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HaWho Offline OP
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You know it's bad when Job, who has seen it all, calls your h "unique."

LOL . . .


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
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Oh God you crack me up. I love the fantasy of "there, there" Unique for sure. Question, describe what your H was like prior to BD ? Who is the real Mr. Hawho?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Hi Mleigh. Well, he was fun, very funny, honest, didn't sweat the small stuff and he had nicknames for everyone and they stuck. At work, everyone soon called people the nicknames he gave them. In fact people called themselves the nicknames he gave them! My username here is how his nickname for me sounds but it is spelled differently for anonymity.

He was very principled. I met him through work and he was very successful and very well liked. I once heard a client of his trying to cut out a third party to their deal and give significantly more $ to my h. Not only did he turn that down he called the third party and told them not to work with that guy. He had an excellent reputation which only made him more successful.

Early on, he had a music demo on the radio and a record company wanted to sign him. He turned them down because he didn't want to parade around performing in concerts plus he really loved working in business.

He loved cities, reading history, watching movies and watching basketball & football (but only hometown teams). He was quirky, but mostly in endearing ways. For example, he never wore jeans, insisting they were just a fad?!? (I joked they were about as much of a fad as cars are!)

He was a classic distancer and on the emotionally immature side, being somewhat emotionally avoidant. All this makes sense given how reactive his mother was.

What he is good at, he is very good at and what he is bad at he is very bad at. There is not much in between. He is very numbers and business orientated but not handy or mechanically inclined. One year he could not figure out how to make the Christmas tree stand so he tied it to the curtain. No joke! He could not have installed that stove properly. But he could do very high level math in his head with no paper and pencil.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
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HaWho Offline OP
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So h is peeking out a bit more again.

He's emailed me a bit. One about making cheaper international calls to my sister. That was kind of him, except we've been skyping for free for years now. He used to know that.

Several days ago he sent me a video clip of Whitney Houston singing the national anthem, in awe of her voice. I emailed back agreeing and then said it was sad how she threw herself away. And her daughter inherited her mess. After I sent it, I realized maybe that came across as PA, but I actually find it hard to listen to her voice; it's just sad. It just so happens the advice applies to MLCers, too.

Yesterday was h's birthday. Each year I hide the kids' presents around the house and make them do a present hunt. Things have been in the freezer or oven-ridiculous places! The hunt is always more fun than the gifts. So I told the kids to hide h's presents. He died laughing when he came out of the dorm room and was told he had to do a present hunt. He said he was so old he wouldn't even be able to see the presents. I almost said: who receives a present hunt was based on mental age. He did laugh through it all and even wanted "hot and cold" clues just like I give the kids. He seemed genuinely appreciative for a nice day.

At dinner on his birthday he told the kids that this Subday they need to help him dig up a few of the flower boxes and plant with him. He used to take such pride in the home. This is the first time he has expressed an interest in so long. Let's see if he remembers. Still, it is nice to see in the moment that he has this interest again even if by Sunday he is back to being bonkers.

As for me, I felt this big chunk of anger break off this week. I am not sure why, but it just happened suddenly. I have been going through the old m and looking at my part and what I could have done differently. For sure I am not perfect. But in hindsight, things really became so ridiculous.

Job, if you are reading you will shake your head. But leading up to BD my h was seriously mad about the stupidest things: when I made sunny side up eggs but the yokes broke, when I forgot to buy him certain things at the grocery store, when I made x for dinner. Increasingly, making him happy was a fast moving target. No sooner would I change the things that I made him for dinner and then he would declare he didn't eat those things anymore! Once he pitched a fit because I didn't buy him his pita wraps. A whole tantrum over it. I was really close to stocking up pita wraps all over the house: in his nightstand, his medicine cabinet, his glove compartment, etc. But he was monstering then so I don't think he would have gotten the message I was sending.

So I stand back and see that he was paving the way for BD. I of course became increasingly resentful over all this. Even in the letter he didn't say: I don't respect you or like your personality, etc. In fact he didn't have even one complaint about who I am as a person. He just wants me to be 18 again, that's all! Easy peasey!

I think about what I should be doing better right now. I know over the summer I tried gentle touches and small acts of service and that got me the letter! So it became clear he really has a lot of work to do to on himself. (I have work to do on me too but at least I don't send people obnoxious letters.). The point is his wish list is so ludicrous that he is just better off finding a younger woman. And as stated before, I don't to be with a guy who treats me like I beat animals because I am am not 20 anymore.

