Ive had a couple people tell me to start a new thread so here it is.
I woke up with anxiety today. I have felt pretty decent not seeing the WAH since monday. I know I will see him today and have a mix of butterflies and wanting to vomit from stress.
I am hoping today goes good. I hope he calls-texts before he comes over because I need to get some house stuff done before I can leave and I dont want to spend a bunch of time at the house like always. Trying to 180 how much time we spend together and 180 the love.
Some days its 10-12 plus hours together like a happy family. Hugs, flirting, chasing me around,picking me up, kissing on me. I thought it was good progress until he told me it meant nothing, he just wants to be friends and even told his parents we are getting a D. It is going to SUCK for me inside to have to put my bubble up and boundaries.
I cant be his best friend and wife if he still wants the D and tells people now we are getting one. Wish me luck, I will need it really bad.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, it is attractive. Remember the Pursuer-Distancer principle? When you are strong, distanced, and confident, it's like throwing a bucket of fish into the shark tank. Being light, breezy, mysterious, full of PMA, and moving moves you back to the central you, who is an attractive, beautiful woman that deserves time and attention.
Were you a mopey, blubbering mess when you started dating your husband? Is that what attracted him to you? What did?
Quote:
have to put my bubble up and boundaries.
Yes. No matter how hard it is. There were many times where my W and I were together during the exchanges of S6, even when we started to reconcile. Most of those I was a hot mess inside, but she never caught it from the bubble I learned to erect around myself, and she complimented me many times on how strong and together I seemed.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Being light, breezy, mysterious, full of PMA, and moving moves you back to the central you, who is an attractive, beautiful woman that deserves time and attention.
Were you a mopey, blubbering mess when you started dating your husband? Is that what attracted him to you? What did?
I was strong, confident(almost cocky), and always KNEW I didnt need a guy to make me happy which is why I was always turning people down to date.I had goals and ambitions. When we first started dating I would tell him, Im sorry but you have to work for this. I'm never going to date you so you might as well give up. He tells everyong the b* in me made him want me. I kinda turned into a soft ball of mush after my kids though haha I did a full 180 from my old self. Now I have to 180 back to strong, sexy, confident me.
Today has been HARD but EASY.
Hard part: He was at my house when I got here. I decided that I'm going to treat my house as if he just lived here like separated but living together type situation because he seems to spend half or more of his time here and we do share the house when he has the kids I leave, and when I have the kids he leaves, and some days like today he shows up and will be here 24 hrs or more. Its so weird.
Easy: Boundaries surprisingly. I walked in, got some water, grabbed some laundry to fold and went to my room. After a while he came to lay on our bed and I ignored him. He just stared at me while I was in STFU mode. I'M A HUGE TALKER. Everyone says I talk to much..my whole family. My friends. Everyone lol. So that was a 180 from me. He left the room then came back and asked me about my classes I'm taking on monday. I was polite and answered his questions with a smile.
Him: So you class starts monday or was it tuesday?
DB Me: Yes, it starts monday.* keep folding clothes*
Old me: yes it starts monday at 9-12, it is suppose to be 9-1 but because D5 is in prek they let me switch my hours and then I can make up the time later it is at x address and I have to make sure I wear closed toed shoes and it is from monday- thursday. And then next wednesday my mom will watch S3 so I can make up my hours for school. I should be able to get x to watch s3 on monday and y to watch him wednesday and z to watch him thursday and the class costs x amount and then I need to do a,b,c after that to get my state license and then I plan to apply here, here,and here. Blah blah blah blah..10 minutes later. But yeah it starts monday. ( literally what my head was wanting to say haha I had to STFU and tell it to myself in my head.)
He left to run errands and I said Ok and kept doing my laundry. I feel like I can relax a bit now that he left. Trying to hurry up and finish my to do list I had before he decided to show up. Laundry. Pack for tonight. Go over income taxes. Goal to leave by 1ish when the kids nap vs my normal 7-8 pm at night.
I'm venting here so A- I dont kill my friends with the boring details of my life B- I can keep being strong today, at least on the outside.
Strong, sexy, confident you. Make it your mantra. He had to work to earn your affection. It should have always been that way. I read here a couple days ago from someone that if you ever feel like you don't have to earn your spouse's love, you are headed towards disaster (not exact quote but close enough).
My wife in mom mode makes me feel warm and fuzzy. My wife in woman mode revs my engine.
Much better on pulling back some from him. See if it works. If conversation was something that brought you two close, then him not getting that part of you should, hopefully, get him to start missing it.
Vent away all day. Worst you'll have to do is start a new thread
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Squiggy- Yeah, that makes 100% sense to me about that quote. It really is pretty true. Well I know he loves me in mommy mode..but I need his engine to rev, that is what we don't have anymore. I got the whole I love you as the mother of the kids and always will, just not in love.
He just called to ask me permission to go to his friends house for a few hours before coming back to the house. That confuses me. I don't know why he asks me.
I just said of course, have fun. I wasn't sure what to say. I know his friend, he is a great guy. Youth pastor-officer. I like him.
He stopped by the house 5 mins after the call for 2-3 mins to drop of d3 a gingerale for his belly and when I bent over to pick his toy off the floor WAH smacked my behind real hard and was out the door laughing before I could even react.
I'm confused. I actually have no idea if I should tell him not to do that but I would have to call or text..or wait a few hours to. Do I let it go? The man has me confused now.
That is your decision on whether or not you want to place/enforce a boundary there. Does it move you forward or hold you back? Can you handle it? Does it feel awkward or bother you? Would it be ok if a male friend did it to you?
Last I saw he still wants to D and move on from each other. In my mind that means no more hanky panky. Can't have your cake and eat it too, right? This is just my opinion and some things to think through so you can make the best decision for you. If you choose to tell him, pick the format where you can best come from a place of strength without leaving any doubt as to your seriousness.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
I dont like it because it gives me mixed signals. It makes me feel like he wants me..but Last week when I didnt enforce my boundaries he would kiss, snuggle, hug etc making me think he was coming home just to tell me again he wants the D. Told his parents its def. happening too. He told me he wouldn't do it anymore on Saturday but he isn't doing a very good job of not touching me.
I was thinking of saying something like..I do not appreciate you smacking my butt, since you said you just want to be friends. It gives me mixed signals and I dont let any other guy smack my butt.
I dont know. I'm having trouble with wording if anyone has suggestions.
It's a great start on setting a boundary. Remember that the format is similar to "If you ...., then .... will happen." HERE is Wonka's very good and useful cheat sheet for boundaries. I referred to it many, many times to help me establish and enforce boundaries.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Well..I told him if you continue to smack my butt and not treat me as a friend then I'm not going to allow you over and we will have set pick up and drop of schedule. His response but youre my wife. My face : 😔 I didn't know what to say. I just walked away.
He texted me to let me know he was at his friends, when he was coming home..its been WEIRD. He made comments like why are you so grouchy. I was like I'm not with a smile. (I'm just not loving,flirting, or anything)
He gave me a hug when I left. At first we didnt because I left and then I had to turn back around and go home and he brought me something to my car so my s3 and d5 wouldnt cry again that i was leaving and he hugged me after he handed me my stuff. Then said have fun doing whatever you are doing tonight and walked away.
MY. HEAD. HURTS. trying not to mind read at all..but what the heck was today. It is EXACTLY 100% what a normal married day would be. I dont get it.
He asked when I will be home tomorrow. I said I dont know.
I feel confused. Emotional. I want to go home and snuggle. 😔
You are so smart to recognize that he is sending you mixed signals. Right now he is totally cake eating. How do you get him to stop? He needs to miss what he can't have.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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Im sulking. All the plans got cancelled and all my friends ditched me. I'm sitting at my moms alone feeling sorry for myself. I am jealous my WAH has so many friends and goes and does so much. I know I shouldnt be but I'm trying to GAL but its hard when EVERYONE DITCHES ME
Don't despair...just think it all have a reason to be. I sometimes did everything that was possible so I would go out with my friends and then felt like the worse crap that exists on earth. Would be much better to just stop myself and breath for a little bit.
If you want to do something and your friends ditch you, then go to a mall and pick a blouse, T-shirt, a pair of shoes. It does not need to be expensive, just something to you, a treat.
Or maybe there is a movie you can't see with the kids, so use that time to catch that movie. Maybe your mom wants to do these things too.
I use to go for long walks... I could cry, talk to myself, think about things and was exercising. There is a place near my house that we can go there for free meditation a few days during the week. Do you have anything like that.
I know you are much, much younger then me and have a lot more energy, but sometimes its good to get in touch with our soul.
I am so sorry you have to deal with all this c**p, my XH did the same thing, I was a mess and felt very confused as you are feeling now. I did many, many mistakes thinking that he would just turn around and we would be back together.
It did not happen and last thanksgiving I was in my room, half sleep already and he came to check on me. Yeah, really. We were already divorced for three months. He then started saying that his back was killing him. Of course, I put him on the cough.
So I told him if he wanted he could lie down on a bed, that we were adults and I needed to sleep. As soon as he was in my bed he came running to hug me.
I looked at him and for the first time I said I did not want to be with him, did not want hugs and kisses and much less any sex with him. I told him that my pain would stop there.
I felt really good, and the truth is that things have been changing since then. A little while after that I set up some boundaries and he can't come in a house without invitation.
I get text msgs every day. He insisted in a meeting were he asked for forgiveness and told me how wrong he was and how many mistakes he did.
It's was only when I put a stop on the insanity that he started showing a little bit of a change. He needs to work hard on himself, I have a lot of work and learning to do on myself yet. I don't know if he will ever come back (we are D) but maybe, just maybe, things can turn around.
So remember that it is not a sprint, this is a marathon. I also understand it is easy for me to say all this today. Believe me honey, I was in your shoes, and even worse ground, so I know it hurt. But keep the good work.
