Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
Hey Zues, nice to see an update.

Originally Posted By: Zues126
Only bad news is I'm still sore, they had "parent vs kid" dodgeball and I had to play in all divisions because I had 3 kids with me...I forgot that I'm a bit out of shape, and as you can imagine being so competitive I was not one to stand in the back. I was darting and rolling and throwing and charging, I wiped out and bruised the heck out of my knee and leg on the gym floor, and I woke up yesterday and could barely stand up. I am still in agony.
This made me laugh. I would have paid to see that.


Originally Posted By: Zues126
In the end I'd like to eliminate somewhere between 99.999%-100% of all potential partners. I say that with no disrespect to the women on this board.
Zues, I don't see anything disrespectful about that. I delete the vast majority of inquiries that come my way. That's one of the benefits of online dating, you filter out the dealbreakers quickly. That has nothing to do with anyone here on the boards.

Glad you are well, having fun with your kids, being you. Keep it up.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
I am very relieved you are being so selective Zues.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 986
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 986
Hey Zuessy. You have been on my mind for the last few days, not entirely sure why, can't make head nor tail of it really. There is something about the absence of your voice frome the boards, that disconcerts me somewhat. I don't say that with any intent or expectation that it would prompt you to do anything other what you do for you and your good heart. It is likely more a self reflection on maybe there is something I am wanting to ask and have anwsered by you. For the life of me I have no idea what it would be. I did give some thought to maybe I have something to extend to you, but nope coming up with nada there too. I guess there is some comfort in seeing someone around the halls who you know and trust and is sweet smile and casual wink and no words are said, but yet a knowing and understanding that everything is fine between you. Maybe is evolution this place brings that you realise the impermnance of things and people and in the silence of no longer hearing their voice you realise that once again life has had its way with you. You make a small quiet gasp and the recognition of it and feel the loss and then bloster oneself to the next step into this intrepid journey.

I have had lots of endings and loss around me within the last few weeks. Talk of loss, experience of loss, death, change.

Ahhh it starts to make sense why I am thinking of you and your very quiet voice, your silence.

I wonder what will happen the day there you are not there to reach out to.

Thanks for letting me share. First time I have felt the desire to post in weeks.


Much love my friend

Jellyxxx

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Zues126 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
JB, I have been horrible to leave your post hanging out there. I told you on your thread a few weeks ago I was trying to get my head around what I wanted to say. Again, it's taken me time to really find the right words.

Maybe it's because we're introverted. I'm very much so. I don't connect with many people, if it looks like I do it's really the outer me that's going through the motions. Make no mistake, I engage with people, am very present, and find joy in those little interactions even at the drive through, or just giving someone directions. But my inner self is by myself. I don't share my inner self with many people. It's not that I don't open up, I think people can tell I'm not shy about who I am...I guess it's just that most people don't put the same premium on what those connections mean. It's kind of sad that they are so fleeting. I think that's why I am such an advocate for marriage, to me it was the one commitment and connection that should be separated only by death, but reading these forums proves that's not the world we live in. Things just don't last forever, and us valuing them doesn't keep others from diminishing their value, and it certainly doesn't keep time from passing and the years to eventually take it all away.

It sounds like I'm depressed when I talk this way, but I don't feel depressed. I feel more at peace and happier than ever. I feel like I've come closer to accepting some things that on the surface seem pretty dark.

Like on your thread, you're talking about your body, your feelings of insufficiency, and your concern about whether you'll be effective in a relationship. Everyone else is all "oh, you can get in great shape", or "there's someone out there that will love you the way you are", etc. And to a point those are positive beliefs, law of attraction, controlling what you can control, all of this stuff. As a competitor I'm all about using my white magic to manifest my will in the universe.

But at the same time, there are some hard truths. Some women remain single all of their lives. Not every woman makes peace with their body, and not every woman finds a man that's undiscriminating. And if you do, there's no guarantee that he'll be good to you, care for you, or remain true to you. What makes us think it will end up better for us? Shoot, I never thought I'd be on a divorce forum, and I thought the stuff my ex did was stuff that happened to other people. Now I get this is our world.

So when you express your fears and doubts, I can't give you much of a pep talk. All I can say is "yup, that's the world we live in". But while that's hard at first, it's only hard if we cling to false ideas of how the world works. If we convince ourselves that the world should be fair, that we should be the exception to the rule because we're us and so we should be fulfilled in every way, and so on...then we're going to be very disappointed. If we can accept that there's a chance that we might be single for the rest of our lives, be a bit lonely and sad, battle self doubt indefinitely, and wrestle with the loss of not having the relationships and life that we felt we wanted...well, that's ok. Because that opens us up to enjoying the life we DID get. And however crippled it may seem at time, it is still special. And however painful it may be, there are miracles to be appreciative of, and we can take solace in knowing that it won't last forever.

But anyway, to your post, I will just say this. I remember the day you joined the forum. I remember reading your first post. I remember you posting on my thread and getting to know you. It was a tough road we were on, but I couldn't have asked for better companions along the way.

You're right. I'm torn on these forums. It has weighed me down to see the deterioration of marriage. I'm still grieving for mine, and each new poster, each new WAS is a ripple of pain to me. At times I feel like giving up and just accepting that marriage doesn't work, just waiving the flag and letting the army of pro-divorcers win the war. It makes me so sick I can hardly stand to look at it. And I am trying to accept that part of our world, and not let it interfere with the joy I have in my life.

