Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
I moved out at BD and went to stay with my parents for a bit, hoping we might resolve things. H never seemed to want to do that and the A continued. I stayed with my parents for 4/5 months and then rented my current flat. I'm in a nice town in the Midlands and pay £600/month for a 2 bed flat.

We also have a city flat in London which H is using and he may well buy that with funds from the D settlement. The D costs may be significant, so I would take your W up on that offer. Mine look to be working out around the £2.5k mark - ours is an uncontested D, filed by H and we have no kids together.

For your solicitor, I would prepare a sheet of a4 - some bullet points of your circa - how long M, kids ages, house status etc. On that sheet, if you can list your key assets too. All of this can save time during a half hour free consult and they can keep your crib sheet too.

Ask away - I'm happy to help (not that I know much!!) xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
This is a surprising turn of events, bearing in mind she was gushing about your Christmas gifts. What is she suggesting your behaviour has been unreasonable about?


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
Sotto - thanks for the info and advice.

Yes I will get together a sheet of A4 with details.

Huddy - the straw that broke the camels back was her finding my journal, realising I had snooped on her and took photographs as evidence. She called me the enemy in the house. It gave her the excuse she needed to push for the final separation and D, then when I refused to move out, she said she had no choice but to file for a D.

She her fathers funeral on the 14th we haven't sat together in the evening, although I have been away for 8 nights

The List of Unreasonable behaviour is always exaggerated, and distorted by the lawyers to convince the court that there has been UB and that they should grant the D.

In fact the list is 9 reasons: three relate to the first 12 and a half years of marriage.
Nine relate to the last 3 months since BD and make reference to accusing her of having affairs with a family friend and taxi driver, snooping through her personal effects, accessing her emails, and FB account.

It's a load of tosh but still extremely hurtful to see it written down on official documents which will be used in court.

For the first 12.5 years there wasn't much at all in the documents. Supposedly I became withdrawn and miserable, I didn't support her during the second pregnant by not helping round the house, and I demanded appreciation for the things that I did do. Total bollocks.


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
So what I'm hearing is:

WAW created a narrative in which you are a monster and she had no choice than to leave, then she had her lawyer express that to justify the divorce.

None of this has anything to do with you. Find the grains of truth in WAW's spew that you can use for YOUR benefit and personal growth, make any changes you want to make for you, and keep walking forward.

I don't mind a few imaginary conversations in which you scream at WAW and tell her why she's wrong, how unfair she's being, etc. Just realize that she doesn't really believe what she's saying anyway, she's just repeating her story to herself to help get through her pain. She may never let go of that story, but that doesn't make it true.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
WAW created a narrative in which you are a monster and she had no choice than to leave, then she had her lawyer express that to justify the divorce.

Hi Zeus. - yes in essence. W and I had a painful Friday evening when I expressed the hurt I felt at the particulars - I know I shouldn't according to DB.

I said it was half-truths, exaggeration, distortion, lies, and misrepresentation. W said yes that is what the lawyers do. But remember she told them the bare 'facts' of the narrative and they exaggerated it. She had to agree with what was written.

She said there was some truth in all the points and talked about me not helping around the house and wanting appreciation for doing the grocery shopping during her second pregnancy. This was 9 years ago and conveniently forgets that I have done 90% of the grocery shopping in the last 5 years as well as 75% of the laundry. We have had a cleaner one day per week for the last 4-5 years so W doesn't do any housework except tidy away and fill the dishwasher.

All good things in the M are washed away by the Lawyers spew.

I was upset by the particulars and W got upset because she could see how hurt I was. We had a hug, both of us in tears, and me saying that I had tried so hard to make things work. She replied that she knew that, and the M was not all bad and there were many good times.

Not good DBing, but that's the way it went.

The M is lost, I have given up hope, I want a fair and just settlement, but I won't drive the bus.

I will probably move out in the next few weeks - there is a chance of a 2-bed apartment owned by a friend - so I might get a cheap deal until my financial settlement comes through.


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
Oh yes, I forgot to mention - she was worried that I would use the evidence of her having cocaine in the house and using cocaine against her in court. That she could lose her career and reputation. She works in a medical field and could get struck off if her professional body found out.

NB it was a very small amount and given to her by a 'friend' . She admitted she was going 'off the rails' that weekend , her father terminally ill with days/weeks to live, her birthday, the incident with the taxi driver, the cocaine, the waterproof mascara, the wanton destructive drunkeness..

Using the cocaine use against her in court never crossed my mind. I took pictures of it to see whether she was using or not - that was all.


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
Cocaine - in a house with kids in it and you're being unreasonable? I would keep that card up your sleeve, for now, in case it gets nasty. What kind of 'friends' are they anyway? And so it'll affect her career - well, she's got to take responsibility for her own actions. Next she'll be saying that your actions made her take it. Madness, pure madness.

I think sandi2 would say that she has gone beyond wayward. If the only real complaint is about you being withdrawn and not doing the shopping, that's all balljacks. You seem to be in a good place - that's good. Don't let yourself fall in to the 'if she says it's my fault, it must be' mentality. So, you don't like using toys in bed - big deal. If she'd talked to you about it, I'm sure you would have come around to the idea. It's all excuses and lies. They'll lie until they're blue in the face. Be the man, look after yourself and the kids first.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
I
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
Huddy - I've thought that my sitch could easily belong in the MLC section.

Btw she admitted to texting the taxi driver to thank him for his 'kindness' when listening to her story about her dieing Father. He then pursued her with non-flirty texts so she dropped all contact and deleted his number.

Conclusion - I was right he was a predatory taxi driver trying it on with a vulnerable female. She lied to me denying contact on several occasions.

She included the taxi driver incident in the D papers saying I accused her of having an affair with a taxi driver. I didn't . I just said wtf are you doing exchanging numbers with him.

Whatever.! I am in a good place more and more detached and in some ways looking forward to separating. I deserve more in my life. I've loved this for too long.im making a long list 50+ of activities to do With the kids - a never ending bucket list !

I intend to not get a TV in the apartment and live for each day - growing and becoming the Father I want to be.


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 603
-
Member
Offline
Member
-
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 603
Good for you Is! You sound like you're doing a great job being detached and planning for a great life with your kids. Sounds like W has gone off the deep end. I'm glad you're not letting her drag you and the kids down with her. Hopefully she will realize she needs help and gets it before it's too late.


M:45 H:48
M:11
No kids
BD:Sept'15
EA:Confirmed 1wk later
PA: Oct'15
12 '15 2 wk R
Just kidding, H wants NC
12 '15 H back w/OW
4 '15 R &still working on it
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
So, you're in a taxi and you give them your phone number? Lies, lies and more lies. You're on the money - she's up to something, however unpalatable that sounds to you, no woman, in a secure relationship, actively gives out their phone number to strangers in that situation. Fair enough, if the had been friends for a while, or he was the only taxi in the area and by exchanging numbers it guaranteed a lift when required, but no way on a one off journey. And if it got to 'flirty' stage, how long had the previous exchange been going on?

Anyway, a flat seems a good idea. I'd question, however, leaving your kids with her if drugs are in the house. I know it will cost a fortune, but I don't think you can leave that issue unchallenged. It may affect her career, but your kids health matters more. See your L and explain this to them. I think you could probably guarantee custody on this evidence.

Your W really has to snap out of this. She won't do it whilst you are protecting her, and you will protect her; this I know because I've done it as well. Being on my own has shown me how bad things had got and much of a 'slave' I had become, desperately trying to hold on to W, despite being treated like shite.

Stay strong bud!


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard