Wait in the home or move out?

[Flight]

This guy in a similar situation, did they still live together or sell the house, live apart, and now she is interested again?

[runn79r]

It's been a while since I've been on here but I see there is some interest in an update. As I've received a lot of insight from others I'll share in the hope it helps someone else.

Firstly I've really come to terms with the issues involving my wife's narcissism and how that plays a factor in my codependency and the strong desire I've had to stay with her. I've made so many excuses for her over the years and shouldered so much of the blame. I've come to terms with how it has blinded me and how careful I have to be in my involvement with her.

Now having said all that, at the start of January I cut her off and used the A-LRT. The prior strategy of being friends only allowed her to cake eat and her narcissistic appetite made that a bad strategy. The A-LRT caused a lot turmoil, it's made her a wreck and many times she has tried to wriggle her way back into my life. When I call her out on it she has put it on me saying she is "following my lead" (I've been friendly but distant) which is crap and I have called her out on it every time.

After three weeks it seemed she was falling apart and ready to call it off with the OM for the sake of us and our family. I was skeptical and made the terrible error of snooping through her phone (I have the password but she doesn't know I do). Huge mistake - sort of. I was getting crocodile tears and stories and meanwhile they only seem to be getting closer, planning trips etc. My anxiety went through the roof and it set me back a ton. I've learned that what was really happening was not so much heart break from hoping we would get back together, but the pain of not being able to trust someone who has been so close to me for so long. The loss of faith in humanity essentially, but I have to remember it isn't the world, just her. Any attempt by her to come back to the marriage at this point would fail because she hasn't seen the other relationship through to failure and would always have it in the back of her mind as a fall back plan. I simply won't go there.

So I'm moving on. I've looked at who she is objectively and the personal issues she has. Not just during the affair, when people don't act like themselves, but at all the unhealthy behavior over our whole relationship. I can't fix her, it's not my job to fix her, and if I don't look after myself she will drag me down and this will go on and on. I've come to terms that the only way we could ever have a healthy relationship is if she completely falls apart, gets the help she needs and completely rebuilds herself. Maybe that makes me a poor husband for not standing by her through that, I'm not sure.

So we are getting the separation agreement in place and I'm moving out and moving on with my life. Once I've had my time to heal then maybe we can have some sort of friendship that will best serve our daughter, but I will not give her an ounce of opportunity to drag me down in the meantime. She needs love and support but not at my expense. I'll always be open to the idea of rebuilding our marriage and family, but not unless she can transform her self as a person and I'm not confident she can do that any time soon. I should also note that she has been really hot and cold with the OM, keeping him at arms length at times, talking about her conflict and then at times making big plans for them togehter. She's really working the hot/cold thing on him and by still keeping their relationship quiet she can preserve the high that comes with the secret (but not so secret) affair. This is one that has to run it's full course and it's simply too difficult for me to stay close while that happens. Maybe I should be stronger for the sake of my marriage but moving on will help me to be a better person and be stronger for my daughter. Which she really needs since her mom is such a mess. I do feel I have detached and I'm ready to move on into the next chapter of a fulfilling life.

I welcome any feedback. Everything is an opportunity to learn.

[runn79r]

Felt compelled to post a follow-up for some reason. It's been quite a while.

Moving out was the best thing for me. Getting back to a mentally and physically healthy me. Time for myself, lots of GAL which was really more about getting back my life that was sucked out of me in my marriage.

I really can't stress enough to others to watch out for the narcissism issue. The ex wife has since left her affair partner as it was causing her guilt to rip her apart not to mention she sees me for what I was when we got married now that I'm back to myself, credit to not having to constantly pick up the pieces of everything behind her. My fault for letting my boundaries be constantly violated.

So she says she's going to fight to get me back but I've moved on and met someone else who's been through the same thing as me and we are so much more aligned in our values and such (but not rushing).

The funny part is that in trying to show how much she wants me back, the pain she's feeling etc. She's making her self out to be so hard done by to her friends etc. and frankly she's making me look like the jerk for pointing out her faults to her and not being willing to go back to what I see now was an abusive marriage.

Once a narcissist always a narcissist, be careful of their destructive games!

[Scotch]

runn79r

Can you expand on the narcissism topic. I've actually just had this brought up about my sitch.

[twinmom]

Be careful throwing around that word. It is something for a psychological professional to diagnose.