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#2648308 01/29/16 01:13 PM
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roar Offline OP
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hi everyone,

I’ve been lurking around here for a month or so, trying to wrap my head around my own situation. I got the ILYBNILWY from the H a few weeks ago – he’s been away for almost a year and life has been challenging the past couple of years with job changes, childrearing, etc.

We talked about the ILYBNILWY and there isn’t anyone else as far as I know. He said that he’s not happy, we were just going through the motions in our marriage and he doesn’t see a future with me. After almost 10 years, the pain is excruciating but I’m trying to GAL as much as possible and trying not to overanalyze every little thing he says.

We are a few weeks away from his return and shortly after we are moving across the country together. He wants to remain friends, wants me to live with him (mainly because of our kid) and “cares about my future”. I believe him, I don’t have a reason not to.

A few weeks ago he was wanting to try to see if we could work through it, now he’s had a change of heart after what I think was me pushing him too hard – well, pushed my agenda (fix our marriage) to hard.

We both agreed we haven’t made us a priority, and he’s told me he’d like to see if he can fall in love with me again but he doesn’t know, he’s unsure and has a lot of doubts. I feel like I keep looking for reassurance from him and he’s very good at avoiding it in attempts to avoid giving me “false hope”.

So that leads me to DB – but I’m at this place in my mind – when he does return home I see two different roads. Not bringing up the R and being myself, working on the intimacy and connection knowing that it may not work out in the long run or pulling back completely and not initiating anything on a physical level (kissing, hugging, etc). He’s told me he think’s he’ll be cold, and distant and has said that he doesn’t know if we can have a second chance because being unhappy with me again would be too much to bare.

I feel like he’s just as confused as I am, but I really wouldn’t know.

I have the DB book on the way, and have been listening to ... Torn between giving it all I’ve got even if I do get hurt more, or DB’ing.

He’s a great husband, and a great father. Great man in general and I’ve told him that. I was dealing with my own issues this year trying to figure out how to pull us out of this, I finally found a way and he drops the D bomb and ILYBNILWY. Feeling hopeless and confused, I just don’t know how to be around him when he gets back.

Last edited by Cristy; 02/02/16 10:18 AM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books/authors

29/H29
T:8/M:6
D4
Overseas JAN15-16
ILYBNILWY- DEC15
BD - JAN16
Separated - MARCH16
D Filed - MAY16
OW confirmed - JUNE16

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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roar Offline OP
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Thank you Cadet!
These have been read and are currently in practice.


29/H29
T:8/M:6
D4
Overseas JAN15-16
ILYBNILWY- DEC15
BD - JAN16
Separated - MARCH16
D Filed - MAY16
OW confirmed - JUNE16

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Welcome roar, I'm sorry your here but welcome. I lurked a long time before I started posting. Posting is very cathartic, post and keep posting even if it seems no one is responding. People will come. How many kids, their gender and ages? Years married? Does husband travel or away a lot?

All you can do is work on yourself, grow and evolve into the person you want to be. The authentic roar. Create a positive environment for you and your kid(s). Your husband has to carry his own water. You can't do this alone. How long you wait is up to you. Be well roar, be strong



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
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smile Thank you mutatio

LO is 3, special needs. He travels and will be away a lot - he returns for a few months, long enough for us to get unpacked, and leaves for another 6 or so. M 6 years and so many stressful transitions throughout.

So,
I actually slept last night - I've been sleeping 3-4 hours a night. Waking up with my heart racing, dreaming about worst case scenario. I've been working the detaching lately, just not talking about my feelings/emotions/etc. That's seemed to have helped the both of us.

H still messages me relatively often - he's cordial but it doesn't feel like it's more than that. I feel like everything is so strange for us, he's made comments like I'm his BFF, that he likes me and is attracted to me he just doesn't know if he can love me again. [[not analyzing these things anymore]]

One thing I realized this morning was I was on the road to be a WAW, I was miserable until I worked through the realization that it was ME making myself unhappy, not him and unfortunately he caught the fallout. It's kind of ironic how the tables have turned. One thing I've always been sure of is wanting to find that happy place with him again - understanding that it'll take time and work, I was willing to work WITH him as long as both of us were committed.

