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Hi Tyler12, for me there are a combination of things. I know I have a part in what has happened. We had been building a house in a foreign country to us both and we both got exhausted and were not enjoying enough things outside of this as a family. This contributed to my W be attracted to a work colleague who had no responsibilities. When she told me near the beginning of the year last year, I made it to easy for her to come back into the relationship but I had asked for her to cut the contact with this colleague. As it built back up, we got into frequent arguments between Sept and Nov.

I was still hurting and not handling the situation, I had made a conscious effort to be more with the family over the past year but only tried to put them all first. I stopped caring about myself and got to focused on getting my W to cut the contact. Something she admitted that she hadn't been strong enough in doing. The hard part for me is that other than the arguments we were still doing many things together as a family, still being intimate with each other, we had just started counseling to help us communicate better as we both were not listening to each other well enough.

At times I'm not sure what else I could have done, except not getting caught up in the arguments as we both said things that are regrettable. However, my W has re-written a number of things in our relationship and made me into something I'm not. I have felt many times my feelings on things are never really considered and when she decides to not do something it has generally been because I have stopped her. She tells me I stop her going out and I can never be happy when she comes home, my issue at times was that she would be considerably later than she would say or I would not be able to reach her as she would go out to escape the family. However, if I was ever running late or she didn't know where I was, she would always call me asking where I am was and when I would be back.

There are probably times I should have stepped back and thought things through better but I also know that in the past year i have never felt as exhausted. I have feelings that my W would like an element of the single life back again, where as I consider myself a family man 24/7. I know I had lost myself and at times become distant and needing quiet within the last year in particular. Maybe it took this shock to my system to make me realize, I guess I just wish we had communicated better and worked on better comprimises to get what we both needed within this family and relationship.

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I did have one session with Chuck yesterday and found it helpful especially after getting sucked into things on Sunday. He did encourage me that I am ahead of the curve so far and he feels I have challenged her thoughts and the core beliefs that she has currently. It gave me confidence that the path I am walking is a good one and to keep on it and stay patient. I understand that she has trust issues, (not like I don't have them either). I also take some comfort from Sandi in that I shouldn't fear her leaving, I do feel she needs to see the reality of separation and not seeing the kids every day.

My parents split when I was 7 and I know what this life will be, I can be more mentally prepared for this than my W I feel. But who knows what the future will hold.

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Glad to hear you felt uplifted after your talk with Chuck.

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Thank you Sandi, any further advice as to handle my next 4 weeks in the house together? She is moving to an apartment at the beginning of March.


If you can picture her being like a boarder who is staying in your home, it may help you know how to interact with her. If she were a boarder, you would probably speak to her and show a certain level of business-style friendliness. If she asked questions, you would gage how personal or private they might be, and then decide how to answer. If she was getting too personal, you'd politely change the subject to something more general. You would not try to sneak in a hug or kiss. You would not snuggle with her. You would not stand in the doorway of her bedroom to talk, much less go inside her bedroom and stand around. If she ate meals with your family, you'd keep things as light as possible at the table. After dinner, you would be involved in your life and she'd be free to do whatever she chose to do, without you questioning her. You would not follow her around the house to see what she was going to do. You would not ask her if you could go out, nor feel it necessary to fill her in on the details of you GAL.

You keep things as civil-friendly as you can, and try not to let it get personal. You stay as detached as possible. Really engage a lot in GAL the next four weeks. Be gone when she's home as much as possible.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Sandi, that is what I'm doing especially once the kids are in bed. It does feel like she wants to play happy families without doing anything for the family. I go to the gym 3 nights a week and the others I just do my own thing. The weekends are harder due to the kids. I don't initiate much conversation other than the kids. She always wants to know where I go but she knows I go to the gym. Going out tomorrow with friends and she had several questions since one of them talked to me about in front of her. Just said I would be out with friends, she asked where and I just said that bit hadn't been decided yet. And left it at that. However she always wishes me a good workout, asked me if I had a good one if she is around when I get back. I do keep my answers short but polite.

I have removed any kind of affection for several weeks and moved the remaining clothes of hers out of the main bedroom at the weekend. We only have the one car so we have had to create a kind of schedule unfortunately.

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Finally got round to answering some of your questions Sandi.


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So, she spent the night with the OM, and went home the next morning as if nothing had happened? Maybe it's b/c I am just getting your side of the story, but it sounds as if you were the one that was pleading for her to stay, even though she had just committed adultery. Did she ask if she could say, or use her threat of leaving as her leverage? Has she ever done anything like this before now? Did she have a lot of sexual partners before getting M?


She came home just before I took the kids to school and daycare, I asked if she was planning to stay and if she was going to talk. She was still there when I got back and only said it was a mistake to see him and stay there but she was done with me. The daycare called and said our daughter was sick, we went to pick her up and I put her in the MBR bed to sleep. My W wanted to lie next to her and rest also but I said no to that, if she wanted to rest she could use the spare bed. She asked to stay in the house and move into the spare room. I said that was possible if she was willing to go back to counseling and work on repairing our marriage. I said if not, then I felt she needed to stay somewhere else for the time being. She evetually went to friends that afternoon.#

She has not done anything like this in our relationship but before me during university, she had a period of depression where she cheated on a boyfriend at the time. She was dealing with alot of things at that time but for me I see some similarities. She has told me, that she has used sex as a way of hurting herself.


Quote:
No problem rambling, but wow, have you ever seen her have similar behavior?


Not to this extent, when she has gone out with friends, she does go out to escape and until the last year has never had a cell phone. I only ever wanted to have an idea when she would be home and where she might be if I needed to get hold of her in case something happened with the kids. It has been a bone of contention for a number of years. She wants to be able to go where she wants when she wants and I am supposed to just be happy when she turns up home again. Maybe I have the wrong thoughts on this, but she always wants to know where I am going, when I'm going to be home and if i'm running late, will always call to see where I am no matter the time of day.


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Did this begin before things between her and OM began getting thicker?


It has been an ongoing thing this past year, but there had been an increase in contact with the OM as her father had more tests and she required them.

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What are the ages of you and your W?


Me and W are 37

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Hello Si_07,

I'm happy to hear that your time with Chuck, your DB Coach, was time well spent.

Having that validation of being ahead of the curve must feel good. Give yourself a pat on the back! Confidence and patience are key, but you already know that.

Please let me know when you would like to speak with Chuck again.

Cristy


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Thank you Cristy, yes it was good to hear from someone outside of this that I am on a good path. At times I don't feel she is as strong as she wants to make out on her decisions, at times I have almost felt she has been more resigned about them.

I have done a lot of reading and at times have been humbled by want I have read. I know from reading Sandi's story that something has to humble her if she is going to look at herself. She did say she plans on getting professional help and I do feel she needs time to figure out if the family life is really what she wants.

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The hardest part I have found is trying to stop working out what is going on in her mind. Trying to read her actions etc.

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So last night I was out with some friends. Had a good time. W texted me to say that son was sleeping on the couch and daughter was with her. When I got back, her door was closed so checked on son then went out to the gym. Again after getting back her door was still closed, took son up to his bed and spent some time reading. Heard W up with daughter around 1am, daughter had a fever. At 2am, daughter wanted me and came upstairs to my bed and stayed with me. Something I would think my W would not have expected.

Again this morning, W wanted to know about my evening, and where I went the second time. I just replied I had a good evening and went out to do a couple of things.

Since she signed for this apartment, she has closed the door to her room every night, has therefore not heard the kids when they have woken up the last few nights. Considering a few weeks ago she would run up the stairs to beat me to checking on the kids, I find this a little puzzling. Maybe reality of moving is starting to sink in.

There has been a shift with the kids in that they do seem to come to me more than her, certainly more than they used to. She is always curious as to what I am doing and how I am getting on at the gym.

One of her complaints about me is that I stopped her going out (I haven't and have also asked friends to take her out over the past number of months), however she has not been one to organize anything for herself in this regard. I find it strange now that she has only gone out once I the past 5 weeks.

I have been enjoying myself and happy with the progress I have done on myself so far, I will continue down my path and if the by-product of this is saving my family then all the better. I am still learning which small positive steps I can notice, hence why I will post often here to get more of the great feedback I have had so far.

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Up and down kind of day today. Was nearly going to talk about the past tonight but have caught myself in time.

Sandi, you have mentioned that we should not fear a W moving out, and I don't as she has leaned and still leans on me for many things. Can you give me more insight into why you believe that?

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