And squiggy, love your input, your advices. It's a hat I can wear. Our girl club thanks you for the male perspective. It helps a lot. After all, we are from Venus.
I wanted to but sat around waiting for my friends so long that everything closed where I live. The mall and everything is cllsed now except resturaunts, movies, etc and everyone works tomorrow now and says its too late.
I just dont know how to handle him. Its so hard when I WANT HIS LOVE. I miss him snuggling, I want all of him and telling him no [censored]. But I know I need too.
It must be hard with your XH. I honestly feel that will be my WAH he will wanna do the same and it worries me. How did you put a stop to it? I struggle.
I hope tomorrow is better. I should only see him for an hour or two max and then not again until monday. I have to tell myself to make it threw tomorrow.
If he asks what I did I'm a horrible liar so I hope he doesnt ask. I dont want to have to tell him I sat at home by my self because everyone ditched me especially when I packed my nice heels and nice going out outfit.
You give in and you don't see your H coming back...
You give in and you don't see your H coming back...
You give in and you don't see your H coming back. ..
You are not seeing wrong, that's what happens when you don't put yourself first. It's a repetition of pain. You feel the need of him, but you keep losing yourself in the process.
I did this. And I cried hard many times. I felt like garbage. I felt he rejected me over, and over and over for each time I had some crumbs of his love.
You may need to walk this path as I did and then learn to respect yourself as I did. Sometimes the only voice we hear is the pain we feel.
Until one day that the pain of saying no more is so much smaller then a few moments of "snuggle" that you will stand up for yourself, with your head tall and say that you want him, but you don't need him.
That will be "YOUR" choice, that will be when you look in the mirror and see a woman you can be proud to see.
I am not ashamed to say I fail myself many times, I learned a huge lesson that will be with me forever. I was in a dark well, but I gather my energy and crawled back out. I am myself now and I have my pride. There is no Snuggle that can replace that.
Think about you. Think of what you want to accomplish, think of who you want to see in the mirror.
You know deep inside that you want him back and you know what you need to do for that to happen.
It's hard work sweetie, it will take a ton of tears from you. My first two days in therapy I throw up, the pain in my body was brutal, I lost a lot of weight, I couldn't sleep, I needed anti-depressants. I was a mess.
I got better only when I decided that it would be less pain if I said ENOUGH.
I am not all better, neither all done. It still hurts that my XH did so much. Made me feel so miserable. It's a long road to recovery. I am just proud I could break that insane cicle of pain.
I can only tell you all this, the decision in your life is yours, only yours.
Lots of hugs to you. It is indeed very painful. Be nice to yourself.
Pink, much appreciated and always great advice from you! I've followed your sitch for a long time. If you ever need a bruiser...
Red, learn the art of omission. You don't have to tell everything. Unless it comes to the well-being of your children, you don't have to tell him a single thing. He does not rule your life. You do. Besides, is he earning such an esteemed place in your life that you would need to report to him? You could simply reply that you chose to stay in and relax. It's true because you still could have gone out alone, and you chose to stay in. No real lie (for the benefit of your conscience) without revealing things he doesn't need to know.
And this leads back to detaching. Your WAH has such a strong hold on you, and I can understand it from you being only a couple months into this. You have a hidden blessing in that he is around you frequently. It gives you opportunities many do not get to display the changes within them. However, you need to take back control. This is another reason why it is so important to GAL and create a life of your own without him. Bring some joy back into your life that is independent of him and your's alone.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
I think I finally broke today. I think today he finally broke me to where I can't DO THIS ANYMORE. I feel like crap. I feel rejected. I feel awful. Having him pack up his work tools, some bigger items, some more clothes. I think it HIT me that OH S***. Like before I know he said it was over and we are getting the D but 80% of his stuff was here so maybe my brain was in more denial then I thought.
I ruined my DB today and asked him if he was talking it all with him. He was like yes..obviously i'm putting it in my car. I was like oh just wondering. He did something and I asked if he was taking it too and he was like i'm not taking everything that I touch with me.I was trying not to cry on the inside and I didn't say anything else after that but kinda avoided him. He said I was acting weird. I was trying not to break down.
When he left he gave me a good hug, looked into my eyes and wouldn't say anything but just stared at me, It made me so sad. I just took it just really gave him a nice long hug as a goodbye, last time I want to hug you because it hurts me too do this anymore.
I feel like I needed it today and I smiled and said bye. THEN I broke down bad. I'm home alone crying because it keeps getting more and more real that he is serious and it's over.
I think it will be less pain if I say enough now. I didn't think I could be this hurt by him just taking things.
I am also on my "time of month" so It makes me SUPER EMOTIONAL. I cry watching cartoons. I cry listening to the radio so idk if it's that or if I'm just this weak or what. I don't know.
I have 4 days to get it together. 4 days until I see him again. I am spending the next 4 days working on me and going MIA unless it's about the kids I think I have to go into a bubble and get my s*** together or else I'm going to break down every time I see him.
How did you mess up? You were making sure you protected the things that are to stay. You kept your distance emotionally and put on a PMA. You accepted a hug, because you CHOSE to accept it. You broke down on your own time, not in front of him. Call me crazy, or if I'm reading it wrong, but that sounds like a success to me.
Yes, you were in denial. Nothing prepares you for it, and your reaction is pretty normal. And even after it happens, you go on to say:
Quote:
I have 4 days to get it together. 4 days until I see him again. I am spending the next 4 days working on me and going MIA unless it's about the kids I think I have to go into a bubble and get my s*** together
Yep. Focus on that.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
How did you mess up? You were making sure you protected the things that are to stay. You kept your distance emotionally and put on a PMA. You accepted a hug, because you CHOSE to accept it. You broke down on your own time, not in front of him. Call me crazy, or if I'm reading it wrong, but that sounds like a success to me.
I don't know I just feel Like I did for asking him about what he was taking and then crying after and for wanting that hug. I feel like I should be stronger then I am. It makes me feel better for not being a complete failure in your eyes though!
I will see him monday or tuesday and then not again until Vday weekend. My friends keep telling me if he has any plans on vday weekend it means there is someone else and just that thought is making me starting to crack out. I know we aren't doing anything together or spending any time with each other or even saying happy vday but I am cracking out bad being paranoid about it.
I guess my goals until I see him is keep doing the same as before..only talk about kids. Don't call or text him. Don't stalk him. Don't tell him details of my life. Try to be happy sounding. Weekend goals.
I did have to call him after he left to ask if he was going to help me pay for my medicine from the doctor and he said he would let me know.( I don't have a job so if he doesn't pay I have to ask my mom or dad or I don't know to pay.)
I have to pick it up in 2 days or they will cancel the order. I don't know how to deal with that situation. Last month was my first month on it and my mom paid for my appt and medicine for the first time because she pushed me to go to the dr and I didn't want to tell my WAH until I saw him in person to tell him that I was put on medicine and why.
He forgot I was on it already and was confused(I only told him the 1 x and never mentioned it again but he doesn't pay attention or doesn't care)
You did it wonderfully. Don't feel disappointed on yourself. I totally endorse all Squiggy words ^^^^^^.
Why do you think many people, professionals, and whole field of studies say that this is one of the biggest impacts on a human being. Because it breaks us down to our cells, our core.
Give yourself time to process the whole pain, cry and let it out. It's not fun, but it is healthy to cry because you are in pain.
Please, as a homework to get you busy and taking care after yourself:
1. Eat - Even if it is no much, try to eat a fruit, something light on your stomach.
2. Sleep - It is very important, even if you keep waking up at night, try to sleep when you can. If you don't, then your brain will work against you.
3. Exercise - if you research, you will find the explanations of the many chemicals that are released into your brain when you exercise. They are good for you, they are good for your mood.
4. Have your faith close by - if you believe in something, this is the time to get it close to your heart. You will need that so your pain is not so strong and you will lean on something right now.
5. Support - choose a friend or two that you can talk. Tell them straight forward that you need them, that at this moment you need their friendship so you can talk about your issues. Have support for your kids too.
6. Read - keep reading all the good material on the subject. The more you learn, the more you understand, the more you see that it is not the end.
7. Lawyer - Did you have your appts already? Do you know everything you need to know if you are served next week. I am not saying it will happen, I am saying you need to be prepared for it. Are you keeping the house? What about alimony, do you think you will get any? Is your car paid off? Start your survival kit - I mean start buying no perishable items that you can stock up, leave it in your mom's place for now. This are things you can have for awhile if things go sour and you make some savings on that. You don't need to do anything for now. You can wait for him if he will ever move forward with this. But you need to be prepare for it all.
8 - Therapy - you still have his insurance, get that apt today. I actually told my XH once it happen. I told him I needed to be on his insurance and treat myself, he agreed. Get your contact lenses ordered. If you need any check up, do it now.
9 - Don't despair - you can cry, feel bad and miserable. But do not despair. Many couples get back together. I love TO324 story - she walked in burning hell and she kept DBing, so many times she said she was done, no hope. And now, she is right beside him. Yes, he finally got his S**t together and said that he would like to give it another try.
Squiggy walked a hard and painful path and now they are back together.
I am divorce and I get texts from my X every single day. We are not done yet.
Just use this time as you said, focus on you, think about the things that you want to change and try to figure it our how to get there. Some things may happen fast and some other ones will take longer. You do not need to be misses right tomorrow.
Be gentle with yourself. Eat chicken soup. I know it is unfair to ask you to do all this now that you are hurting, but there is no other way out unless you have someone doing it for you.
Be strong, be positive, now the good fight started. Prepare yourself for battle and be the best of you.
2- I will try to get more sleep, I am always waking up but I will try to sleep more.
3- Yes I have been exercising.
4- I need to get back into my faith I was doing good then got depressed and now need to get back into it.
5- I have 1 friend I can talk to. Everyone else pretty much has said a-divorce him or dont talk to me about him or b- just don't want to hear about my issues so I mostly just tell me one best best friend who will support me no matter what.
6- I am trying to read more, I got a bunch of books on my kindle to read about it.
7- Lawyers .not yet. I have to try to find time. It is very hard for me. I don't have anyone to watch the kids unless its my WAH and next week I have classes all week when he will be watching them. My mom said she would watch them on Wednesday afternoons so I could start going. I haven't seen a single one yet though.
The house when he wanted to separate he said he was keeping because he bought it before we were married and my name isn't on it. I wouldn't want to take it from him either, he saved and paid for everything himself when we were 21. He worked so hard to be able to get the house for us, that I wouldn't hurt him by taking it, even though I would have to move into 1 room with both my kids and he would get the big house.
My car is paid off. I don't think I would get alimony only being married for 4 years. I am not sure about any legal things but I'm making my list to ask the lawyers.
8- Therapy on my insurance has 40$ co-pay which I'm not sure if he would pay for, and I don't feel right asking my parents to keep paying for all my stuff so idk how that will work =/
9-I will try not to despair. I will try.
I know I need to prepare for a real battle.I know I need to get my stuff together. I know I need to see lawyers. I just seem to be having a hard time actually doing it. I wish I had more friends that were willing to babysit my kids so I could try to go see a few L's just for advice besides always asking my mom who only has 1 day off a week.
Red, I'm glad my judgment makes you feel better, but I would like you to see it with your own eyes. You weren't that blubbery mess in front of him. It's not about what he doesn't see (the crying afterwards, the internal need for a hug). It's about what he does see, and you nailed it. You now have a template for how things need to be going forward. Improve it over time as you get stronger and more detached.
Don't find time to meet with a lawyer. Make time. You need that advice yesterday. Explain that you have young children you are caring for and see if they are willing to meet you somewhere the kids can play, such as a McDonald's with a play place. You'd be surprised how many are willing.
You need to channel your inner Yoda and start doing. I don't care if the food tasted like ash (it did to me when I was depressed). Eat a piece of something each day. If you can only read a paragraph at a time, do it anyway. You can always come back to it.
You can do this.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
My sister stopped by to drop me off a book and she made a comment that made me wonder if I'm mental.
When I miss my WAH instead of calling him or bothering him I MAY..put on one of his shirts he wears that is sprayed with his cologne. She thinks im making things harder on myself and said she thinks that it makes it harder for me to move on.
Heal from the physiology up, that means nutrition. Hence Pinks suggestion of chicken soup.
2- I will try to get more sleep, I am always waking up but I will try to sleep more.
Rest as well as sleep.
3- Yes I have been exercising.
Great news.
4- I need to get back into my faith I was doing good then got depressed and now need to get back into it.
Consider mindfulness and guided meditation as well. There is much free stuff on the Internet and u tube.
5- I have 1 friend I can talk to. Everyone else pretty much has said a-divorce him or dont talk to me about him or b- just don't want to hear about my issues so I mostly just tell me one best best friend who will support me no matter what.
This is where GAL and new friends are so important. New friends will consider your views as they don't know WH.
6- I am trying to read more, I got a bunch of books on my kindle to read about it.
The word try is always a set up excuse for failure. I really dislike that word.
7- Lawyers not yet. I have to try to find time. It is very hard for me. I don't have anyone to watch the kids unless its my WAH and next week I have classes all week when he will be watching them. My mom said she would watch them on Wednesday afternoons so I could start going. I haven't seen a single one yet though.
There is that word try again!
You can start with telephone interviews. My L has a creche assistant on one day of the week.
The house when he wanted to separate he said he was keeping because he bought it before we were married and my name isn't on it.
No sweetheart in most jurisdictions at minimum you are entitled to half of the increase in value since you became M. That's what being M entails, for instance: with all my worldly goods I thee endow!
I wouldn't want to take it from him either, he saved and paid for everything himself when we were 21.
The homemaker has a significant contribution to make when a home is purchased and used during an M. An equal contribution to the asset by building and making a home. You and your child have the need for a home. Your WH has the responsibility to provide for this until you are able to work. The homemaker also puts their career on hold and will suffer a reduced income need.
He worked so hard to be able to get the house for us, that I wouldn't hurt him by taking it, even though I would have to move into 1 room with both my kids and he would get the big house.
This is why you need an L. One who is practical, as a mother with vulnerable children you deserve protection.look after your interests and those of your children. Imagine being in one room with TEENAGERS! Please seek advice.
My car is paid off. I don't think I would get alimony only being married for 4 years. I am not sure about any legal things but I'm making my list to ask the lawyers.
Absolutely you will get it. Seek L advice this is very urgent indeed.
8- Therapy on my insurance has 40$ co-pay which I'm not sure if he would pay for, and I don't feel right asking my parents to keep paying for all my stuff so idk how that will work =/
Ask.
9-I will try not to despair. I will try.
That word try again.
I know I need to prepare for a real battle.I know I need to get my stuff together. I know I need to see lawyers. I just seem to be having a hard time actually doing it.
Firstly is their a divorce club around in your area? If so ring the organiser and ask if there are child friendly L's in your area.
Also when you go looking ask if friends have experience and what they thought of their L. Ring the L explain you have small children, can they accommodate? I run an accounting practice and we have a play area for kids. We provide facilities. Family L will do the same.
I wish I had more friends that were willing to babysit my kids so I could try to go see a few L's just for advice besides always asking my mom who only has 1 day off a week.
These are excuses and it is my view that your resistance isn't doing you any favours. You get one shot at your D and it is an expensive mistake to nice it with your WH. Your WH is seeing himself as dominant and he will get that which he wants. If it helps think of an OW in your home persuading your WH his first family have no needs or wants.
Look after the needs of your children, financial, schooling and health.
--------------------------------
I know this is tough for you to do. It is responsibility and taking care of your future and your children.
It is in my view your responsibility as the more stable parent. At present you are a vulnerable mother of small children. Your L will help secure your future safety and that of your children.
Do not leave your home or assume that your WH has full rights. It isn't the length of your M, the courts will consider the needs of your children.
Where your emotions and R are concerned then it is my belief that you have many choices. In this my sweetheart the choice is advice.
I am very strong on it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
My sister stopped by to drop me off a book and she made a comment that made me wonder if I'm mental.
When I miss my WAH instead of calling him or bothering him I MAY..put on one of his shirts he wears that is sprayed with his cologne. She thinks im making things harder on myself and said she thinks that it makes it harder for me to move on.
Do you think she is right?
If it works then keep doing it, when it doesn't stop or change it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I know I need to see and meet L's. I also have NO IDEA how I am going to pay for one. I know they have free consultations for advice but besides that I literally have 0 idea how I would pay for one. It is one of the things holding me back from going as well.
I know my WAH said he didn't want to use any and thinks we could do it on our own, because we BOTH can't afford a lawyer, but I KNOW everyone says not to do that. Would I have to take out a loan? I am not sure how it works. I know my mom can't help (my parents are D) and my dad flip flops between I can, and I can't.
I know how much he makes, how much all of our bills are and how much is left over(or at least before we separated but it should be about the same.) Honestly for him to even afford child support of 600$ for both kids he would have to get rid of his car payment, cancel his internet, house phone, cable, cell phone at least and maybe get a room-mate. I know he can't afford a L unless his parents paid and they could easily afford one. They are very well off.
5 said unless I have been served there really isn't any info they can give me at this time because they need to "asses" the situation and to wait until I have been served because it is a waste of time to come in
1 gave me a free phone consultation- he said that there is no rush to come in because it seems that was WAH is paying all my bills, gives me money for everything, left me in the house, hasn't taken me off any insurance or cars or done anything except moved out part time himself and that is unusual of people getting a D. He said that the HOUSE is a premarital assets so it will be his because my names not on the deed and because I was a stay at home mom I never contributed financially so unless I want an expensive ugly fight then Yes I COULD TRY to take it but I probably wouldn't get it anyways. He said when I am served in my state I have 20 days to reply and that is when I would come in for a free consultation OR when he FILES then I can come in and we can pull up what he filed into the computer and figure out what to do from there. his retainers 3000$ and it goes up from there. He was very nice. He said I could probably get temporary alimony and child support and he would love to meet me if I have to go with the D but hopefully I don't have to. He said that it is really hard to tell me what will happen because until he files and says what he wants there isn't much we can preplan for because we might preplan for the wrong stuff. I REALLY LIKE HIM.
I plan on keep calling but I am starting to feel very anxious.
I am curious of what state you are. I had no money, was not served with any papers, was just gathering info and got three appointments of my choice because I could get even more. By the way I am in Colorado.
My house was not in my name either and is still not in my name until I can refinance it in a year after my D decree. But it is mine, I got the house because 50% was mine.
In your case, just like V said, if your H bought the house before you were together, and I don't mean married, maybe you were together before being married. You are entitle of some part of the increased market value. What is the price of your house now, minus the price of the purchase years ago.
Your poor H may have 401ks, pension. It is all yours too. Look at this as business.
And I agree with V and Squiggy, stop trying and do it. When you talk to a L, don't say that your H just left but he is such amazing man, giving you money, support, house. First, he is not giving you anything that is not already yours. Second, the L won't waste his time in a foolish couples fight. To get what you want from the L, and this is what you need right now, you need to say that your H is a bastard and you are looking into filling yourself because he is the worst man in the world.
The L will have appointments tomorrow, child care and snacks, they will tell you all what you need to know and if you have some numbers, financial info, they will try to calculate stuff around your situation.
Payment can be done with a credit card. Once you have some picture of what kind of money you may get from the D and you may be able to pay the L with the money that comes from the division of assets. I did this. I did not have any money either.
