I hear ya Tim. That must be hard feeling like you're stuck in this situation. I know I struggle with it. I feel the same about the rings, although the H told me some stuff this morning that was a clear scream that it's time for me to GAL and 180.
So...
A little about that: H told me he doesn't want me to drag my feet while he's gone for another 6 months this year. My problem is, I don't plan on growing roots where we're about to move and fully intend on moving somewhere else should we D. That is a large part of me not wanting to get a job, or put D4 in school - also, it will be summer. It seems futile.
He said his feelings won't change - and there are only logistics to work out. I think this is standard WAS script. He isn't even home yet to know that his feelings could change, I think he truly doesn't want them too. Not my circus either way!
So, how do I GAL and 180 for myself when I know that there's a good chance I won't be staying where I'm moving. Why would I bother? Someone help me reason this one out!
Finally back to a position to be able to try and answer some of those questions.
Sleep is not going to be easy. You just need to do what you can to get as much as possible to keep yourself happy. Somebody would have to be insane to expect a person going through such a traumatic time (yes, it IS trauma) and sleep like a baby. Do what you can to keep yourself healthy.
As for the rings, it is up to you whether you want to continue wearing them or not. You are the one to determine what they represent. However, do not not not not not make the decision based upon your spouse's potential reaction. This is for you. I wore my wedding ring up until the day I filed for D (my sitch explains why I did). To me it stood for my commitment, my vows, and my standing for the marriage. I did not put my ring back on until I saw enough consistent actions from my W to convince me she is committed to the MR. Even then it was almost two months into R.
The best way to STFU is to keep it light and breezy or short and sweet. During the worst, I would only communicate about S6 and during the middle I spent a whole lot of time validating and listening without pursuing and not initiating R talk. It's about letting go of trying to control them and understanding that your wonderful, heartfelt, and eloquent speech will most likely amount to squat, because it's an alien in your spouse's body that has entirely different concepts of language and logic.
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So, how do I GAL and 180 for myself when I know that there's a good chance I won't be staying where I'm moving. Why would I bother? Someone help me reason this one out!
Because you need to. Because the people that fail subsequent marriages are the ones who never worked on their issues. Because you need to be healthy and deserve happiness regardless of the madness surrounding you.
Get creative at GAL regardless of where you are. There's always something to do. Plenty of lists and ideas online. A lot of the struggle to GAL is setting aside your problems and get moving.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Exactly! Remember, DBing is about saving your marriage and/or saving yourself. When the outcome is in limbo, you can at least work on this part. Go back to being that awesome, strong, badass roar you were. And if he doesn't see it, shame on him.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Yess! Yes! Yes! Squiggy - saving myself. I should have saved myself years ago. I just didn't realize how IMPORTANT I truly am.
I'm not a very religious person, but let me say looking back on my life and seeing all of the blessings that have come from my struggles has really been an eye opener. I listened to a Joel Osteen podcast today called Drop It - if any of you get the chance to listen to it, it's really good. It really made me consider my motives.
I went grocery shopping today and felt so empty - how do I ever smile again? How will I ever find joy again? I'm just so heartbroken. The little things I took for granted when I was loved. Funny how hearing that one line "I just don't want YOU" or "I don't love YOU anymore" changes everything. Why should it? I never lived my life that way before.
There are a lot of glaring uncertainties being that I'm a SAHM and a million other concerns I could list...but those are all things I can figure out. Everything else, I'm leaving to God. I'm not going to live another minute in the past. Thank goodness for DB and it's method of having us focus on our lives, ourselves and what's in our realms of control.
Moment by moment today is all I could manage today, and that's okay with me.
The H did call today - I told him about D4's day, and a few moving items. I ended the convo, he was trailing on. He apologized for me having to do everything for the move. I told him, cheerfully, that it was okay and it's no big deal. It felt good because it really was a genuine feeling. My heart has been clearing the cobwebs today. I know I have so much love left to give, so much life left to give. I won't waste another minute.
There are many more hard times to come, I'm sure of it. I will be ready to weather the storm.
also, I finally got my DB book. Can't wait to take a nice long bubble bath and read it. May even get D4 in bed early ;}
Exactly! Remember, DBing is about saving your marriage and/or saving yourself. When the outcome is in limbo, you can at least work on this part. Go back to being that awesome, strong, badass roar you were. And if he doesn't see it, shame on him.
YES! I so agree! This is what I'm trying to do. Soooo hard but I feel good today like actually GOOD.
So, I'm relaxing in the bath with a huge grin on my face. Enjoying my ME time on this adventure...
H messaged me about a trip he had and wanted to send me photos but not if its "weird". I said, it's up to you. He sends a few, and when I don't respond within 15 minutes replies saying that I don't have a reason to care and he doesn't have a reason to believe that I do.
I waited...then said I was putting D4 to bed, and he didn't give me a chance to respond. WOW, squirming with the distance.
He said he's trying to get used to expecting how I should act and he was sorry.
Hmm, interesting *grin*
aaaand continuing to GAL.
So, with this big transition coming up, I thought of some ways I can GAL with him around for a while. Bath time with a book and some cute pajamas I bought. Just sneaking off by myself after the D is in bed, or just going for a walk with the dogs while he's being dad. More ideas are brewing, it's weird because if he was in a room I would always be there. Another thing is dinner - I always nagged about what he wants to eat. My new plan: try some new recipes, for me. Offer politely, and don't say "if you want something else, go for it". I can't stand how much I over-talk sometimes. Silence is golden.
I feel great today guys! I realized every time I seem like I'm happy he tries to knock me down a peg. Not. Gonna. Happen. Life is too short for this drama!
I went grocery shopping today and felt so empty - how do I ever smile again? How will I ever find joy again? I'm just so heartbroken. The little things I took for granted when I was loved. Funny how hearing that one line "I just don't want YOU" or "I don't love YOU anymore" changes everything. Why should it? I never lived my life that way before.
I know. It hurts. It hurts more then anything. Having him tell me he wasnt in love with me, never has, never will be and was forced into marrying me broke me. I have days where I think back and wonder if it was all a lie, if my marriage and 7 years was all fake. It is hard. One thing that helps ME is knowing that while he may not love me..OUR CHILDREN DO. unconditonally. MORE THEN ANYTHING. THEY LOVE US. In my worst moments I just make them snuggle mommy and watch a movie.
Oh we both had good days today!! Oooo bubble bath sounda so nice. I'm a huge over talker too. Its hard but I'm learning to STFU HAHA. I feel the same..when I get happy something tried to make me unhappy. My goal is to make myself happy everyday somehow. We can do it!
