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Rain75 Offline OP
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Anna...you make me smile. You wanted to give me a 2x4 yesterday but didn't. You're a peach so Thank you.

Now. Onto your 2x4. wink

I mind read. Hello. My name is Rain and I'm a mind reader.

Hi Rain!

Ugh. I know I shouldn't Anna. I know. It's just SO hard not to and for it to not be a negative mind read when virtually everything Ive thought was happening and the reasons behind him doing certain things has been so spot on.

But...

It hasn't changed anything. He still did/does as he pleases. And I have taken that to he heart. Agreed that It hasn't been for long, but no matter what mind reading I'm doing, all he hears is me saying I believe in him.

As for this..."I know transparency and total commitment are the big things you're seeking from him, and he hasn't been able to offer those to you yet. But just because he can't offer those today doesn't mean he never will, or that all other efforts are fake or meaningless. Baby steps."

You're right. Since he hasn't seen fit to give me what I want I assume he never will. And maybe he won't but there is a slight chance. I used to convince myself he didn't love me. Now I think he does. Just not in the way I want him to love me. But again, there's always that chance things might turn around once he is done with what he needs to do. Maybe it will happen is better than it will absolutely never happen.

I have done a lot wrong. A. Friggin. LOT. But I can say that I have always believed in him and told him as much. More than he has ever believed in himself. But I can keep doing it. Who doesn't love a cheerleader?!

And R talks SHOULD be off the table except he keeps bringing it up.

And this...my H tried really hard after his A was uncovered to really make amends. But the level of deception he'd engaged in to cover it up in the first place still made it really difficult for me to trust him. As he grew more and more resentful of the fact he was making all these efforts for me and I still couldn't give him full trust, he started to say things like, "what difference does it make...I might as well be doing all these bad things because you think I am, anyway." And slowly, he quit trying,"

First. Im sorry Anna. I know how this pains you.

Second...as we've discussed before....our situations are similar. XF has said both of those things to me too.

I don't know why I try, it never makes a difference with you

You listen but you don't hear what I'm saying

You're never going to see me as anything different than you do now

And also....

I may as well be having an A if all you do is bitch and accuse me. (while actively in affair lol)

I need to 180 my sitch. I need to do a lot of things. Grr. This is hard.

Let me know when you start a new thread.

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Rain75 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: - MB -
OMG, that IS weird! That would drive me nuts. I think I'd have to switch phone carriers.

Is the video app that you're talking about called Marco Polo? My sister wanted me to download that one, but I haven't used it.


When I was using it for intel lol I would have fought a carier change with every fiber of my being. Now I would LURVE one. Funny how that works huh.

And, no. Not Marco Polo.

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Rain75 Offline OP
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So todays recap.

XF ignored my texts last night about our daughter who had hit her head. Okay back up, he asked how they were as she slipped and slammed her head. After i calmed her down and gave her medicine because the bump came on fast, i answered him.

We sent a couple of texts back and forth. My last one asking him if he had any more baby medicine at his as I just gave her the last of what I had. It was 1 minute after hia last text. No answer. So I called. He ignored me.

This morning he started video calling at 7am. I was asleep. He then started texting at 8am. The usual (especially if he thinks my silence means that Im mad)

-hey love..sorry I fell asleep last night (sure)

-hey baby..call me when you get a chance...hope you and the kids have a great day

-great, you're ignoring me. Very mature. I know you probably dont believe me but I fell asleep

I ignored it all and when I did call I was very upbeat (sounding). Hey XF...sorry, I was busy. But what's up!?

We discussed me going to pick up the money he owed me. He gave me his location etc.

A few more video calls that I missed while getting the kids fed and ready.

A few angry texts about how ridiculous I am to still have him blocked. And asking when we would be there.

Called him as we were headed out. He's angry because I won't be there for his lunch hour. His boss has an attitude with them already. Now I'm going to get him in trouble.

As if. His boss is his friend. And even if he is in a mood. All you'd be doing is walking to my car to hand me something. 30 seconds, If that.

I don't say that though. I say... I'm sorry XF. Had you told me he would be there today, of course I would have hurried the kids and made it there for your break time. I will talk to you later.

All of my responses are 180s. I am quick on the trigger when I know he is lying or when he is spewing blame. Today I gave responses that were the exact opposite

He left me a voicemail again on how he hates being blocked but also where am I. Why is it taking so long etc

I pick up next call and he is angry at 1st. You don't realize how it looks when I walk off the job even for a few minutes. I'm the supervisor and I can't do that. Blah blah. If this was my company it'd be different

Me: I'm sorry XF. I'll be there soon. Maybe next time you can just deposit it into my account. What do you think?

Him: (calmer) no babe. I want you to come. I just don't want go hear his sh!t. Im sorry. I don't want you to feel bad. I know it's not easy getting the kids ready. Just let me know when youre here.

I get lost a few times. He gets angry.

Long story slightly less long...

I get there, finally. He says hi to the kids..kisses them and walks away. They start screaming and calling to him. I start crying.

They have taken this S very hard. He knows it because they are off of their schedule and their appetites are hit and miss.

He has seen how ecstatic they get when he does come by so he knows that they miss him. However this is one of the few times he has heard them cry the way I hear them cry. With a longing in the wails.

I drive away crying and trying to calm them down. He calls.

I tell him to please hang up because I am not okay right now. He asks why? So I tell him.

I'm sad that our children are sad. He says he is sorry but had to return to work. I said its fine to work. They're crying because they rarely see you and they got happy for a minute and then you disappeared.

He starts in blaming me. How he would see them more but I can't control my mouth. All I do is argue and bring up the past and thats why he stays away.

I pull over because I'm crying and can't drive and so that the kids wouldn't hear me. I put the music on for them and get out. And I let my pride fall away.

Me: XF..you're right. But I will keep my mouth shut even if I have to tape it shut if you will just visit them more often. I can deal with all of this, except for them being in pain. I know I've told you that I won't beg you to make time for your own children but I take it back. I am BEGGING you. Please XF. Because this is not a one off, they're sad a lot and they act out and I need your help to make this transition easier for them. I am not you and they need you.

Him: i have tried to make time to spend with you and the kids and you chase me out or bitch. I won't keep dealing with that. With your mouth Rain. Im sorry. I won't continue to let you disrespect me.

Me: XF this is NOT about us. It's NOT about me or spending time with me it's about THEM. Please just hang up and do not call back for a while. I need space and I have to get them home. Good bye

3 hours later a Voicemail

-hey hun can you please unblock me?

A few minutes later a text

-babe when are you going to unblock me? Please I hate not being able to call you

Another text.
- Hey love. . I just want you to know that I know you don't think that I think about my kids and what they go through. .. But you couldn't be more wrong. .. That's why no matter how much you fought with me I always tried to be around... Unfortunately you never get to see the other side of it.. Cuz it's not you ...If you don't unblock me that's your choice I won't ask again and I won't bother you again.

Then a few video calls that I ignore because I am angry and nothing good would come from picking up. Finally a text telling me that he is going out tonight in case I call and he doesn't hear his phone.

Huge, gigantic trigger for me as that's what he always said when he was going to take ow out. So what do I say?

Patting myself on the back here.

Me (via text): thanks for letting me know. Please be careful and call a cab to get home if you need to. Have fun.

Nope. I do NOT want him to have fun and Yep I totally think he's out with a woman (a girl). But I can do nothing if he is, so I STFU and did a baby 180. I know that he thought he would get an angry call and text. So I 180ed his butt!

Dayum! This is long. Sorry guys. To be continued...

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Rain75 Offline OP
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It's late. I just took benadryl. I'm having trouble sleeping thinking about what and who XF is doing.

But it wasn't a constant thought tonight. I helped a friend dealing with issues with her child.

I cooked and did some laundry and watched a few episodes of a funny show.

That's a huge change for me. Before, everything would be on the back burner to better obsess about what he is doing.

Baby steps.

Maybe one day it really won't have any affect on me.

