It seemed that in a moment of clarity I saw our societies marital problems from an outside view. Almost like God let me see things from his perspective. And at the root of the issues was individualism. We are now so bent on individual desires, expectations, and new aged outlooks.
I was shown that it started to fall apart when middle class got wealthy enough to have houses for each generation and technology shrank the world. Gone were the days of 3 generations sharing a house, and extended family living together as a family. Gone were the small communities in which we each had a role to play, in which we all shared the same friends, neighbors, and social circles. In short, gone were the days in which you were 'stuck' with what you got.
The new days are those of getting ours. From online shopping to online movies to online dating. It's all out there, and why shouldn't we have it?
And just in case any of you are still with me, I'll lose my audience now by saying that all of our 'standards' and ideas of how we 'deserve to be treated' are more of the same. I see things like "I shouldn't settle for someone that doesn't love me like I love them", or "I must respect myself to not allow myself to be treated like this or that". Everyone has their own twist on how a relationship ought to be, and as a result people are perpetually destroying the fabric of their families.
I don't have a family anymore. My parents are divorced, in other states, and living their own lives. My brother and sisters have moved all over the country and world. My in laws never took me in, not like in the old days when we might literally share a house and become a new family...now we don't speak anymore. XW and I are no longer speaking unless functionally for the children.
And my children...the family that makes me feel so grounded...they will move out shortly and scatter across the globe to pursue their own concept of life soon enough. Sure they'll keep in touch. But they won't be learning the family trade and working side by side like 100 years ago. Their lives will be going different directions.
So in my dream, I saw all of this but much more clearly, and I saw that relationships were going extinct. Not real, permanent, relationships that persevere through years and tragedy. But simply short term co-habiting that inevitably ends with a diagnosis of one's spouse and a trite declaration of our entitlements.
The hell of it is I'm not an exception to this. I am caught in this culture too. I too don't want to settle, or end up with something less than what the Jones's have according to the latest blog. I don't want to be trapped in a sexless marriage with a passive aggressive woman that shows disdain for me because I am not the same as her dad was to her mom, and so I too may not remarry because why should I? I don't need to partner up to raise children or pay my bills. Since the relationship I want isn't out there, why would I settle for a temporary partnership that ends with someone asking why they should settle?
Oh, I know, some people will say 'there's someone out there that is this, or that is that'. No, there isn't. That's the story our society keeps telling ourselves as we continue to click the next online dating profile looking for our winning lottery ticket. The fact is that everyone is a winning lottery ticket if we could learn that the grass is greener where we water it, and that it's better to accept what we have than get what we feel we deserve.
I woke up and was ok with all of this. The world is different. Times are definitely changing. Doesn't mean that the connections we have aren't still real. Doesn't mean that the 5 year relationships we have don't still have some meaning. And in the end it will all be washed away. And there are some upsides. What we lose, the shared history of someone you grow old with and that will be there with you until death...that is replaced with the convenience of not having stress and conflict in our lives. And of having the perpetual hope that our self growth and wisdom and new aged perspective will somehow reward us with what we crave, when truly we no longer have the character we need to even take what we crave and what has been in front of us all along. But we will be entertained by netflix, and we will have nice speakers in our satellite radios, and we will have online friends to comfort each other about our depression.
Thank you DB family. You are as much of a family as exists anymore. I could begrudge the loss. Or I can celebrate that you are there at all.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
You might enjoy Elizabeth Gilbert's book, 'Committed', where she explores the concept of marriage, which she was terrified of trying a second time. I liked it a lot (she also wrote 'Eat, Pray, Love', which I haven't read). She talks about some of these concepts that you touch on.
Yesterday, I had dinner with a lovely friend (we sing in a choir together) who is in her 60's. She struggles almost every day with extreme loneliness and sadness in her M, which has now lasted 48 years. After the children moved out, she thought she and her H would enjoy life and travel. He got heavily involved in other activities and refused to travel anywhere, and she ended up feeling very, very lonely. She cries frequently over it (and I know how she feels, it's a constant rejection and grief). She told me she wished she had the guts to leave years ago, but feels it is too late now. She fills her life with activities and friends, but it is obvious that it she is suffering. And he's not even abusive...
Just wanted to put that out there... How can we deny the expectations we have been brought up with, of our partner being a source of love and not just a roommate or business partner?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I like your post. Maybe what we crave wasn't destroyed by our individualism. Maybe it just doesn't exist in this world at all. That's my take away.
But I really like this post. It's nice to be reminded that everyone suffers. Somehow that helps. Just gotta enjoy what we do have, and be grateful that our pain isn't eternal.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I don't want to be trapped in a sexless marriage with a passive aggressive woman that shows disdain for me because I am not the same as her dad was to her mom, and so I too may not remarry because why should I? I don't need to partner up to raise children or pay my bills. Since the relationship I want isn't out there, why would I settle for a temporary partnership that ends with someone asking why they should settle?
Oh, I know, some people will say 'there's someone out there that is this, or that is that'. No, there isn't.
Ok, Zues, Sunny took the bait. Of course there is. How can you be on this site and not see that there are still people out there that believe in life-long M?
I went to my IC yesterday for the first time in months. I hadn't seen her since my D was final, so we talked about that some and dissected some feelings around it. There was a point where I said that I still believed Mr. P took the convenient way out and that had he and I both fought for our M, it could have worked out. My IC was surprised that I'd say that, not because she didn't think the M could be saved, but she knows I'm actually happier now than I was in my M. And yet, I was sitting there saying I'd fight again to save it. Yes, Zues, there is someone out there. I'm one.
I don't know guys. I think there might be some kicking and screaming from a few that hold out, but the world is changing. Look into this article:
Meet The World’s Most Loving Girlfriends — Who Also Happen To Be Video Games 01/21/2014 05:12 pm ET | Updated Jan 25, 2014
I looked this up after hearing that the Japanese population is falling off as is marriage, as tens of thousands are now openly dating virtual girlfriends. This is becoming culturally accepted and normalized.
I don't know what things will look like in 20 years. Artificial intelligence is the next step from the cyborg like facebook/iphone world we live in already. Computers can do math better than any human, they can play chess better than any human. Who's to say they won't make better partners around the corner?
I'm not sure which guy I am. I may be the remarry and stay married for life guy. Or I may be the guy that shrugs and accepts the direction the world is moving and watches movies on the weekend with a virtual wife. I doubt it...but at this point I don't know what to think.
As for the woman that wanted to be partnered with Zues, I had a wife and marriage. She decided Zues and marriage wasn't for her. It's gone. I'm not having more kids. I'm not going to get those years back. And if years and family and vows can't hold the relationship together, I certainly can't. I just think it's phasing out. And I don't have room in my heart to fight it anymore.
But them's just my feelings talking. I still long for a human connection...or do I? Here I am on a Friday night, typing to you all by myself in my bedroom. Just not very interested in meeting new people. I like to shoot pool. I like to play chess. I do my job. I know I'm a real person because I have to pay taxes. Maybe I'm already gone.
We'll see. Time will tell. Thanks for chatting y'all!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
