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I have read the divorce busting book and may I said that its good but also leave me blank, why do I say that well the book is mainly focus on couples that fight all the time. My situation is a bit different, my wife and I hardly fight but I also missed the signs that she was is unhappy.
We been living together for about 16 years and legally married for about 8, during this time we have three beautiful kids ages 4,5 and 10. Last year in December I joke with her about having to move to Nashville because of a job offer, that's when she said you know I still want a divorce. She had told me maybe a few months prior that she wanted a divorce than that she changed her mind, like I said we don't fight, the fights we have had has been me stating that she is on her phone too much on face book. Than she told me that she has been having an online affair for the past two years and that I could not give her what the other person was. She mainly said "I'm in love with this person, I love you for being the father of our children and provider but I'm not in love with you".
I ask her if there was anything I could do to help our marriage be again and she said "No there is nothing you can do".
She is always frustrated mad with the kids any little thing that the kids do makes her irritable and yells at them a lot.
Let me say that she is a stay at home mom and that is what we decided to do when she got pregnant with our first child. She feels like she has lost a part of herself (privacy, friends..)

I know that I have not communicated with her the love that I have for her in ways that she probably understood and though that her not being responsive to me was that she was tired but seems to be me not communicating my love to her (A-B-A-B) like the book said.

Because our insurance does not cover marriage counseling I said that one of us should go and see one and if the therapist tells our insurance that we need therapy our insurance would cover it. Well today she had her first session and she briefly said they discussed her long term goals "Leaving the marriage"

Since the beginning of the year we been living in the same house but sleeping in separate bedrooms we communicate and talk
but it seems our goals are different "my is keep my family intact" hers is "divorce".

I'm trying to change my behavior to make her happy as if she is calm and happy she won't yell at the kids to much.

I don't know how to identify if what I'm doing is helping or not since like I said we don't fight. I don't know if she is sitting next to me holding my hand because she sees I'm in pain or because she wants to love me again. I'm so confuse, I don't know if I should just through the towel or continue with what I'm doing.


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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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mrx2030 Offline OP
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Thank you for the information.
I have read the DB book already.

Last night after her therapy session we talks and it didn't go well, since she doesn't have a place to go or the resources to leave she told me I was holding her back and controlling her (I told her in the past that I'm not leaving the house or my kids because I'm not the one wanting out.)
She believes that because I have a business (it's slow right now and no income for 1 month) that I'm at a better shape than her, I created a sheet showing her everything we have financially including how much we expend a month. I don't think she grabs the idea of how the real world works, mind that she has work all her life but when I meet her she was in debt. I help her get her GED and try to pay for her college so she could get an education but she didn't take the opportunity (She said that she regrets it and admires me for trying to help her out then). With my hard work I was able to pay my student loans and pay her debt she had prior to me, now we don't have debts except for house and my car. But having only one income for a family of 5 is not easy either even if there are no debts.
I know I'm ranting and I know I hurt her as well (it takes two to ruin a marriage not just one).

Like I said on my previous post she has been giving mix signals and that is what the conversation was about with her. "I ask if your ultimate goal is to move out why do you hold my hand, Hugh me... Etc." her reply I'm trying to be friendly not being romantic because you told me "I like to be kiss and Hugh" my response was I don't want anything that does not come from your heart.
Her reply was "it is from my heart but not as a romantic gesture and to show our kids that you can be friendly even if your not in love with them" Yet before our conversation she send me an image with a prayer "A wife's prayer for a husband" when I ask did you send me this she said "Don't get your hopes up".
like I say I'm confused.


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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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She sounds confused to me. My husbands is the same, he actually moved out but sometimes will hug(almost everytime he sea me), kiss, want to cuddle, play fight but wants a divorce. We never really fought either so I understand what you are saying about how the book mostly addresses couples that fight. Our fights were your dresser is messy, or like the house needs to be mopped and i told you that already..little bikering. The advice that Everyone keeps telling me is that it isn't over until its over and stay positive and hopefully but have little or no expectations of anything


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Thank you Rednail.
At this time we both need each other reason for her still living at home. I can not take my kids to school and take care of our 4yr old and still work. "My jobs takes me to different sites, although the majority of the time I work from home, I still need to be ready to go out at a moments notice to clients" I can't afford to either pay her to move out or me move out our income just doesn't allow it.
Should I continue with her being friendly and ignore my feelings, how can I detach or not have expectations when there are mix emotions. Today I'm basically in our bedroom door close she is in the living room with our youngest and playing with her phone, "witch drives me nuts but have learned to ignore somewhat" I have told her my biggest regret was to ever buy her a smart phone, this is not the first time she found some emotional companion on Facebook. The first time I had a feeling that there was something wrong and basically trick her into letting me see her phone just to find out text message to some dude, that time I told her to get out she went to her mom's for a few hours, her mom called and ask me if she could comeback. I took her back even though she never really took full responsibility. I was told by her mom to take the dam phone from her but I didn't want to treat her like a child, fast forward to now and she tells me is not about the other person she talks too and has fallen in love with, that she doesn't live for him and if he is not around it doesn't matter to her. I don't even know if that person is even real or if she is just telling me ther is someone "he is not in the states, she tells me".
In either case I don't really care about that person, I know why she feels she is I love with him or so she says. I know it's not my fault and that I have been faithful to her, what I do know is that I have hurt her with my comments when we have had fights (I did not know or comprehend how to deal with the fights) so I resort to hurting her. Like I told her and others this is somewhat of a blessing that has open my eyes and hopefully hers on not keeping things bottle up and pretend everything is fine when it's not.
I know I'm not Saint that has done nothing wrong, people usually say stupid things when they are anger or corner. I have always work hard for our family to provide and be there for them, they are my life. She is my first love and first and only woman I ever been with, she has had and live with other man and knows a lot more about relationships that I do.


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Have you read the links Cadet posted?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Yes, I have. Thx.


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"I'm trying to change my behavior to make her happy as if she is calm and happy she won't yell at the kids to much."

Here's a lot of your problems:

1).you can't change to make her happy. She isn't interested in being married to you, so changing for her sake is going to be taken as too little, too late. And even if it did work in convincing her to stay, you would gradually lose track of these "changes" and you'd be right back here. Instead, you need to change for you. And for your kids. Grow your personal being. Grow your parental abilities. But don't become super emotional husband or Mr Mom...that isn't going to get her to respect you and reignite her interest in you as a mate. Take your focus off of her needs and put it on you and your kids.

2) also, you can't just meekly cater to her every whim hoping not to upset her. She's "in love" with another person, yet you are scared to upset her for fear of....what...exactly? She isnt interested in a man that is always putting her as a superior.

I hope you stick with us Mrx. Keep posting.

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Originally Posted By: Azzork
"I'm trying to change my behavior to make her happy as if she is calm and happy she won't yell at the kids to much."

Here's a lot of your problems:

1).you can't change to make her happy. She isn't interested in being married to you, so changing for her sake is going to be taken as too little, too late. And even if it did work in convincing her to stay, you would gradually lose track of these "changes" and you'd be right back here. Instead, you need to change for you. And for your kids. Grow your personal being. Grow your parental abilities. But don't become super emotional husband or Mr Mom...that isn't going to get her to respect you and reignite her interest in you as a mate. Take your focus off of her needs and put it on you and your kids.

2) also, you can't just meekly cater to her every whim hoping not to upset her. She's "in love" with another person, yet you are scared to upset her for fear of....what...exactly? She isnt interested in a man that is always putting her as a superior.

I hope you stick with us Mrx. Keep posting.


Thank you for your advice, I'm not making the changes for just her but for my self growth and to keep my kids happy. What I'm scare about is the wellness of my kids they are my main priority.


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When you read the WW threads, did it sound similar to your W's behavior now?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
When you read the WW threads, did it sound similar to your W's behavior now?


Some of the behavior yes.
Since Our last conversation on Thursday night here is what I done not sure if I'm losing her more or making progress.
Friday I did not get up like I been doing since for the most of the month "Getting up and helping get the kids ready". I stayed in my our room (I'm the one in it now, she sleeps in the guess room), Saturday I got up and with the kids, she went out to the grocery to get eggs for breakfast, I served my self something else to eat. When she came back she told me she needed some time alone to cry (She look like she needed to cry) and went into our bedroom for a few hours mind that she took her phone with it, later that afternoon she made a bath for me. Today she during breakfasts one of our kids ask for the food he refuse when she ask him, I was going to take some from my plate and give it to him, she got furious left the table and mumbling "Why did I have to have boys, they are a..holes.., since then she has been in the guess room mainly on her phone (texting or chatting or something) I took our kids to church and she joined us. Her being on the phone is more consistent now.
Am I doing the right thing by going dark? Or am I just pushing her farthest from me? Mind that her major complaint was I did not show her the love I have for her.


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By the way going dark is killing me, everytime I'm not close to her my heart keeps on breaking even more.


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Originally Posted By: sandi2
When you read the WW threads, did it sound similar to your W's behavior now?

Yes some of the behavior is similar.


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Many wayward wives want the H to be like their BFF. I think with the exception of a handful of WW's, they will say something about wanting to remain best friends. And, I have seen several cases over the years where the WW will taunt the H with physical affection. She operates purely on emotions, and whatever emotion she's feeling at that particular moment is how she's going to behave. If you try to analyze it and make it come out to some logical explaination.....you will go bonkers, b/c there is nothing logic about the WW's thought system.

This is not the girl you married! That girl is gone and you have some looney-tune that's replaced her. So, it is very important for your own sanity that you have a plan and know your boundaries. You operate from your belief system, your values and principles. If you allow your emotions to rule, you will regret it. Not caving to emotions will be one of the hardest things you have probably had to do.

With that in mind, you can set goals as to how you want to improve yourself as a man and a father. Decide what steps you can do to accomplish that growth.

Develope a plan of action for you to implement during this difficult time with your W.

Think about your personal boundaries and how you would enforce them if they were dishonored.

Get a calendar that's just for you. Work that calendar! By that, I mean to find all kind of things to do to get a life every week. This is GAL for your mental health's sake, it's not for your W. Every LBS who reported to the board what was the best thing they did to get through it, has said to really GAL. The self-confidence comes back, and you become a happier individual, and a more interesting man. Plus, it allows great opportunities for a little mystery. Therefore, see what's going on in your community/town. Look at the monthly holiday, b/c usually there will be something centered around that holiday theme. Plan to be busy on weekends, b/c that's the time many LBH'S find difficult for them. Mix it up and do various activities. Resume old hobbies, get together with old friends, etc.


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Anyone having issues with marriage get the following book, it will help you so much. You can also find an audio version if you look on YouTube.
The 5 languages of Love by Dr. Gary Chapman. Now I understand why my wife did not see the love I have for her, I was not talking to her in her language.


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She's cheating on you and your response is to go all passive and kiss her butt? You don't have a chance unless you man up and put your house in order. Don't tolerate this level of disrespect. Who's this OM? Where is he? Is he married? You need to get him out of your marriage right now. You're not fighting for your wife but he is. She respects him but since you're acting so weak she has zero respect for you. Man up. 180. Be king of your own castle. Stick with this passive approach and she's gone for good. Nobody respects a doormat.



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Originally Posted By: TxHubby
She's cheating on you and your response is to go all passive and kiss her butt? You don't have a chance unless you man up and put your house in order. Don't tolerate this level of disrespect. Who's this OM? Where is he? Is he married? You need to get him out of your marriage right now. You're not fighting for your wife but he is. She respects him but since you're acting so weak she has zero respect for you. Man up. 180. Be king of your own castle. Stick with this passive approach and she's gone for good. Nobody respects a doormat.


Thank you for your advice, I will stick to the advice of the divorce busting coach. Have you ever thought what "Man Up" really means?
Man Up is when a man takes responsibility for his actions.
When he has the ability to forgive.
I could be all "Macho" man up and kick her out but I also created the scenario that drove her to the EA, I'm not saying it's my fault as everyone has a choice. What I'm saying is The 180 approach is not to be taking lightly, you need to weight the cons and the pros, what might work for sum might not work for others.
I try it and was not working making it worse, instead understanding what cause the issue in the first place allowed me to understand her better and communication btw her and me open up. When have been able to communicate better now that we have ever in our 15yrs together.
Everyone is different and you have to open your eyes to understand and determine the best path.
But the most important objective is to ask God for guidance and help.


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Originally Posted By: mrx2030
Originally Posted By: TxHubby
She's cheating on you and your response is to go all passive and kiss her butt? You don't have a chance unless you man up and put your house in order. Don't tolerate this level of disrespect. Who's this OM? Where is he? Is he married? You need to get him out of your marriage right now. You're not fighting for your wife but he is. She respects him but since you're acting so weak she has zero respect for you. Man up. 180. Be king of your own castle. Stick with this passive approach and she's gone for good. Nobody respects a doormat.


Thank you for your advice, I will stick to the advice of the divorce busting coach. Have you ever thought what "Man Up" really means?
Man Up is when a man takes responsibility for his actions.
When he has the ability to forgive.
I could be all "Macho" man up and kick her out but I also created the scenario that drove her to the EA, I'm not saying it's my fault as everyone has a choice. What I'm saying is The 180 approach is not to be taking lightly, you need to weight the cons and the pros, what might work for sum might not work for others.
I try it and was not working making it worse, instead understanding what cause the issue in the first place allowed me to understand her better and communication btw her and me open up. When have been able to communicate better now that we have ever in our 15yrs together.
Everyone is different and you have to open your eyes to understand and determine the best path.
But the most important objective is to ask God for guidance and help.



I know what the 180 is. I lived it. I detached and was the model husband. I didn't hassle her about the affair. You know who was working on her? The OM. While you're giving her space, he's filling that space.



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Well Today we went to marriage counselor but wife doesn't want to work things out and will not give EA (OM not even in the states) I believe today is the mark of the End. I'm going to have to figure out how to take care of our three kids (4,5,10) and still work, diver the older ones to school pick them up and take care of the 4yr old, run a business or quit the business and look for a job at a company with regular business hrs.
My wife is so far gone in her fantasy world that will not listen to reason, her words "if I give in and work on our marriage l'm giving you control".
I think is over, I'm done no more doormat. I'm scare and devastated for my kids, specially the oldest that has gone through a lot "he was bully on the first grade" and now I'm going to have to pull him away from his school that he is doing so well and back to the school he was bullied at. Or sell the house move to my mom's house the school is next door to her. It doesn't help right now that I'm slow on business and living from savings for the past 3 months.


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If you're making conclusions beyond today then you're looking too far ahead. I know you're in pain and want it over, but now is not a wise time to start reacting to pain. Slow down. The urge to figure it all out or convince yourself you have it figured out isn't helping. Just admit that you're lost and hurt, deal with it, and then get through your days with character. That's your job. Stray from that path and you'll cause more damage.


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Originally Posted By: Zues126
If you're making conclusions beyond today then you're looking too far ahead. I know you're in pain and want it over, but now is not a wise time to start reacting to pain. Slow down. The urge to figure it all out or convince yourself you have it figured out isn't helping. Just admit that you're lost and hurt, deal with it, and then get through your days with character. That's your job. Stray from that path and you'll cause more damage.


I'm sorry but do not get what your saying, I'm lost and hurt. My wife is currently at her mom's with the kids "kids wanted to spend time with grandma". I just don't know what to do, she wants to be friends only and still live in the house living her EA. I really want our marriage to work but can not keep hurting and what seems to be a lie, perhaps things would had gotten better but having a wife that has hide a 2yr AE very well it's hard to know what is real and what it's not. The counselor ask her if she was just using me right now until she could get out and her reply "Yes", I'm also thinking that she might be saying that just to hurt me. Her mom has even told me today I can't believe how you can put up with her.


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Just called grandma to find out how kids are and wife call back letting the kids talk to me. I was at her mom's today because after or council we came home and after a few yelling match from both of us she left and my work computer was in the van, I new she was going to go to her mom because our youngest was ther. She hadn't arrive yet and her mom invited me in, she got mad because her mom was harsh on her and me too. She left to pick up kids from school (I stayed to talk to her mom) when she came back she didn't speak or look at me. Now she is all friendly, I continue to be confused (hurt, anger, lonely, depressed)


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From my observations of other cases, the WW does not want her H getting cozy with her family. Even if her mother is giving her a hard time or not showing partiality, it is still her family.

Not sure what part you were referring about causing you confusion, but I will assume it is her unpredictable behavior. One hour she's mad and the next hour she's friendly. If a woman has another man, even a man that lives on the other side of the world, her EA often dictates her emotions. When she's angry, then leaves and comes back in a good mood, it could have something to do with her contacting the OM.

At any rate, it is best for you not to measure your MR or anything else upon her very flexible mood swings. Her thought process would probably blow you away.

An EA for a woman is very serious, and her H should not take it lightly, nor believe it is less a threat just b/c the OM does not live close by. An EA feeds her fantasy, and her fantasy feeds the EA.

It will be extremely difficult to live under the same roof with her, while she is active in an EA. in spite of her saying you can be friends, she will have no respect for you as a man or as her H. That lack of respect will continue to grow until it consumes everything in the house.

If you decide to stay together in the same house, I think you will need to lay down boundaries to protect yourself from her disrespectful behavior. And btw, attending MC at this time is not beneficial b/c she doesn't want to work on the M. All she wants is for you to continue to support her while she is free to do whatever she wants. I would put the MC on hold until your W is ready to do the necessary work to save it.

You have talked about how difficult it will be for you taking care of the kids and scheduling around your job. Have the two of you discussed how the time with the children would be divided between you? Have you discussed finances or anything besides where you would live?

I think you would be wise to immediately take action in protecting your finances. I think you need to have a legal consultation to see where you stand, your rights as a father, and if you would have to pay her anything, etc. knowledge is power, so find out all that you can.

In doing these things, it doesn't mean you have given up wanting to save the marriage. It just means you are being smart by being prepared. You cannot trust your W while she is wayward. You cannot interact with her as though she was still the same person that you M. Until she ends her EA and gets out of this fantasy fog, and starts showing respect for you, there is a limitation on what you can do for the MR. However, in time and with her having to face the reality of her own decisions, the M could still be saved. I think you will need to use the LRT, GAL, and build your life around you and the kids......rather than trying to play family with her. As long as she can still play family from time to time, she will not be motivated to make a change.


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We have discussed finances and where each of use would live, I would stay at our house with the kids and she would move out.
As I was reading the DR the chapter about MLC although it's mean towards a man it completely describes my wife (41yr) so I think I have two challenges MLC and EA. I didn't want to bring lawyers into the picture but I guess I will have to, being in a common law state also makes it hard.


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Just got a call from wife, she wants to go out on a date maybe look for the restaurant we went to on our first date over 15yr ago.
I'm crying not knowing if she is toying with with or what the motives are.
God I need help, I don't know how to process all this.


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MRX

I am in a similar sitch but no confirmed PA/EA although I think I am just fooling myself. And in the same house with a divorce on the way...

Don't look for little signs of life in the M as right now its just a smoke screen. I hate to dash your hopes as I was in the same boat and would be like "wow..she said something nice " and then I would be hoping for the reconciliation talk that never was gong to happen

Some of the folks here who have had positive results with the approach in your sitch have good advice

I don't recommend it across the board for everyone's situation becasue everyone's W or H is so different and so is the situation, but its good to listen to those who walked in your shoes.


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Originally Posted By: rich4j
MRX

I am in a similar sitch but no confirmed PA/EA although I think I am just fooling myself. And in the same house with a divorce on the way...

Don't look for little signs of life in the M as right now its just a smoke screen. I hate to dash your hopes as I was in the same boat and would be like "wow..she said something nice " and then I would be hoping for the reconciliation talk that never was gong to happen

Some of the folks here who have had positive results with the approach in your sitch have good advice

I don't recommend it across the board for everyone's situation becasue everyone's W or H is so different and so is the situation, but its good to listen to those who walked in your shoes.


Thank you for your words, I know what you mean about everyone is different and listen to those who walked in your shoes.


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I just moved her clothes from our closet to the guest room. Am I reacting on emotions and going to far?


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Originally Posted By: mrx2030
I just moved her clothes from our closet to the guest room. Am I reacting on emotions and going to far?

I just came back from having dinner with her, she apologized for her behavior yesterday, we continued to talk and I ask her what is this about. "I want to keep our peace" to which I reply so are you going to give up your EA? She replied can we still friends, I said No. Therefore she will not give EA, we eat "well she did I couldn't eat", we continued to talk in the car I told her to give us 3 months like the Therapy said with no contact with OM, she got angry and said I'm trying to control her, I remained calm. I drove her back to her mom we talk in the driveway and I told her we can not continue to live together and act as a family "doing things as a family" while she still has EA. I told her she can not have her cake and eat it too. "In her mind she tough I would be okay with her having an AE that feeds her brain and have us be a family". She is afraid that if she leaves OM and I revert to my old behaviors she will have nothing.
I admitted that I screw up by not giving her more affirmation of how much she means and love her, I'm working on my behavior to improve my self, not for her but for me because I have a better understanding of my faults.
She doesn't want to work things out, therefore she will continue to live with us until the kids get out of school but we are not doing anything as a family.
She cry and Hugh me, I went in to her mom's house to say good night to the kids since they are spending the night.
She walked me out to my car huh me very tightly and cried and said she was sorry.
I told her that over 15yrs ago I had meet her in the same driveway and that was the most happiest moments of my life, that she had been the most wonderful person "she reply crying now I''m not", I said no you are still but you are lost and need to find yourself "she said but I'm hurting everyone". My last words were "I love you so much but I have to let you go so you can find what your looking for"

Will see how things will be for the next 4 months, I will focus on figuring out what it's next for the kids and me. I will take them to my moms every weekend so they start to detach a bit from their mom and hopefully it will be less painful when the time comes when their mom to walk out the door.
I hope this lost will bring her senses back but will not be holding my breath either, I'm done getting hurt. I fought to keep my kids from getting hurt with a divorce but can not continue to be enabling my wife.


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Sandi2, I been up since 3am reading your old post and in it you mention that you felt that "If there's no sex....there's no marriage". Last night I ask my wife what do you feel when we are together watching movies, she reply "happy". Than I ask what do you think love is to what she reply "sex in a marriage", I told her sex is great and I always want it and sure it is important in a marriage but it's not what love is about.
Sorry haven't finish reading your post yet but "how did you understand begun to understand? Just how you felt my wife feels too"


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Starting R talks, asking her to give up EA, talking about how you won't play family with her if she doesn't, wanting to snap her out of it with filing D...all controlling behavior, and none of it has anything to do with DB. And it doesn't follow the principle of showing with actions, not words.

I told you to slow down and learn to accept some limbo and you are trying to force through this like you're evacuating a burning building. When I say you are allowing your emotions to control you I mean that you are so uncomfortable in your sitch you are doing incredibly destructive things that will impact your family for the rest of your life in an effort to change the sitch and change how you feel. Meanwhile you write this as if you're doing it from a place of higher awareness. And anyone that dares challenge that is told not to post again.

Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Seriously, Azzork came on here trying to give you tools to save your marriage and you literally threw them back in his face and told him to buzz off. I am pretty sick about that. But I get it. You are hurt and following DB is too tough for you. If standing by your M is too painful then go ahead and end it your way. If you really want to save it though I'd recommend you reread Sandi's 37 rules, Azzorks post, and consider that you might not be the exception to all of the rules. There are reasons R talks, pressure, asking for reassurances, ultimatums, and this type of thing don't work in rebuilding a marriage. It is more of the same behavior that she wants nothing to do with. Learn a better way if you want to save the M.


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Originally Posted By: Zues126
Starting R talks, asking her to give up EA, talking about how you won't play family with her if she doesn't, wanting to snap her out of it with filing D...all controlling behavior, and none of it has anything to do with DB. And it doesn't follow the principle of showing with actions, not words.

I told you to slow down and learn to accept some limbo and you are trying to force through this like you're evacuating a burning building. When I say you are allowing your emotions to control you I mean that you are so uncomfortable in your sitch you are doing incredibly destructive things that will impact your family for the rest of your life in an effort to change the sitch and change how you feel. Meanwhile you write this as if you're doing it from a place of higher awareness. And anyone that dares challenge that is told not to post again.

Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Seriously, Azzork came on here trying to give you tools to save your marriage and you literally threw them back in his face and told him to buzz off. I am pretty sick about that. But I get it. You are hurt and following DB is too tough for you. If standing by your M is too painful then go ahead and end it your way. If you really want to save it though I'd recommend you reread Sandi's 37 rules, Azzorks post, and consider that you might not be the exception to all of the rules. There are reasons R talks, pressure, asking for reassurances, ultimatums, and this type of thing don't work in rebuilding a marriage. It is more of the same behavior that she wants nothing to do with. Learn a better way if you want to save the M.


I'm sorry but not sure who Azzorks is, if your talking about TXHubby his advice was to stop being passive the opposite of what the DB couch said to do. I also go advise by sande2 who said that playing family is good.

It does sound controlling that I told her to end the EA, while we are being together going out as a family she is happy with that, when we are sitting down having a conversation she is happy. At the end of the day she is back in the Fantasy of the EA. She is having the two worlds mean wile I'm being destroyed.

I apologize for offending anyone.


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Sandi2, you have live through it.
I need help just like you did in 05.
Do I continue to feed her the best of both worlds?
She told me as I said that "I thought I could have OM and Kids and you as friend until the kids were older"


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Originally Posted By: Zues126
Seriously, Azzork came on here trying to give you tools to save your marriage and you literally threw them back in his face and told him to buzz off. I am pretty sick about that. But I get it.


My apologies I did go back and what I reply to Azzork was no throwing it back in his face, I confirm to him that I was not making the changes for her but for me.
If that come out wrong I apologize to Azzork that was not my intention.


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Well it seems I have made some people mad around here, so this will be my last post.

If thank you all.


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Originally Posted By: mrx2030
Well it seems I have made some people mad around here, so this will be my last post.

If thank you all.

I doubt you made anyone mad.

Heck I don't even pay attention on the weekends as I am busy GAL.

Sorry you are leaving, I think though you would be better off to stay and work out what is going wrong.

JMHO.


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mrx2030

I hope you don't leave the boards. I am fairly new here and I have to tell you I wish that I would've found this site months earlier. You have very good people giving you advice. I only WISH I had enough interactions with my H that these people could be giving me the same advice. Even if it sounds like "tough love", they care enough to help you have the best options to reconcile. So, I hope you can accept what they have to say and I hope it helps.


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Originally Posted By: broke
mrx2030

I hope you don't leave the boards. I am fairly new here and I have to tell you I wish that I would've found this site months earlier. You have very good people giving you advice. I only WISH I had enough interactions with my H that these people could be giving me the same advice. Even if it sounds like "tough love", they care enough to help you have the best options to reconcile. So, I hope you can accept what they have to say and I hope it helps.


Thanks for your kind words, I do accept their advice and I'm very thankful for it. Per the title of this post I'm confuse, different types of advices. I'm having a nervouse brakedown that I never had and my work is veey demanding, if I make a mistake it my bring harm to someone (had a hyperventilatuon attack yesterday). I need to get a hold of my self if anything happens to me my kids and wife will be in very bad shape atleast when it comes financially, although my wife could work it would not be enough to scratch the surface of what we need every month. My/our business is slow and been living from savings for the past three months. Our M is falling apart. My wife is having an AE and won't give it up. When my wife is gone our kids will be Deviated.


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Originally Posted By: mrx2030
Thanks for your kind words, I do accept their advice and I'm very thankful for it. Per the title of this post I'm confuse, different types of advices. I'm having a nervouse brakedown that I never had and my work is veey demanding, if I make a mistake it my bring harm to someone (had a hyperventilatuon attack yesterday). I need to get a hold of my self if anything happens to me my kids and wife will be in very bad shape atleast when it comes financially, although my wife could work it would not be enough to scratch the surface of what we need every month. My/our business is slow and been living from savings for the past three months. Our M is falling apart. My wife is having an AE and won't give it up. When my wife is gone our kids will be Deviated.

I can only say that we have all been exactly in your shoes.

You could re-write some of our earlier posts with your.

That is why you need to stay here to learn what to do!


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The more sources of advice, the varied it will become, and the more confused you will be. Since when does every book, counselor, or board members agree? Everyone can't be right if they are saying different things. Narrow it down to as few as you can. Go with what you trust and leave the rest of it alone. You are not obligated to do what anyone tells you. Just b/c it is "advice" does not mean it is the right advice to take.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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How are you doing? Hope to hear from you again.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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