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New post.


Me: 42
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Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
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Thank you all for your support.

last thread ended with me coming to terms with this endless cycle of emotionally charged negativity, that quite literally consumes me. In the past, I would call and pick fights with husband. I no longer do that. But internally I get myself to a pretty big degree of rage that certainly does not help me.

JellyB suggested that it comes from fruturation from the lack of communication with husband which is certainly on point.

Trying to figure out where to go from here.

Thank you again. I am so greatful and amazed at the wisdom and expertise and kindness of these boards.


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Painter,

I missed your post until now just rereading. OMG. We have so many similarities! I Felt so frusturated with my husband's attitude and way of communicating, I would diagnose him as being on spectrum ( I know I am not supposed to do that). Even his mother would get frusturated and tell me how patient I was (not trying to come across as an angel cause I have some flaws as well)

Once in order to give me advise, MIL told me "sometimes you just have to let them be a..holes". (Zues Is this what you meant when you said no such thing as perfect relationships" smile )

He would also get annoyed when I would ask to review budget. Things logically didn't make sense to me and he too deflected. That drives me crazy. For professions that are supposed to be based on logic, I don't understand his lack of logic. I like things quantified and when he can't quantify he deflects and I end up totally Frusturated.


Me: 42
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Julie

Just to let you know I keep up with your thread, and although I don't post, I read up.


I know you sense us silent beings lurking.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Julie, I just wanted to let you know that I experienced a few waves of rage today and I thought of you!

I also realized that rage feels a lot better than depression or rejection. Could be a method of self protection.

So, the goal is positivity. Can you be more specific? I would love to get on board with this.

I am thinking for myself to start with my language. I say (to myself) "I HATE H" about a thousand times a day. I will replace that with "these feelings are temporary." I can work my way up to actual positive thoughts. I also give his picture the finger every time I walk past it. I will stop doing that.


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In order to keep things improving with H, I have tried to really detach from any behavior I find hurtful or frustrating. I know that I have a tendency to think that H's behavior be about me, when most of the time it isn't personal at all.

What seems to work for me (at least on a good day) is to walk away from the behavior mentally and physically - detach and quickly focus on something I need to get done.


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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I have just seen an interesting video on YouTube about being angry. Very enlightening for me. Basically the guy asked to accept the anger and apparently once we have accepted it we can see some solutions. I'll have to try that.

Can't believe how much reading I do to deal with my issue of being abandonned :-)

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Originally Posted By: JulieH
Painter,

I missed your post until now just rereading. OMG. We have so many similarities! I Felt so frusturated with my husband's attitude and way of communicating, I would diagnose him as being on spectrum ( I know I am not supposed to do that). Even his mother would get frusturated and tell me how patient I was (not trying to come across as an angel cause I have some flaws as well)

Once in order to give me advise, MIL told me "sometimes you just have to let them be a..holes". (Zues Is this what you meant when you said no such thing as perfect relationships" smile )

He would also get annoyed when I would ask to review budget. Things logically didn't make sense to me and he too deflected. That drives me crazy. For professions that are supposed to be based on logic, I don't understand his lack of logic. I like things quantified and when he can't quantify he deflects and I end up totally Frusturated.



No one is perfect, yet everyone is perfect. Take a dog. I am a dog guy. Dogs are as close to perfect as you get. There is really nothing bad about a dog. If they aren't toilet trained they will go to the bathroom in the kitchen...is that bad? Or is it that we expect something from them they don't understand that isn't inherently important to them? And once they learn it makes us happy when they go to the bathroom outside, all they want to do is do it right. There is a book called "there are no bad dogs". It says there are bored dogs, neglected dogs, misunderstood dogs, poorly trained dogs...but there are no BAD dogs. Dogs live for nothing more that to show us love. Yes, they might chew something up that was important to us, but that just means we have a complicated world and we value things they don't, and we don't get mad at them for that, we get mad at ourselves for expecting something beyond them being a dog. Any dog owner loves their dog, they don't walk around all day pissed off that their dog isn't good enough or upset at how our dogs communicate.

Husbands are no different. Men really want nothing more than to make their partners happy. Happy wife, happy life. Unhappy wife, unhappy life. Men are fed on admiration and appreciation, and they feel that expressed by physical acceptance. A man wants nothing more in his life than for his wife to tell her girlfriends she's got a catch. And nothing stabs him through the heart worse, NOTHING...than if she talks bad about him. When a man's wife criticizes him he gets hurt. When it continues, he gets defeated. If no matter what he does he is getting torn apart he gets very, very wounded. Then finally he gets resentful because he asks himself this question: "Why, if my boss respects me, my employees respect me, my children respect me, my family respects me, my sports team respects me, why if everyone else in my life thinks I'm a good guy, why does this woman only see me through $hit tinted glasses and think there's something wrong with me?" You say that all of your friends and family see you as being patient and calm...I'd bet all of his friends and family see him as being a good guy that has value. My point is at some point he gives up, and either walks away physically, or emotionally withdraws because he doesn't want to be emotionally beaten anymore.

Then when he does this is used as more evidence that he is a bad guy?

I'd really suggest you talk to IC/DB Coach about this. I have worked through a lot of anger, and have a ways to go yet. But there's got to be some ways to make progress. For example, you could challenge yourself to follow every angry comment about H with a reflection on why you find the need to attack him there, why you're so sensitive in that spot, etc. And you could then follow it up with 5 things you like about him or specific things he has done in the past that are good, things that when you first were together made you feel like he was a good guy.

This is just an example of an exercise, but if you get in the habit of owning your anger rather than blaming it on him for being human, and forcing yourself to refocus on positives...maybe that would be a good experiment.


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Might take me a couple months Zues, but I feel like I do need to get to that point: "My point is at some point he gives up, and either walks away physically, or emotionally withdraws because he doesn't want to be emotionally beaten anymore." I know I have to be patient and it will take forever, but I do see that in my future.

Julie have you tried that thought blocking stuff? My IC gave me a lot of cool pointers about it to redirect negative thoughts / anger. Works for me some of the time.


M 43 W 45
M 10.5 T 15
S 26 D 17 (previous relationships)
ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D
Confirm affair 1/10/16
W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
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