**** About the T-shirt, I also think you are going LOCO, get that shirt and put in a box.
OH MY GOSH I just had a 1.5 hr talk to a lawyer on the phone. He left bad for me and gave me a FULL 1.5 HOURS. I love his wife, she was the receptionist and she was like hold on let me have my husband talk to you. I ASKED LIKE 59027839172 QUESTIONS I FEEL AMAZING. You guys were right. Knowledge is power. If I get a D this is my family people I WILL USE. It would take me like an hour to tell you everything he said but basically I can have part of the house, I will get child support, I qualify for alimony, He can pay for my schooling, and his fee covers everything until the D is final
I pretty much did what you said. I was like I want info on this can I make a consultation. She asked me a few questions and then gave the phone to her husband. I didn't tell them anything about my WAH unless they asked.
He thinks my WAH is a immature, selfish, controlling person.
I found out that he isn't too expensive 3500$ But he will start with 1000$ and I can make payments, put it on a credit card, make the WAH pay for it..he gave me about 5-6 options on how to pay if I want to use him.
He made me laugh, CRY, smile, CRY, and then FEEL BETTER. I WILL BE OKAY.
He bought the house after we had our daughter, 2 years into our relationship but 6 months before the wedding. My L said the same, that I AM ENTITLED to some.
Same with taxes for the last 2-3 years i'm entitled to half which would be 10-15,000$ since I never got more then 500$ from 7-10,000$ tax returns.
I get half his retirement, pension, 401k, etc.
I will be FINE. I asked him so much and FINALLY got so many answers.
I hope you guys are proud of me BECAUSE I'M PROUD OF ME!
**** I put the shirt in the bottom of my drawer. I might be going a little loco. Okay maybe really loco. I may have snuck into his car to spray his cologne on the shirt and then sneak it back into the house sometimes when it runs out of his scent because I miss his smell in my bed.
I PROMISE not to touch the shirt for the whole weekend at leasy(to start off). I really do wear his shirts around and sleep in them almost every night since I always did when he worked overnights because I missed him. Boundary 180 on myself? Stop doing it because he isn't my H and I am just hurting myself from being strong.
I still DO NOT want the D, but now I know what I can do. He gave me advice on how to follow.
He said get my cna license, I start classes monday. He said IF I want to file then do it once I have a job. Don't make it more of a burden on myself, OR wait until my WAH files and start it then if I want to try to see what happens.
I will keep doing my DB, keep being strong, HOPEFULLY WAH see's the light but if not, then I have my L and have my plan B.
I will keep this close to my chest V. I am telling NO ONE besides you guys that I talked to a L. I don't want anyone to know. I would rather have everyone think I am not looking or calling and then surprise them later. I think everyone thinks I am a dumb bag of rocks.
I do plan on now saving money for the L. When I get my Job I plan on putting what I can away for if WAH files I will have the 3500$ and not have to worry. If I don't get the D I want to use the 3500$ to help as a down payment on a new car! EITHER WAY I WIN!
AND my happy just crashed and burned into a fire pit.
I was on the phone with my MIL(i'm close to my WAH parent's still. Always have been.) and I mentioned my WAH thought I should apply for a job at the place where his 3 aunts, grandma, cousins work because his aunts the hiring manager and could get me a job and she's like hahaha omg no that would be the last place I would apply incase things go really bad. It kinda stung and hurt. I played it off with oh yeah I know.
I told her I also got a job call from my WAH job(civillian job in another building) and she's like oh god that would be awful. AWESOME if we were together, HORRIBLE if we got the D..so even though I WANT THE JOB I will prob say no. It's the perfect schedule for the kids and at the perfect pay. UGHHHHHH so frustrating. I didn't know it was at his job because when I applied it was so vague and didn't have the place listed.
And I know well how much it is difficult to look for all this information, L, what is mine and what is his. It breaks our hearts to go through the process, but it is well worth it. You now know your rights and know that he can't come with a piece of paper and tell you bananas, so you can sign whatever and hurt yourself financially.
MY XH tried. I listened to all his blah, blah, blah. He has all D papers ready for me to sign at a café. I asked him in a very calm way if this was what he decided for the D and he said that that was our best shot, that he was looking into leaving me in a good place to start. I then told him that I would consult with my L and get back to him. He was crazy, his voice got louder. I then stood up and said that if he would talk to me like that, that I would leave. He tried to convince me again, but I had made my mind and knew my rights.
Too bad for him underestimating me.
That's the same with your H, telling you that he will have the house for himself and you need to walk. He is not thinking straight, he does not care about his family right now. Maybe things will turn around and he will be normal again. But if not, you have your weapons in place.
Excellent that you want to keep it a secret. In any way he can find out that you have all this info or he will also play his cards. And the subject is money, people change, they go for the throat.
I did not say it in a bad way about the T-shirt. It is just that you need to concentrate on you and do not allow yourself to be too mellow right now. But it seems you are doing a good job.
Red, all what you are doing will also start changing you. With time you will change so much for a better you, a glowing you that he will see the changes and will start thinking about his own decisions. We don't know how long it will last, but eventually he will notice.
Now, he thinks you are weird, act weird. With time he will see you are not siting around feeling sorry for yourself. And like our lovely squiggy said... It's attractive.
All what I can say is that you are amazing, you are protecting yourself and your kiddos... great job!
You also have good plans for your life, your future, what is excellent. Even if you two decide to reconcile, you have only victories because you are developing a career.
Just curiosity: Who pays the phone bills? Can he trace your phone calls?
I am pretty sure that is something my WAH would do to me. I want his jaw to drop if he thinks I'm an idiot. I know I might be alittle ditzy and slow on things but I also was a 4.3 Straight A student. Common sense I might struggle with somedays though hah.
I DO think I am making positive changes. He noticed on the phone when he called the kids. He said I sounded different and happy and asked what I was doing. I said oh nothing but here are the kids! Hand phone to s3 who yells into phone about cartoons lol.
I am sad the job I wanted is AT HIS JOB though. what the heck. what. the. heck. OF COURSE that is my luck. Just means It wasn t meant to be!
He pays my phone bill but my phone bill is a monthly pay here phone, so is his. We had bad issues with our 2 year contract so once it was up we went to monthly pay plan so we can cancel at any time and switch when we want. All he does is enter my phone number and pays the bill. He doesn't know (at least I DON'T THINK) he knows the password to log into my account and see who I call or text. My password is 6 digits code so I don't think he would think of it..even though it is my birthday.( Let me go change it)
I am 90% sure I know his but I have restrained from looking up numbers and being pyscho and calling every number to see who answers. So days I want to though.. I won't lie somedays I want to.
Strong, confident...Damn! I too am very proud of you, red!
I really hope you do not let that feeling slide. Consider it one of your first major victories.
You're definitely disappointed about the jobs. It's not the end of the line though. CNA, right? How much longer? I work in a behavioral health section of ONE of the hospitals in my city. Want me to throw jobs at you? That's not counting all the retirement homes, nursing homes, home health agencies, residential agencies, private doctor's offices, etc. It's only the end of the world if you let it be (like the hopeless L situation you just smashed into the ground... )
Money is just a matter of good budgeting. We can help you with that as well. During our separation I paid for the house, utilities, joint cell phone plan, joint car/house insurance plan, all of son's daycare, healthcare for myself and son, food and clothing for myself and son, and bought him a new bed (his big boy bed) on an income slightly higher than W's. She came out of the process with $3k debt. I came out about even with only a little in debt to a friend for L fees that was planned out. All about good plans.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Squiggy! CNA school I will be done with on thursday! Then just need to take the test, pass, and I'll be a licensed CNA hopefully by March. THEN my goal is save on the side for school to go get my LPN or RN eventually, I need 4 classes to finish my AA and apply to nursing program at school.
Thank you! I didnt even THINK of half the places you listed a CNA can work! =D Gives me more hope and options! I can do it. I'm also scared since ive never had a full time job. Sad really.
My step sister felt bad about my plans all being cancelled on thursday so she got me a babysitter aka asked my mom to watch my kids for me and bribed her since she lives with my mom. Is paying for parking, access into the club-loungue place, and is driving. She said I can't say no when she took care of everything.
I'm nervous. Its VERY OUT of my comfort ZONE. I'm more of a sit at a nice fancy bar, drink wine or fruity drink and eat some food with friends. Ive never been to a club-loungue place and have to dress up super sexy to go out there. Its making me sweaty and nervous.
Idk if its because I dont want people to think I'm a bad mom for going out, or if I worry my WAH will get angry, or if its because I dont want guys hitting on me..I have no idea what my problem is but I'm nervous and its 24 hours away.
First an L and now a career plan? Feels better having a plan, huh? I work with an APRN and my son's godmother is a retired RN. So many doors open for you as you climb up.
Get all sexy for it and enjoy the attention. You're 24 and have a full life ahead of you. Enjoy it some!
It doesn't make you a bad mother at all. Your kids need you at your best, and part of that is being happy and relaxed. A night out is great way to do that. You need that time away for yourself every now and then.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Just go for it. Dress well, something sexy but not what you will feel uncomfortable. Just casual sexy I would say.
Oh...24... at your age I was in crazy mode. Life was a really big playground. Nice time, enjoy it as much as you can.
For quite a few times, I sense you fear your H. Is there any fear? Is your H those guys that can lose it and be kind of violent in some form or level?
His job is not the most friendly I would say, and they tend to be kind of aggressive if there are any issues with depression, anxiety. He is going through a turmoil right now, is there any possibility he would get angry to a violent level?
Now, about you going out. How is that possible that he will know what you are doing? Are you thinking to tell him about this? You do not need, as long as you have a trusted adult to care after your kids, and it will be family, I don't think it should be any issue.
Just be careful to cover all your steps. You do not want to give him a reason to try to get custody from you. Did he ever mention anything about the kids, or is he just fine with the kids being under your care? Maybe he did not even think about this yet, but he will think.
Anyway, going out will be good for you. It will probably feel awkward at first, you are a wife, a mom... that put us far from a woman's world. Try to relax and enjoy yourself.
Squiggy- yes yesterday made me feel good making a plan and talking to the L and planning. I feel more prepared for either plan A or plan B.
Pink-
I dont think he would get angry to a violent level with me. Hes never been violent with me besides yelling a few times and if someone yells at me I automatically cry then he feels bad and its over..BUT with being separated I DONT KNOW.
I have seen him get mad at video games and punch a wall and put a hole in it or throw the controller at the wall and have a tantrum.
I just know I don't want to make him mad where he feels like he needs to do some revenge thing like going out with some girls or something stupid.
I dont plan on telling him BUT MY STEPSISTER will. She is a social media obsesser with her friends. I never post any of my business but she will.
A typical day for her is literally post 10 things, tag her self into places, upload 5-6 selfies. And her friends are going and they are all the same and even if they don't tag me I already can expect to show up in some photos.
AND SHE TOLD HIS SISTER ALREADY because they are friends and invited her too so my sister in law knows and prob my MIL,FIL, and WAH all know by now too. -_-
Since my separation my facebook has turned into people just tagging me in photos or places with them. I dont GO on my facebook but once a week or two but they don't get it when I say DON'T tag me please.
He never posts or get tagged in anything so there is no proof he goes out drinking 3-4 times a week. I tried to tell them I don't need to give him proof or reasons to make my life harder.
Even photos they don't tag me in he will see because he is friends with all of them and can look on their stuff. Like for one bachelorette party there was a photo of me smiling with my drink talking to my friend in the background and he saw them and kept bringing it up and about my dress looking too short.
He knew I was going it was his cousin and a few family members and his cousins friends and he watched me get dressed before I went and didnt like my dress then and I changed my heels to shorter ones because he wouldn't stop complaining about me going out in 5" heels because I would fall and they looked dangerous.
He said he knows I'm a great mom and would never try to take the kids from me especially with his schedule where he works so much, overnights, then sleeps all day.. But that can always change. He can always decide to get nasty later.
And no his job is not friendly at all and he is on the extraction team at work..so when you see the guys in the shield and with the gas bombs etc on tv going in to whoop butt he gets to do that too. I will say this job took him from my sweet caring cna taking care of old people to pretty cocky and working out,thinking he is a bad A.
OKAY SO THIS IS MY DAY-Needless to say I AM BALLIN MY EYES OUT
WAH called to ask how the kids are..tell me he went over finances and he can only give me 400$ a month in child support for both kids. He doesn't want to go to court and get into some battle over money and that is all he can give me. He wanted to know if that is okay and that is what he will start giving me now for child support.
He said him and his dad got into a huge fight over him staying there and they are making him move out by the end of Febuary so he wants me to ask if I can move out of our house and into my moms(aka me and kids sharing one bedroom at my moms house or sharing a bedroom with my mom.) He said he was going to tell me monday(the SAME day he is over smacking my butt and being all loving) but it made him feel shitty to ask so he had todo it on the phone.
I was very strong in the beginning, I let him vent about his parents and validated his feelings. I did tell him I thought he was going to give me a few months to figure out my situation and he said his dad is pushing the whole if we are getting a divorce we need to hurry up and get it started already because it can take awhile type deal.
He said he has not seen any lawyers and he doesn't want to see any lawyers right now and he isn't talking about speeding up the D process just maybe finding me somewhere else to live. I told him my mom already said no. That she isn't sharing a room with me and my kids. (My mom said she will do what she has to do but I don't want him to know this and kick me out. I refuse to be kicked out until the D is in the process or until I CHOOSE TO LEAVE.)
I told him I wish he had told me that he told his parents we were getting the D 100% because when I got a call from his aunt telling me it kinda sucked. He said he only told his dad that because they got into a huge fight that almost got physical.
I mostly was quiet. I had a shirt over my face to stop from crying. I tried getting off the phone about 2823472 times and he was like wait I'm not done.
I just said okay, I will talk to my mom again. What will we do if she says no? He said he will just move back into the house with me and the kids and we will figure out how to be together but separated. Maybe sleep in different rooms. He doesn't want to live together but if it's a last resort he won't make me leave with the kids. I kinda saw that as good because then MAYBE I can show him how different I am? Maybe. I don't know.
I feel like my world is crumbling down around me. I finally was like I need to get off the phone,I'm not in the mood to talk about this, I don't want to cry on the phone and I will talk to you another day.
He ended the call with why won't you talk to me? Why won't you tell me what is going on in your head(I'M A HUGE TALKER.) I am still here for you and want to know you are okay. I am still here for you sweetie.
I said I am going to be FINE, plus I don't think running to the man who is leaving you is the best place to turn for comfort now is it?
He said I just want you to know I want to be here for you, I always will be.
I said bye and hung up. Now i'm ballin my eyes out.
You don't have to leave. He left you and his family. It is not your problem if he can't stay where he ran to. Speak to your L again about your right to stay in the house he left. I've been reading up on your sitch, just not posting much. You have a lot of support here, but even better....you have a lot going for you.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
The L said to stay and not go anywhere-called his cell. He said LIE if I have to but don't leave until he files or until it's final because why should he have it easy and me suffer more then I need to. I am okay now, no longer crying but I feel empty. I almost want to just go file myself to be done with this pain but I know it's my feelings talking and not my brain.
Yep. Those darn feelings. Gettin' in the way of our ability to get S#%t done for ourselves. Sorry to date myself, but Pat Benatar said "Love is a Battlefield"...she wasn't kidding. You are fighting to keep it going, or fighting to just keep it.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I almost want to just go file myself to be done with this pain but I know it's my feelings talking and not my brain.
UGH, me too me too 10099 times over. I know you're feelings, at least I think I do. I'm trying to give myself 24 hours each time I get that heavy, overly reactive feeling coming over me before doing anything about it. Have you ever been this completely exhausted? I haven't. I've never felt so drained, I feel like I'm going to have to fake every interaction with the H for a long time.
My plan is just to work around the house today, clean the car...just stay busy. Stop going around in circles in my head.
Ciluzen, I went and just listened to that song now. It's a good song.I sang along lol.
Roar, UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH nope. I was less exhausted getting up 6 times a night breast feeding my baby and having no sleep. I am physically, mentally, emotionally, completely just exhausted and over it. The ONLY good thing I can think of is if he moves home maybe he can see the changes more then just when he sees me for a few hours in a week. I also think it will be a lot harder for me. Do we have separate rooms? Do we share the same room? Do I leave every night he has off? Like IDFK
Hey me too! With us being on the road, I'm just going to let him decide his deal but set boundaries if needed. I think it'll be harder but it'll also keep us accountable to our changes because while they are for us, it's easier to keep it up when there are watchful eyes. Once it's a real habit, we're golden.
This is my problem too - over planning. Girl, we gotta take it one day at a time. See what's really going on. Be observant, be firm, and be confident in OUR decisions (self pep talk before H comes home lol). Our journey is separate from theirs and we can and will be better in the end either way.
I was just popping in to say, I hope you have a fabulous night out with your sister!!
roar - Well said about one day at a time. That whole paragraph Great advice for the two of you.
Red - you've gotten in contact with an L, broadened your job options, began making plans, GALing tonight, and are working on boundaries, all within a week, while being an awesome mom for two toddlers during this sitch? You've got the green light for being tired. I hope you're having a great night and relaxing a bit.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Ok, my night out after not so great morning started awful ended fun.
He ended up seeing a photo of me, just my makeup before I went out and he texted me to tell me I look "cute". I never said anything since I didnt know what to say.
I had a few guys try to talk to me but I politely shooed them away, once they knew I wasn't going home with them they would leave too. One guy came over with a drink and then said I bought you a drink, want to hook up. I STILL WEAR MY RING. I was like what type of place did you take me to. I was very uncomfortable and wanted to leave.
Finally we left and went somewhere more my style, I got to dance alittle, have 1 drink, look really pretty and smile. Got taco bell at 2:45 am on the way home. I just got home at 3:15 am my time.
I think today was a hard emotional day. I cant wait for tomorrow. I hope I wake up in a better Db mindset and not so..give up and walk away mind set.
Roar and Squiggy you guys both vave me great advice I need to listen to and follow starting when I wake up.
I didnt realize how much of a roller coaster marriage and separation can be! The highs are high..but the lows..oh man they are low.
Tomorrows goals- keep working on me. Start my wreck this journal my friend got me today. Try to get out of this gove him the D and walk away to make the pain hurt mindset.
I am so sorry you are going through this. And I say sorry from the bottom of my heart because I felt it all some time ago. And to be honest, it still hurts.
Glad that you had some fun. It helps to feel not so invisible. But it's hard when we have a million other things to think about.
It's not going to be fun if he moves back home. But you need to think that you need to do whatever takes for your and your little one's securities.
Who knows, maybe he changes his mind in the process.
Keep the good work, you are strong and can do this.
Hi Rednail, sounds like you had a good time. Bless you, you were so strong during that phone call! I really don't think you should move out of the family home with your children. I know you're not getting L advice at the moment but I know they would tell you not to. When I DBd my M 9 years ago my H ended up coming home to R. I know it's not the same thing as this situation of your H moving back in, but, my H was very cautious about moving in and didn't want to share a bedroom etc. My S was on the verge of moving into a bed from a cot at the time so what we did was buy an adult bed for his bedroom. H slept in it while S stayed in the cot a little while longer. Then gradually H warmed up to the idea of sleeping in same bed again. Do you have a single bed that H could sleep in and one of the children sleep in with you? I know it isn't ideal but better than moving out and uprooting the children when you are all already going through turmoil.
Pink- I know I keep telling myself no matter how bad it gets, I'm doing this for my kids. I'm in a semi better mindset today.
Inpain-Yes my kids all have full size beds either of us could sleep in if we needed. Only problem is I dont think my H would care and expect just to sleep in the same bed together. Every time he sleeps over he stays in our bed but it might be different if he moves in. He might want separate rooms.
