Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
Rednail #2650104 02/04/16 04:33 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
Hello Rednail,

You are so smart to recognize that he is sending you mixed signals. Right now he is totally cake eating. How do you get him to stop? He needs to miss what he can't have.

It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Cristy #2650115 02/04/16 05:41 PM
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 516
R
Rednail Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 516
He does send mixed signals.


Me:24 H:26
T:7yrs M:4yrs
S:4 D:5
ILYBNILWY 12/5
PA Confirmed 2/19


Rednail #2650126 02/04/16 06:06 PM
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 516
R
Rednail Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 516
Im sulking. All the plans got cancelled and all my friends ditched me. I'm sitting at my moms alone feeling sorry for myself. I am jealous my WAH has so many friends and goes and does so much. I know I shouldnt be but I'm trying to GAL but its hard when EVERYONE DITCHES ME


Me:24 H:26
T:7yrs M:4yrs
S:4 D:5
ILYBNILWY 12/5
PA Confirmed 2/19


Rednail #2650136 02/04/16 06:39 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
Rednail,

Don't despair...just think it all have a reason to be. I sometimes did everything that was possible so I would go out with my friends and then felt like the worse crap that exists on earth. Would be much better to just stop myself and breath for a little bit.

If you want to do something and your friends ditch you, then go to a mall and pick a blouse, T-shirt, a pair of shoes. It does not need to be expensive, just something to you, a treat.

Or maybe there is a movie you can't see with the kids, so use that time to catch that movie. Maybe your mom wants to do these things too.

I use to go for long walks... I could cry, talk to myself, think about things and was exercising. There is a place near my house that we can go there for free meditation a few days during the week. Do you have anything like that.

I know you are much, much younger then me and have a lot more energy, but sometimes its good to get in touch with our soul.

I am so sorry you have to deal with all this c**p, my XH did the same thing, I was a mess and felt very confused as you are feeling now. I did many, many mistakes thinking that he would just turn around and we would be back together.

It did not happen and last thanksgiving I was in my room, half sleep already and he came to check on me. Yeah, really. We were already divorced for three months. He then started saying that his back was killing him. Of course, I put him on the cough.

So I told him if he wanted he could lie down on a bed, that we were adults and I needed to sleep. As soon as he was in my bed he came running to hug me.

I looked at him and for the first time I said I did not want to be with him, did not want hugs and kisses and much less any sex with him. I told him that my pain would stop there.

I felt really good, and the truth is that things have been changing since then. A little while after that I set up some boundaries and he can't come in a house without invitation.

I get text msgs every day. He insisted in a meeting were he asked for forgiveness and told me how wrong he was and how many mistakes he did.

It's was only when I put a stop on the insanity that he started showing a little bit of a change. He needs to work hard on himself, I have a lot of work and learning to do on myself yet. I don't know if he will ever come back (we are D) but maybe, just maybe, things can turn around.

So remember that it is not a sprint, this is a marathon. I also understand it is easy for me to say all this today. Believe me honey, I was in your shoes, and even worse ground, so I know it hurt. But keep the good work.

And squiggy, love your input, your advices. It's a hat I can wear. Our girl club thanks you for the male perspective. It helps a lot. After all, we are from Venus.

Love,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Pink17 #2650143 02/04/16 07:13 PM
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 516
R
Rednail Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 516
Pink,

I wanted to but sat around waiting for my friends so long that everything closed where I live. The mall and everything is cllsed now except resturaunts, movies, etc and everyone works tomorrow now and says its too late.

I just dont know how to handle him. Its so hard when I WANT HIS LOVE. I miss him snuggling, I want all of him and telling him no [censored]. But I know I need too.

It must be hard with your XH. I honestly feel that will be my WAH he will wanna do the same and it worries me. How did you put a stop to it? I struggle.

I hope tomorrow is better. I should only see him for an hour or two max and then not again until monday. I have to tell myself to make it threw tomorrow.

If he asks what I did I'm a horrible liar so I hope he doesnt ask. I dont want to have to tell him I sat at home by my self because everyone ditched me especially when I packed my nice heels and nice going out outfit.

I think I'm over worrying.

Rednail


Me:24 H:26
T:7yrs M:4yrs
S:4 D:5
ILYBNILWY 12/5
PA Confirmed 2/19


Rednail #2650156 02/04/16 08:41 PM
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 516
R
Rednail Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 516
I took a bath. I laid down. I read a few chapters of my book. I feel better. Sorta


Me:24 H:26
T:7yrs M:4yrs
S:4 D:5
ILYBNILWY 12/5
PA Confirmed 2/19


Rednail #2650170 02/04/16 10:18 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
You give in and you don't see your H coming back...

You give in and you don't see your H coming back...

You give in and you don't see your H coming back. ..

You are not seeing wrong, that's what happens when you don't put yourself first. It's a repetition of pain. You feel the need of him, but you keep losing yourself in the process.

