I'm Back

[Zues126]

Because of her big mood change when we moved in together, I can only assume she was upset she could no longer drink. When she left me, she said she wanted to get her own place and not have to worry about anyone else except her daughter. This reeks of the same thing she said when she left the first time. I remember back then, she was definatelt struggling with her sobriety.

I'm not so sure. If she wanted to be with you I'd imagine she could've strung you along for a long time by telling you she had it under control, would quit when she was ready, didn't want to feel judged, etc. You don't seem like the type that would've walked out right away. Either way, not a very productive line of speculation.

I struggle with loss so when she just ups and leaves and get back out their in her social circle, it really makes me feel like I wasn't valued to her.

The lower quality you're willing to settle for the more opportunities there are. If you want a committed life partner you search for a lifetime and find one person. If you want friends to watch a ballgame you've got a handful. If you want people to get sloshed with the bars are always open. She can fill up her calendar, but she can't replace you.

Honestly I think alot of my fears stem from a fear of abandonment.

My FOA came from me abandoning myself. I gave up on being able to take care of myself, then tried to find someone that would fill the void. XW could never live up to that expectation so I felt resentful because I thought it was her fault, and she felt perpetually insufficient.

I've since learned to take care of myself. I'm there for myself in the ways I always wanted someone else to be. Life's gotten better.

[Thornton]

Thanks dday.

It's so good to see you in better spirits and detached!


Zeus
Abandoning myself... I think you're on to something. I've always placed my self worth in my partners hands.

In fact, I've never been single for more than 3 months. I too, placed unreasonable expectations on WAW and then would get angry if she couldn't fill my needs.

Its truly selfish to be honest.

How did you go about correcting that, Zeus?

[- MB -]

This is really hard. Any tips on how you all manage your anxiety during this early stage?

Thornton, I am so sorry that you are going through this again! Those intense feelings right after BD are still fresh in my mind and I don't ever want to go there again. In addition to all the other feelings and emotions, I also had panic attacks and anxiety after BD. I couldln't hardly function. My hands would start shaking before I even got out of bed in the morning. I started taking AD, but I also had to take medicine for anxiety. It REALLY helped me a lot. I only took it when I needed it (although at first that was almost every day). It wasn't something that I could feel when it was working, I was just not hanging from the ceiling by my fingernails. I noticed it more when it would wear off. That's when I would feel how much it had been calming my nerves. If you have panic attacks and severe anxiety, you should go to your doctor and talk to him about it. He will probably suggest you take something for the anxiety (more than just an AD).

Anyway, aside from that , when I read your first post, it jumped right out at me that your WAW seems to be struggling with her alcoholism. You can't be cured from being an alcoholic. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. That's just the way it is. You guys got back together when she got out of rehab and lived apart for 11 months. Things were great, she was happy, you got along, didn't fight, etc. Then she says she was drinking during that entire time. That's why she was clam and able to get along with you. Then fast forward 11 months. You buy a house together and are so in love. Immediately, she gets more tense and unhappy -she can't drink in front of you because it's her "secret" and guess what ....you're always there! She wants to come home, get into some comfortable clothes and have a drink. But, instead, she comes home, has the responsibility of a H and family which is more stress, and she can't drink to relax herself as she is accustomed to. So, she picks fights and does what she can to get away from you so she can return to her addiction. She feels it pulling at her, but you're there so she can't go to it as easily. Seems like she's angry at you because you're the one coming between her and the alcohol. She's not really trying to run from you, she's trying to run towards the alcohol because she's craving it. It's not that she doesn't love you, it's just that she needs help. Or, that's my take on it anyway. Of course, this is just my opinion.

I really do hope you take care of yourself. I hope you feel better soon.

[Thornton]

Thanks so much for the note MB.

I know the shaking you are talking about all too well. It's pretty disturbing actually. For me the worst is waking up in the morning and realizing my reality and that I need to fight to make it through yet another day.

The other day I was driving to work and got dizzy. I realized I was taking very shallow breaths due to my anxiety.

I read about Love Addiction. Basically it's an addiction to your partner. Like a drug, when you break up (withdraw) from a person, it triggers the same parts of the brain as drug addiction. The withdrawal is almost identical to drug withdrawal. Pretty scary when you think about it.

I think your analogy of my sitch is pretty spot on. That's not to say I've been easy to live with either, I definately have my faults.

Im really trying to focus on things I can do to better myself. Grow from this. Last time I was here, I white knuckled the entire process and really struggled, even moreso than now.

I think theres a lot of change coming my way. I can't afford to live in this big house all by myself without WAW's income. And I don't want roommates as I have a teenage daughter. I need to protect myself financially and may need to sell the house and find something that I can live in on my own. Im sure that's contributing to my anxiety.

Thanks again for stopping by.

[trumpet]

Thornton, you can always get another house. Protect you and the daughter financially.

She'll probably need to hit a bottom. Maybe rock bottom? Addicts who think they're cured are usually very far from sobriety.

I am really sorry. Please realize time for grief, but also to plan for the future.

Are you exercising?

[Thornton]

I feel stuck today thinking about the why's and how this all happened. My mind needs some sort of closure as to a reason this is all happening.

How did we go from doing so well and buying a new home together to her leaving again 6 months after we moved in?

There were some clues that perhaps I just ignored. When we were dating but living apart, our sex life was great. She was affectionate and attentive, texted me all the time etc. She would send me sexy pictures and tell me she loved me all the time.

When we moved in, sex all but disappeared, less attention, less affection etc. She would just stare at her phone all night looking at Facebook while we watched tv.

When we started having conflicts, she was less likely to participate in coming to a resolution like she was when we were apart. She seemed to hold a grudge instead of working to come back together. I found myself frequently being the one to extend the olive branch, even when I was mad and felt I did nothing wrong.

[vise82]

Hey Thornton,

Sorry your going through with this. Have you been able to do any GAL activities to keep you mind on anything but your sitch?

You can do this!!

[SciDad]

Analyzing is hugely important, but not at the expense of moving forward.

If you're stuck is there something else you can work on for personal growth? GAL would work, too but I'm sure you know that already, lol

[Thornton]

To be honest, I'm exhausted. Im not sleeping well at all and work is crazy busy. I just want to go home and lay down.

Im hope I can catch up on some rest this weekend.

[Sotto]

(((Thornton))) - I guess the thing about answers is - you could ask, but whether the answer would be anything that would give you closure, IDK. I've read so many times about people seeking answers, and the WAS coming back with some crazy stuff.

For now, maybe try and leave things be with your SO and focus on settling yourself. Work on the basics - eating, sleeping, being able to work. What would help with these? Go see your doctor if you need to and arrange some IC. Also, have you thought about some meditation, yoga, journaling, gentle music, soothing activities, a nice hot bath - things that will help soothe you - even just for a little while...

Just keep posting and taking things one day at a time. Things will unfold and life will move forward, but it all takes time. Just focus on your plan for today, then tomorrow will be a new plan and so on. Even if you do this hour by hour.

We are all here for you, so keep posting and do take care of yourself xx