Well.. I was here about 18 months ago and DB'd my relationship. I'm back.
A little history: My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. About 2 years ago, she went to rehab for alcohol addiction. Not long thereafter, we got into a huge fight and she left me.
I came here and DB'd and we got back together after 2 months. We continued to live apart for about 11 months after we reconciled. Things were awesome. We spent weekends together and everything was amazing, a second honeymoon phase.
In July we bought a home together. Immediately, things started to get rough. Her attitude changed pretty quickly and she was more confrontational. I couldn't put my finger on it.
We kept fighting and started going to a marriage therapist in late November. Things have been touch and go since then.
About a week ago, we got into a huge row. She then blurted out that during our time apart, she was drinking behind my back but not getting drunk or abusing alcohol. She has mentioned in counseling that she knows she can handle alcohol now and that the driving force to her unhealthy drinking was her anger from her childhood. She said she dealt with the anger while in rehab and no longer has it.
Our counselor doesn't seemed convinced she can go back to drinking without abusing alcohol.
Fast forward to last night.. she was irritated with me and we started talking about our relationship and she told me she didn't love me like a boyfriend anymore. She missed driving home to her own apartment after work and not having to "worry about anyone".
I'm back to square one. The panic has set in. Oh, and I've been diagnosed as a "Love Addict" by our therapist. Google it if you've never heard of it.
Just like before, I'm back to no sleep, I can't eat, and I feel like I'm having a 24/7 panic attack.
I'm back to the early stages of anxiety etc. I can't beleive I'm here again.
I've done lots of reading and it appears our relationship is one of love addiction and love avoidance (pursuer/distancer).
When we reconciled, we both pursued each other. As time passed, I slowly became the pursuer and she became the distancer.
It's become like an addiction for me because I'm afraid of abandonment. When she dropped the bomb on me last night, I remembered not to freak out, cry, beg etc.
But today there has been no contact, and I don't even know if we are still living together. We didnt talk about anyone moving out etc.
Very confusing. On top of it all, I suspect she has been struggling with her sobriety. She jokes about it often and said she knows she no longer has a problem with the drink and can socially drink and not get herself in trouble. She said she proved it to herself last summer when we dating while apart and she was drinking in her apartment without me knowing.
It appears she is lying to herself about her drinking but there's nothing I can do about that.
I keep going back and thinking about how great everything was 6 months ago right before we moved in together. I'm starting to think maybe she's not happy living with me because she can't secretly drink anymore. I wont stop her from drinking but I also won't sign off on it and approve it.
So sorry you are back here, but I hope that you are able to find your DB way again.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
It appears my fiance has been staying at her mom's house. She hasn't been home since last Friday and I haven't heard from her. It doesn't look like she has taken much of her things from our house.
I'm not sure what to make of this. She texted me on Friday night and said she was going to stay with her mom that night but hasn't been home since. That's the last contact I've had with her.
I've been really struggling, particularly with anxiety. I always feel faint and dizzy. Im sure I'm not breathing properly due to the anxiety. Sleep has been non-existant.
I'm very much a codependant, very unhealthy. I feel like I need her to live. I'll be going back to some Codependants Anonymous meetings this week and get back on track with that.
I also think my fiance is close to relapsing on alchohol. In fact, that's what pretty much blew our relationship up a few weeks ago. She came out and told me the whole time we were dating (while I was piecing), she had been drinking and doing fine with it.
I think she wants me to sign off and approve of her drinking again. I told her her relationship with alchohol is hers alone. She decides if she wants to drink or not.
She also told me during our blow up that she misses coming home to her own apartment after work. Again, I think she wants to be able to drink and not have to face anyone while she does it.
I'm tired of the pain. Tired of the sadness and tired of the anxiety.
I'm starting to think she is just a "runner". Anytime life gets challenging, she bolts. Perhaps that's the alcholism, I dunno.
Anyways, I'm back to the sleepless nights and anxiety attacks. I'm not sure I can ever trust her again...
So sorry to hear that! I can't really offer advice as I am new to this and my advice would be clouded by what I am going through. But I can tell you that I sympathize and hope the very best for you. I have a friend who is a recovering addict as is his wife, they go to meetings together maybe that could help. Again hope you the very best.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
We just bought our new house in July and she's already gone.
It seems like every time there's a new bend in the road, challenge, or life change, she freaks out and runs.
The first time she left, we were looking at houses and discussing getting married. I was able to DB back then. But now I'm really worried this is just who she is.
She is very close to her mother and almost everyone suspects her mother has Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm starting to wonder if perhaps my fiance is following in her mother's footsteps.
Before this recent bomb, she would pick fights with me if we were getting along. Almost like she needed to create some drama to get a little distance in the relationship. Perhaps she had this all planned out so she could leave the R and try to minimize the guilt.
Thorton I am really sorry. i have been having a rough time as well. My mind is working way too much with out knowing anything and reading into everything.
I think we need some mental breaks
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
