I hope you dont mind me bringing this over here, NYG! I'll comment in blue
Hi Rain. I found out last night that W's lies about me are spreading all over town. "All over" meaning a friend who I didn't even know had mutual friends with us has heard how much money I allegedly have in the bank (if I had that much I'd be happy -- maybe I should do a recount?) And other lies about why I'm such an unreasonable person. And this same friend is hearing about at least one W and ow sighting: in a whispering tete a tete in a coffee shop. So much for her needing time alone, huh? Thats why the rule is there not to believe anything that she says. You never fully understand the reasons for what she says or does, so theres often little point in analyzing them except as a casual observer might watch a rat run through a maze. She was never planning on spedning time alone....she just wanted to keep you attached to her by ensuring that YOU spend your time alone.
I know, the friend shouldn't have told me, but she did. And she has good reason to hate W so I shouldn't be surprised.
Sometimes you just don't care anymore if it's good DBing or not. It's not about "good DBing". Its about doing what works. It's about acting out of logic and not emotion. Thats pretty much the core of the whole thing. I dont see any reason to NOT do those things.
So I texted W saying I'm now hearing what she's been spreading about me and about us, and that I'm so disappointed. Should have said disgusted. Before reading the rest, what was your goal in contacting her for this? What were you trying to achieve? Just to tell her you know shes talking about you? Not saying you should or shouldnt have contacted her. Just want to understand your intentions.
She tried to call me nine times that I know of. (I blocked her for awhile, taking a page out of your playbook.) Then she texted and said she only told a couple of therapists and 2 or 3 "very close friends". (She's just trying to cover her a$$.)So I texted back, "Well, the close friends are telling other close friends and I'm hearing all about it now from the unlikeliest of people... You don't do anything or go anywhere without it spreading like wildfire." Ugh. That bolded part is so judgmental and unnecessary. I know you are hurting and Im really sorry. I hate all of this for you, for me, for all of us. That said, is this the kind of person that you want to be, regardless of who you are talking to?
She texted twice asking me to call her. Then she added that she also told some attorneys about how much money I have.
The thing is, as I've said before, she's a big &*%$ing deal in this town, and her B.S. spreads quickly. People do love to gossip about her, and now I'm a part of it too.
Her three voice messages only asked me to call. I have not called. Again, you reach a point where it hardly matters anymore, don't you? Where WHAT hardly matters?
What matters is YOU. And the advice youve been getting is focused on that. It sounds like you are starting to see that.
This may set me back in terms of my goal to be with her, but right now I'm not sure I even want to. That's progress. Yep. And pretty soon, youll realize that whether you want her back or not doesnt really matter. never did.
I'm scared about how I'll feel when this shock wears off. And please, people, don't tell me I shouldn't have contacted her. I know that. I'm tired of being the oh-so-reasonable little mouse woman she'd be a fool to leave. She's just a fool. By mouse-woman, I assume you mean leaving her alone. Yes, you should do that. Doesnt mean you cant be a lion in the rest of your life!
I hope you dont mind me bringing this over here, NYG! I'll comment in blue
So I texted W saying I'm now hearing what she's been spreading about me and about us, and that I'm so disappointed. Should have said disgusted. Before reading the rest, what was your goal in contacting her for this? What were you trying to achieve? Just to tell her you know shes talking about you? Not saying you should or shouldnt have contacted her. Just want to understand your intentions.
My intention was to hurt her in her most vulnerable place, like she has hurt me. I had to strike back. She's always concerned about what other people think, to an extreme. And I wanted her to know that her lies have taken on a life of their own and are now sweeping me up in the tide. She has said repeatedly that she's created such a mess that she might have to leave town. I think what I heard is just the tip of the iceberg, and once the rumors spread, they'll only get worse and worse.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Whatever we do, there's always a choice. You don't get to choose whether people are gossiping and what about - but I don't think you need to strike back. You could choose to walk around town calmly, with dignity, poise and a smile on your face.
Whatever happens to the rumours, I think that is her sandbox and not yours. I don't think it is 'mousey' not to engage with her - it's not doormat behaviour to pick yourself up and move forward with your own life, despite still being in pain from the blow of recent events. I think that is behaviour that others would admire, and that might inspire them - a measure of your strength of character in adversity.
I wonder if you contacting her was more about wanting her to engage with you - even if it was going to be a negative interaction?
Take care my friend, and the feedback isn't meant to sound harsh. Truly I understand how difficult it is and I want to help.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
It probably was partly about wanting her to engage with me. And the fact that she called 10 times satisfied that urge. I didn't pick up any of the calls. I knew I would not be able to have a constructive conversation with her until I cooled down a LOT. And even now I don't want to engage with her, but I am wondering if she'll try to all or stop by my office. Probably not. She has her pride, too.
It's odd how we go from shocked that our spouses would do the things they do to us after all the promises are broken, to not even knowing who they are anymore. To a sort of numbness, that I know will give way to horrible unbearable pain later. And then the things that they did to hurt us at the beginning we get used to. But then there are other things and it seems to never end. It's so painful to remember how she was with me at the beginning, then to hear from friends that she's whispering sweet nothings with ow over coffee.
It all just crushes me. And I did see her walk by my office this morning, btw. I never know exactly when it will be, so I can't just leave.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Nygal- I feel your pain. I had my WAH aunt call me to tell me she her from his mom that he decided he wants the D( before he told his family he wasnt sure) and a bunch of other stuff and I'm like oh..okay. Mhmm. Thank you( didnt correct her I had to stfu)
My WAH has still yet to mention he told his parents, or that because he told them the whole family knows, but he is still telling half his family its a trial separation, he tells his friends at work we are getting better..and some people he just calls me his wife and acts like nothing is going on!!!!
Do you know how BAD I WANNA SNAP and tell him that I have x,y,z telling me a,b,c and its not even 100% what you told me?! Gahh it is so horrible. I have heard rumors from his friends of things he has said about me, things he has done..I know how you feel. I know exactly how you feel.
It is so hard always letting it go. It is so hard to just nod and say nothing when people want to tell you all this stuff.
I am very sorry you went through that the other day. You know You said You shouldn't have done it so its not like I'll lecture You on that. That day was bad..make tomorrow - today better.
I have to almost avoid my WAH somedays so I don't snap. Just want you to know that you arent alone in how you feel.
I try to tell myself rumors are like when you play telephone..it gets all effed up by the end. You start off saying oh I'm thinking of getting a different car..next thing you know people think you are buying a brand new car from some sugar daddy named rico suave from the carribbean. People will embellished and the story gets worse and worse until it is 5x worse then what was really said.
Rumors are exactly like the game telephone. In no time I'll probably have 10x more money in the bank than I heard about last night! Talk about compounded interest! And whose business is it anyway???
Rednail, I bet you're hearing different things from different people probably because he's all over the map and doesn't really know what he wants. So keep DBing and don't give up.
Good luck.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Wonka, I need you. Just received a text. W is in a meeting in the room right above me and wants to stop by to talk when she's finished. Not sure what to say or do. I don't feel ready, but I do so want to talk to her.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
If you don't feel ready, don't. You're at work, right? It would be very disruptive to you to have a personal and emotional interaction at work. I'd just say, 'It's not a good time for me while I'm at work.'
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I can't stand to hear more bad news today. And if it's "good" keep me hanging on news that's probably not so good either.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
She is probably just trying to do damage control because she knows you are (rightfully) upset about the rumors. She doesn't want to lose you completely when she isn't confident in things working out with the OW, so she needs to smooth things over so you'll stay put on the back burner until she's made up her mind.
I would not engage with her at work if you can help it. If its good news, it will still be good news after work. But given the fact your boss has already proven less than sympathetic about these issues, I wouldn't want to risk it being something bad that could create problems for you.
