The Start of my Happiness 2

[Tyler12]

Do I give W a list of the 1/2 of debt I have covered for her? Or wait until I know if she has been paid.
I feel like I should give her a list of what and how much. I'm not expecting it all up front but instalments would nice

[trumpet]

Tyler,

From my seat, you didn't take a step back. She talked to YOU, right? How did you end up looking? Like a good guy, a listener? That's the essence of DB'ing!

If she had to cut the conversation short, something happened, no biggie. When you BOTH have the opportunity to end the conversation, doing it first is advantageous.

I think you keep the debt list until she has been paid. At least she'll have something to give you when you present the debt. Asking now, when she's already stressed about money, would be asking for trouble.

[Tyler12]

Thanks trumpet. After thinking about it a bit I thought. What is going to be the outcome of me giving her this list? Will it be positive for me? The answer is no. Not right now. After last nights reaction that was mention of it. Giving her actual numbers would be counter-productive at this point.
Thanks for the support on te talk last night. I think it felt off to me because I have been limiting talk and then it was a pleasant talk.

And today has been good. She texted me a few times after the little guy being sick that she wasn't feeling good either and had thrown up in her bosses house.
I didn't really feel a need to reply but I will say something when I see her about wishing her to feel better.

I was starting to think no one was reading my thread anymore! Lol. Thanks trumpet. Last I read things are better in your world. I have to catch up later tonight. But it was positive last I saw. Keep up the good work!

[Tyler12]

Interesting interaction tonight with W.

We met at the gas station we always do. I was earlier than her so when she pulled up I got out to see the boys. They were all smiles and we were very happy to see each other.
W asked if I would mind taking little one in to change his diaper and I said no problem. S3 wanted to come too and I was happy to take them both in for a bathroom break. W started moving car seats over and bags for the boys.

After she gave them a kiss and hug I was just waiting by my car door and she came up to talk. She had said earlier that she "felt like death" and had been throwing up today. When she came up I said. I know you said you feel like death, you don't look like it tho. And just smiled.

She just smiled and told me she had got a breakfast sandwich somewhere and it didn't agree with her. That she had felt awful since. I listened and worked on my eye contact. We said goodbye and I said I hope you feel better.
Before she got in her car I said. Oh, and thank you for driving to meet with the boys even though you aren't feeling well. I appreciate it. This was something she said was part of the problem with us. She didn't feel I appreciated her and the things she did. So that gave her a big smile and we got into our vehicles to leave.

I rolled down S3 window so he could wave and when I looked over at her she was crying into the wheel. I couldn't just leave, so I got out and asked her if she was ok. She said she was just tired. I said, I know you have worked a lot this week, I hope you can use these next few days to get some rest and feel better. Drive safe. I will let you know when we get home.

That was it. What struck me as odd was her crying. I know she said she was just tired and I get that she may be. It just seems like a strange time for that let down to be released. And the way she looked over at me almost seemed to trigger the crying. Maybe I'm just wanting to see something from nothing. If I am it's just to see how she is. Not in the hopes that anything is changing, I have pretty much accepted that I have to do my thing.
I just am not sure why it seemed like a thing to me. Anyone else ever feel like they pick up other people's emotions? Like I said. I'm probably looking for something from nothing

[Tyler12]

Having a good day with the kids today. It gets a little boring when one of the smaller 2 are having naps tho. Limits what we an do and we seem to be doing our own things. Which is good too. Probably going to go visit my parents this afternoon for the kids. Personally I have no desire to see them, the kids deserve to see grandparents tho

[sandi2]

It's not strange at all. She is seeing some of the consequences of her choices.........watching her family drive away without her. Being sick and tired, she couldn't fight it off as well as if she ready to go out and party.

[Tyler12]

Thanks Sandi. I guess it's a bit comforting to know it's not all rainbows and sunshine on the other end.
So is this something I leave for her to deal with? Let her come to me?
Just put it out of my mind and live my life. Let her deal with it?

[Zues126]

I was starting to think no one was reading my thread anymore!

Still here

So is this something I leave for her to deal with?

Yes

Let her come to me?

Or let her not come to you and drop those expectations

Just put it out of my mind and live my life. Let her deal with it?

Yes


Really I think you would've been better not turning back when she started crying. Let it sink in. Instead you force her to prove to you that she is still set on this path so she doesn't give you false hope.

As a LBS you have two choices- you can hurt things, or you can leave them alone. NOTHING you do makes it better. Best thing is to leave it the heck alone. Any involvement in her journey backfires.

[Tyler12]

Or let her not come to you and drop those expectations

I am working on this. Part of me still has hope she is going to stop this. It comes and goes. I am finding it's worse when I have the kids. I'm reminded of family, of happier times. I'm going to keep working on this.

Really I think you would've been better not turning back when she started crying. Let it sink in. Instead you force her to prove to you that she is still set on this path so she doesn't give you false hope.

I am still effected by her showing sadness or guilt and crying because of it. I am able to look past anger. I guess her tears made me think I could make things better somehow. And that is another part you mentioned Zeus. Making it better isn't one of my 2 options.

[sandi2]

Thanks Sandi. I guess it's a bit comforting to know it's not all rainbows and sunshine on the other end.
So is this something I leave for her to deal with? Let her come to me?
Just put it out of my mind and live my life. Let her deal with it?

Trust me when I say that it is definitely not all rainbows and sunshine on her end. And b/c it isn't, her emotions will be all over the place. She may appear to be excited and happy one minute and crying the next.

Of course it is difficult for you to observe, b/c you still love her. It is only natural to want to comfort those we love when we see them hurting. For men who are fixers, they have that strong desire to fix what's wrong in the W's life. I hope you will believe me when I tell you that if you try to comfort, reassure, or fix what's bothering your WW..........you will repeat the pain again. She has to experience these moments where she can actually "see" part of the results of her own decisions. If those results are cushioned by you (the betrayed), then more callous grows in the wayward wife. For example, if you had gotten out of the car, went to her and put your arms around her and told her everything would be alright...........she would quickly cast aside the picture of her family driving away. She would feel better b/c you reassured her, so she would escape into her wayward fantasy further. However, with you calmly driving off with her little boy waving bye to her, she has to drive that road back to her place, uncomforted, and alone with her thoughts to question if seeking her happiness is worth this price tag she just witnessed.

It usually takes more than just this one-time event to stick in her heart deep enough to cause her to measure her losses and decide to do the right thing. The WW may test her LBH to see if he's still invested in the M. Most men mistakenly think they should let her know they still want to work it out. They see this "test" as her reaching out to the LBH, and their own fear collapses the opportunity to confirm her concern.......which is that she may be lossing the best man, her H, and it was all due to her stupidity. If he does not cave to her tears, sexual advances, or her woes, then she is much more likely to want him back enough to start swimming her way back toward him. She starts to see him in a more attractive light. She feels remorse for the awful things she's done to him. She is humbled. His forgiveness would be a gift to her.....but she realizes she doesn't deserve it. (I could go on & on.)

So, yes, you let her deal with her own sh't. She made the mess, so she needs to put on her big girl panties and clean it up. If you try to do it for her, she will act just like a spoiled child who has parents who never lets him fall down and he never learns to walk. Sure, no parent likes to see their baby fall down, but they understand it is necessary in order for her to stand and to walk.

It is for her sake and the good of the MR that she comes to you. It may take a couple of years before she works through this stuff. My advice is for you to make your life the best that you can without her. Let her go, and let her find her way back to you. You don't have to stop loving her. If you want to give her time, that's fine. But don't let her know that's what you are doing. Don't just sit around with your life on hold. You don't have to give up hope. Just let her go for now. B/c...........the WW senses when the LBH has truly dropped the rope.