Now, he's said he thinks it would be better to have a clean break - but from what he's said in the past (2-3 weeks ago) he wants to see what happens when he comes back. IF he can be happy WITH me. Maybe to see IF all of my personal growth I've been working on with him away has made a difference. I don't really know.

He took his status offline in a messenger app, and I asked him if he was trying to be stealthy. He said he felt like I was tracking him, and he didn't want to be analyzed. My eyes about fell out of my head...OF COURSE I was. I just want to be included in his life...so I went full stalker mode. So shameful for me. I apologized, I really don't want him to feel that way. Ugh, sometimes I could kick myself. I know I just feel really insecure and I've been working on those insecurities a LOT.

My biggest thing going forward is focusing on my "giver" and having no expectations, no requirements for anything to be reciprocated right now - just understanding in a way that isn't cold if that makes sense. I've been so conflicted because I think if I detach fully and set boundaries, it's what he expects and possibly wants to make things easier for him. I really think he expects me to crack when he comes home and show my a--, funny thing about it is...I'm not that person anymore. Every time he would come home to visit, I never felt "ready" or like I could just be this self that I am because he would think I'm too different. Now, I'm confident in this person and much more confident than I've been about my ability to stand on my own two feet because I've grown and if he isn't accepting of it, that's really not my problem.

Learning to accept that you can't change or control people has been huge for me - I never realized how controlling I was without even realizing it. How miserable he must have been too because of me. I really blame myself for a lot of this. I wouldn't have wanted to be married to me AT ALL...I'm almost accepting of a D because of that BUT, I know there's still something there. I believe if we want to we can turn it around, and be a success story. I just have to get myself there, and let him get there himself.

Another big fear I'm letting go of is when he comes home - I don't know if he'll want to sleep in the same bed, or sleep alone. I'm trying to prepare myself for him wanting to sleep alone and truly not be hurt by it and not "punish" him for it by being pissy like I would have in the past. Still, a lot of internal work to do.


29/H29
T:8/M:6
D4
Overseas JAN15-16
ILYBNILWY- DEC15
BD - JAN16
Separated - MARCH16
D Filed - MAY16
OW confirmed - JUNE16

Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 104
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roar Offline OP
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Well...

I opened a can of worms and recovered. Last night I was packing some things and found sentimental letters, wedding stuff etc. I made the mistake of sharing it with him - just because. I said I still remember those feelings. He replied that he feels bad for those people, that everything has changed. I didn't rebuttal like I normally would have (why do you think that, feel that, etc) and I don't think he was expecting that.

I asked him where his head is at coming home - I got the same line "nothing has changed" which I just accepted and didn't mull over. We got to talking and a few things came up that surprised me and I think surprised him. I honestly felt at one point in our conversation, albeit through text, he was baiting me. He got frustrated because I told him I wanted to talk to him about something but didn't know how to bring it up. When he asked if I wanted to call and talk about it later, which was middle of the night my time, I said no - I wanted him to enjoy his night. He asked me why I would even bother bringing it up if I knew we couldn't do anything about it. I told him simply that I wanted him to know what I was thinking, because it was something that would affect him. I want to continue that honest communication with him even if I am met with some resistance (not R talk though). I told him that I understand, and I'll try to bring my concerns to him when we can find a solution to it.

I think he felt bad about that, and told me that I could talk to him and my feelings were important to him. He also brought up the fact that it didn't feel natural to him - my responses or reactions because it's not the person he knows. I told him simply, that person is gone. He inquired and I probably over explained myself. I got into it, and said what was on my heart. I hadn't been a good wife - I was controlling, bitter, nagging, critical, I'd analyze everything he said and use it against him later...constantly. That's not the person I wanted to be, but the person I became as the result of...going through some serious crap that life was throwing my way and it wasn't his fault. I think he understood and he did say he appreciated the changes that I've been making.

Which have been a lot - I feel like....wow. I'm happy with myself, and I haven't been in a long time. In the chaos I've been given a gift that forced me to woman up...and commit to these changes that I've been working on. Not just talking about it, but being about it.