I was thinking putting a pull out couch into the toy room and cheap according doors so at night it turns into a "room" since it has a tv, computer, etc and on the other side of the house from the bedroom. We would be on opposite sides of the house with the kids rooms, living room, kitchen, front door between us.
I think he might try to find somewhere else because he made it clear he doesnt want to come back home if he doesnt need to.
I just worry in my head if I will get to confortable and think oh hey we are getting back together and we arent.
I dont think I will see him until tomorrow or tuesday and it is giving me anxiety. I know I will have to have a serious I cant go live at my moms talk but idk how to DB and make it sound. Idk help me prepare!!
My step sister said the same thing. She thinks he is really moving back to watch me or to be controlling because even though his dad said out by Feb 29, his mom said he could stay as long as he needs to and he doesn't have to leave.
I dont go out but he thinks( because I didn't spend the night at my house but went to be with my mom and sisters) that this week I went out tuesday, wednesday, last night and tonight for the superbowl. I'm staying home for the superbowl but I'm trying to DB and be vague and just SAY I dont know instead of telling him everything.
So do you think we should SHARE the MB or kick him out of the MB and I keep it and he gets where ever else in the house? He works overnight so the only nights we actually would be in the same bed is maybe 2-3 nights a week tops on a great week but usually 2 or less depending on work schedule.
If it's hard to enforce boundaries then do so. Your choice and you can change your mind.
Also if you are receiving the same message from several places then consider the opinion carefully. What is your"gut feel? Is that which you are doing working for you? Can you cope with WH back in your space?"
Further do you think WH returning home is a strategy to remove you from the house?
Take extreme care and be safe.
You can say "I am unsure about you living here in the same house"
And "what alternatives are there WH."
I wish to delay this until I feel ready.
Check your phone, tablet and computer for keyloggers and monitoring of your whereabouts too.
Keep on checking as well over time that you have your space, freedom etc.
This man sacked you as his W, he wanted you to go home, to have no resources, to control your destiny.
Care. You have come a long way in knowing your sitch, you are GAL. I as a supporter for you want to see this continue.
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I'm not sure what I want yet. He hasnt told me what he wants so I'm curious.
I worry he will say EVERY night he is off I NEED to leave vs just when he keeps the kids overnight which is once a week or so.
I'm not willing to leave for 2-3 days a week. I guess I need to ask him how he expects this to work if he comes and then really think about what I want.
I worry I wont be able to GAL or do anything when he comes but then again I'm 24, and he as you said fired me as his wife so even if I put the kids to sleep there is no reason for me not to be able to GAL after. They go to sleep at 7:30-8pm.
I worry he will expect me to do EVERYTHING like I USED to. Clean, cook, get his uniform ready,pack his meals, make him coffee, pick up his dry cleaning etc whatever.
I will look for keyloggers. I'll do that today. My phone has a password he won't know but the computer doesnt.
He is getting very predictable as well. I can tell my mom or sister he will call or text by x time and if he doesnt he will show up physically by x time and I'm 90% right. Along with at least 2-3 x a week he likes to surprise me by showing up at someones house I'm at to see the kids( sometimes I feel its to see if Im lying)
I have never lied but sometimes he makes me want to park my car behind the privacy fence in the backyard to see what would happen. Probably wouldnt be smart idea though.
I was thinking for child support-he will not drop telling me he can only give me 400$ a month and no more.
He said we need to talk about it Monday or Tuesday so we can "prepare" for the divorce he doesnt want to go to get a divorce and have me complaining about what he can afford and he doesn't want to pay 1000$ and loose everything he has either.
I DON'T want to talk about court or lawyers or anything because that is when he flips out and yells and shuts down and says I'm trying to ** him over.
Id like to say- yes wah's name I think 400$ is good child support WHILE separated and while you are still paying for everything.
That being said if I get a job for 10$ an hour as a cna after taxes I will bring home around 1200-1300$. You would like for me to cover child care, which is fine while we are separated since I have no other bills.
Child care is 1150$ a month and i'd have enough for gas and the 400$ would be enough to cover the kids expenses and food.
When-if we proceed with the D though I will be negative hundreds of dollars. I will need my own car insurance, gas, food, items for kids, health insurance, etc and still paying for all of the child care I will not be able to do that.
How about we figure out that later when I do have a job, and see how much it will cost in gas, and other expenses and figure that out at a later time but if you would like to start giving me the 400$ now I will gladly accept it.
For the moving in this is all I got: I would like to be able to make this situation the best for both of us. I want to stay in the MBR and if you would want you can stay in there with me with boundaries on what will or will not happen or we can set you up a room across the house in the toy room and rearrange everything.
I will glady still leave on ONE of your days off like we have been doing so you can have that alone time and quality time with the kids since we will be together the rest of the week.
How you are handling the money situation is golden - calm, and collected. Truthfully, you shouldn't agree to a $ amount until you DO know what your finances will look like and I think you're handling that in a respectable, mature manner which speaks volumes. Sometimes it feels like WAH says those things to push buttons and get a freak out moment to justify their decisions.
I like your MBR suggestion, and I think it's something I'll be taking inspiration from.
Roar- it is really hard. I'm mostly trying to get him to drop the issue for now since it makes him very angry to talk about but I also can't keep not talking about it because he brings it up all the time.
V- That is a good idea. I will add a 4th one as well which will be on my OWN. The budget of what I came up with was just for if I lived with my mom. I couldn't even afford a 2-3 bedroom apartment over here where I live without another extra 800-1200$ a month on top of my maybe 1200$ paycheck AND child support.
He thinks because we had a house (really bought cheaply when the market was lower)and all our bills he could afford before that I should be able to be fine but I think he forgets that is with being a SAHM to make sure we didnt need to pay 1200$ in child care and our house payment is only 420$ while an apartment or rental will be 3x that.
Do I just make a spreadsheet and hand it to him with all the different budgets so he can see or is that for me?
I think you need to know these figures and keep refining them.
If it were me after discussion with WH I would say, I would like to think about this a little, perhaps put something together as I feel unsure. How did you get to your figure? Can I see how?
Then refine your figures again, only discuss the sitches you want to discuss with WH.
Cards, close, chest and confidential.
Let your workings be a straw dog (something to be shot down) and you might put a couple of errors in there, say an expense figure ten times too big, to give hime something to point out to you and buy you revision time.
Being prepared is going to be so worthwhile.
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
He called me today and was cranky on the phone. He said his parents are letting them stay now as long as he needs to he is no longer moving back in but he wanted to know if 400$ was okay.
I told him I would rather talk in person and he got mad at me. He said that I'm being dumb and I don't listen to him. He said even with the D he is giving me my car and still wants to pay for my car insurance, cell phone, health, on top of the 400$.
Isn't that weird? Is it? How does that even work? Here ex hubby, here are my bills for this month for my health, car, phone, could you pay them please?
I didn't think it would make me sad for him not to move in but it does. I don't know why. I feel like him living with his parents it will push him to start the divorce faster and give me less time to DB with the pressure of his dad.
I think I am going to do that V. While we are separated and not filed I will tell him that 400$ is going to be okay (MAYBE) if it's just for my gas and groceries but until I GET a job, put the kids in full time to daycare, and SO MANY other factors, I really won't know if it is going to be enough down the road and we have to wait..and I will keep finding reasons to not settle on a number until then I guess.
He called me today and was cranky on the phone. He said his parents are letting them stay now as long as he needs to he is no longer moving back in but he wanted to know if 400$ was okay.
Sounds like he sussed in the long term not enough.
I told him I would rather talk in person and he got mad at me. He said that I'm being dumb and I don't listen to him. He said even with the D he is giving me my car and still wants to pay for my car insurance, cell phone, health, on top of the 400$.
Control my lovely one.
Isn't that weird? Is it? How does that even work? Here ex hubby, here are my bills for this month for my health, car, phone, could you pay them please?
As long as you get it paid. Let him think you are so little dumb woman.
I didn't think it would make me sad for him not to move in but it does. I don't know why. I feel like him living with his parents it will push him to start the divorce faster and give me less time to DB with the pressure of his dad.
I think the reverse. The longer you can hold out the better.
I think I am going to do that V. While we are separated and not filed I will tell him that 400$ is going to be okay (MAYBE) if it's just for my gas and groceries but until I GET a job, put the kids in full time to daycare, and SO MANY other factors, I really won't know if it is going to be enough down the road and we have to wait..and I will keep finding reasons to not settle on a number until then I guess.
I love the strategy. Absolutely take your time. You have the gift of time and now you have your home for the immediate future. Long may it last. Work on you.
Terrific work done, great interactions with H. Objective achieved for the interim.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am starting to see that he really is weirdly controlling. I don't know anyone whose ex husband want's to put in the divorce he will pay for all her bills instead of upping the child support. Makes no sense to me. Yes I want to pay all of her bills for her, but not up the child support please. What the heck.
I asked him "Could you pick up x,y,z for D5 valentines day party on Friday?" I forgot to ask when he was being cranky on the phone and I need to make sure he gets it on his day off tomorrow.
He just texted me: "Yeah, I'll get it.You know you can ask me to do absolutely anything for you. It's not like I don't care about you still crazy. I'm not going to be mean and cut you away or anything."
^ When he says things like this It is SO HARD not to snap on him and really tell him what I think. I responded, Thank you, I'll see you tomorrow. I really do NOT understand why he want's to keep telling me he will do anything for me and is here for me. I just want to tell him what I think but I KNOW it would do nothing but cause a fight.
This is true, at least have the house for right now. I can work on me. I can DB. I can keep moving forward.
Keep up the good work. My W and I have been on the rocks for at least a year. I did not realize how bad it was and filed for D out of fear. It is not what I want. I have the kids while she is living at her parents. She still wants to go through with the D. She is 4 hours away. I have thought about letting her have custody of them but I don't know who is more controlling, her or me. I am a generous person and would probably do the same and pay for extra things. There are nice guys out there. Sometimes they just don't hear their Ws.
I woke up and realized what I did wrong but have a long road to show W I care and can change.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Jimkao, I am sorry to hear that. I must be even harder with 5 kids then it is with 2! You are an amazing dad for having all of them full time. I would love if my WAH woke up and realized that like you did. I really would, but right now he just is a ball of mixed signals and confusion. I have to just focus on me and my babies until he a-smartens up or b-I really move on.I hope you guys can figure it out as well and you continue to be an amazing dad for your kids!
Went back to my first post, REALLY IN DEPTH rereading all of those posts from cadet as your welcome post. I feel like this week I have been lost and the closer we get to V day the worse I am getting because I know i'll be alone.
Back to basics:
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
It is 9:24 pm and I have had 4.5 hours of sleep in 24 hours, I have only eaten one taco and a piece of toast today, I haven't exercised and I haven't relaxed. I am now making myself soup, going to lay down, watch the superbowl and get ready FOR SCHOOL TOMORROW. I can't let myself ruin my school on monday.
I also lost my voice today and think I got an ear infection because my ears are hurting. I need to take better care of myself. Everytime we have a D talk, even if I do well I let it affect me to much. I let it consume me and make me break down and usually I would be up all night tossing and turning thinking about it.
Wish me luck at school! First time since before kids =/ NERVOUS.
You got this girl!! Walk into class tomorrow with confidence! You are a bad-you-know-what going back to school with everything you have going on, really. Be proud!
I'm not the best at taking care right now too - I'm putting it all into the kid. I'm tying to make eating a habit again...even if it's something small, like a snack. Also, sleep has been hard especially with the constant head chatter and the feelings. I'm doing what my mom has always pestered me to do - sleep when you need to, when you can. Even if it's a little nap on the couch, it's better than nothing! I'm finding it easier to sleep on the couch right now with the TV on. I don't know what it is, it might be the feeling utterly alone that gets to me.
I'm on the same page! Detach and no expectations! Slow and steady. One day at a time.
I know it shouldnt matter but the other thing that gets to me is the more I db the less he asks about me so I worry. He used to ask me about me GAL and curious and now he asks nothing besides the kids stuff and keeps it all kids. Just sometimes I'm like shoot I'm pushing him away more. I hope I'm not.
That is all my W asks about also is the kids. Don't worry. They are still in the fog and don't know what they are missing. Be strong and do what you have to do no matter what the outcome.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Red - don't let him drawing away and focusing on the kids distract you from the tasks you have set before you. Watch that mindreading.... While he's doing that, he's also telling you how he cares for you and willing to pay for more than just the kids. I spot an alien.
roar - I slept on the couch for 6 months with Pandora streaming on the TV
Jim - in the fog with high beams on...
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Squiggy- All day today I have been telling myself to keep being strong,sexy, confident like you said. I got my crying out already today from being emotional so now I Just need to hold it together and be confident,fun, positive when he visits.
I have a semi game plan in my head. Hopefully it goes good and I'll report in later.
Roar- I still sleep on the couch somedays. Im trying better to sleep when I can. I'm taking a NAP today when my kids to.
Jim- yeah the fog is thick and I know we both have to do what is best for us and the kids.
The doors will blast off their frames once you realize you don't need to keep telling yourself to keep being strong, sexy, confident and instead embrace that you are strong, sexy, confident. It is something difficult for a lot of us LBS to learn. I remember being a wet noodle...
C'mon, butterfly, time to unfold those wings.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
He didn't tell me he was coming over( Just shows up) so he came and found us outside. Kids were running around playing, I was washing my car and dancing with music singing. We were having a great time. I don't even know how long he was watching us from the open sliding glass door before we saw him.
I had a bikini top, tank top, shorts so I know at the very least I looked good, I was going to wear my usual like hobo shirt and workout pants but wanted to feel like one of those hot girls on the tv commercials and I didn't even CARE if anyone saw me. I did it for me. I didn't think he would see me in it, I just wanted to make myself feel good.
He didn't talk much. He came outside for a little.. then went inside by himself(even though he came to visit the kids.) I told the kids to go inside and play with daddy while I finish up. He went into our room, in the dark, laid on the bed alone. I went in there and got a change of clothes. He offered to untie my top of my bikini and I said sure, thanks. Then I changed in the bathroom.(Boundaries! Usually I'd change in the room and not care.)
I LEFT him alone in there(usually I would go spend time with him, ask what is wrong, invade his bubble.) Went and made dinner. He came and got a drink of water then went back into the room to pout. I popped my head in, said there is left overs if you want any. I am putting them in the fridge and let it go.
He didn't want any. He made a comment about how I wear my certain bra a lot( I don't but I guess the last 3-4 times I have seen him I just happen to be wearing the black one) and I should go buy new bras and panties on my VS card and treat myself. Not too much or I have to use my half of the income taxes to pay it off.( WOAH before he said maybe 300-500$ now half is like 3500$ NO EXPECTATIONS over 300-500 but I would fall over if he gave me thousands.) I just smiled and nodded and went back to reading a book.
Eventually he is like alright daddy is going to go now to work(what he says to make the kids not cry when he leaves). My D5 said daddy you and mom aren't married anymore are you. You don't wear your ring and you are never home.(OMG SHE IS SMART.) He said of course we are baby, you are silly. We are still married. Daddy just works a lot. Mommy still has her ring on too see.( Grabs my hand and shows d5) I didn't say A WORD..sooo awkward. Then my S3 started to cry because he now associates daddy being home with me having to leave for the night. I was like stop baby,mommy is staying, promise.He stopped after that.
Wah looked CRUSHED today when he left. He told me he was going over to spend the night at a friends. I was like..ok He said I just want you to know where I am and where I am going. I said okay, Have fun! He walked over and put his arms open for a hug. I gave him a hug, it was kinda sad today. I actually think he needed one after the kids and he just held me really tight with his head on my shoulder, and said he promised to be back before I need to go to class in the morning. I just said okay! Bye!
SUCCESS in my books. Maybe not the hug, but I felt like as a friend he needed one.
Seriously, everything from the car wash to the undressing boundaries (taking note) and how you just keep rolling right on. FLAWLESS. The best thing - it was for YOU! Exactly what you should be doing!
Kids are so smart, so intuitive and they just know things. I LOVE that she called him out, that's surely something he'll be thinking about.
I think the hug showed your character - you are a good person. You are doing the right thing. Compassion and understanding (with boundaries) are going to go much further than a cold shoulder IMO.
Roar! Lol I can be your she-ro haha. It was hard, I wanted to jump into bed and snuggle or see what was wrong, or just be the usual me, BUT I know the usual me is the me he wants to divorce so it helped when I thought of that. It did feel weird going to the bathroom to get dressed but at the same time I was like yeah. You wish you could see this! (My inner monologue voice in my head is a sassy biissssh so I am trying to be more like my inner voice.)
I was going to die when she said that. I really do not know what to say when me babies say that stuff. I was literally speechless and didn't want to say anything at all.
I think you are right, it was okay to be understanding and caring but as a friend and nothing more.
Red. That. Was. AWESOME. Seriously, perfect. So very proud of you!
Now, time to get back to work. This is yet another template for you to follow in your future interactions, what you are striving for. You had an infectious PMA. You were brief, but caring. You had clear boundaries (changing in the bathroom was perfect) with just enough to keep the engine revving (I feel so bad for him only getting to untie the bikini strap!). And you showed a good level of detachment - not throwing yourself at him, doing your own activities independent of him, and letting him manage his own issues. Be THIS every time.
And then the babies... My heart cried out for you when I read your kids' struggles. I remember my son (5 at the time) going through the same kind of thoughts: "Mommy, why do you not want to be in our family?" "Daddy, why are you and mommy not married?" "Daddy, I wish mommy were here with us." "When is mommy going to come home." Many times my son would be struggling and I would tell him "It is mommy's choice, buddy. But we are going to be ok no matter what." We also made our own thing where I would go "S6, Guess what!" "What?" "I love you!" Little things go a long way to support them.
My best advice is to go with what you said and keep giving them support. In front of your WAH, it might be best just to redirect. Sometimes you can redirect. Other times you can't. You'll have to use your best judgment here.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
That is good advice for the kids. I never know what to say, it is so hard.
Today I didn't do as good with boundaries. I think I took a huge step back. I am sick so I went to school, came home, took a nap when the kids were napping because I am soo tired but he came in the room when I was asleep snoring away.
He wanted to kiss on me and snuggle and I let him for alittle ( until I woke up more and was like go away and he didn't leave) then I was like fine I'm leaving now( his night to watch the kids.) and I left. He drives me nuts but I know i'm just as much to blame.
Now he has 24 hours alone with the kids, the longest I have EVER been gone from them both.
I am frustrated with myself. I FELT so good yesterday and now feel crappy like what is it called temp checking? Is that what he does? Make sure Im not too far away? Honestly not fair when I'm asleep on sick meds trying to sleep. Now I have 6 hours of idk what to do since Im out and about before my mom gets home and she forgot to give meback my house key to her house.
Yes, big feelings in little bodies, and it's our responsibility to take care of them.
Try not to measure the size of the step you might have taken back. Looks like that boundary is just not firmly in place. When you woke up more, you put it back in place. That is a success, even if not as large as yesterday. You will have ups and downs. Never stop.
He could be temp checking. Who knows? It doesn't matter. Has he made any statement saying he is coming back to the MR? Is he showing you actions towards repairing what is broken? Then it does not matter.
Your actions should still say the same. GAL, 180s, detaching, and keeping the road smooth. Maybe I should explain that a bit more. Keeping it smooth is about not doing things that would push the relationship away. However, it does not mean being a doormat either. Keep close, but not too close. Be neighborly, and don't throw your clothes on the floor for him. You want enough distance for him to feel the loss of you, and snuggling with him is not going to gain you that.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Thank you guys. I understand what you saying more now squiggy. Im def GAL tonight. He called me about 8 times since I have been called. I returned one call, it was about what show on netflix the kids like lol.
