequences, be prepared to reinforce.

Ask her to confirm she understands your boundary and the consequences.

As in "you are going to xyz, I know that ex OM lives there. The consequence of you meeting him will be Abc. Please confirm to me that you understand this"

Just my view

Hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 63
G
GoodDad Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 63
So I can see both sides... Say to her... Enjoy your day blah blah

Or say you know what happens if u meet up.

But there is no way I would know if she does.

Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard