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M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Originally Posted By: NYGal
I'll drive by your H's OW's house if you drive by my W's OW's house. Can we clarify this deal, please?

Then we'll meet in the middle somewhere and GAL while we compare notes.


This last sentence I like. We can compare notes on our prospective GAL activities. But, the deal that you so clearly made is that NEITHER OF US WILL DRIVE BY YOUR W'S OW'S HOUSE. smile And, I for one, fully intend to hold up my end of the deal!


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Hey MB...saw your hilarity over at NYGals. Your sense of humor rocks. smile

How are things going?


Rain (moi): 40
Ex Fiance: 39
3 kids
On/off again EA & PA
Last BD by ow 12/15
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NYGal..i know you're reading and want to send you hugs. Please don't feel picked on. They're all trying to help you. I know it's hard and I know you hate it. We all do. But chin up okay? You did great this weekend with NC. Be proud of that.


Rain (moi): 40
Ex Fiance: 39
3 kids
On/off again EA & PA
Last BD by ow 12/15
Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
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I don't really think that Wonka thinks I'm funny. I've joked with her a few times, but I don't think she appreciates it. : /


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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NYGal.....you know we love you. I. Hope you never think I'm picking on you. I joke around with you to try to take your mind off of things sometimes, but I really do care about you and would never want to hurt you. I know that your mind starts running away with you and you feel powerless to stop it, then want to act on the fear. I do the EXACT same thing! That's why I went to H's house the last time. I went to IC and listened to him tell me how H doesn't love me, we will never work out, etc. and I got so panicked that I broke NC and went straight over there because I was scared that he would suddenly forget that he DOES love me. That was a HUGE mistake and I wish I had just calmed down and not trusted my judgement during that panic and fear. Sigh...... Woulda, coulda, shoulda.... Guess I can't change my act of stupidity, but I do try to help you so you don't follow in my footsteps. Oftentimes I later find I'm walking the wrong way on a one way street!

And completely unrelated.....I'm wondering if Judy is okay. She hasn't been on in a few days. I hope she's doing okay.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Originally Posted By: - MB -
I don't really think that Wonka thinks I'm funny. I've joked with her a few times, but I don't think she appreciates it. : /


Wonka is busy IRL so here she seems to be very no nonsense and serious on NYGals thread because she wants NYGal to take it seriously, thats all.

As you can see from when she popped over on my last thread she has a similar sense of humor.

But shes like a super hero...when shes in saving a R mode humor is off the table. Until the cape comes off. So I wouldn't be offended.

Plus I think you're HILARIOUS! So you've got that going for ya. wink


Rain (moi): 40
Ex Fiance: 39
3 kids
On/off again EA & PA
Last BD by ow 12/15
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Well, I can honestly say that my sense of humor/sarcasm has gotten me into trouble more than once! Oh well, not really something I can (or care to ) change at the moment. So, guess everyone that reads my posts is just stuck with it.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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I am very sarcastic. I enjoy stupid humor and sarcastic humor so you will have a willing audience with me.


Rain (moi): 40
Ex Fiance: 39
3 kids
On/off again EA & PA
Last BD by ow 12/15
Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
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Good morning Rain! What are your plans for today? Anything exciting?

I have to take my kiddo to a doctor that 's out of town.. It's an all day event when we have to go. Sure wish I had gotten some sleep last night! It's a long drive anyway, but it's miserable when I'm tired. UGH!


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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I can just imagine. Can your son? Daughter? Help you with the drive? Either way I hope it's nothing serious.

And good morning to you Ms. MB. smile

Boring day planned over here. More laundry, deep cleaning and organizing too.


Rain (moi): 40
Ex Fiance: 39
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I wish wanting to do something counted as GAL. I so want to do karaoke. LOL

Btw you were right. He text me at almost 2 am asking if I was awake and telling me he was home safe. And again with the Fing video calls at 7am. I woke up a little after.


Rain (moi): 40
Ex Fiance: 39
3 kids
On/off again EA & PA
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HOLY COW! That'd keep me awake for sure!!! When there's 5 lanes of traffic, I'm not sure I would EVER be brave enough to turn my car over to one of my kiddos while I shut my eyes. LOL. I'd probably have a stroke right there! You should have seen me doing the parent taught driver's Ed with her. OMG! I nearly ripped the console right out of the center of my car along with the passenger side arm rest. I was white knuckling it the entire time the car was moving. Pretty sure she aged me about 15 years!


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
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4 '15 R &still working on it
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Alrighty then! LOL so mama bear does the driving. Got it. smile


Rain (moi): 40
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I hope it all goes well for you today, MB. smile


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
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How did it go MB?


Rain (moi): 40
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The appointment went fine. It was just a checkup. She goes to see this doctor every 3 months and has for many years. Didn't get home tonight until 8PM! I was so tired of sitting in that car. I even paid to get on a toll road so I could get home faster but that didn't work out. About 1/4 mile before the exit, there was an accident and the whole road was shut down. UGH! I sat there in my car for what felt like forever. I shouldn't complain though, I made it home. I didn't see the person (or people) that was in the car, but I'm not totally convinced that they will ever make it home. After the appointment, my D decided to stay with her sister who lives in that City. So, I got to drive home all by myself. I discovered that I am NOT good company. LOL.

Anyway, home safe and sound. You guys were on the quiet side tonight. STOP IT ALREADY! I expected to come home and have lots to read.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
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4 '15 R &still working on it
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The appointment went fine. It was just a checkup. She goes to see this doctor every 3 months and has for many years. Didn't get home tonight until 8PM! I was so tired of sitting in that car. I even paid to get on a toll road so I could get home faster but that didn't work out. About 1/4 mile before the exit, there was an accident and the whole road was shut down. UGH! I sat there in my car for what felt like forever. I shouldn't complain though, I made it home. I didn't see the person (or people) that was in the car, but I'm not totally convinced that they will ever make it home. After the appointment, my D decided to stay with her sister who lives in that City. So, I got to drive home all by myself. I discovered that I am NOT good company. LOL.

Anyway, home safe and sound. You guys were on the quiet side tonight. STOP IT ALREADY! I expected to come home and have lots to read.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Ask and you shall receive. There's tons to read on mine now. smile

Glad it went well but so sad about the accident.


Rain (moi): 40
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And NYGal...come back to us!

(((NYG)))


Rain (moi): 40
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Originally Posted By: Rain75
Ask and you shall receive. There's tons to read on mine now. smile


Awwwww Rain, that's so sweet that you would do all of that just for me! You really are a true friend. LOL


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
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Originally Posted By: - MB -
Originally Posted By: Rain75
Ask and you shall receive. There's tons to read on mine now. smile


Awwwww Rain, that's so sweet that you would do all of that just for me! You really are a true friend. LOL


Aren't I just.....what it is MB, is that I am a giver. smile


Rain (moi): 40
Ex Fiance: 39
3 kids
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Last BD by ow 12/15
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You ladies are hilarious. wink


Me: 43, Him: 40
Married: 21 years

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Originally Posted By: Rain75
Aren't I just.....what it is MB, is that I am a giver. smile


...............of ATTITUDE? LOL

Sorry, just couldn't resist!


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Thanks Anna! Want my H's #? Maybe you could call and tell him! smile


M:45 H:48
M:11
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BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
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Originally Posted By: annab74
You ladies are hilarious. wink


Thanks. We've been working on our routine since day one. LOL


Rain (moi): 40
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But that "attitude" bit was improv. wink

And MB....according to XF, before the last few days all I gave was attitude. LOL


Rain (moi): 40
Ex Fiance: 39
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Originally Posted By: Rain75
And MB....according to XF, before the last few days all I gave was attitude. LOL


See, you're learning new skills on here AND using them to confuse the heck out of him. Great 180! He must be wondering WTF his rain went. LOL. Keep him guessing. He might actually fear that you've moved on and could inspire change in him. Don't hold your breath though. He seems like a veeeeeeery stubborn and slow learner.


M:45 H:48
M:11
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BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
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if he found out.

My attitude may be changing a bit now. I mean, he's having a freaking A and certainly didn't stop to think about my opinion or feelings on the matter! So, why am I so scared to get FB? Would it push him farther away? CAN you be farther away than gone? And NC?

So, now that I'm thinking about getting one, I would love to hear anyone's thoughts on the matter. I am a GREAT mind reader, so I'm pretty sure what everyone will say, but I'm going to put myself out there and ask anyway as I am always afraid that I'm going to to something to hurt my chances of R with H even though he seems to not want anything to do with me.


M:45 H:48
M:11
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BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
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12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
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4 '15 R &still working on it
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Not sure how the first part of my post got cut off. That's weird! It went something like this....

I do not have FB. The reason that I don't have it is because H hated FB and never wanted me on it. He always said that it was because FB is only for chatting and meeting people so you can have cheat on your spouse. Whatever! Seems a bit like the pot and kettle thing!!! Anyway, he always accused me of having one, but I really never did. Currently, I'm thinking about setting one up. My only problem with this is that I'm afraid if I set one up, it will further push H away from me and will hurt my chances of a R with him if he found out.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Fb to me is a double edged sword. On one hand it is awesome to keep I touch with people you can't always see and little things like pictures of friends and their kids etc.
on the other hand W gave me a large hatred of fb. Not because A started in it but it was a tool. And she posted meme's and things that angered and hurt me. I fixed that by deleting her.

So here is my take. If you want to go onto FB because YOU want to do it! It's your life. Don't live in fear of what H thinks or says. Also I'm sure there would be lots of friends here that would be happy to connect with you.
However if it is something you are doing because of H or to get a reaction from him then that isn't the right reason. I learned that here, doing things to get a reaction aren't about you and DB.

Just want to say you ladies always give me a smile when I pop over to visit.


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Originally Posted By: Tyler12
So here is my take. If you want to go onto FB because YOU want to do it! It's your life. Don't live in fear of what H thinks or says.

However if it is something you are doing because of H or to get a reaction from him then that isn't the right reason.

It would definitely be for ME. If it were not for H, I would have had FB years ago. I didn't get it BECAUSE of him. It made him uncomfortable because of his insecurities, so I didin't get on it to avoid the fight with him about it. Didn't work because even though I never had one, he didn't believe me and accused me of it anyway.

Most of my family lives so far away that I never get to see them. I'm jealous that my parents/siblings get to stay in contact with them while I feel cut off. I also miss some old friends from HS (GIRLS) that I think could offer me some support right now. I just feel lonely and want to be able to communicate with my family and friends that I am otherwise cut off from.

I just feel like I'm stuck here still trying to do what he wants and letting him control me even though he wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! How messed up is that? He certainly trained me well before discarding me didn't he?

At the same time, I've done without FB for this long. So, if it's going to damage my future chances with H, I can live without it.

Originally Posted By: Tyler12
Just want to say you ladies always give me a smile when I pop over to visit.

Awwwwww, that's so sweet! smile


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
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12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
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MB. See what others say first maybe, I'm in the do it camp tho. Why not get back in touch with old friends. Get closer with family.
I don't talk a lot to friends on fb, i do however love seeing pictures of people, where they are, how their family is.
A perfect example for me is tonight a friend who I have see in years is having another son with his wife and he put up a reaction of his other boys being told what baby is going to be. It was great.

So I say do it.


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You can set up an account with a different name if you want. You can deactivate it anytime you want. And you can then see the divorce busting posts and join our little chat! There are all sorts of privacy settings. I never post anything or get notifications because I don't want to see what friends are doing without me!
It is a good way to stay in touch with long lost friends or stay closer to family.
If you do it, I will love to see you there. Lots of us are on there.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
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I'm trying to find the FB profile of DB but I can't. Could someone tell me what to type on the search box as I tried divorce busting and MWD but it's not working

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Me too.

I can't find the FB pages either nor the Blogs by MWD.

V


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V 64, WAW


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MB if you do then I will be forced to as well. We are apparently the only people in the world without one. My dilemma has always been twofold.

One, I don't want to get cyber stalked by ow and his family (NYGals advice to use a different name and the other idea of using my alias on here help with this one).

The other is that I made the biggest friggin scene when XF got FB behind my back to stalk ow during A and that he refuses to get rid of it now. That'll be lovely if he somehow finds out.

I wouldn't even know how to find anyone if everyone else is having an issue finding certain FBs.

But let me know if you get one.


Rain (moi): 40
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If your worried about certain people looking you up rain you can set up your account to block those people from seeing your account and what you have on your page. Also if you don't want to go that far you can filter your posts so certain people can not see certain posts. I learned this from W who would post things myself and her family could not see.


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Originally Posted By: Tyler12
If your worried about certain people looking you up rain you can set up your account to block those people from seeing your account and what you have on your page. Also if you don't want to go that far you can filter your posts so certain people can not see certain posts. I learned this from W who would post things myself and her family could not see.


Thanks.....my XSIL told me to set up a new email otherwise XF and his family will get notifications that apparently will blow my cover. LOL

She said it periodically sends emails saying hey do you know?...and then lists people you have email addresses for and thier FBs even if it's a different name.

So glad she told me that!

Seems as if your W showed you a few FB tricks too huh? Thanks for the tips.


Rain (moi): 40
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Originally Posted By: Rouky
I'm trying to find the FB profile of DB but I can't. Could someone tell me what to type on the search box as I tried divorce busting and MWD but it's not working


I just type in Divorce Busting. Maybe type Boulder too since that's where MWD is.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
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MB, how is your weekend going?


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
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Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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Meh....nothing going on. I guess I feel myself slipping back into the darkness. Not liking it much, but don't really care enough to stop it I guess. Haven't been getting out at all. Just sitting here thinking about things and getting really frustrated and defeated. Haven't even been exercising or sticking to my "diet." So, on top of everything else, I get to feel like a failure because I've gained 5 lbs. Just so tired of this constant and never ending stress.

My youngest has been staying with her sister since her Dr appointment on Thursday. At some point today I will have to go meet them somewhere so I can get her back. My oldest texted me today to ask when we were going to meet. I told her I didn't know. She then asked "Did you just dump **** on me to keep?" LOL, how sad is that? I haven't even talked to either of them since Thursday. I know they probably think I don't care, but I just really don't have the energy for anything anymore. I REALLY need to pull myself together!!!!!

I sit here and read everyone's threads and how they saw their SO here or there, or had this interaction or that interaction, and it just makes me so sad because all I have is NC. That's it. I don't get to see H, or hear his voice, no text, nothing. It's like I don't even exist to him at all anymore. And, other than a handful of interactions that I forced on him, we have basically been NC for about 4 1/2 months.

Oh dear God...now I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. I havne't cried in the last 2 weeks. Just haven't allowed myself to go there. Just really having a hard time I guess. So painful. Tired of doing this.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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It's ok to feel sadness MB. You have to let it out or it builds up and comes out when you don't want it to.

I haven't gone as long as you with NC and I am sure it is not easy at all. There are times when I try to tell myself maybe it would be easier with NC, deep down I know it wouldn't be.

You have been over to my thread and have probably seen I get down when I feel stuck at home or not up to doing anything. It's tough to want to do anything when your down, you just have to pull yourself up sometimes tho.

Can you get outside for a bit? Find a friend to visit? Clean up something? Anything to change your thought process. Put on some music and dance around like no one is watching!

You reminded me yesterday about the ups and downs. Remember we are here to help. Be good MB. I'm praying for you and hope I can return one of the smiles you give to me.


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Thinking of you, MB.
((((MB)))


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
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I'm sorry MB. You sound so sad. I wish there was something I could do for you beyond sending cyber hugs.

You're always cheering all of us on...you are not a failure! You are sarcastically funny (which we've agreed is the best kind of funny) you're giving and supportive to all of us here and we all appreciate you.

Did you ever follow any of the links when you were looking for similar stories with NC?

I hope your day turns around. Honestly...because you deserve to be happy MB. Your H is super confused, as most of them are. And your interactions with him may have been your doing but his reactions were NOT negative.

Okay they weren't positive enough to end the A (yet) but he could have cursed you out and taken a restraining order out on you. Or he could have moved and put D papers in or thrown your belongings onto the curb. My point MB, is that it actually could be worse.

I mean the man told you that you hypnotize him!!! He loves you. smile

We should find links to threads that can give you hope and inspiration. ((((((MB))))))

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Hi MB,

Weekends can be the worst. There's nothing going on here either and I'm just watching movies and trying not to obsess about my sitch.

I need to reel it back in and stay in the now. I keep thinking about the future and trying to predict how it will be. Will I be lonely? Back with waw? Living on my own?

It's so easy for my mind to just run obsessively.

I'm sorry you're hurting today. Make it through today.

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Weekends are the worst.
MB, I honestly believe your H is going to wake up and drop that tramp one of these days. Seriously. Be patient.
Thornton, your situation is so new. Of course it hurts like nothing else. I've been completely 100% obsessed since November 4th. Can't think of anything else but getting W back.

And meanwhile, we just keep watching movies and reading and feeling lonely and sometimes feeling a little better and often not so much. Sometimes GALing and sometimes hibernating. We just keep breathing in and out, in and out...


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
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Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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MB...are you less sad? I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

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MB, I hope you're okay.


Rain (moi): 40
Ex Fiance: 39
3 kids
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MB I think we need another GAL night.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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Originally Posted By: NYGal
MB, how is your weekend going?


Well, that'll teach you to ask me how my weekend is going! smile


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Originally Posted By: Tyler12
You reminded me yesterday about the ups and downs. Remember we are here to help. Be good MB. I'm praying for you and hope I can return one of the smiles you give to me.


Thank you Tyler! I appreciate your kind words. Yes, I do remember telling you that yesterday. And, I meant it. Sometimes I just get sucked back in to those feelings and it's hard to climb back out. I will get there though.

And, be careful about wishing for NC. It is so much harder than you think it would be! I would LOVE for my H to want to contact me. It just never happens. Very sad and depressing.

Anyway, thanks for reaching out to me. I really appreciate it. I hope you had a great night.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Hi Rain. I'm okay. Was just having an emotional and crappy day. My mood changed from crying, lonely, and incredibly sad to very angry about two hours after I posted all of that on here. Then, I went back and forth between crying and hugely ticked off. I don't know what set all of that into motion, but it was not pleasant. I do appreciate everyone's kind words though.

Originally Posted By: Rain75
And your interactions with him may have been your doing but his reactions were NOT negative.

He didn't want me to be there and admitted that he wanted me to leave. That's pretty negative. frown

Originally Posted By: Rain75
Or he could have moved and put D papers in.

He told my oldest kiddo that he IS planning to move "in a couple of months." He said that around the end of January. Wonder where he's going to move. Down to where the ow lives? Somewhere around here? It makes me sick just thinking about it.

Originally Posted By: Rain75
I mean the man told you that you hypnotize him!!! He loves you.

Well, clearly just by looking at that statement you can tell how confused he is!!!


You asked if I read the links to other's stories where they were NC. I have read so many that I don't remember any of them specifically, but yes, I did read them. I've also spent hours on the MLC, infidelity, and WAS threads reading until my eyes won't focus anymore. It's all just so depressing. Just so many sad stories out there.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Originally Posted By: Thornton

It's so easy for my mind to just run obsessively.

I'm sorry you're hurting today. Make it through today.


Thornton, thanks for commenting on my thread. I know exactly what you mean about your mind to run obsessively. Mine does the same thing and then, I end up doing something stupid like convincing myself that I should go see H. UGH! When I get like that it's like I just can't stop myself. Like watching a train that's getting ready to wreck, but you're powerless to stop it.

Yesterday was a long day, but I did make it through. Thanks again for taking the time to post to me. I really appreciate it. I hope you're having a great day.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Originally Posted By: NYGal

MB, I honestly believe your H is going to wake up and drop that tramp one of these days. Seriously. Be patient.


I think I will frame this and hang it on my wall! If I read it enough, maybe I can make myself believe it. I really did think this before, but those thoughts have been replaced by much darker thoughts of me being alone for the rest of my life and H moving on with ow. I just want my life back!!!!! Or, at the very least, I just want to feel better.

How are you NYGal?


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Originally Posted By: Rain75
MB, I hope you're okay.


I am okay. Didn't mean to make anyone worry. I just couldn't sit here and read any more yesterday. It was all just too depressing and I just couldn't take it. Everytime I tried to read something or post something, I would start crying. So, I just turned it off and went out for a while. Then, my daughter came into town and I sat and visited and played cards with her. Nothing exciting, but it did help take my mind off of things for just a little while.

Hopefully everyone had a good night. I'm going to try to get some sleep. Supposed to work tonight but who knows, they might end up calling me off.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Originally Posted By: NYGal
MB I think we need another GAL night.


Hey, I'm ready! What are we going to do this time?????


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
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Of course we worry. But it's good that you got to hang out with your daughter. Now go rest up.


Rain (moi): 40
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Originally Posted By: - MB -
Originally Posted By: NYGal
MB I think we need another GAL night.


Hey, I'm ready! What are we going to do this time?????


We can recreate "Hangover", but then who would get the Mike Tyson face tattoo? LOL


Rain (moi): 40
Ex Fiance: 39
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MB I know exactly what you mean about wanting your life back! The before when I was so happy and naive and trusting, and the Now are so different.
SMSCOCSSMC
And that stands for smile M, soon. Caring or concern still seem miles closer.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
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MB, I find myself nodding when I read your posts. I agree it can be overwhelming to see all the lost marriages. If you read my opening post on my new thread it speaks to that a little.

It's good to validate those feelings, but for me it helps to do something small. You can't control the loss, or the feelings that come. But do something small to get started working in the areas that you can control. If working out or dieting is too much, what about walking up and down one flight of stairs? Sometimes the first steps are the hardest, and if we take a tiny baby step good things start happening.

More to the point than working out is this- keep taking DB steps. I've been trying to find an opportunity to post on your thread ever since you asked me to a few weeks ago, but I haven't seen a place I can jump in. I like to talk, so to me that tells me you aren't digging very deep right now or challenging yourself enough. DB forums can be great for support while you grieve, but Michelle's books didn't say "curl into a ball and find a bunch of people that empathize with your pain". She talked about goal setting, 180s, GAL, and finding new ways to change the dynamic in your R. What are your goals? What are your 180s? What were your contributions to the breakdown of the M? What would you have done differently? Why weren't you able to do this before? What have you learned or how have you grown to be able to do better? In what ways do you demonstrate this in your current life?

Marriages fail because people act selfishly, lazily, and with feelings of resentment. Sometimes you have to work hard even when you don't feel like it. If you can't do it now, what makes you think you'd do better in a marriage?

I teach employees that you are always interviewing, that you should dress for the job you want not the job you have, try to do more than your job duties but instead take on as much as possible for your boss, etc. Well, the same way MB, I'd like you to start acting as if you were in piecing, and what you do today is important in the outcome of your M. You might think it's different in piecing because at least you have your partner, but if you've read any of it you know piecing is harder, because you DON'T really have your partner, you are afraid they might walk at any time, you aren't getting your needs met, you have a ton of resentment and pain that you are afraid of expressing the wrong way because it will lead back to D, and you are walking on eggshells and biting your tongue a lot. It's not easy.

Bottom line, what you do today makes a difference. If you sit back for three to six months it may feel like it doesn't matter if there is NC...but when OW is gone and he checks in on you, you will either be the person he left, or a great woman that has transcended the person he left in a way he didn't believe. This is what I'd like to see from you. No, he may not check back in on you. But you want to be that person anyway, right?


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Great post Zues. We all need to remember that. This time alone is a luxury (I gag a little as I write that) we can use to work on ourselves. Even if now our motivation is to R, it still works the same.
At the same time we have to forgive ourselves when the anxiety overtakes us. It just happens and it's not really under our control.
Let's all vow to exercise for an hour today. They say it helps.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
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Miss you MB


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
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Originally Posted By: NYGal
Miss you MB


Me too


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Zeus, for the most part I do agree with what you have to say when I read your posts. You seem to have done a lot of work on yourself and for understanding how people think and what they do. You think things through and try to help others by giving them advice. A bit long winded sometimes, but then again that's not a bad thing! That's why I asked for your thoughts on my thread.

It seems somehow that you have gotten the impression that I am just sitting here a crying blubbering blob that doesn't try to do anything to better myself of change at all. That is certainly not the case! I have felt down for the last few days and I do cycle between my moods/emotions, but that's to be expected.

As for my goals.... 1) I want to save my marriage. Guess that goes without saying. smile. 2) Loose weight--have been walking 3-5miles several times a week. I've lost 40lbs so far. I would also like to workout other than just walking (i.e. Go to the gym where I pay membership dues but never show up to participate in any classes). 3) Spend more time with my kids before they all move out of the house and are out on their own. 4) Rebuild relationships with my family and friends that I allowed myself to neglect because I allowed myself to be controlled and isolated. 5) Work on my marriage -- attempted this by going to counseling for 4 over months and talking to counselor. Finally gave up on this because I realized that I can't fix him and I can't make him want to come back to our marriage if he doesn't want to. This realization led me to... 6) Work on myself! I finally told the counselor that I didn't want to talk about my H anymore and I wanted to focus on ME and fix my self esteem issues. I go to IC once a week. 7) Become as attractive as possible (not sure if this belongs in the goals or 180 section). I wear makeup every day, fix my hair, bought new clothes, and I have lost and continuing to loose weight. I guess those are all of my active goals. I've also wanted to get back in to church, but have made no effort to physically go there yet. I have, however, been praying on a daily basis. Most days I pray many times just in case he didn't hear me. smile

My GAL activities have been almost nonexistent for the last week and a half, but that hasn't always been the case. I have spent a lot more time with my parents, my siblings and friends. I go spend time with friends playing cards, going out to eat, hanging out shopping in town. I have been to a couple of bars with my mother and her friend (she's my age). I even sang Karaoke twice! I've been out dancing twice with friends. I've gone to play bingo (didn't realize how expensive that is!). I go for walks. I have been to a few arts and crafts shows. I went to a couple of Christmas festivals. But, I guess for the most part I walk a lot and spend time with friends and family. Now, that may not sound like much, but for me that is huge because I'm normally a homebody!

As for 180's, probably not much in this department. It's a bit hard to do 180's when you are in almost constant NC with spouse. I guess that is my first 180. I no longer go over there and visit him all the time. He wants NC, so I try hard to stay away. I don't call, text, or go over there. However, on the rare times when I am around him, I try to validate as much as possible. I do NOT engage in any argument he tries to pull me in to. Considering that he likes to argue, that's huge for me. I usually try to avoid a fight but eventually get pulled in. Now, I just listen and validate.....and validate....and validate some more. UGH! I am taking better care of myself....loosing wt, makeup, new clothes, fixing hair, etc. Oh, and most importantly, I am faithfully practicing to STFU, being soft spoken while working on bettering my listening skills. I am bad about interrupting him, but no more. I will bite my tongue if I have to, but I will not interrupt! I also have not been disagreeing or correcting anything because he takes that as me calling him a liar or thinking he's not smart. Whatever!

When I am around H he tells me how nice I look. He tries not to look at me though. Says when he does, he never wants to stop. Or, he tells me I "hypnotize" him. That makes it seem like he's likes me, but then again, he doesn't want me around. I try to respect that so I am in NC, but getting tired of just sitting here.

Well, I'm at work and it's about to get busy again so I have to cut this off. I will check in later. Perhaps you'll have something more to add here. Maybe some ideas on what else I need to do or stop doing.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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MB thanks for that synopsis. I'm looking forward to the comments. Glad you're ok.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
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Zues, as for my marriage, it had problems that had gone on for way too long. I am married to a man that is a bit of a control freak and insanely jealous. He wants control of everything and most of all ME. I am not someone that wants to be controlled which caused lots of problems. He would get mad if I went anywhere, talked to anyone, touched my phone (even just to play a game), etc. He would constantly ask me question after question and I would answer him, but he would always tell me I was lying or it "just doesn't sound right." It got to where he wouldn't just TALK to me, I always felt like I was being grilled. He had anger issues and I think he resented me for, well for everything! He always wanted me to think he was superior to me...would tell me everything I owned was crap and heverything he had was perfect. His kids were perfect and he would point out any problem (real or made up) with my kids. He treated his kids better than mine. He chose their side over me every time. Never wanted to go anywhere or do anything with me, and would always give a "reason" on how it was my fault he would say no. Everything was always MY fault. He picked fights with me constantly, then would say that it was my fault because I like to fight (I hate fighting!!!). It got to the point where I just couldn't let my kids see someone treat me that way and just accept it. So, I told him I was going to move out. He begged me to stay. Promised he would change. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I stayed. Nothing changed. About 6 months later, I told him again I was going to move out. He got mad and asked me to stay. I rented an apartment, but stayed for another month before I moved out. I really didn't want to leave him, but he just kept on complaining and griping every day because it was just hanging over his head I guess. So, I moved out. He agreed and we went to counseling for about 3 months. He would be better after an appointment, but by the next week it had "worn off" and his anxiety and anger were through the roof again. He made a few VERY SMALL changes right at the beginning that lasted about a week and a half. During that time, he asked me to come back. I acknowledged his changes and told him that I just needed him to show me that the changes were going to last more than a week, then I would come home. He took that as total rejection. He immediately stopped the changes he had made and never tried again. Every time it was brought up, he would say that "I tried, but you said it wasn't good enough for you." UGH! That's not what I said! I would explain till I was blue in the face, he never budged from that. So, 4 years later, he will still make that stupid comment that is NOT TRUE and he never tried again nor did he ask me to move back in again. Over the past 2 years I have told him 3 different times that I wanted to move back home. He basically told me that if I thought it was bad before, it would be worse now because now he doesn't trust me at all. Also said that every decision to be made would be his alone and that I would never have access to his bank account or money again. What idiot would sign up for that? I took that as a NO. I actually think he wanted me to move back in, but he just had to have it be his way on his terms so he would feel like he had control over it.

I think he's just a very insecure person that has always felt inferior to everyone. I think he always tried to make everyone else feel like they weren't worth anything so he could puff his chest up and feel superior to them. He had a rough childhood and I think he just doesn't have any idea how to get past it. I think he has a low opinion of women in general but just won't admit it. I also think that when he left his job to move to be with me, I think the stress started his MLC. Then, as other events happened, it just pushed him further into it (me moving, his kids graduating, his dad getting sick, and finally kids moving out). I honestly feel like a lot of the anger issues he was having was from his MLC.

My part in the breakdown of the marriage and what could I have done differently? I allowed my codependent behaviors to turn me into his doormat and cause him to loose respect for me. I didn't have clear boundaries and still don't My H was very insecure. I felt like every day he would test me to see if I loved and cared about him by accusing me of whatever. I would then have to deny it because if I didn't, then it had to be true. Once I denied it, he would feel better till the next day. I think better communication skills might have helped me with that. I didn't learn until WAY LATER that what I was saying and what made sense to me was not what he was hearing. I didn't realize that everytime I had a different opinion than he did, he was hearing me tell him that he was lying, I didn't believe him, I thought he was stupid, not good enough, etc. So many things that, if I had known, I could have said differently and it could have made a difference. Instead of getting mad about his controlling behavior, I could have tried harder to find a way to diffuse the situation. I think it would have made a huge difference if I just hadn't moved out! I think I could have made him feel more appreciated and needed. VALIDATION at that point would have been awesome, but I didn't have those DB skills yet. So many communication errors! Eventually, I just really needed to get my kids out of that situation though....and, I just needed some peace in my life.

I know it probably doesn't sound like I'm taking much responsibility, but I really have tried to be open, honest, loving, and all of that. I have tried to help him with his issues by being loving and supportive, going to counseling, making Dr appointments for him to get AD that he won't take, reasoning and explaining things to him until he makes me think I'm the crazy one. I let him pile all the blame on me for everything and I just tried to fix it. I'm quiet, easy going and allowed him to run all over me while I tried to get everyone to just get along. My poor IC really has his work cut out for him! Not sure how he's going to help me fix myself, but hopefully he will figure it out!

If anyone is still reading this, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm trying to save this. The thing is, he wasn't like this before. I know he's troubled and frustrated and taking it out on me. But, this isn't how he was. I am hoping that when he works through his MLC and stops blaming me and making me the bad guy, that he will be the person that I married instead of this angry resentful cheating person that he has become.


M:45 H:48
M:11
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BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
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12 '15 2 wk R
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Originally Posted By: Rain75
Originally Posted By: NYGal
Miss you MB


Me too


I miss you guys too! I'm heading to bed though. Have to work again tonight. Will check in later.

And, Zeus, I look forward to hearing from you too.


M:45 H:48
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EA:Confirmed 1wk later
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MB that's a great post

some of it rings a bell with me

I used to tell her that she held me and my daughters to a different standard to herself & her son.
there was also a lot of its your fault that I took to heart or tried to fix thinking that it would make thing better

its good to see your setting goals and well done on getting active. its great you can see your own faults and work thru them.
we are going to come thru this regardless wiser and kinder people.

keep moving forward & focusing on the positives

brad


Me: 45 w:45

M:6yrs T:9
Separated aug 15
no contact dec 15
come back july 16
I filed for closure aug 16


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Thanks Brad. I really hate that ANY of that sounds like your life because I know how miserable it can be to live that way. You're right. We WILL get through this and will be awesome when we get to the other side. I just hope the journey speeds up a little. It's just too painful to drag out this way. I hope you're having a good day today. smile.


M:45 H:48
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Things are getting better people are commenting on my changes and noticing im bouncing back.
Thats good to hear it gives me a bit of an ego boost

Im still in no contact, ive been reading a few site s about relationships and came across a study " does divorce make people happy" and its a bit of an eye opener.

The few things ive learnt along the way are
I need to set boundaries and not to try fixing everything
Im not responsible for other peoples behaviour only my own
Txt messaging is not an appropriate means of communication
I need to get better at not engaging in arguments and resolving conflict better
Validation and empathy

Like everyone i would like to make my marriage work i believe we could have worked things out . Im not going to act needy or be plan b , im a person i have great qualities and faults like everyone else
Michele in twitter wrote something along the lines that people are a package deal and that a new partner will bring with a different set of problems.

Thanks for the well wishes Mb keep smiling smile

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Originally Posted By: Imlucky

Im still in no contact, ive been reading a few site s about relationships and came across a study " does divorce make people happy" and its a bit of an eye opener.


Well, what was the verdict? Does it make people happier?


M:45 H:48
M:11
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EA:Confirmed 1wk later
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MB
I'm off to work and then I'm doing my dancing lesson tonight so it's on my to do list

Generally they ( Americanvalues ) conclude that the answer to be no ( go figure! )

I'll read it and see if I can make some bullet points


Me: 45 w:45

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Happiness comes from accepting reality and being appreciative for what we have.

Oftentimes we are miserable because we have the illusion that happiness comes from changing our environment to get everything we want. When something catastrophic comes along outside of our control it can force us to work on ourselves and find peace, not because we want reality to be how it is, but because there is nothing we can do about it and we are forced to face that.

Divorce, loss of a loved one, all types of rock bottoms. They can be the catalyst of profound personal growth. We learn unconditional happiness, because if our happiness was conditional upon our environment we'd never be happy again because the loss is so great.

Does that mean then that divorce makes people happy? No more to me than the loss of a child, or being paralyzed. We can use those losses as the wake up call to appreciate what we have left. But there is nothing inherently good about the destruction of a family.


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Quote:
It seems somehow that you have gotten the impression that I am just sitting here a crying blubbering blob that doesn't try to do anything to better myself of change at all


Not at all. You are rowing hard. I just want to make sure you are rowing the right direction. The list of GAL and 180s is amazing. Tip of the hat. You're right, you do have to keep moving forward, and this is inspiring. Keep it up!

When I say rowing the right direction, I always think back to 'are these the issues that caused WAS to leave?' I mean, we can change our hair color, wardrobe, and hobbies, but is that really where we should focus? That is why I was asking about your contributions to the breakdown of the M. 25years always says: No spouse ever returns to a marriage unless they are convinced it can be better than the one they left.


Quote:
If anyone is still reading this, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm trying to save this. The thing is, he wasn't like this before. I know he's troubled and frustrated and taking it out on me. But, this isn't how he was. I am hoping that when he works through his MLC and stops blaming me and making me the bad guy, that he will be the person that I married instead of this angry resentful cheating person that he has become.


I'm not wondering. I'll say it until I'm blue in the face: There isn't a married person in the world that couldn't write 10 pages that would convince anyone that their spouse was crazy and they should file for divorce. Everyone deserves a better partner. Seriously. We are all flawed. Married people simply decide to appreciate their partner's good qualities instead of focusing on their problems and imperfections.

As for the second part, I get what you're saying, you hope he changes. Just remember one thing- he's feeling more defeated than you are, and he's hoping YOU change. Not your hair style. But something he felt he couldn't live with anymore.

Quote:
My part in the breakdown of the marriage and what could I have done differently? I allowed my codependent behaviors to turn me into his doormat and cause him to loose respect for me. I didn't have clear boundaries and still don't
I think I could have made him feel more appreciated and needed. VALIDATION at that point would have been awesome


This is really the most important thing I've seen you post yet. This is getting down to brass tax. This is where you move the needle. Recognizing specifically where you behaved in ways that he couldn't live with. Boundaries and validation are good, but I think you nailed it with appreciation/feelings of importance.

Now turn that blue sentence into 5-10 threads of hundreds of posts digging deeper into it. I'm not kidding.

How did you show appreciation? Where did you fall short? Why? What did H look for in terms of feeling appreciation (love languages)? Did he tell you he didn't feel needed or appreciated? Did he tell you what he needed from you to feel this? Was this why he left?

You really skimmed over this part, and this is the part your WAH could've written 10 pages on about YOU. So I'd seriously ask you to keep the focus on this little section until you have written a book on the subject and are a different person.

Quote:
Eventually, I just really needed to get my kids out of that situation though....and, I just needed some peace in my life.


I'm confused here. Is this what you told yourself when you left? You say you shouldn't have left...but then you defend it? But then you're upset that he's not interested in reinvesting in the marriage? I can't tell if you're saying you were wrong to leave because it isn't right to split a family, or if you're saying you are free to do whatever you think will make you happy but it just didn't work out the way you wanted.

***********

MB- I am not attacking. I promise you have my admiration for being on these forums and for putting the work in your are putting in. No need to remind me that 99% of other people don't do this, and most women would be shacking up with OM#11 by now. I get it. I do. Just remember, I wouldn't be here writing this all out if I didn't recognize your sincerity and effort. No, this doesn't mean I'm some gift to DBers. I am one of us MB. That is all. As my dad says, just another suffering fool. You asked for my thoughts, so I am steering you as best I can to the area I think will make the biggest impact on your sitch. Keep rowing and hang in.


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5C398360

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Rain, go in and accept me.


M:45 H:48
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BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
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We are family, I got all my sisters with me!


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
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Originally Posted By: NYGal
We are family, I got all my sisters with me!



LOL.


Rain (moi): 40
Ex Fiance: 39
3 kids
On/off again EA & PA
Last BD by ow 12/15
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How was your day, MB?


Me: 43, Him: 40
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Hi Anna! Thanks for checking on me. I'm doing okay. I got out today and had lunch with my mom. Then, I went for an IC appointment....those are always fun! How was your day?


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
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12 '15 2 wk R
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Glad to hear you had a good day MB. Hope your lunch was good and if I detected sarcasm about IC. I feel the same sometimes. I can't wait to hear about your great day tomorrow MB!


The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
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hi MB

good to see you still here. I hope IC went well did you stick to your plan about less marriage talk and more focussing on you & your goals?

brad

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Hi Brad! Yep. He asked if there was anything new with H and I told him I had no idea because I haven't had any contact with him at all. That was that. Then we got started working on ME. Had to hurry and start because it's a BIG job! wink

How are you doing?


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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I'm ok , ill bounce back I always do!

I'm still on no contact so I have no idea either. I'm focussing on me and learning about boundaries. my counselling has been less about about marriage and more about recognising boundaries & challenging myself not to try & fix everything. the challenge is getting out of the house being more social and mixing.


I'm still open to reconciling, I'm not going to fight if she chooses to go thru with divorce. I think ive actually learnt and grown since this started.
I now understand its not my problem to fix her issues and you cant make some one do something they don't want.

you reckon he has a big job? your wise,smart,funny & caring that's a great start have a bit of faith in yourself!

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MB - I just wanted to pop in and say "hi" really quickly. I've got so much catching up to do on the threads!

I am in the middle of moving, and looking for work simultaneously. My H should get his D from me next week - so I'm about to be unhappily single again, too. LOL

I've just got a lot going on, and no time to really sit down, read, and catch up like I want to. It's going to be worse next week! Once my cable and internet are set-up, and I'm in one place - I know I'll spend hours reading and catching up on threads.

I hope you're doing all right. This last page of your thread seems pretty calm, so I'm hopeful - but when I get a chance, I'll read through the entire thread and see what has transpired while I was busy negotiating D terms with my STBXH. That was exhausting and depressing! It takes two to get married, but just one to blow up a family.

When I get back, I've got more to tell you...none of it makes my STBXH look very good. LOL

Stay upbeat, calm, and happy!

Talk to you soon(ish) - Judy


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Originally Posted By: Imlucky

you reckon he has a big job? your wise,smart,funny & caring that's a great start have a bit of faith in yourself!


Better watch out Brad, flattery will get you everything! LOL. You are very sweet. smile

Yes, I'm still NC as well. I'm really not enjoying it at all. I hate just sitting here waiting. I mean, I do the GAL and everything, but I just feel Ike I'm sitting here waiting and handing my H over to ow with my blessing. I know I can't make him want to be with me, or make him change his mind. It's just frustrating.

You sound like you're doing well. I have my good days and bad days. I guess I've just had several bad ones all strung together and it's depressing. Hoping to come out of it after Valentine's Day. UGH!

And, yes, I do feel like my IC has his work cut out for him. LOL. Pretty sure he sees me coming and just wants to smack his hand on his forehead while shaking his head in disbelief. He's watched me sit and cry, refuse to stop driving by H's house, sit there and listen and agree with him...then leave the office and do the complete opposite of what we just discussed, and the list just goes on and on. I have argued and disagreed with him, and I've challenged what he's told me. He tolerates me though. Sometimes he even seems to find me mildly amusing. He gets on to me for mind reading, so I can't be sure, but I think he's just grateful that we're working on me now so he doesn't have to hear about my H and the crazy things I've done since my last appointment. I am getting better though.