Maybe one day I will be truly detached.

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Originally Posted By: Rain75
Patting myself on the back here.

Me (via text): thanks for letting me know. Please be careful and call a cab to get home if you need to. Have fun.

Nope. I do NOT want him to have fun and Yep I totally think he's out with a woman (a girl). But I can do nothing if he is, so I STFU and did a baby 180. I know that he thought he would get an angry call and text. So I 180ed his butt!


Rain, that is not a baby 180. That's HUGE for you!!!! I would have loved to have seen the look on his face when he read that. LOL

BTW....it's nice to meet you Rain the mind reader. I'm sure you know that you don't actually KNOW what he was doing tonight. He could have just stayed at home but was trying to make you jealous. Or, could have gone out with some buddies from work. Or..... Who knows! You just know that he SAID he was going out. That's it.

Sounds like you kept yourself busy and did a pretty good job keeping your mind occupied. Hope you get some sleep soon, you know he's going to start right back up in the morning.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Thanks MB. I guess it was a huge 180. And I guess now is the "let's through all of Rains triggers at her" time. Another trigger was him visiting a neighboring city that he has always hated. However when he was cheating suddenly he loved it. The long drive didn't bother him or the high prices.

Guess where he said he might "have to" go this weekend? Yep. To the city he hates, right on the heels of his "boys night". Ugh. Why! I do not want to be tested. This crap is hard. I wish I could have a trigger break. Last night was hard enough. I had to drug myself to fall asleep just not to obsess and I haven't done that in a while.

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Believe me, I KNOW how you're feeling! I think my H is out of town right now. Not positive, but pretty sure. And, know where he goes when he's out of town? Yep, that's right...straight to OW.

BUT, you don't even know if your XF left his house last night. He could just be trying to get under your skin. He might have been in bed early (ALONE), and you're sitting at your house worrying about him. I also don't know that my H is with OW. I can (and do) think it, but I have no proof. He might be out of town on a job. He does that sometimes. I keep trying to remind myself of that but it sure is hard. You just keep reminding yourself that you don't know what he did last night and you don't know what he's going to be doing this weekend. All you know is that he used a couple of your triggers against you and has you all jumpy. He's probably at work patting hisself on the back right now. Don't give him that power over you. He certainly hasn't earned it.

Just DB the crap out of him when he calls you today. I won't even bother with the "IF he calls" because we all know that he will. LOL. It's your turn to make him sweat! KILL HIM WITH KINDNESS even if it kills you. LOL


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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"BTW....it's nice to meet you Rain the mind reader. I'm sure you know that you don't actually KNOW what he was doing tonight. He could have just stayed at home but was trying to make you jealous. Or, could have gone out with some buddies from work. Or..... Who knows! You just know that he SAID he was going out. That's it."

MB I know no such thing. And mind reading is my side gig. I'm awesome at it! Are you questioning my skills?! LOL

He said it was a boys night with his workers. I will never know if it's true, and he is a chatter box when he goes out and it isn't A related. He tells me everything. What they drank if they played pool or darts. Even what they talked about. This morning? Not a peep mentioned about his night.

Ugh. Like I said I will never know for sure so I am trying not to think about it.


Rain (moi): 40
Ex Fiance: 39
3 kids
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I hate that I literally begged him yesterday, I feel shamed somehow. But I'm doing my best not to let the feeling overtake me. I can't undo it and I did it for my babies.

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Rain, why don't you unblock him? It's a step. But not after he went out -- that might seem like you are caving in out of fear. But soon.

Can you get a coaching session? It seems like this is a critical time for you, and you could benefit from that one on one advice.

I would give almost anything for W to contact me like XF is contacting you. I'm still reading that book about listening, and I'm pretty motivated. But I'm still not contacting her... I know she still loves me, and just yesterday she mentioned to a mutual friend that she's created such a mess that we should both leave our town. I don't understand what the mess is and why it requires such a drastic move. And I know she doesn't mean it at the same time. But if I still seem at least in part like a safe haven, that's something.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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