Hi Anjo. Good to see you post , I have to agree with some of the other posters , it does seems to me that XH is coming out of the fog or at least the fog is thinning.
I think we are very alike and we need WAS to spell it out but will they ever? Can they ever ? You keep making it clear to him that you accept his choice and your living your life , which is as it should be BUT its also showing him the door is shut.
Pink , you are afraid of getting hurt again and I certainly don't want that to happen but I think opening the door a small bit and seeing what happens wouldn't risk to much. Small things like the game might be opening the door a tiny bit.
Whatever you choose , we will support you IMHO you love H so I would advise you take the small risk and open the door. He made a huge mistake and hurt your whole family but sadly mistakes happen.
Just my pennies worth Anjo You deserve happiness and you will get it
Job, don't know what happen to my last post, but the beginning was to thank you for your support and tell you that it was kind of funny that you chuckle about the "washing clothes". It made me smile.
Thanks GG, I certainly need to find some way to check on things, I am just too scared to ask. What if it is the wrong perspective and he just say I am going crazy?
But KML made me think. XH has said that he is seeing things in a whole different way. That he was very mad with me when it all happen in 2014 and that now he can see that I was totally right. That he was a complete jerk to me for a very long time and did not gave the support I needed when I needed it. That he was selfish and did not see what he is doing, he was blind and now he can see it more clear.
He has been showing his changes. He is always available if I ask or need anything. He has been dropping off and picking up the kids to and from school. He has been communicating more. He treats me with extremely respect. Always polite and caring.
He never say "no" if he is invited in a house. He has been very respectful with the boundaries I told him. A big one is about the kids, maybe it was easy to just ignore it but if I search my heart, I would say that is a huge change.
Today I got this text at 10:24am (not over analyzing, but he is the middle of morning, at work, and he is thinking about his family): Hi Cira - Please let me know how S21's testing goes today. Also, tomorrow afternoon I will not be able to pick up our sons from school. I had a presentation reschedule to 2 - 3pm. Sorry about that.
These were my complaining, this is what got me to let go on my M. He would not care about his family and what was going on with his kids life. That he was always immersed into work and never involved in what was happening at home.
Now, it even makes me cry that he wants to know about S21 tests. I can barely believe it is happening. That he is not just saying it and then no follow up. He actually remember it is today.
Why he wants me to tell him how the test went? It could be because he is trying to show me that he cares. He can just talk to S21 about this. This is actually one thing that I keep telling him. Our boys are teenagers then he can just talk to them and they will let me know whatever... but he keeps coming to me for all the stuff with the kids.
Am I seeing horns on a cat's head? Maybe. And that maybe it where I am right now in regard of this subject. I am very, very afraid of getting hurt again.
Seems like a pretty good place right now. On my own, sometimes have some low time but in general I am moving along life lines. No big pain, no discomfort, no implications... I feel kind of good now.
So what do I do? I have no F* idea. I guess I need to crack that door a little open, but how?
I do not want to just ask him. That is not fair that I need to be the one with the big pants here. I also know that XH may be very afraid of me. I am cruel when I want to, actually I can be the most cruel person in his life. My venom can be fatal.
So, I know who I am and he know well who I am. I know I am stronger then him. Maybe he knows, but I doubt, that he is my strength.
As I write this I am finding myself trying to avoid all this. Maybe if I just let go, then it is what it is. Just nothing.
What is going on with me? I also don't know well how to feel about this. So, the big question is yet to be answered:
DO YOU STILL LOVE THIS MAN?
Good question, can I sleep for three days and then wake up to answer that?
Gosh, I think I will move into the mountains and live with the grizzle Bear, that may be a little less dangerous.
Well, I just want to crawl into a dark corner and be forgotten there. It's amazing that when I think that the pain is gone then something happen to remind me. I feel just like I felt many times after my mom had spanked me badly and all I did was to hide in a corner of my dresser and stay there without moving. Many times I feel asleep there. I just pretend that I wasn't there, that I did no exist and that it was all some fake life.
So many wounds, maybe I will just be by myself and nothing and no one will ever hurt me again.
Dramatic? My kids would say and tease me because I speak in movie lines. But that is where I am right now. Lost again. Because it is not just finding out if he wants to be back or not, it is also to find out if I want him back or not.
