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Ralph88 Offline OP
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I've been getting caught up in looking for answers in someone else's actions and words. Ok, couple of bad days in my mind, but I have to tell my mind that everything is A OK! Sandi and others have warned me of these things. Time for some goals.

1. Gym - At least 3 days this week. When 5 days last week. Mentally I need the 5 days a week, but my body has been a little upset with me. So the goal is 3 days, 5 days if I need it mentally. Also, more time in the hottub, sauna, and or steam room at the gym. So nice!

2. Journaling - Every time I need to vent or give myself a little pat on the back for progress, I need to get on here and type away. Thank you for the site giving me that luxury.

3. IC - Today I want to talk more about me, and less about the W and the R. I'm sure there will still be some talk of those two things, but I need to do more on me.

4. GAL - Spent some time with the father in law yesterday helping on some projects. There was some discussion of W and R, even though we both tried to not do it. We had fun and we laughed together and got a big project at his house accomplished. [censored] that the best guy pal I have right now is family to W.

Will go out at least once this weekend. Besides church alone on Thursday, thinking of Wednesday alone movie time after the kids go to bed. Sunday I'm planning on having a Super Bowl party. Inviting a mix of people, married couples, single people, some with kids (for my kids to hang out with). The W was suppose to be out of town for work, but that fell through. I informed her, and that she was free to invite people, or go off and do something else if she wanted, but that I was inviting kids for our kids.

5. Looking for a house to rent for 3-6 months. I feel that right now, although DBing and DR and LRT, the lack of actual personal space is not going well.

6. Be kind to my W, show her the respect of a neighbor, give her space, know that she has to deal with whatever she has to deal with and I have to deal with whatever I have to deal with. I'm hopeful and positive. Treating this as a marathon, not a sprint.

Goals written, now I have a place to reference them, and add more as I go on through this journey.


Ralph88
Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9
2013 B drop 1, EA found
2016 B drop 2, EA/PA?
2/16 Physical Seperation
2/16 I filed for D
4/16 PA Confirmed
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Ralph88 Offline OP
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I've been some what successful with me goals. I'm still struggling and I admit it.

I have realized that I need space as much as my W does. I have moved from the M bedroom into a spare bedroom, and moved all me clothes with me. It was something that I had to do, to see if I could. I was successful, and have slept there two nights. Although the sleep wasn't perfect like I felt it was before the B Drop, I was way better than it's been for the last 3 weeks. I was able to relax in the bed while reading some M books with light music, and I didn't feel that I had to 'hide' my actions. I didn't feel like I needed to be aware of what the W was doing.

The W did come up there twice, once to 'see' my stuff was in there I guess, and the second time to ask me a question about something she was looking for. Only for a milli-second did 'want' her to say anything. I was happy to see her, but that was it.

I've been to the gym every day this week, not quite as motivated and over exerting myself as I have been, but that is probably a good thing. Lol.

I wasn't as nice to the W as I had wanted to be the last few days. I confronted her about what I perceive to be a EA or PA, but the conversation didn't go well. I messed up. We did actually talk a bit about R.

I felt pretty bad about my actions as well as what I did to her. I wanted to say I was sorry the next day, but did not, as I didn't want to bring it back up. Its over, and I'm moving on.

I'm still looking for a house to rent. The only issue I'm really finding is that there is limited rentals to begin with, and most want a 12 month lease. I don't want to commit to something that long and make a decision of where I will live for the next year at this time. I could rent an apartment, but don't feel that is the best place for myself and my kids when I have them.

I have tried to get my W to agree on a unofficial separation agreement that only states, we will be apart for 3-6 months and during that time no finances will change, we will share all bills, and that I will be given 50/50 time with my children. I have trust issues with her, and I believe she has the same with me. I thought this would make both of us comfortable, but she is not supporting signing anything. She doesn't want me to consult a lawyer about just the separation agreement, even though I told her we could do it together. She had a phone consult with a lawyer last week, and scheduled a face to face to submit the D papers on Tuesday. I didn't know about the face to face, until after she had cancelled it, then told me about it.

Sorry, I had to rant some. I know that this is the most difficult thing to go through in people's lives, not just mine. I am thankful for the rest of you for sharing your experiences and advice. Thank you for being here when we make mistakes, and are not strong, supporting us as we get stronger.


Ralph88
Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9
2013 B drop 1, EA found
2016 B drop 2, EA/PA?
2/16 Physical Seperation
2/16 I filed for D
4/16 PA Confirmed
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Ralph, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I am a little confused about what's going on with you. You say she wants space, had scheduled with a L, then cancelled it.

But from what I read, it sounds like you are shutting down emotionally and want to proceed with the D? You want to get a place and move out? (Make sure you consult with a L about the consequences of that, you could be seen to abandon the family and that will impact your custody situation.) You feel she's 'bugging you'?

What is your purpose of DivorceBusting? Do you want to save your M? It sounds to me like you actually don't?


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Ralph88 Offline OP
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I'm just going bat crazy inside... Ok maybe not that crazy, but close.. Lol... I'm in a hotel the next few nights.. Or course I wanna save the marriage... I'm looking for a place to move.. I did consult a L about leaving, in my state it doesn't hurt anything.. We both signed a separation agreement... We both need space from each other.


Ralph88
Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9
2013 B drop 1, EA found
2016 B drop 2, EA/PA?
2/16 Physical Seperation
2/16 I filed for D
4/16 PA Confirmed
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 301
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Ralph88 Offline OP
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Just to clarify, I'm here to rant and vent. I don't want to move out, but W said she needed space, and to tell you the truth, I did too.


Ralph88
Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9
2013 B drop 1, EA found
2016 B drop 2, EA/PA?
2/16 Physical Seperation
2/16 I filed for D
4/16 PA Confirmed
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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Don't take this the wrong way........I think you are making it too hard on yourself by believing you should be "nice" to your WW. Perhaps i should have asked your definition, before I started this post. It just seemed you were expecting a bit much from yourself, and it is still too raw and too soon, IMHO. You can be civil, and try to exercise enough politeness as necessary to coexist or even co-parent. However, I wouldn't go as far as saying you have to be nice. That is riding on the shoulders of being friends......almost. smile. Seriously, it is already too much strain living under the same roof with a cheater, I don't think you have to knock yourself out being so nicey-nice, as though everything is peachy-keen. Like I said, don't take it the wrong way. And, don't take treating her like a neighbor overboard, either. B/c I have been amazed by what some people do.......and then say they would do the same for a neighbor (when we all know better). So, stay balanced with everything, and be good to yourself, okay? You are, after all, just a little ole human being.

I hope you get some rest.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: Ralph88
Just to clarify, I'm here to rant and vent. I don't want to move out, but W said she needed space, and to tell you the truth, I did too.


She tells you ILYBNILWY and now needs space? There's someone else. You can't work on the two of you when there are more than two in the equation. I wish I was wrong but I'm not.



The future is as bright as you demand it be.
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Ralph88 Offline OP
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There maybe someone else , I do not know. She has continued to tell me she wants nothing but a divorce and that she is not "in" the marriage. She has said she has become lost in this marriage, and needs to find herself and become a happy person from the inside. Regardless, I need to work on me for me.. And for my children.


Ralph88
Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9
2013 B drop 1, EA found
2016 B drop 2, EA/PA?
2/16 Physical Seperation
2/16 I filed for D
4/16 PA Confirmed
Joined: Oct 2015
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All that blah blah blah speak she's telling you is affair talk. Temporary insanity. Don't listen to any of. Realize what you've got on your hands or lose her. I promise that AP is filling her head with this utter BS.



The future is as bright as you demand it be.
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Ralph88 Offline OP
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So what do I do? Do I hire pi for verification? Do I not leave the house after all?


Ralph88
Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9
2013 B drop 1, EA found
2016 B drop 2, EA/PA?
2/16 Physical Seperation
2/16 I filed for D
4/16 PA Confirmed
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