do nothing or what

[roist]

After sleep and rereading the only change I would like to make to what I posted is that instead of speaking of her as detached, checked out is a better translation of what we said.

OK I await any comments

[mutatio]

Where are you going from here? Has anything changed from this conversation. You two have a better understanding of how each of you feels, so what's the next step? You must feel better having had the discussion you wanted. What are your plans?

[roist]

Mut,

Rightly or wrongly I did not go down the solution path during our discussion so I don't know where we are going or if it has changed anything. She does seem to believe that there is no solution.I guess I would mindread that she has no romantic feelings for me but does not envisage leaving.So I guess she is trapped in a hopeless situation. For me the solution is blatently apparent and is a simple choice.But that has to come from her.

It could have gone a lot worse, that is for sure.

Going forward I hope to build on this.I will work on my talking and communicating, but as I told her it is not possible to communicate with someone who is not receptive or who is checked-out. She checked out because I couldn't talk/communicate enough. Now we have reversed roles and I gave up trying because she was checked out.

It makes sense to me to work on the three points she outlined.That is my first action from this. But I think that was the issue two years ago.Now that she is checked out perfecting those things may not make the slightest difference.

I really would like feedback on what others think, esp as to what my next steps should include.

So far today there has been no negative fallout and exchanges have been good and light.

And yes I got to say some of the stuff I thought should have been said,
so I feel better for that.

[Zephyr]

I asked her why she ignored me all night. She was very surprised by my question as she thought I was ignoring her.

Ok, this jumped out at me more than anything. Yes her seaking attention from another man for any reason other thsn platonic is not acceptable, do we know that was the case...that is up to you to decide.

You mood, especially when there is anxiety, upset mind, disappointment, whatever is still screaming to me expectations of a future, of a behavior, of desires from your wife.

This i understand. This i completely and utterly feel for you. We need to let go of the crap that is weighing you down and love and be open and be free o ths anxiety...how we do that is not easy, but it is possible.

Your wifes behavior is getting you down. So much so that it is affecting your interactions with her on a regular basis. That counteracts all of the pma and good changes you are making. Why, because it is your true self in her eyes...it is what she is expecting from you. ThAT is precisely what you need to work on. I think i gave a pedect example from my end to illustrate how this can work

One question i am going to ask you here,i dont need an answer...do you believe in your heart soul and mind that your wife is cheating on you?

Either way, you stil need to learn how to detach from her actions. I will tell you i am glad you talked to her, maybe it was unreasonable in her eyes, maybe not. Did you actually set any firm boundaries with her? Maybe something to think about as what they are.

That night i laid out my boundaries...you know which one i speak of...had a similar ring to last night for you...i have never felt better about myself. I have not given that man or any other a single thought. If my wife is going to throw away our marriage for someone else, he can have her. Will i miss her, yes. Will i grieve, yes. I will however not look back. I will not allow my deep love for her cloud the judgement to protect myself and my children.

I think that is some food for thought.
Sorry wish i had more time i have to run.
(Roiste )

[roist]

For me it is not about future expectations but moreso what is acceptable/normal in a M. Yes I have limited expectations as long as we live as a married couple.

I honestly believe there is nothing going on between them EXCEPT she can talk to him about personal stuff and not me. I am certain he only views her as a friend. What she thinks deep down I suspect is a deeper emotional link than normal friends.AAfter it is mindreading which I try to avoid.

For me that part of things was less important than having an open conversation about us, because it is US that is the real issue. I managed this chat without fear, anxiety, anger, resentment or blame. And without expectations.

It showed me that it is possible to communicate with her. But I imagine that it will take a long time for her to want more with me. Are there clues in our conversation about the best path ahead. Or other insights that someone else can see

[roist]

Limited should probably read minimal in my previous post.

No negative aftermath from conversation and may have gotten rid of some tension.
I'll post later about my residual thinking but any and all feedback would be appreciated.


The romantic/hopeful side of me thinks all is not list. Maybe one too many Hollywood films clouding my judgement.
The realistic side of me sees her hopelessness and doubts it can be turned around.

But if it ends tomorrow I got to say some stuff that should not go unsaid.

[roist]

List = lost

[mutatio]

Trust your heart roiste, if you are compelled to share some thoughts with her, you should. As you know, it takes two to tango and until shes ready to dance your words may be more for you then her. Hopefully your words, thoughts, ideas are the foundation of a new and improved relationship. Be well

[roist]

I know that if she is not interested communication will be limited. But she has never stopped me talking or bringing up anything. She may not be fully giving at times but she has never kicked me to touch. That being said she rarely asks me anything about me or my day or my work etc. The lack of interest is there.

She said at the table I don't tell about my day. But when no one shows an interest that became a habit. I have food for thought and Z mentioned some good points (I await the rest of his thoughts with impatience.!). I am no coming across as the person I am and definitely not as who I want to be. It is time to be truer to myself.

My heart wants to open thoses floodgates.

I think my W and I were unhappy about the same things. That is the frustrating part of this.I believe we want the same basic stuff but from different perspectives and now she cannot see that due to her fog. I hate using general terms like fog, but sometimes it fits.

Thanks again Mut

[roist]

I was hoping to have had some vet input before stating my verdict.

I think it was good to have done it. Timing being so late was not perfect.Looking back i may have made some mistakes. I did state I would rather seeherhappy than stuck here if she is that unhappy.I think I came across as TOO understanding of her side of things.

This is backed up by some snooping. She appreciated a lot of what with that I said even if some of it was a long time late. Some of what I said came across as recited, but I guess it has been going around my head for so long I know it by heart. Did mention that I often come across well but only last a few days. In the past i would agree. She did say that although nothing decided she thinks that I know the only solution is separation!

I know not to believe words but I do believe that she sees that as THE solution. In some situations I think it is useful for WAS to think
LBS wants to leave, in my situation i am not sure. Any opinions?

I believe I should try to keep the communication levels at an improved level. I need to try this in the friend zone. Hate that place. I have read a lot about that and have some ideas how to proceed. Any help/tips are welcome.