I think I want to share this with you all. You always make me think in many different directions and normally I can find one that fits me better. So once again, I will relay in my friends opinions and help.
Hello lovely. Sorry not posted sooner...early start & long day. I think this is the critical part here:
"XH just stood there like a wet dog. I asked if everything was OK, which he did not answer. Then I moved closer and asked what was going on. He started crying, not hysterically, just sad and lots of tears. I pulled him in by his jacket and closed the door then asked what was wrong and what have happened, he said it was just life. I then looked him in the eyes and stated more then question: Why did you do this to us XH. Look at us. (here, I would just validate - I'm sorry you're feeling that way - do you see how your hurt led you to ask this question?)
XH said: I know, I just don't know what to do.
Cira said: Well, I will live my life the best way I can, and you will live yours. Be happy with your decision, follow your path, be happy with your French girlfriend. He cut me off and said kind of mad that he does not have any girlfriend, that he is alone and that I need to believe him. (if you hadn't alluded to the TauC, this would never have happened - he switched straight from sad to mad.)
Cira said: Well, I believe you can have a good night, see you later. Gave him a big hug, got a very tight hug back. Gave him a kiss on his chick and got one on mine. I closed the door right away. (This part I liked.)
If something like this happens again, to me opening the door a chink could be a) purely validating and being sympathetic as I've fed back above, and doing all else that you did, or b) maybe asking him if he wanted do come in for coffee. Then listening to him talk and validating, and nothing else - no mention of OW, no asking what he wants - just being there as a non-judgemental friend would be. Perhaps just for half an hour - nothing too heavy - then gently showing him the door when you have had coffee.
I think the mistake would be to push too hard or let your own hurt out at this stage. All you are wanting to show him is that the door may be open a tiny chink here, but I don't want to get back on the rollercoaster. We're not going to jump into bed together. But we have a history, you and I. I can see that you are sad, and I will be here for you for a little while tonight. Then that's it. Next day, you go about your day and think nothing of it. And if the same thing happens again, you could make a little time for him again with no expectations.
Also, I think take the pressure off yourself. You don't need to decide right now whether you love him or want to be with him. All you need to decide is whether you want to open the door a chink. The rest can wait for another time. Above all, protect your own heart and act in a way you will look back on and feel at peace with.
JMHO of course, and I'm glad your group is going well & you're making new friends xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Validate Which is the way I would go be supportive and show that side. . My take is he has to come to his own space where he feels he can ask and it's his choice. Perhaps asking would be a temp check and give him the felling your still there.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I think so too. Validating won't do any harm since we need to do the parenting.
Don't really know how to find courage in me to step on uncomfortable ground. I guess I get stuck on every step of the way. Now I am stuck in NC.
I keep trying to avoid XH as much as I can. I got his texts yesterday and did not answer it. Part because I was just too busy, and part because I just didn't feel like.
Today, I got another msg from him at 7:16am, asking me if I got his last 2 texts.
What the hell is this. Do this things really happen. Your XH text you every single day? I tough that the big D means something different.
I just don't know anymore. He is still driving me insane. One of this days I will just explode and tell him that he can make up his mind or leave me alone for good.
Sometimes it feels like this is just a bunch of bull and very smelly. Does he realize I have a very heavy load of work and responsibilities every day?
I just wish that one day he can come down to earth and smell the coffee. But by the way, I let my anger on the side and answered him this:
XH - Hello Cira - Did you receive my last 2 texts?
Pink - Yes I did. And I am sorry I didn't answered you. Have been really busy. I guess I can only say that I was a complete fool when many times I complained that you didn't help me. Well, now I need to swallow my own venom. Thanks for teaching me.
Not much from S21. Everything went well and he slept with the machine attached to his nose and chest. Today he will bring that back to the clinic and when they have the results then they will send it to his doctor and we go from there.
S21 can probably pick up the kids today. If not, then I will. Thanks for letting me know.
Don't know if he told you, but S18 and I were all morning visiting CU campus yesterday. We did talk to his counselor. Lots to do yet.
Wishing you a good presentation today. Have a nice day!
By the way, did you go to church last Tuesday?
Maybe not so bad, don't know, I feel kind of tired of all this stupid stuff. I am kind of down on myself in this area today. No very hopeful anymore.
But by other hand, I am kind of good about my own life. Looking forward to the Super Bowl game and party on sunday. Some of the kids friends are coming over and it will be nice.
Have my divorce group class schedule on sunday at noon so everyone can be free at the time of the game. I will be bringing some food for lunch.
Funny how things change. Not too long ago I was dying to get a text from XH, now it irritates me.
Pink, Divorce to normal couples means going their separate ways and possibly not having a whole lot to do w/each other except for dealing w/the children, etc.
In the MLC world, many of them want a divorce and yet, they truly do not understand that divorce means the end of a relationship and people go their separate ways. To them, it's just something that sets them free to do whatever they want and unfortunately, many of them do like to keep the contact going because they can't let go and when the former spouse moves on they do everything in their power to keep the connection going. (Like in your case w/all of the texting by your former spouse.) He wants your attention and to remind you that he's out there.
Pink, you are under no obligation to respond to all of his texts. You have the control here and if you think the texts aren't worth responding to, then don't respond. I do think your response to his text was excellent. After all, you are a busy woman and unless the texts are an emergency, you don't need to drop what you are doing to respond to him.
Don't allow him to bring you down. Continue as you have been and enjoy the game and party on Sunday. I think you doing great!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So, he sends me three msg to which I just read it, didn't anything about it.
1st - I went to church last night (Thursday) because they canceled Tuesday service. I feel like my grandmother found this place for me. (he was very close to his grandmother and she died a few years ago).
2nd - You know that we can find ways for me to better support you with our sons, in terms of funning errands, doctors, etc.
3rd - Also, we will not go to Copper on Saturday, so I will plan to pick them up around 2pm to hang out together..
I will just ignore all this. I need to calm down because I am very angry at him right now. Everything he is doing is exactly what I always complained about him not doing.
Now, all the sudden he is Mr.Helper, can "better support me"!!!
Who the hell he think he is to destroy my life with his adventures and then try to hurt me even further with this Mr.Nice Guy now. I always needed all this, I did not have it, now that he is away, after all he destroyed in my life then he is trying to help?
I just want to ask him very politely to go to hell and never come back because I do not need this idiot anymore.
He is making me mad, but with all the madness I am so sad. I wish I don't get so worked out with his stupidities, but I do. I want to go away, far away from here and never see him again.
I do not text him, I do not ask anything from him, I do not start anything, I do not show up. I am living my life like he is dead. Why is he doing this? Why he can't think a little harder and see that this can hurt me?
And maybe that is the point, he wants to hurt me more. He thinks I did not suffer enough. I made a good divorce for myself, maybe he thinks it was unfair that he lost so much.
I know, and I know, and I know. My inner child chair. I am a good girl, I do things right. But I just need to dump all my frustration here. You are the only ones that I talk about this right now.
I did not cry for quite a few days and he made me cry today. I will just ignore him. I will just let go. He does not want to come back, he just want to punish me.
Pink, To him, he's trying to gain your attention and provide acts of service to please you, i.e., just like a child. It's all about him and what he wants to do to make things better, but he's not stopping to realize that you have feelings and that his jumping through a few hoops now may not be what you want at this time.
I understand the anger...but breathe! Your man/child is trying to do things to show you that he wants to be a part of your life. Now, it's up to you to decide whether to leave the door ajar or something else.
Dig deep for patience and try to find a bit of humor in all of this. Here you are distancing yourself from him and he's trying to pursue you w/everything he has. Who knows, maybe he is waking up a bit or it could be that he feels guilty about the way things went down and is now trying to make amends and also to be able to tell others that he's doing all he can to assist you and your sons. Time will tell...
Pink, it's okay to vent and be angry. But at the end of the day, you will be okay no matter what you decide to do. You are not alone and we are always here to listen.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Pink, I guess you are a stronger person than I am. I'd still take my partner back, even though she is a weak coward and an idiot partner and broke my heart and ruined my life. I don't know why I still see her as the answer to all my troubles. I just feel so alone in this world, and so very frightened. I'd love to be where you are - you're in the driver's seat here. I'd give anything for my partner to be helping me out and asking to spend time with me. But I guess you're really done with your XH, so luckily you can choose to send him on his way.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