Well, I hope you have a fabulous day today. I'm going to read a little more on here and then go to bed. I picked up a shift tonight so I stayed up all night so I could sleep today.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
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Ancaire....I've missed you! So glad that you decided to stop by and say HI. I really hate that all this has happened to you, but I'm so glad that it's almost over so you can work on healing. I hope you're okay. You mentioned that you're moving. Are you staying around the same area, or are you moving up north a little bit like you had discussed? It's a shame that your H hasn't woken up yet, but maybe some day he will. Then he will look around and realize what he has done. IDIOT! I hope you find peace and happiness soon. You certainly deserve it! Make sure to let us know how it's going once you get settled. I will say a little prayer for you. Take care!

Oh, btw, nothing new to read on my thread. I'm still in NC with H.


M:45 H:48
M:11
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BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
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12 '15 2 wk R
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Originally Posted By: Tyler12
Glad to hear you had a good day MB. Hope your lunch was good and if I detected sarcasm about IC. I feel the same sometimes. I can't wait to hear about your great day tomorrow MB!

Yea, it wasn't a bad day at all. I've just been in this blah mood and can't seem to snap out of it. I think I've about decided that it's because Valentine's Day is coming up. It will be my first one to be alone on since I was 15! Of course, our anniversary will be coming up in a few weeks as well. That's probably not going to be a fun time either.

I met up with my mom at the mall. She's going on a vacation Sunday and needed to pick up a few things. Anyway, we shopped a little and then went to eat at Cheddar's. Now, I KNOW that their food doesn't really fit into my whole fitness kick that I'm trying to stick with, but I absolutely LOVE their honey butter croissants!!! After we ate, we just sat there and visited until it was time for me to go to my IC appointment.

I guess I was being a bit sarcastic about my IC. It's not exactly my favorite thing to do. We are working on repairing damage created when I was a kid/teen. I've been really honest with him and told him things that I don't ever tell other people (other than my H). I've always known that I had security/self esteem issues and I know WHY, I just don't know how to go about resolving them. We'll see if we can it figured out while I'm there. Would be great to actually feel confident enough to move on if I need to.

Well, I hope you had a great night. I'll catch you later. smile


M:45 H:48
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BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
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Zeus, I haven't forgotten you. I just know that when I sit down to answer your message, it's going to be long. Just haven't had a chance yet. Hopefully tonight...


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
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I'm glad you got a shift last night, MB.
We need to do something to (un)celebrate V-Day. Starting at 7 a.m. Let's all just hang out as much as we can on that a$$inine day.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
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Originally Posted By: NYGal
I'm glad you got a shift last night, MB.
We need to do something to (un)celebrate V-Day. Starting at 7 a.m. Let's all just hang out as much as we can on that a$$inine day.


Gal-entines Day. That was on an episode of Park and Recreation. A bunch of single girlfriends went out together.

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Let's celebrate Galentine's Day. I'm most worried about Saturday night and waking up Sunday morning alone. Wish I had a snuggle buddy.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
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Originally Posted By: NYGal
Wish I had a snuggle buddy.

You do! You have 2 of them, Hudson and Porter. Let them sleep with you and you can snuggle with them.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
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Zues, sorry this has taken me so long to write. When I think about it, my situation is so complicated and hard to explain that I have felt defeated before even writing it. I will do my best to explain though.
Originally Posted By: Zues126
Originally Posted By: -MB-
Eventually, I just really needed to get my kids out of that situation though....and, I just needed some peace in my life.



I'm confused here. Is this what you told yourself when you left? You say you shouldn't have left...but then you defend it? But then you're upset that he's not interested in reinvesting in the marriage? I can't tell if you're saying you were wrong to leave because it isn't right to split a family, or if you're saying you are free to do whatever you think will make you happy but it just didn't work out the way you wanted.

Living with my H and 6 kids in the house trying to blend our families while he was controlling, emotionally abusive, insanely jealous, and at times downright mean was beyond stressfull. I stayed as long as I could. I really am not making this stuff up to make him seem worse than he was. If anything, I am probably protecting him somewhat because it makes me look like an idiot for wanting back in! He was allowed to do whatever he wanted, but grilled me about every single thing I did.

He would leave for work in the morning and then sometimes he would come home for lunch around 12. I never knew which days he would come home, but he expected me to be there. If I wasn't, he would complain, gripe at me, accuses me of being out looking for someone else, etc. So, it was just easier to be home than go through that. His lunch was an hour long. then, he might be home at 3 or it might be 5 or 6, who knows, but I'm expected to be there or clearly I'm sneaking around. So, basically, I had between 1-3pm to get ready, go to town, grocery shop, run errands, or whatever and e home before him. Even if he pulled in the driveway and I pulled in 2 minutes later, he was mad. Then when I needed to go anywhere after he was home, he would say "You had ALL day!" Like there was something wrong with me for not being able to get everything done between 1 and 3.

One night the kids wanted to play a card game. I went to the table and played with them, H did not and I could tell he was mad that I was playing. He didn't like anyone to have one minute of my attention other than him...not even the kids. Anyway, he got mad and went to bed. He hadn't been in bed very long and apparently we were making too much noise laughing and having fun. It wasn't late and he didn't have to work the next morning! Anyway, he threw my pillow at the door. I knew this wasn't going to be good. Continued playing cards though. As soon as one of the kids laughed again, another pillow hit the door. Sigh.... We stopped playing not long after that. When I went to bed about an hour later, he was just laying there glaring at me with his arms crossed. Honestly, I felt like a little kid that did something wrong and was in trouble. I went to sleep and apparently I was laying on my back. I was startled awake the next morning around 7AM when H banged a pan and a cookie sheet together as hard as he could about 6 inches from my face. I actually felt my body leave the bed because I jumped when it woke me up. The look in his eyes was that of a crazy person! He said that we ruined his sleep, so it was his right to ruin ours. You can't even imagine how mad I was! I tried to explain that we were just playing a game and having fun not trying to do anything mean to him and that what he did was just mean spirited and intended to be mean and hurt us. He didn't care. He then left our room and I could hear him wake the kids up the same way he did me. I think he scared about 5 years off of my life that morning!

Anytime we would go to town whether it was to the store or out to eat or wherever, he would stop and ask me "Who was that?" I would look around and ask who he was talking about. He would say that someone was looking at me. I would have no idea what he was talking about. Never saw anyone looking at me, nor anyone I knew. He would also accuse me of staring at people when I was sure I hadn't been. It got to where I would stare at the table or the light fixtures when we would go out to eat because otherwise he was going to be jealous and accuse me of flirting with someone or staring at them. When we were in the car, I had to look straight ahead otherwise he would constantly be asking me who someone was or accusing me of flirting with people in traffic.

Seriously, I could go on for days about stuff like this that he did. On top of that, all I ever got was constant complaining and negativity. I would listen to his crap and if I didn't deny it, he would say that it must be true because I didn't deny it. He was always trying to engage me in an argument over NOTHING. He just really seemed to need to put me down in order to make himself look better. I never really understood that and never would have treated him that way. I can't tell you how many times I asked him to just say something nice to me, but he never would. NEVER.

Most of our fights and problems, aside from his jealousy, was about the kids. He was great with his own kids, but always made mine feel like outsiders. He had a different set of rules for his own kids, and a much harsher set for mine. He would buy his kids things and not tell me, then say that their mom must have gotten it for them. He would take his kids to drop off /pick up for their weekend with their mom and would stop to get them something to eat, but mine would have to eat at home. He would give them money for whatever they wanted, but would gripe at my kids if they needed money for something. If anything was ever broken, missing, or whatever, he would always assume it was on of my kids not his. The list goes on and on! I am not perfect, but I did try my best to treat all the kids fairly. My kids aren't perfect and neither are his....they're KIDS! All kids do things to test the rules and assert their independence. In his eyes, only my kids did anything wrong and he was always right there to point it out to them.

Like I said, I stayed as long as I could. I really did need some peace in my life. I was depressed, anxious, and I started having panic attacks. I felt like I couldn't ever do anything right. I also couldn't stand to have my kids watch someone treat me that way. I didn't want them to grow up and think that anything about that was normal. It would break my heart if they married someone that treated them that way. Continued........


M:45 H:48
M:11
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12 '15 2 wk R
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MB - have you sought counseling for this?

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Continued.......

So, my reason for leaving isn't really that simple. I left because I did need peace in my life. I needed to be able to stop and breathe without being told I was doing it wrong! I left because I didn't want my kids to grow up seeing me be treated that way. I didn't want them to grow up feeling like they were inferior to his kids. I left because I was frustrated and didn't know what else to do. I HOPED that he would realize that he was going to loose me and he would try to get help. I did NOT leave becuause I wanted to be free to do whatever I wanted. I did NOT leave because I wanted to be single. I did NOT leave because I wanted my marriage to be over. I love my husband and I never wanted anything other than to spend the rest of my life with him. I just didn't want to feel like he was punishing me ever day. I left to give us a chance. My intention was for us to go to counseling and work on our marriage. To make it better, not to end it. We did start going to counseling right after the separation. He just wouldn't do any of the work to try to fix things. The counselor would give him things to read and think about. He wouldn't even do that.

When I said that I didn't want to leave, it's because I love him and I really didn't want to be apart from him. I just didn't see any other way. I rented the apartment but didn't move. I stayed at home for another month after I had the apartment. I guess I hoped he would know I was serious and change. It didn't happen. He just got resentful and kept griping about when I was going to move. If he hadn't griped at me all the time about it, I may have never moved! I have missed him since before I even moved out. When he would complain about me not being there, I ALWAYS told him that I want to be married to him and that I just need him to be nice to me. That was my only requirement! Just be nice, I will come home. Nope!

Now I may not have handled it the way I should have, but I didn't know what else to do. Nothing I tried had ever worked. I just wanted us to get help so we could move forward and be happy together. I guess if I'm being honest, the separation may have worked but I couldn't separate from him. I basically just relocated, but allowed all of the same behaviors to continue. I spent hours every day at his house. He refused to come over here because it wasn't his house. So, I still went over there, spent all of my time with him, did whatever he wanted to do, listened to him gripe and complain about me only I had given him another thing to complain about....that I left him. I still let him control me, I just allowed him to do it from a mile away instead of from inside the same house. If I had been strong at the separation, it might have worked better. When he was upset, I would go over there and comfort him, tell him how much I loved him, and I always told him that I wanted to be with him. I constantly reassured him. He never had any reason to think I was going anywhere! I rarely even left my apartment because he would be mad at me. Seriously, I allowed him to still control me exactly as before.

When I realized that he wasn't going to fix anything I started trying to move back. I mean, I was always over there anyway. I really did and still do miss him. It got to the point that we just argued about me not living there. I thought if I did, the problem would be solved. I know that isn't true, he would have just found something else to complain about. He wasn't receptive to the idea though. I think it was because of his kids though. I think he was afraid they would leave him and he didn't want to rock the boat. I certainly never intended to be gone for as long as I have been and had actually started trying to move back about 2 1/2 years ago.

So yes, I may have technically walked away from him, but I didn't leave him. I spent more time with him after I left than I did before I left!

Hopefully this makes some sense and maybe clears up some things for you. I have to go take my son to work. I will be back in a little while to finish...


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
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MB I'm so sorry. That sounds like such a sad and stressful way to live each day. I can see why you left. It must have been very difficult for your kids too.


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Continued......


Originally Posted By: Zues126
When I say rowing the right direction, I always think back to 'are these the issues that caused WAS to leave?' I mean, we can change our hair color, wardrobe, and hobbies, but is that really where we should focus? That is why I was asking about your contributions to the breakdown of the M. 25years always says: No spouse ever returns to a marriage unless they are convinced it can be better than the one they left.


It is my belief that my H began the A because he is in MLC. I'm mindreading of course, but I think that he was having a hard time with the fact that I moved out. Then, his kids graduated HS. One of them moved out right after graduation, and the other moved out almost a month before H began talking to OW. I think the whole empty nest thing was just too much especially since I didn't live there. He is severely depressed and I believe he's just looking for anything to take his mind off of his problems and make him feel better.

The problem with doing 180's with H is that, first of all I don't see him or have ANY interaction with him, and second how can I 180 the fact that I don't live there? Move back in? I tried that, he said no. When I said that I could have had better communication skills to be able to deal with his insecurities, controlling behavior, jealousy, and all of that, that's not why he started the A. That's just something I could have done to try to prevent me needing to move in the first place. But, that's basically me giving him the green light to act however he wants and me take the responsibility of making it better for him. I do, however, validate the crap out of him when we are together. I do not allow myself to be engaged in any argument whatsoever with him. I smile, speak softly, validate, agree when appropriate, and pretty much communicate with him from a place of love and understanding. Even when he wants me to leave, I smile, don't make a big deal out of it and leave.

I am completely open to any suggestions anyone has for doing 180's with someone they have no contact with and who is having an A because I moved out. I really am at a loss. I also really do miss my H and have for a long time. I already wanted to move back in even before he started all of this. So, this isn't just "oh he dumped me, now I have to have him because he walked away." I already wanted this fixed and wanted to live in the same house as him. He wasn't supposed to try to get out, he was supposed to treat me the way I deserved to be treated. I really didn't ask for much!

Originally Posted By: Zues126
Just remember one thing- he's feeling more defeated than you are, and he's hoping YOU change. Not your hair style. But something he felt he couldn't live with anymore.

When I was living there, he didn't see any problem with the marriage. It was exactly as he wanted it. He controlled me and I allowed him to. I do get that he feels defeated right now. I can see it in his eyes when I'm around him. He looks completely lost. It's really sad and I feel horrible for him. I know he's not happy and doesn't know what he needs to do to be happy. I really do understand that. I also think he loves me, but doesn't know what to do with those feelings. He gets anxious and has panic attacks when I am around him. I know I can't fix that for him, but I REALLY want to. I don't have any idea how to make it easier for him to be around me. And, if he can't be around me, how will he ever want to be WITH me?


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
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MB, I think it's time for some drastic action. I'm hoping you'll get some advice from the vets. Let's see if Wonka can find her way over here.

May I suggest that you read the book Codependent No More? I've just started it, and it speaks to me. Hopefully even though I have cotton in my ears, my hands are over them, and I chant "nahnahanah" the whole way.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
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Hiya, MB.

Your friend, NYG, called me and asked if I'd mosey over here. Here I am! smile Let me take a look at your sitch and see how I can support you, sweetie.


MB,

I've read the last several posts where you described H's controlling behaviors.

Questions:

1-What was H like before you married him?
2-How long was your courtship before getting engaged?
3-What were the dynamics with the sets of children prior to marriage?
4-How and where did you meet H?

That will be all for now as I am interested in learning more about the backstory of your pre-M years.


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Oh goodness, MB... The things your H has done to you are abuse, plain and simple. Even if he never laid a hand on you. I DO hope you are getting counseling for your own well-being. I really wonder if H is even capable of being in a healthy relationship right now, based on the things you've written. And as you already know, no matter how much we love someone, we can't fix or save them. They have to do it for themselves. But before that happens, they first have to realize their actions are wrong/hurtful and take responsibility for them. It does not sound like H has reached that place yet.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this.


Me: 43, Him: 40
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Originally Posted By: Zues126

Boundaries and validation are good, but I think you nailed it with appreciation/feelings of importance.

How did you show appreciation? Where did you fall short? Why? What did H look for in terms of feeling appreciation (love languages)? Did he tell you he didn't feel needed or appreciated? Did he tell you what he needed from you to feel this? Was this why he left?


No, I do not believe this was the problem that caused him to walk away and start an A. And, no, he never told me what it would take to make him feel loved or appreciated. It sure would have helped though. He also didn't tell me that I didn't make him feel loved or appreciated.

After we moved out, he watched me struggle with money while he didn't. He never gave me money or offered to help me in any way. He expected me to do favors for him if he needed me to, but he didn't want to help me at all. I found our recently that he once gave my daughter $100 for school clothes when I couldn't afford them. She told me the money was from her birthday. He told her that if she ever needed help with money, she could come to him but not to tell me about it. He told her that he wasn't going to help me because he wanted me to fail so I would realize that I needed him. The thing is, I didn't need him for money. I WANTED him because I loved him. When she told me that, I began thinking that I had mistakenly made him feel unappreciated and didn't make him feel needed. I thought I was just being an independent woman, but apparently that was not what he wanted. I needed him for love, affection, companionship, and to feel safe and secure. I just didn't need him for money. I didn't realize that was a bad thing! I guess he needed me to need him in that way. Or, it could be just another thing that he said but didn't necessarily mean. He was constantly changing what he wanted from me. Constantly changing the rules. I was always confused because I would think I was doing what he wanted, but then it would change.

As for love languages, mine would be physical touch. As for H's, I'm not sure. I think it would be a combination of Quality time and words of affirmation. That is a new realization for me though and I am guessing because it's not something that H told me or responded much to. I did give him quality time. I also gave not quality time, and basically ALL of my time. I also did acts of service for him. I thought that's what he would have wanted, maybe I was wrong. He also got physical touch because that's what I needed but he didn't give me much of it so I would sit by him, lay my head on his chest, hold his hand, etc. just so I could touch him. Sometimes he would let me and sometimes he would sigh and get irritated because he was "just about to get up" and apparently I "have bad timing."
As for words of affirmation, I would tell him that he's smart, funny, that I know he works hard, that I appreciate it when he fixes something or takes time to do something for me, that he's a good dad, that I love the way he looks and so on. I might not have done it as much as I could have, but it is difficult when you get nothing in return. I did still they though. If he was ever down on himself, I would always try to pick him up and make him feel better.

I showed him appreciation by telling him that I appreciated it when he did something for me. I also cooked, cleaned and did his laundry. I left him cards, notes on the bathroom mirror, bought his favorite things when I was at the store, always tried to cook things that he liked, I would ask his opinion on things. Two years ago, I started on Feb 1st and put a small gift on his car (card, sign, cake balls, sucker, .....) every day until Valentine's Day. I tried so many different things to try to make him happy and to feel special. He just didn't really respond. I guess that means I was trying the wrong things? I haven't read the love language book, I've only read what others have said about it. ??I guess I was using the wrong love language on him.?

All of this brings me right back to what I said earlier. How can I change any of these things and show him if I'm never around him or talk to him.

I feel like I have shared way too much and feel so stupid for allowing myself to be treated this way. And yet, I still want to go back.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Originally Posted By: annab74
Oh goodness, MB... The things your H has done to you are abuse, plain and simple. Even if he never laid a hand on you. I DO hope you are getting counseling for your own well-being. I really wonder if H is even capable of being in a healthy relationship right now, based on the things you've written. And as you already know, no matter how much we love someone, we can't fix or save them. They have to do it for themselves. But before that happens, they first have to realize their actions are wrong/hurtful and take responsibility for them. It does not sound like H has reached that place yet.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this.

Hi Anna. Thanks for writing. Zues wanted to know more, he didn't know that I'm the person who can write almost as much as he can. smile He will probably be more careful of what he asks for next time. I've completely exposed myself and it's more than just a little embarrasing. The only blessing is that I don't know anyone from this list in person. Hopefully it will give someone the information needed so they can help me or someone else.

You are absolutely correct about my H. He does not take any responsibility for anything. He dumps all the blame in my lap and I let him do it. I am codependent at it's finest! H really seems to believe that he has somehow earned the right to treat people any way he wants. Possibly because of the abuse he suffered when he was younger? It's like he thinks because he's paid his dues, he has earned the right to pass it along to others. The incident when he woke us up, he still defends that action. He honestly seems to think that's normal behavior. And, everything that he does is because I somehow made him. Always my fault.

Yes, I am in counseling. I am no longer talking about my marriage when I'm there, I'm just working on me. I know that I seem to be broken inside. I know that this is not normal. I know that I need to improve my self esteem and learn to set boundaries. I just don't know how yet. I'm currently a work in progress. My fear is that I will fix myself and then when H comes back I won't want him. But then again, if I'm fixed, it won't be a fear any longer. For now it is though. My main goal at this time is to get my marriage back on track. Not the sick marriage that I have had, but the one where I used to tell my H that he is the sweetest man I know, and at the time it was true. That's what I want back. My second goal is to fix myself so that I am strong enough and okay to move on without him if I need to. I'm nowhere near there yet.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
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MB,

Honey, after reading about your latest posts, I am more and more convinced that H has bona fide Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Not the usual chit bandied about here in the forums.

It looks like you are married to a man with a very deep-seated NPD. From literature, it is VERY hard to treat...if ever treatable. I am glad that you have IC, but I'd hate to see you prezeling over someone who really does not value you at all.

Google wikiHow on dealing with NPD.

This particular section fits your H you to a t based on what you write here:

Determine if it’s worth dealing with this person. This person has very little interest in listening to you and has a lack of interest in what your needs are.[5] Narcissists think they know more than others. Therefore, they see their decisions as the only logical answers to problems. Narcissists will expect that you will defer to their decisions. There will probably be power struggles or severe control issues in your relationship.

This person doesn’t seem to have an emotional investment in your relationship and becomes angry if there is a perceived criticism of any kind. He probably has a history of severing relationships over trivial causes.[7] If you are determined to maintain the relationship, how do you survive, and remain emotionally intact?

Determine if you cannot or will not walk away from this person in your life. If it’s a new acquaintance, it might be better to abandon the relationship.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You are going have to ask yourself some serious questions.

1-Can H change?
2-Do you want to remain married to someone who does not value you at all?
3-What does that say about your own self-worth wanting to be married to someone who clearly mistreats you, minimizes you, and demeans you?


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I was thinking the same exact thing, Wonka.

MB - have you spoken to your IC about codependency? I see that you are concerned that you have shared too much about your H with us that you worry we will not think highly of him and support you in reconciling.

Do you see how that is warped? Deep down, you know he is abusive, but you defend him.

I am the same way, MB. My issues stem from a fear of abandonment.

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Whoops - just noticed you mentoined you were codependent.

Needless to say, this would be a great time to work on this in therapy.

Does your H drink alot? Do drugs?

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Originally Posted By: Wonka
MB,
Questions:

1-What was H like before you married him?
2-How long was your courtship before getting engaged?
3-What were the dynamics with the sets of children prior to marriage?
4-How and where did you meet H?

That will be all for now as I am interested in learning more about the backstory of your pre-M years.


Wonka, thank you so much for taking the time to try to help me. I really appreciate it! I feel so lost and don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

Before we got married, I always told H that he was the sweetest man that I had ever known. And, at the time, it was true. He called and texted me all the time. We talked for HOURS on the phone ever day. He told me what a great person I am. When I would tell him something about my X, he would always say he didn't know how anyone could ever treat me that way. Always complemented me. Bought me little things. Liked to take me out. Tried to look out for me and protect me. Was so nice to my kids and told me that he wanted to be their dad. He always shaved and tried to look nice for me. I just can't really think of anything about him that was bad during that time.

This was our second engagement. I was also engaged to him when I was 18 and I broke off the engagement because I got tired of it being a long distance relationship. This time we were together for almost 2 years before getting engaged. During that time, we were always on the phone together and would see each other on weekends and I would also go see him whenever my XH had the kids for his visits.

As for the children, H has 2 kids and I have 4. We both had primary custody of our kids. His 2 kids were the same ages as my middle 2 kids. The kids didn't actually meet each other until about 4 months before we got married. They actually all got along well though. The played together and seemed to like each other. Well, all of them except for my youngest. His kids never fought. I mean not ever. In all the years that we've been together, I have never heard his kids argue, fight, call each other names, get mad at each other...nothing. I was freakishly weird. Never really knew what to make of it. Anyway, they liked my older 3 kids, but seemed to think that I had my youngest child specifically for them so they could pick on her and make fun of her. That was a constant source of tension around the house after we married and moved in together. But, as I said, they only met about 4 months before we got married and didn't see each other that often.

I met my H origionally when I was 16. I worked at a fast food place and he came in and ordered food and flirted with me a LOT. As it turned out, he had just graduated, but I knew his sister from school. My parents moved our family 8 hours away when I was 17. My we continued our relationship long distance for a year and a half and even got engaged. I broke off the engagement and eventually married someone else. He didn't contact me for 18 years, then called me out of the blue. We talked on the phone for a couple of months, then eventually met in person. It basically just went on from there. We were both married and unhappy at the time. His XW was an alcoholic and drunk all the time. My XH and I had been VERY happy for the first 10 years we wer married, then it's like he woke up one day and lost his mind. He became abusive and I was trying to get away from him.

Anyway, that's pretty much it. I'm not really sure how such a sweet man turned into the person that I'm married to, but I want the origional version back. I'm sure it's the version that he's showing to ow otherwise she would be running not chasing.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Is your signature updated? I'd love to help if I can but I'm not sure of your current status. Can you provide a quick bullet point synopsis at the beginning of your next thread of what has happened and where you are now? When people do that it's very helpful for others and allows us to get caught up quickly so we can offer relevant advice based on the most current information.



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Originally Posted By: Thornton
Does your H drink alot? Do drugs?


No, he doesn't do either. He stopped smoking for me 12 years ago and took up dipping. After BD, he took up smoking again. So now, he smokes and dips. He told me he did that because he was having a hard time dealing with things. He said it wasn't working though and the only other thing he could think of was to take up drinking. As far as I know he hasn't. I made an appointment for him to go see the Dr and he was put on antidepressants. Not sure if they're working or not because I'm never around him.

I am working to fix myself in counseling. I can't move on alone right now, I just can't do it. Eventually, I'm hoping to. If he's never coming back, I will have to be able to let go at some point. It isn't what I want though.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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T
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T
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I totally understand how you feel.

Basically you are addicted to your H.

Have you ever attended a Codependents Anonymous meeting? They are very similiar to Al-Anon meetings for the families of alcoholics.

Support groups are great because no one judges you, they have all been there, and you don't feel so alone. I'd look into it if I were you.

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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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