Dread Pirate Roberts

[Butterc]

Been posting on newcomers board and today my suspicions were confirmed. There is an OW and it's who I thought it was since right after BD, WAS was emailing his schedule to her. I knew he had moved on.
I'm not sure how much longer I can show respect to the father of my child, who promised me all the things one promises during a marriage.
Deep in MLC. His affair confirmed.
I'm just really sad today.

[LiM]

Hi ButterC,

So sorry your worst fears were confirmed. I know the pain and devastation you are feeling. I'm sorry to also tell you that it is going to get worse. Much worse. After I discovered my W's A, I kept that knowledge to myself for 6 days, deciding what to do, before confronting her. I managed to do pretty well during that time I think. But once I confronted her and the separation began, I went down hill very fast. I've lost 15 pounds since Dec 30th. I can't think about anything but the A and our separation. I feel like I've lost all hope and I don't know how to continue with my life. All I can do is try and make it through each day as it comes. I'm working really hard on GAL but its so difficult to make room for anything in my mind but my M problems.

I know I can't fix all our problems overnight but I have been trying desperately to find a way to end the pain. But now I'm feeling overwhelmed. In the past month, I've read a dozen books, gone to a dozen online forums, had IC, started working on my private pilots license, started a DivorceCare group, confided in friends, been exercising, gone back to church and have been working on my relationship with my daughters. All of this is good stuff to be doing but I think I've overwhelmed myself trying to stop the pain and anguish. I think only time will heal the pain.

So do what you need to do to cope, but just know the pain will come and you will have to experience it. No way around it. If it gets too much, take a nap!

I would recommend going to your doctor and getting a prescription for Clonidine 0.1mg. Its technically a blood pressure medication but its a very low dose and won't actually drop your blood pressure (I'm medical). What it does is it blunts your flight or flight response. If you have problems with your heart beating so hard that it feel like its going to come out of your chest and if you can't shut your mind down from the racing thoughts, Clonidine will help with that. Its worked wonders for me.

[Butterc]

Thanks,LiM, for posting. I knew you'd understand.

Why did you confront your WW about her A? I'm concentrating on GAL and acting as if. My DB coach told me to stay positive. I don't think I could talk about it with him or even confront him without being belligerent. We always got along before BD and thus far, he has not responded well to my anger.

Thanks, I'm medical too. My doctor has given me a nice cocktail of Ambiem, Tomazepam, and Ativan. With my antidepressants, I am careful to not use them daily, which results in 0300 wakeups.

Time. I'm giving it time.

[TimR]

Hello to you both. Like both you I have also caught my WAW cheating. Found out where the OM I suspected lives and drove down there. In order to keep out of jail I took a picture of her car there and then drove away. After a couple miles down the road I pulled over and text it to her. She then called and denied. I did the usual begging, pleading, anger etc.

I do not have much to offer as far as insight, but can express my most sincere sympathies to you both. While people often say I know what you are going through, this is one time it is true and it is the worst pain imaginable.

Beside that all I can tell you is what I have thought of doing. First off, I am going to wait until I talk to my telephone coach today and lay this out for him. I am going to withdraw and distance myself from her. I am going to detach, sometimes I am sure it will be a warm detachment but I am certain during other times when she tries talking it will be hostile. What I mean is I have been taking all the blame for pushing her away but I am not going to accept all the blame anymore. If she comes back it was meant to be if not it was not, but I cannot continue to beat myself up thinking and expressing everything wrong in our marriage was my fault. If she wants a divorce she can pay someone to draft the papers. I already drafted them myself but as others have said why make it any easier on her.

[LiM]

Why did you confront your WW about her A?

Why did I confront her? She needed to know that I knew and that I would not allow her to stay in our house if she chose to continue with the A. I technically couldn't kick her out (at least not in my state) but she left. I simply couldn't stand the thought of her staying in our house if the A was ongoing. I don't know how anyone could put up with that but I guess a lot of people do. I also knew that she intended to separate in the coming weeks anyway. She hadn't told me but I had figured it out on my own while snooping.
Despite all the pain it has caused, I'm glad I know and I'm glad I confronted her. I honestly think it would have been easier for her to walk away from our M permanently if she had been able to keep it a secret. Now she has to be honest with herself in what she has done in our M and become accountable for that. She may not and choose to still walk away but she knows that I know and has to live with that for the rest of her life.
I actually never wanted her to leave. I was incredibly hurt and devastated but I didn't want to separate. I wanted to work on our R because I love her. I chose her to be my partner for the rest of my life. And when I chose her, I chose to accept the good and the bad. We celebrate the good and we work through the bad. I'm still willing to work on it but she has to decide that's what she wants too. Right now, she's decided she needed to separate and I have no control over that.

[1313]

Why did you confront your WW about her A?

Why did I confront her? She needed to know that I knew and that I would not allow her to stay in our house if she chose to continue with the A. I technically couldn't kick her out (at least not in my state) but she left. I simply couldn't stand the thought of her staying in our house if the A was ongoing. I don't know how anyone could put up with that but I guess a lot of people do. I also knew that she intended to separate in the coming weeks anyway. She hadn't told me but I had figured it out on my own while snooping.
Despite all the pain it has caused, I'm glad I know and I'm glad I confronted her. I honestly think it would have been easier for her to walk away from our M permanently if she had been able to keep it a secret. Now she has to be honest with herself in what she has done in our M and become accountable for that. She may not and choose to still walk away but she knows that I know and has to live with that for the rest of her life.
I actually never wanted her to leave. I was incredibly hurt and devastated but I didn't want to separate. I wanted to work on our R because I love her. I chose her to be my partner for the rest of my life. And when I chose her, I chose to accept the good and the bad. We celebrate the good and we work through the bad. I'm still willing to work on it but she has to decide that's what she wants too. Right now, she's decided she needed to separate and I have no control over that.

I have to say something here as it so mirrors my predicament.

This is exactly what I did. I was actually acting on the advice of another "marriage specialist", who said to not so much confront them, but tell them I knew this was happening, and request the affair stop.

However, things snowballed so quickly that by the time I did it, the W had already filed for D. This was the last talk I ever had with the W actually. I also emailed the OM and asked for the affair to stop.

Of course, the W denied everything. At the same time basically laughed at my request and said it was none of my business. She's denied the R to her parents, and even to the M counselor. Although the M counselor wasn't to fix things, only for her to tell me nothing could be done.

Her assistant has also denied an affair, but now I believe she's acting on behalf of the W and lying for her. I've seen the emails, I've seen the texts. Nothing explicit, but at 60 you're smart enough to not do that. It proves at the very least an EA and lying about her whereabouts. However, I think meeting up in Italy with the guy goes a bit beyond an EA.

Unfortunately it seems part of the process of the WW is to rewrite history. There never was "good". It's always been bad. In my case 30 years of bad. Unfortunately, with that sort of history I can't help but think there's got to be something inside of her for me still. Sandi's thoughts were unfortunately a cold shower as far as that fantasy goes.

If you consider that the WW is willing to lose everything for this D, and for the OM (who she pursued) then she's creating a new life for herself and it doesn't include me.

All we can do is remember what once was, and move on with no expectations.