Girl, I love that! Make ourselves happy every day. I am doing a lot of soul-feeding right now and that seems to be having a big impact as its trickling over into my communication with H.
I feel like I'm becoming...despite all of this my best is ahead, not behind. I heard that today in that podcast and I feel it! I think Pink said something on your board about depression, and I think that had a lot to do with my problems too. I look back and all the signs were there for me and now the H. Denial isn't just a river, and I would have told you up and down I was fine. I neglected myself for sooooooo long. I'll never go back. I have enough 180s to last a lifetime 😂
Took D4 to the mall today to play and get out of the house - I felt like the walls of this place were closing in on me.
Trying to find my way, when in a few more days H comes back and I have no idea what will happen then and it's giving me incredible anxiety. I used to know what to expect, or at least I thought.
I'm tired of trying to figure this out today. I'm tired of having feelings.
He said he's trying to get used to expecting how I should act and he was sorry.
"Your small, consistent changes will be noticed and change the dynamics of the relationship." Maybe these responses from him could be indicators of your actions having impact on him?
Quote:
Hmm, interesting *grin*
aaaand continuing to GAL.
Great reaction!!!! Make sure you don't get hung up on reading his reactions and just keep moving forward with YOU.
Quote:
I'm tired of trying to figure this out today. I'm tired of having feelings.
So don't. You, believe it or not, already have the plan: GAL, 180s, listen/validate, etc. You're not going to know what to expect. And even if you did, you could be wrong. Take a day off. Breathe. Do something nice for yourself.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Yesterday I got a diagnosis that explains WHY I think my relationship with H went down the toilet. I told him about it - he was surprised, as was I but it made sense. We had this LONG conversation about expectations when he comes home. I gathered from what he said:
he sees no future with me he really doesn't think we'll be happy together again, nor does he want to be he doesn't care about money, custody or our pets - he'll give me whatever I want he wants to see if the grass is greener and wants to do what he wants when he wants to do it he blames his job, not us, for our problems
So, while it was a relief to be free of the burden of feeling like I caused ALL of this. I was foolish in thinking he would be understanding and think "wow, I really was living with someone who hasn't been herself"
For me it explains why with DB, GAL and some medication I have been able to get my crap together and stay sane without spontaneously combusting.
We agreed on an amicable D should there be no spark, and no feelings before he leaves again. I'm not in love with him, I know that but I still think D4 is worth the effort - he however does not, or isn't sure about it.
SO....
Middle of the night I get a message where he pretty much is telling me I should just move away (with his family) because we're kidding ourselves, and this is all false hope. He just wants me, and D4 gone essentially. I looked at this like...ARE YOU KIDDING ME...THIS IDIOT..insert expletives. We had JUST talked about the process AT LENGTH...we have a cross country move, I need to unpack and re-pack our stuff, a MILLION things I want to do so I can set myself up POST D and he throws this dagger my way.
I told him what we agreed upon, but then I just said...to HELL with it. You want to get rid of us ASAP, fine. I'll fly us out, you can take the pets on your road trip solo. SEE YA!
Woke up this morning (he was out drinking) and...YEP. That's what I told him my plan was. As far as he WILL know, that is the plan. I'm not telling him SQUAT anymore.
Talked to an L - he said stay put, I should not file. Play nice, be friendly...don't give him a reason to flip anymore than he has. Think long term.
GOODNESS did I want to do, do I still want to go and get AWAY from all of this. This knucklehead has 3 DAYS left and is driving me off an EMOTIONAL CLIFF and I keep letting it happen.
Now, I can say with confidence I'm in WAW status. I don't deserve this, I don't need this drama in my life. If I'm the one willing to work, and he wants to chuck me out like garbage...why would I even want to stay?!?! For a FEEELING? You know what I know about FEELINGS...they're inconsistent, they don't make sense, they're as erratic as Florida weather. He can have his feelings/non-feelings. I'm going to keep my sanity, and my ONE FEELING for my D4.
PLAN FOR THE DAY: Take a nap! Work on packing the stuff I want to take post D in separate boxes. and DON'T FEED THE INSANITY. AKA - he's going to pester me about leaving, or whatever his reasons are for being so stupid. I'm not going to entertain that. Not going to respond. I'm rolling with telling him "either I'll be at the airport, or I will not" and leaving it there.
Also, I really feel like I'll be sick with disgust when I do see him again. Fun times!
I need to get it together tonight, start packing up and put some armor on for this long journey I'll be on...for the next year.
My stomach turns every time I think about seeing the H. I'm somewhat relieved I'm able to go through this beginning phase of grief and such alone - I don't think he realizes how capable I am doing everything on my own and handling the feces he's throwing at me.
Anyways,
I'm more motivated now that ever to detach. Last night talking to him I think it sounded like (from me) that I was still very committed/attached and even if I am I don't want him to know it from here going forward. I'm so conflicted - to save the M or not, I don't know...
but I do know I need to start saving myself, today. Get more sleep, get my head on straight. Shut my phone off at night, all those things. I need to make a list.
I can't believe I'm going to have to tuck my tail and do this when my first instinct is to get up and run...far far away.
HOLY MOLY! That was an intense night. I send you a hug! I am horrible with advice because we are in the same stages together but just know we both are doing this together! I have times in the day where I want to be a WAW myself. I get so angry and frustrated and KNOW I deserve more.
Breathe! Let me see if I can get you the list of homework they gave me to do. I think some of the homework steps would help you too lovely just to help yourself. I am using it to try to help me.
Homework to get you busy and taking care after yourself:
1. Eat - Even if it is no much, try to eat a fruit, something light on your stomach.
2. Sleep - It is very important, even if you keep waking up at night, try to sleep when you can. If you don't, then your brain will work against you.
3. Exercise - if you research, you will find the explanations of the many chemicals that are released into your brain when you exercise. They are good for you, they are good for your mood.
4. Have your faith close by - if you believe in something, this is the time to get it close to your heart. You will need that so your pain is not so strong and you will lean on something right now.
5. Support - choose a friend or two that you can talk. Tell them straight forward that you need them, that at this moment you need their friendship so you can talk about your issues. Have support for your kids too.
6. Read - keep reading all the good material on the subject. The more you learn, the more you understand, the more you see that it is not the end.
7. Lawyer - Do you know everything you need to know if you are served next week. I am not saying it will happen, I am saying you need to be prepared for it.
8 - Therapy -
9 - Don't despair - you can cry, feel bad and miserable. But do not despair. Many couples get back together. I love TO324 story - she walked in burning hell and she kept DBing, so many times she said she was done, no hope. And now, she is right beside him. Yes, he finally got his S**t together and said that he would like to give it another try.
He swears up and down, no OW. I am suspicious of his boss because he made a comment about her saying that he "looks good" and he has said she's "fun" - she's also married and possibly going through a D. I would say OW is possible, for sure but unlikely. He keeps talking about being happier alone...I've been listening for hints but none of the sort.
A close friend of his passed away and a few days later I dropped some "I'm not happy - we need to work on us before you get home" bombs. It went downhill exponentially fast from there. This was mid December.
Love life hasn't been okay - I had PPD after D4 was born (special needs) for sure, then left my career and he changed his. He's gone a lot because of his job, this was by far the worst of it. We've handled separations well before. I just felt him drifting apart before he left last year and told him he wasn't treating me like his wife, I was more maid/cook/buddy. Sex was a chore. He's said we just went through the motions in the M. We both don't want an M that looks like our dead one, but he's less inclined to try to work on ours again. Future minus me is what he wants.
I know my issues - I was nagging, controlling, co-dependent and complacent. I pushed a wedge between him and his family because of my "feelings" (we have resolved this). He said to his mom he's been happier this month than he's ever been - well, I also have been validating, supporting and giving him a lot more space. I don't know, I don't take credit for it.
I love TO324 story - she walked in burning hell and she kept DBing, so many times she said she was done, no hope. And now, she is right beside him. Yes, he finally got his S**t together and said that he would like to give it another try.
Thanks girl, I've been reading this tonight. Lots of good R info...
I feel like its hard today to find the motivation to work on my issues in the M with how I behaved. It's like...why bother? Deep down I know I'll be better for it. I just need to stick it through.