Something that is very different is he is doing small acts of service for me for the first time in a long tine. He turned my seat warmer on for me in the car. As I was walking up to the car, he leaned over and opened my door for me. He shared his food again. I validate and say thank you.

I wonder if it is time to reciprocate a small act here or there? I just don't want to open the door to him wanting to talk about the relationship as that usually brings up weirdo letter-like conversations.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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HaWho,
I think it's time to do a lab experiment. Try doing a couple of nice things for him and see if he laps up the kindness or if he retreats to the dorm room.

I think he's thawing out a bit and the more he does in the way of things for you or around the home, be sure to thank him and tell him that you appreciate the work he's done. They need a lot of affirmation and attention and it sounds like he's just about ready for some "killing him w/kindness".

If something doesn't work, try something different...but keep those acts of kindness very simple w/no expectations.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Ok. I agree Job. Thank you. I just hope he doesn't draft another one of those stupid letters.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
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So I am starting to show some low level acts of kindness towards my h. It's only been a few days but it does not seem to be scaring him off. He seems surprised, which is fair as I think I seem the same when he does kind things towards me. I will continue and see what he does he gets over the surprise of it.

Friday night both kids went to friends' houses. Whenver this happens, I also go out to give h a hearty helping of alone time.

A few days ago H asked if we all wanted to take a ferry to an island near here. We left early this am. There were many small differences in h. His parking ticket for the ferry lot came with a free coffee at a nearby cafe on the way to the boat. He gave it to me (he doesn't drink coffee) and seemed interested in making sure we found it. The line was long but he was patient. He did however find a shorter line in a different part of the cafe and led me there! Anyway, big difference from pre-BD where h would have been so annoyed if I stopped for coffee.

On the boat there were 3 seats on one side and 3 on the other. I sat with the kids but offered to switch so he could sit with the kids: very small act of kindness. He opted to stay on his side. I also sent him a picture of our view of the ocean so he could compare it with his side, ha ha. He wrote back: very different (with a smiley face).

Then he got up and left his seat. He came back with mimosas for us. I thanked him and told him several times that it was very good.

As we approached the island I told him I couldn't see it. He told me to go to the side and lean waaaay over. I laughed and said I was sure that was a fantasy of his. Months ago I would have seethed when I said this, but I saw the humor in it today. Big difference in me.

At one point he made a joke that was a private joke between us with a sexual overtone. I ignored that completely: didn't react but did look out the window. I don't think he was flirting. I think it was like a short circuit/knee jerk reaction.

Towards the end of the ride he was sitting with the kids and they were looking at a magazine of things to do on the island. He asked if I wanted to sit with them. I said yes and as I walked past h he guided me through with his hand on my back. Hmm. Big difference with the gentle touch but also just him being okay with me being in his space.

H joked several times and seemed to be very much like his old self. He was funny and engaging. At the end of the day I thanked him for a great day. The kids did the same. I am trying to affirm and validate more.

As soon as he walked in the door he was back into the dorm room.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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HaWho,
Sounds like all of you had a good day. It's going to take time, but his moments of clarity are really starting to become a bit longer. He may run back to the dorm room for a bit, but I bet he'll come out again and do things in a short span of time. Maybe it's time to make some cookies! LOL! After all, they are kids at heart and just love sweets.

I think you are doing a wonderful job! Keep up the good work and be sure to continue to dig for more patience.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Sounds really good! Did you go to Catalina island? I am jealous if you did. I am glad you are trying some new things out. I think of Cali's words, to treat it like a science experiment. It can't hurt. Seems your H is being kind too.

By the way, I liked your description of your H prior to Bday, thanks for doing that. They become so different here, it's nice to remember who they were smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
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Hi Mleigh - yes I was in Catalina island. I have always wanted to see it! I enjoyed it very much. The weather was beautiful and it was an all around nice day.

And yes, they change so very much in MLC, it is hard to remember that core person. I have changed a lot, too though. I have applied DBing to my work and my relationship with my MIL. I have a very PA boss (used to have a GREAT boss). By that way, that book on PA men you recommended has come in VERY handy with my boss! Thank you for recommending it! I have learned how to diffuse him and it is comical to watch.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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