He remarked that he should sign up for the new me, and not look back but he can't trust that he'll be satisfied - ie. I'll fall back into old habits and patters. I get that, I normally would have argued and said that it won't happen or whatever. His feelings. He's not here to see me in action. I think he would crap his pants if he was realizing how I'm keeping everything together without missing a beat despite feeling like my world is crumbling.

He also said...he wants to take things slow (with the D?) and take one thing at a time since we have so many transitions coming up. Gift of time was ringing in my ears. What a wonderful thing to hear.

I feel like this is it - and a few things could happen from here. We like the new each other (he's very different now too, coldish...) and work for the R together, one of us doesn't like the other person and we D, or we both agree to D.

Right now, I'm remaining hopeful but preparing myself.

I'm still working on 180s for me, but they're more in line with what I want for the M. It doesn't make sense to distance myself at this point, because I think it's something I would have done in the past and it's not in line with what I want. I was conflicted with that yesterday, what do I do with myself...around him etc. I think I'll just go with the flow, and how I feel when it comes to affection and understand that he needs to do the same and not take it personal if he is distant or pushes away.

Easier said than done for sure!

I am continuing to work on ME, just as I have been before my world blew up except now I'm implementing changes consistently. Looking good and feeling good every day, reading more, singing more, being my true self more. Not focusing so much on the past, and what's been said/done but preparing this me for the future that I want to create - for myself. Not with or without someone, but honestly a future for me. If it happens that the H and I work it out and we do share our lives together, fantastic. If not...it's a harsh reality of life and I'll be well equipped to handle it. I'm not operating in that realm of emotion anymore. Sometimes a feeling will pop up....and I am really practicing mindfulness and looking at it and asking myself it it's beneficial to me, if it's not I just let it go. *deep breaths* It usually passes, and I'm none the wiser.


29/H29
T:8/M:6
D4
Overseas JAN15-16
ILYBNILWY- DEC15
BD - JAN16
Separated - MARCH16
D Filed - MAY16
OW confirmed - JUNE16

Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
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Hey roar, stop pursuing him. Focus on YOU. Be the cordial neighbor that is friendly but not offering up the goods or being the little child holding onto his leg. It won't feel natural, but it allows the opportunity for him to miss you. If you're a guarantee, then how is he going to miss you?

You have a few weeks, right? Drop the rope and keep yourself busy with the things you listed. Getting back to you, the woman he fell in love with, is going to have the greatest impact. Don't go into explanations with him about how you've changed. Just do it!

What are your 180s? Think more so not in terms of your current M but more about what you need to change within yourself, whether it is for your current H or the next.

What goals do you have set?


M: 8.5 T:10
Me:37 W:34 S:6

Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15
Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
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Thanks Squiggy, I kind of feel like I'm a guarantee because he is back in around a week and he's keeping in consistent touch with me. Asking about my day, the house, kid etc.

Chess, sometimes this is what it feels like.

I have a long list of 180s I'll update tonight, I've been keeping a list as reminders.


29/H29
T:8/M:6
D4
Overseas JAN15-16
ILYBNILWY- DEC15
BD - JAN16
Separated - MARCH16
D Filed - MAY16
OW confirmed - JUNE16

Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 104
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roar Offline OP
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Posts: 104
Some of my 180s:
- Listen more and stop analyzing everything I'm told
- Dress nice, even at home. T-shirts and sweatpants thrown out (grannies too ;))
- Let the H figure out how to be a dad to the LO
- Refrain from talking my feelings to death - aka no R talk, if he brings it up affirm and answer briefly.

My goals are:
- Do my hair and makeup every day, for me.
- Read at night before bed, no more messaging the H
- Do something special for me at least once a week
- Do something fun with the mini me this week


I'm so confused with just how to respond to him, since he does message me. He does call too and says it's because he wants to. I'm not sure it's helping him though, it may just be something he's so used to doing. I do want him to miss me - but he has said I'm a stranger to him now. So, that's confusing. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be confused for a long time.


29/H29
T:8/M:6
D4
Overseas JAN15-16
ILYBNILWY- DEC15
BD - JAN16
Separated - MARCH16
D Filed - MAY16
OW confirmed - JUNE16

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