But as I said, I still have to control what I can. I still have to speak my voice. I have had a few posters tell me that I've inspired them. Maybe by my posts on their threads. And maybe the same stubbornness that frustrates some inspires others. Others like me that are near the breaking point, that then say "there's at least ONE person out there that feels the way I feel". And so I will keep posting. So of all the things that you have done for me, encouraging me to keep speaking my heart is probably the most meaningful to me JB. If my posting here also prolongs the time we share on this journey, that's awesome. But while it may not last forever, know that there is no one that could value the fleeting overlap in our journeys any more than I do.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 210
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 210
wow
Puts it all into perspective, most posts deal with pieces and you have to try and gather these pieces and put them together.
You have a understanding that encompasses the whole, not just the fragments.
Your philosophy not only covers our sitches, but life in general.
I hope you keep posting, we are all the better for it.
Thank You.


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
I think Zues, I used to feel the same.

The waves of pain and hurt of the LBS.

I guess I detached, I think it's because the journey of the LBS has its rewards and it's healing. It is about a new dawn.

It is about resurrection, in general I see the LBS with the connection and shift, I read that despite the pain they emerge better parents, better lovers, better friends, more capable of healthy R, and a new M.

It is very very rare that the wayward (not walk away) has the better journey. And I am unconvinced that there is happiness in this.

So here in Newcombers there is higher turnaround, more pain, more dis pair, more personal journey, and big big secret that you already know, progress and ultimately healing.

I find it encouraging and enlightening plus truly inspiring to be part off that journey. What a privilege and an honour. You more than most here have been consistent and loving in your posts. I have different views often, softer and more marshmallow, but my lovely Zues says it as it is.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Zues126 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Thanks V. Funny you say that, I hit a milestone last week in that my IC basically ended our therapy. I've seen him for just over 4 years now, sometimes every 6-8 weeks, othertimes every 2 weeks when things were at their worst. He talked about when you know therapy was over. How it's not that I don't have problems, but that I'm working through them well on my own. That I'm not feeling better after sessions and then gradually worse, and trying to 'make it to the next session'. That I have developed a pretty grounded way of navigating through my life. And that while talking with a therapist never hurts, and that he hopes I drop him a line sometime and that he's there if I ever him he's around...he thinks it's ok to wrap it up.

What I want the newbies to understand is this- I began therapy 2 years before BD. Our M was terrible for years before BD so I started therapy to try to work on myself. I was at the end of the rope, depressed, and ready to throw in the towel on life.

In other words, my problems didn't start with BD. My problems started because I was looking for more from my M than it was built to provide, and I thought that was the source of my unhappiness. BD was just the natural progression of a horrible marriage. While I wasn't able to save the M, I was able to extract myself from the depths of the hell I was in.

I have regrets that the M couldn't be salvaged in the process. No personal growth, no future relationship, nothing can replace what is lost in a M. For that reason I encourage all of you to stand by your M. For while my M is lost, I am profoundly grateful I walked the road I did. First is obviously because as I've said, I've never done better in my own life than I have lately. But just as importantly, I have a clean conscience about the death of my M. I never am plagued with doubts about what could've happened if I had stood by my M another year, or had addressed the problems that contributed to the breakdown of my M, etc.

Other than that not much to report. Lots of good family, work, and pool stuff. Got the kids into another chess tournament, they had a ton of fun. Visited with my mom who was in town. Oh, and D8 is now D9 on 3/9, so I had a very memorable present...my mom suggested it and contributed this for her part of the present...we rented her a limo, and dressed up with me in a suit and her in a nice dress, then we had the limo take us for a tour through minneapolis, then to the mall of america for a little shopping, some rides, and a dinner at the rainforest cafe. It was a very special daddy-daughter date. And I gave her a necklace for her birthday. It was cool, I've never been in a limo before, and it was just the right touch to make it an experience she'll never forget. Then we took her brother and sister around the block so they didn't feel entirely left out.

Anyway, I could report more, but the point is that everything is good on my end. I appreciate all of you for helping me through my darkest hour, and am praying for all of you still fighting through each day. Be strong and live in a way you'll be proud of looking back. That's the best choice.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
Zues, I love your daddy-daughter date. That warms my heart. smile

Congrats on outgrowing your IC. I haven't seen my IC in a few months, but I have an appointment next week. I think I want to check in with her since my D is final and since I'm trying to navigate a tricky dating situation. I wish I'd had her as a resource years ago, it just never occurred to me to do so.

Keep up the good life, Zues.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 770
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 770
Originally Posted By: Zues126
Be strong and live in a way you'll be proud of looking back. That's the best choice.


Zues - thank you for sticking with us newcomers. Your feedback and advice are incredibly helpful and direct. And I am so glad that you share your story of coming out the other side a better version of yourself and being happy. I am grateful you still take the time to help us.

I love the daddy/daughter date - how wonderful! Hope you continue to be happy and make wonderful memories with your kids!


M 44 H 46
M 20yrs T 25 yrs
S15 S12

ILYBINILWY 7/18/15
Move to MBR 9/8/15
Physical Separation 10/10/15
Suspect A 8/2015
Confirm A 12/27/15
D filed by H 2/2/16
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Zues

If you are around and posting I have some struggles with anger. Would you visit my thread and give me your opinion?

As always it's ok to say no V.

Thanks

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard