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#2649722 02/03/16 09:51 AM
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Old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2649666&page=11

Hi everyone. Seems like I'm entering a new phase, so I'll still need your advice.

I have to stop obsessing about ow. My IC suggests I visualize her far away from W (if I visualize her at all) and more importantly she suggests that I send good thoughts toward W. Picture a glow around her and send healing energy her way so that she gets through her confusion. Or picture that glow around both of us. A friend suggested a similar thing. It sounds woo woo, but I like the idea. It calms me down.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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Hi NYGal, if it calms you down, then that is a great idea! I find the best way to stop obsessing is to keep really busy or to play music really loudly. We are all a little woo woo. (Me especially these days).

I hope you find some peace of mind today!


BD 2/15
separation 1/16
formerly Pho or Fo
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Clearly I need help. I can't stop checking ow's schedule, and just found that it looks like she is taking time off for W's birthday weekend. I'm sick. I mean really, physically ill.
So much for "I need more time alone."

I want to send an email about the credit card check. Wonka, your thoughts? The nice R talk was 10 days ago. It's not like I'm immediately asking for money. And it might give me an idea of where we stand.

I'm shaking and panicking. Please, someone help??


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
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I figured I'd try and give some brief input to your sitch. I haven't read all of it, but your reactions sound familiar enough.

First, listen to Wonka. I mean completely, wholeheartedly listen to Wonka, even when she throws the 2x4 to the side to grab the girder instead. She will not steer you wrong, whether or not your R is saved. She was one of the big players that helped save me.

Being cheated on is one of the worst feelings in the world that leads to so much doubt across all domains of life. It leaves you off balance and scrambling to find purchase on any stable ground. But what you need to realize is that you cannot use the old the same ground you are used to. Instead, you must create your own (GAL, 180s).

I saw in a few places others trying to tell you to stop trying to control the situation with OW. I'm going to reiterate their words: You cannot control that situation. Not one single bit. The only power you have is to change yourself and how you do things. My W told me that when she was in the A, it was like a drug, overpowering. It was an infatuation. She let so many red flags go under the carpet when she knew better. W told me that the things that drew her back were from my second point above: my personal changes that she saw within me and with my son. Constantly checking on WAW and OW will keep the wounds open for a longer period of time. Instead, maybe you can set aside a brief time of day, feel those emotions, and then pick yourself up and move on. If your therapist's suggestion works for you, then do it. I, personally, had to completely block her and him out. Do what works for you.

You are about 6 weeks into a marathon. Stop trying to run it as a sprint, dear. I learned that lesson the hard way, and it caused me a lot of unnecessary pain.


M: 8.5 T:10
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I miss the edit button already.

If you're questioning about the credit card, treat it as a business transaction that is a responsibility the two of you must handle. Nothing more than that. Do not use it or associate it with pursuing or getting more information. And as long as the OW is in the picture, you know exactly where you stand. She has to be gone before you and WAW can truly move forward.


M: 8.5 T:10
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Hey Squiggy....nice to see you are around to pay forward. smile

NYG,


Originally Posted By: NYGal
Clearly I need help. I can't stop checking ow's schedule, and just found that it looks like she is taking time off for W's birthday weekend. I'm sick. I mean really, physically ill.
So much for "I need more time alone."

I want to send an email about the credit card check. Wonka, your thoughts? The nice R talk was 10 days ago. It's not like I'm immediately asking for money. And it might give me an idea of where we stand.

I'm shaking and panicking. Please, someone help??



Calm down. It is all in your head, sweetie.

Clearly I need help. I can't stop checking ow's schedule,

It is UP to you to stop checking OW's schedule. The power is entirely in your hands. You don't need help. What you need to do is to make a decision to cease all of these activities. Your choice. Yours to own alone. None of us can "help" you. We can advise and counsel you. Ultimately, you are the one who takes action or not. It's that simple.

just found that it looks like she is taking time off for W's birthday weekend. I'm sick. I mean really, physically ill. So much for "I need more time alone."

It's mindreading at its finest. You have no solid proof to back this up. And what if she is??! You have ZERO control over what or with whom W chooses to spend her time with...

which brings me to this point....

I want to send an email about the credit card check. Wonka, your thoughts? The nice R talk was 10 days ago. It's not like I'm immediately asking for money. And it might give me an idea of where we stand.

You WANT to because you are spinning and feeling out of control. And getting info about some change on a credit card isn't going to give you the information on where you stand with W. Do you now see how silly this is??! A credit card statement is the bellweather for your R??!!! Really?!

AGAIN...don't reach out to W about the credit card bill now. I say ignore Squiggy's advice (sorry bud....) because the TIMING IS terrible. Again, sit on your hands.

It is all about YOU spinning....it is becoming so predictable. Like a clockwork...when you try to find some nugget on the OW or [insert whatever], you get upset, feeling ill, spin 101 different ways and you WANT to reach out to W.

You are going have to learn to self-soothe these antsy emotions. Learn to go "through" it...feel it, acknowledge it, say "thank you" for telling me, and move on. Emotions are like passing clouds...transient. Temporary.

Never, NEVER ever act on panicky emotions. They will always lead you on the wrong path.

Summary:

DO. NOT. SEND. ANY. EMAILS. TO. W....not even credit card.

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Wonka, you have the license to tell me to be quiet any time! We know emails were never my forte, and you helped me through many.

I had to step away and spend time healing my family. Now it is time to return the deep debt I have to everyone here in whatever way I can.


M: 8.5 T:10
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So Wonka, be honest, how do you REALLY feel about NYGal sending W an email? wink


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
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4 '15 R &still working on it
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Originally Posted By: NYGal
Clearly I need help. I can't stop checking ow's schedule, and just found that it looks like she is taking time off for W's birthday weekend. I'm sick. I mean really, physically ill.
So much for "I need more time alone."

I want to send an email about the credit card check. Wonka, your thoughts?

I'm shaking and panicking. Please, someone help??


NYGal, you're okay. Think of it like this....NOTHING has changed since this morning when you woke up, got dressed and felt okay. Just because you checked ow schedule and found she asked for some time off, that happened at least days ago, not today. So, for today, nothing has changed at all except that you came into that information. It was already there yesterday, and you were okay yesterday....and this morning. Just because you now know, didn't change anything with w and ow. Ow already had her plans made whether or not you know about them. Just keep reminding yourself that things with w and ow didn't change just because you found out about them. The only thing that changed is your feelings and emotions, not them.

ALSO, you are mind reading. Just because ow asked for time off, it doesn't mean that it has anything to do with W's bday. And, if it does, that doesn't mean that just because ow plans to spend time with W on her bday, that W has any intention of spending time with ow! Heck, it could mean that they're having problems and ow just can't stand the thought of being in town on W's bday when W is rejecting her and doesn't want to spend time with her. That's 3 different scenarios right there. You're ASSUMING that you know which one is true, but you're just ASSUMING because you don't know for sure.

Hang in there NYGal, you're going to be okay. Take some deep breaths, go for a walk, call a friend, or whatever calms you. Just do something to take your mind off of it. We are all here for you and we totally understand how you're feeling. ((((NYGal))))

Oh, and one more thing, STOP IT with the email already! LOL. You're going to make Wonka hunt you down and sit on you until she's convinced that you're not going to hit that send button. Don't make her do it! smile


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
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Posts: 7,319
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MB,

Originally Posted By: - MB -
So Wonka, be honest, how do you REALLY feel about NYGal sending W an email? wink


How I feel is completely irrelevant. However, what I really THINK about sending email to W is that it is a very bad idea.

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