That's what everybody says. I think the death of a child would be the closest level of pain. But even that, it happens and is over and you have to move past it at some point. Some of our situations drag on a year or more and it is like dealing with death over and over again every day.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
I think it's the anger that is the hardest for me right now. Since she wants to start splitting everything now, the confronting stance, the almost snarl if you dare propose something different.
She is all sweet one minute and talking nicely, then I make one suggestion for her to look after something and we are back to cold hostility. We have a house together that we had just built, it is not in a position to sell yet or we make a huge loss. She hasn't wanted to help with the paperwork until now but of course says she wanted to be part of it all along. I have suggested she take care of it this last month but no, she only wants to work together.
It is just unbelievable (and I know there are many here that see it to believe it) how someone can be so different, so quickly.
It is just unbelievable (and I know there are many here that see it to believe it) how someone can be so different, so quickly.
Living together in that environment is hard...I am there with you and its toxic at times.
And the hammer that has dropped and changed your world is disheartening and I feel your pain and anger. How about resentment too?
I feel pain, anger , resentment, sadness and longing for the old days but we all have to keep the act up and move on.
Hope you can get thru this rough patch.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
I feel just like you rich4j, it is so hard to live around. I am trying to keep calm and let it wash, doing a better job today than others. In some ways I look forward to some peace in the house when she moves out next month. She keeps saying I'm the one living in the past but will bring up any argument we had over the years.
She keeps saying I'm the one living in the past but will bring up any argument we had over the years.
As some have said here, the anger will continue to spew from old info and I get this all the time. I remember when.....
It will be lonely, weird, quiet when she leaves....but remember it will be peaceful. And use the time for you...easier said than done I know.
Keep the faith and hope your sitch changes for the best.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Oh I am, I have worked hard on myself. I know I'm in a better place but still doesn't make it easy to live with. I'm learning day by day to walk away as best I can and leave herself to her anger.
It's hard to see any change happening right now, I feel like I'm watching a train wreck in slow motion from the sidelines.
Just saw a scared little girl in my W tonight. I didn't try and fix her, only she can do that. I'm sure it won't change anything in the near future but for the first time in awhile she broke down in front of me. Not completely and I won't take it even as a first step.
Something she said last night is that she had spent many nights crying and making herself sick at night. She says she feels remorse even if she hasn't shown me. I know to not necessarily believe everything she says but she has closed her door several times since she signed her paperwork for the apartment.
I know this is a long process and she still has a rocky path ahead of her, in a way it did give me a sense of letting go a bit more.
I have this from an email newsletter series I have been receiving:
Last time you heard Kurt’s story about how he overcame his wife’s affair and managed to get his marriage back over the course of a year.
If you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend you go back and do that right now.
Today, we’re going to be looking at one thing in particular that Kurt did very well during his marriage’s recovery that you can apply to your marriage starting today.
What did he do?
He anticipated his wife’s forgiveness revolt.
WHAT IS FORGIVENESS REVOLT?
It’s exactly what it sounds like…
It’s when her response to feelings of forgiveness is to push away. Basically, forgiveness revolt is what happens when your wife realizes that she LIKES the changes that you’re making, but some part of her is still resistant to giving the marriage another chance.
WHAT CAUSES FORGIVENESS REVOLT?
In Kurt’s story, you noticed that he said his wife felt “condemned” by his forgiveness.
She’d had an affair, and instead of pushing her away, he said, “It’s okay; I still forgive you and love you and want you.”
This threw a HUGE wrench in her plans.
She had planned on him wanting to leave the marriage, and when he didn’t, her reaction was to try and push him away even harder.
Why?
Because she’d rather fight you and push you away than question her own decision to leave.
Especially if your wife has had an affair, you should expect to see some serious forgiveness revolt. The whole reason she told herself it was okay to cheat was because in her mind, the marriage was already over anyways… When you show her that no, the marriage is still alive, she will push away.
Note: This lesson is taken directly from Chapter 15 of Manly Marriage Revival. But, I believe it’s a concept that EVERY husband needs to know about, even if you haven’t bought the course.
HOW TO HANDLE FORGIVENESS REVOLT
Again, Kurt is an excellent example of how you should handle forgiveness revolt.
It starts by recognizing your wife's motivation:
What your wife WANTS you to do is get frustrated.
She wants you to get weak.
She wants you to give her any reason to stick with her decision to leave.
So, you need to ignore the revolt. Don’t let it affect you.
Don’t give her what she wants, which is for you to start pushing away from the marriage.
Instead, keep doing what you’re doing. Stand strong. Keep showing her the type of husband you know she wants to be with.
Soon enough, this phase will pass and she’ll let herself become intrigued with the changes you’re making, just like we talked about a few emails ago.
