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Originally Posted By: annab74
So sorry NYGal...what a crappy situation.

She is probably just trying to do damage control because she knows you are (rightfully) upset about the rumors. She doesn't want to lose you completely when she isn't confident in things working out with the OW, so she needs to smooth things over so you'll stay put on the back burner until she's made up her mind.

I would not engage with her at work if you can help it. If its good news, it will still be good news after work. But given the fact your boss has already proven less than sympathetic about these issues, I wouldn't want to risk it being something bad that could create problems for you.

Hugs to you, girlie and hoping for the best!!


I agree. She is trying to calm you down, especially since you refused to speak to her on the phone. Stay Strong.

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Originally Posted By: NYGal
Wonka, I need you. Just received a text. W is in a meeting in the room right above me and wants to stop by to talk when she's finished. Not sure what to say or do. I don't feel ready, but I do so want to talk to her.


I'm on my phone so will be brief. First of all, I'm so to see that you're hearing some really awful stuff that's circulating around. I've been through the exact sme things which was why I didn't speak with Ms. Winks for a loong time for I was really angry with her after hearing some really horrific stuff come out that were completely untrue. The WASes do really demonize and vilify the LBS in every imaginable way to 'justify' why they're leaving such great spouses. Grrr!!!

Now I am not in favor of talking with your spouse when ones in such emotional turmoil because one will be both defensive and GO on the offense to protect their pride. Nothing good can come from such talks especially when one is at a very vulnerable place. Both Painer's and Anna's suggestions are very good.

Do not engage with W now. When you're at a more centered place, then you can raise your concerns and disappointment from a position of quiet strength.

Stay strong and continue on the high road. You cannot go wrong on this path.

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I texted and told her "No, not a good time."
I'm glad I avoided the drama. Weekends are tough. I didn't need to hear more b.s. or lies or even to hear that she misses me... then she spends the weekend with ow or whatever the heck she's doing.

Everyone says it gets better. I don't know when. I'm hanging on by a thread, friends. I'm not moving forward at all. Maybe I cry a little less on some days.

On the 17th I have a job interview via Skype for a job in Boston. I'm dreading it. I feel so shaky. And I'm not sure I want to leave here and move so far away. But seeing W and hearing about her is not helping me get on with my life. I am not happy at all, and I'm losing hope. Sometimes I just don't want to keep at this.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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Quote:
so she needs to smooth things over so you'll stay put on the back burner until she's made up her mind.
So much this. However, you are not backup material. You are first choice. This is where the counterintuitive part of DBing comes in. To be first choice, you need to back away and be strong. Work on yourself DESPITE the turmoil going on. Show her through your actions what a fool she is being. We all have wanted to rail out our SOs, and it feels natural to do so. BUT it does the exact opposite and makes things worse.

She's a big deal in town? And? No one has control or power over you unless you let them. Take control of your life, GAL, and work those 180s hard. Set aside time each day to let your feelings go through you, then put them away and get back to it. Ignore the negativity as much as you can or use it to fuel the fire of your change in spite of it.


M: 8.5 T:10
Me:37 W:34 S:6

Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15
Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
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Good job on declining her talk! You're already protect yourself from emotional disruption and decided you wanted a peaceful weekend. That is huge progress!

I understand your upset about this. I find that some of the things H said to OW about me upsets me more than him actually having the A.

But I think it's way too soon to make a decision about moving for a job at the stage you are in right now. Did you apply for this the same week she asked you to move? Will it mean much better income, job security or other benefits for you?

Changing jobs is very stressful. Moving is very stressful. A divorce is almost as stressful as a death. You really, really don't need all this stress piled on top of each other.

And if you want to try to rekindle a relationship with her, how will you do that from so far away?


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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How did you know, Painter? I applied for the job right around the holidays which were so incredibly stressful while she was away trying to decide between us. Did I ever say on here that at one point she said she could flip a coin and decide that way?
Yes, you hit the nail on the head. I want to rekindle a R with this charming idiot and I'm stressed out about leaving this place I've lived in since 1994. The last thing I need is a decision like this. I can barely decide when to wash my hair let alone moving to Boston.
I found your post remarkably soothing. I'm in so much turmoil but yes, I want to rekindle and reconcile. God help me.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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NYGal, it sounds like you answered yourself! If you're not completely ready to move on from your W and start fresh somewhere new, then it doesn't sound like something that you REALLY want to do. Would be easier on you to just stay put for now.

I hate that you're so hurt and confused right now. Have you gotten out lately? I know that I haven't and I feel so much better when I do. The thing that helps me the most is getting out and doing something that involves being around people so I don't feel so alone.

Right now you're in a constant state of stress and you need a break from that. Have you looked into any support groups in your area? Or, do you go to church anywhere-sometimes they have groups you can use to connect with people. I haven't done this yet, but I really should. I stopped going out because I didn't want it to become a habit to hang out where everyone was always drinking and smoking. Just not really my scene. Would love to make new friends that have the same interests as me though.

I hope you're doing okay. Praying that tomorrow will be a better day for you. Hang in there!


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Hi MB. Thanks for checking in. I am involved with a divorce support group that meets every Sunday. This weekend they are having a coffee meetup (in a few min actually) dinner, and a super bowl party tomorrow. I will probably do all. It's a nice sunny day here in....


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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You know what's also really good for bringing the anxiety down the notch is journaling. Like actually sitting down and writing it all out...not typing. Journaling online is helpful and it all assists with processing emotions, but the physical act of handwriting makes your brain process more deeply so the effect is stronger. I bought a special notebook and started journaling letters to H. When I feel most crazy, I write and empty all the garbage out on paper, and I always feel so much more peaceful afterward. It REALLY helps. I recommend it highly.

I have also gotten into adult coloring books (art therapy, anyone?). I invested in a set of professional watercolor pencils and paint brushes. I've always loved the idea of painting but I'm not particularly artistic. The coloring books and watercolor pencils are a great because I can't draw, but I can color just fine. Sometimes I spend hours working on a really complicated picture and it's a great distraction that keeps me from obsessing over my situation.

Maybe some kind of creative outlet would help you too, NYGal?


Me: 43, Him: 40
Married: 21 years

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That sounds good, anna. I'll think about that. I do journal. And I'm reading a lot, trying to "grow". He!! I should be 10 feet tall by now.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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