You guys give me the best advice. Thank you. I will do better the rest of the week!
I see you are doing so well under the circumstances. Some time ago I would feel kind of OK one moment and very low the next. I was an enormous roller coaster and I did not get why things were happening that way.
Today, I have those feelings, but they come more sporadic. I feel I have a little more control over my emotions. I also have more stuff going on in my life and they are not directly related to XH. It is one way, one road and it is building a life for ourselves that can make us feel better.
The YoYo of emotions, limbo, and all the pain that comes with it can take a toll on your, so be gentle to yourself and try to find joy on small things that comes across.
You are doing well, and in a much shorter time then I did. You are a smart woman and with your H or without him you will be OK.
Wrll I came home and he had taken down every picture of us ever from my room. It hurt. Im sitting on my bed crying. Im oulling it together before he shows back up with the kids though.
Sometimes we need to get ourselves into those big girls pants and tough up.
It hurts a lot, but more then that he is being very disrespectful. He may not want to share life with you anymore (and we will see about that), but you were and still are his wife, the mother of his children and for that alone he needs to respect you.
He left the house, so every single time he is there he needs to refer what he is doing to you. You don't need to yell on his face, neither say bitter words, but you need to make it clear that you want him to talk to you about anything he does that will affect or disturb your life.
You also see it very clear now why he wants to pay less child support and yet pay all your bills. I am sorry but you have a controlling H. He wants to have all the rights to tell you what you will do or don't.
He is being unfair, playing dirty games with your emotions, being extremely selfish and not saying a complete bastard for doing such things in such immature way.
Not saying that you will do it, but that's why many LBS serve their WAHs with the D papers... because things get a little out of hand and they think they can walk all over us any time they feel like it.
I am afraid that this is some crazy reaction he is having because you look confident, happy and is not really having a fit every time you see him. It's confusing him and he is probably determined to push your bottoms and have his justifications that "this is why I need to end our M, because you always blow on me this way, and blah, blah, blah".
Sweetie, you know your H better then us, you know what kind of talk you need to have to ask him to at least talk to you first and agree on anything he does around the house.
Now, don't despair about this. The WAS does insane things and try to justify to themselves that they are doing the right thing, taking the right decision.
Some do a lot worse and then later come with their tails between their legs and asking for forgiveness. You can be aware of what he is doing so you don't react in a negative way.
Be strong Red, you can do this. I actually took the pictures down myself. I refuse to have his pictures around to remind me of the SOAB.
Today he is doing this and you are crying, tomorrow you will be hanging pictures of all your accomplishments and maybe he will be the one crying. We all make mistakes and to regret them is even more painful.
Have your head tall, set your boundaries if you can. Little by little it will take shape and you will teach him how to respect you the way you deserve. It does not matter if he thinks it is right or wrong, it is not about him, it is only about you, your kids, your life.
He's like did you see I took all the pictures down? And wouldnt drop it until I busted out crying and then he was like why are you crying? I'm sorry..it was just a joke..I thought it would be funny.
Today [censored]. I mean like every photo off my dresser, off the walls, our wedding album..the whole room was bare empty and it was a lot. He said he was gonna do the whole house but thought was mean.
I dont know what to think. I dont know what to do. I just know he is gone and today sucked.
I told him firmly..NEXT TIME just tell me he would like them to be taken down and removed and I can do it myself.
He said I can hang them back up.
He brought up the divorce AGAIN and how he can onlyngive my x,y,z blah blah blah while Im upset and I'm like UNTIL I get a job and figure stuff out let it go Im not talking about it because we will not know.
He asked why we don't talk about us and etc and I snapped alittle. I said it makes no sense for me to go cry to him about my divorce when he is the one who wants the divorce.
Im emotionally drained from him today. I really am.
Thank you pink and squiggy. I feel just drained today. Very drained.
Breath Red... He did this to hurt you because he thinks that you are going out to hurt him.
He believes that you stop loving him long before, is that right?
Now he needs to get it back to you. Breath and let it go. Cry, scream, break a plate somewhere far from the kids. You need to let all those bad emotions out of your system.
Once you feel calmer, then think. Maybe you get all the pictures yourself and replace them with some of the kids.
Adding to my comments I wrote in my last post to you - He is very sarcastic and cruel. He wants to see if you are still there and if he has any impact on you. He made you burst into tears and then left. He got what he was looking for, that it all hurts you because you still cares about him.
It would be nice if it is not sick. Think about you Red. Let go on the stupid things he is doing. Pictures are just that pictures. I understand the symbolism on that but at the end of the day the pictures can be hanging on the wall forever and he is still gone forever.
So, what is important here?
Think Red, and let the elephants out of the room. Clean your head and think of what is really important. Don't get confused. Do not get all worked out and sign any paper for him. Read everything before signing it even if he says it is important and he needs it urgent.
Be careful, be aware... do not trust the alien that is living inside your H right now.
He was semi annoyed I went out and ignored his calls. He called about netflix 3x. 3 missed calls then I answered: whats this show on netflix the kids want to watch? Umm idk ok bye. A few more calls. Hello? Oh now you wanna answer well i dont need you know..okay? Okay bye. 2-3 missed calls later. I found the show on netflix. Im like ok? Thats it? He is like yes. He texted me to ask if I was home safe yet. Then this Today.
I feel like anytime he acts like he cares or misses me he HAS to find a way to show me he doesnt.
He called me a little ago to ask me a question but then he said hes sorry he made me cry even though he did it to himself. He didnt think it would make me cry. I said Im fine and ended the call.
I like the idea of putting up photos of the kids on my dresser and wall. I hate it looking so empty in here. I noticed he cleaned off my dresser and closet as well.
I don't know why he wants to hurt me to see if I care. It is just mean. Just really mean. He says he knows me inside and out so He knew it would hurt me. Plus he did it again where I say Nothing and let(try to) go and he pushes me asking non stop until I crack. I said I was fine probably 20 times before I snapped and cried.
That is true. I let something so small really crush me today. He can and might be gone forever so what does a picture matter. I'll leave them in my closet. I was half tempted to put them back up but I just dont want to anymore.
The only thing important is me and the kids right now.
I dont trust the alien. I wont sign or do anything pink. I really won't. Im not ruining my future and my kids.
The only thing important is me and the kids right now.
I dont trust the alien. I wont sign or do anything pink. I really won't. Im not ruining my future and my kids.
Use this statement and thought process to help free yourself and detach more. At the end of the day, on your deathbed, the only guarantee is that you will have yourself and you will be the mother of your children.
I'm swamped at work right now, but I'm sending out a bear hug. Remember: Strong and confident, detached and PMA. Put on your tinfoil hat and do not let the alien control you!
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Hey Red, I'm so sorry that your emotions are being toyed with that way. I think you just have to be tough - he's wanting to see your reaction and that you still care. He prides himself on that. I love the idea of hanging up more pictures of the kiddos, add some of you and the kiddos as well. Just let it roll off like water on a ducks back. He's being ugly about and you know that little thing called karma...it comes around! He'll reap what he sows, and watch you rise above. You got this mama!
Red, I think you are going for the long haul. It is absurd and confusing, but what he has in his mind may be all a bunch of anger on himself. Issues not confronted for a long time and now it all explodes inside of him.
Who would be the best one to blow up on? YOU. Yes, you are the easy target, you are there to listen to all his stupidities. So do not bother yourself as much. I know it hurts, but we all know it is hurting him more.
Deep inside he cares about you, but right now he needs to blame someone else for his turmoil and you are the one he can blame. So, he is angry at you when he knows he is angrier at himself.
Rearrange the closet, rearrange the room even. Make it yours. Do you have pink or girlish sheets? Put it there. Make it comfortable for you, the girl.
It is a message without words. Go around the house and get the kids pictures up. It won't offend him because they are his kids, but it will remind him that you accept his choice of leaving.
Believe me, it does not stop there. You will need a lot of strength to handle it all.
About the calls and texts I have a different opinion. I don't think it is productive to ignore him totally. As you are doing, he knows you are pissed and he knows what he needs to do to get to you.
Think about a 180 that he does not know. For example. If you get a text, don't just ignore it. Give sometime and then answer him with some fun. There is anything fun you guys had when you were at the start of your R. Bring it up in a very small scale.
Like a smiley face, or a tiny quote w/a little cat, bird, dog. Make it fun. Remind him how it was in a very discrete way.
If he calls, you may not answer him. Once you decide to answer, be prepare to not let him talk first. Start telling him about something silly like: Oh! H, you won't believe but our S was eating ice cream and asked for a 2nd one, I couldn't believe this kid can eat so much! HAhahaha!.
Or maybe something else that is fun. Don't go to "about us" subject. I mention the kids because it is for both of you to have fun. It is also a reminder of the family you built together.
No straight words, just a general thing, talk, to make things less heavy. To remind him that life can be fun as a family.
And, he may start thinking about what he is missing.
It won't be resolved in a day or two sweetie. But it is a process. If you are crunching in a corner, it does not matter how much GAL you want to show him, because he is reading you, and your actions are showing it all different.
You do not need to prove you don't care, because he knows you do. Show him you can be fun, spontaneous, charismatic, a wonderful mom. And expect him flipping even more. Be prepare for when he wants to bite your head off.
Do yourself a favor and get yourself out of the anger. You will look better if you are not angry.
Pink
Last edited by Cadet; 02/10/1601:15 PM. Reason: start a new thread message
Go out get new pictures done, printed of you and the kids, of kids and pets and of YOU. Even an amateur friend, have a girlie giggle night and go to it, pictures of each other. Smiling laughing, blowing kisses at the camera.
I have just booked a glamour modelling session with pictures and they are going to be full size.
You betcha if you did that it will get his notice!
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