I did this. And I cried hard many times. I felt like garbage. I felt he rejected me over, and over and over for each time I had some crumbs of his love.

You may need to walk this path as I did and then learn to respect yourself as I did. Sometimes the only voice we hear is the pain we feel.

Until one day that the pain of saying no more is so much smaller then a few moments of "snuggle" that you will stand up for yourself, with your head tall and say that you want him, but you don't need him.

That will be "YOUR" choice, that will be when you look in the mirror and see a woman you can be proud to see.

I am not ashamed to say I fail myself many times, I learned a huge lesson that will be with me forever. I was in a dark well, but I gather my energy and crawled back out. I am myself now and I have my pride. There is no Snuggle that can replace that.

Think about you. Think of what you want to accomplish, think of who you want to see in the mirror.

You know deep inside that you want him back and you know what you need to do for that to happen.

It's hard work sweetie, it will take a ton of tears from you. My first two days in therapy I throw up, the pain in my body was brutal, I lost a lot of weight, I couldn't sleep, I needed anti-depressants. I was a mess.

I got better only when I decided that it would be less pain if I said ENOUGH.

I am not all better, neither all done. It still hurts that my XH did so much. Made me feel so miserable. It's a long road to recovery. I am just proud I could break that insane cicle of pain.

I can only tell you all this, the decision in your life is yours, only yours.

Lots of hugs to you. It is indeed very painful. Be nice to yourself.

Love to you and your kiddos,
Pink and


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Pink17 #2650240 02/05/16 08:20 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
Pink, much appreciated and always great advice from you! I've followed your sitch for a long time. If you ever need a bruiser... smile

Red, learn the art of omission. You don't have to tell everything. Unless it comes to the well-being of your children, you don't have to tell him a single thing. He does not rule your life. You do. Besides, is he earning such an esteemed place in your life that you would need to report to him? You could simply reply that you chose to stay in and relax. It's true because you still could have gone out alone, and you chose to stay in. No real lie (for the benefit of your conscience) without revealing things he doesn't need to know.

And this leads back to detaching. Your WAH has such a strong hold on you, and I can understand it from you being only a couple months into this. You have a hidden blessing in that he is around you frequently. It gives you opportunities many do not get to display the changes within them. However, you need to take back control. This is another reason why it is so important to GAL and create a life of your own without him. Bring some joy back into your life that is independent of him and your's alone.


M: 8.5 T:10
Me:37 W:34 S:6

Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15
Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Pink17 #2650245 02/05/16 08:33 AM
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 516
R
Rednail Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 516
Pink

I think I finally broke today. I think today he finally broke me to where I can't DO THIS ANYMORE. I feel like crap. I feel rejected. I feel awful. Having him pack up his work tools, some bigger items, some more clothes. I think it HIT me that OH S***. Like before I know he said it was over and we are getting the D but 80% of his stuff was here so maybe my brain was in more denial then I thought.

I ruined my DB today and asked him if he was talking it all with him. He was like yes..obviously i'm putting it in my car. I was like oh just wondering. He did something and I asked if he was taking it too and he was like i'm not taking everything that I touch with me.I was trying not to cry on the inside and I didn't say anything else after that but kinda avoided him. He said I was acting weird. I was trying not to break down.

When he left he gave me a good hug, looked into my eyes and wouldn't say anything but just stared at me, It made me so sad. I just took it just really gave him a nice long hug as a goodbye, last time I want to hug you because it hurts me too do this anymore.

I feel like I needed it today and I smiled and said bye. THEN I broke down bad. I'm home alone crying because it keeps getting more and more real that he is serious and it's over.

I think it will be less pain if I say enough now. I didn't think I could be this hurt by him just taking things.

I am also on my "time of month" so It makes me SUPER EMOTIONAL. I cry watching cartoons. I cry listening to the radio so idk if it's that or if I'm just this weak or what. I don't know.

I have 4 days to get it together. 4 days until I see him again. I am spending the next 4 days working on me and going MIA unless it's about the kids I think I have to go into a bubble and get my s*** together or else I'm going to break down every time I see him.

I'm disappointment in myself.


Me:24 H:26
T:7yrs M:4yrs
S:4 D:5
ILYBNILWY 12/5
PA Confirmed 2/19


Rednail #2650249 02/05/16 08:53 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
How did you mess up? You were making sure you protected the things that are to stay. You kept your distance emotionally and put on a PMA. You accepted a hug, because you CHOSE to accept it. You broke down on your own time, not in front of him. Call me crazy, or if I'm reading it wrong, but that sounds like a success to me.

Yes, you were in denial. Nothing prepares you for it, and your reaction is pretty normal. And even after it happens, you go on to say:
Quote:
I have 4 days to get it together. 4 days until I see him again. I am spending the next 4 days working on me and going MIA unless it's about the kids I think I have to go into a bubble and get my s*** together
Yep. Focus on that.


M: 8.5 T:10
Me:37 W:34 S:6

Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15
Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard