I have read the divorce busting book and may I said that its good but also leave me blank, why do I say that well the book is mainly focus on couples that fight all the time. My situation is a bit different, my wife and I hardly fight but I also missed the signs that she was is unhappy. We been living together for about 16 years and legally married for about 8, during this time we have three beautiful kids ages 4,5 and 10. Last year in December I joke with her about having to move to Nashville because of a job offer, that's when she said you know I still want a divorce. She had told me maybe a few months prior that she wanted a divorce than that she changed her mind, like I said we don't fight, the fights we have had has been me stating that she is on her phone too much on face book. Than she told me that she has been having an online affair for the past two years and that I could not give her what the other person was. She mainly said "I'm in love with this person, I love you for being the father of our children and provider but I'm not in love with you". I ask her if there was anything I could do to help our marriage be again and she said "No there is nothing you can do". She is always frustrated mad with the kids any little thing that the kids do makes her irritable and yells at them a lot. Let me say that she is a stay at home mom and that is what we decided to do when she got pregnant with our first child. She feels like she has lost a part of herself (privacy, friends..)
I know that I have not communicated with her the love that I have for her in ways that she probably understood and though that her not being responsive to me was that she was tired but seems to be me not communicating my love to her (A-B-A-B) like the book said.
Because our insurance does not cover marriage counseling I said that one of us should go and see one and if the therapist tells our insurance that we need therapy our insurance would cover it. Well today she had her first session and she briefly said they discussed her long term goals "Leaving the marriage"
Since the beginning of the year we been living in the same house but sleeping in separate bedrooms we communicate and talk but it seems our goals are different "my is keep my family intact" hers is "divorce".
I'm trying to change my behavior to make her happy as if she is calm and happy she won't yell at the kids to much.
I don't know how to identify if what I'm doing is helping or not since like I said we don't fight. I don't know if she is sitting next to me holding my hand because she sees I'm in pain or because she wants to love me again. I'm so confuse, I don't know if I should just through the towel or continue with what I'm doing.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you for the information. I have read the DB book already.
Last night after her therapy session we talks and it didn't go well, since she doesn't have a place to go or the resources to leave she told me I was holding her back and controlling her (I told her in the past that I'm not leaving the house or my kids because I'm not the one wanting out.) She believes that because I have a business (it's slow right now and no income for 1 month) that I'm at a better shape than her, I created a sheet showing her everything we have financially including how much we expend a month. I don't think she grabs the idea of how the real world works, mind that she has work all her life but when I meet her she was in debt. I help her get her GED and try to pay for her college so she could get an education but she didn't take the opportunity (She said that she regrets it and admires me for trying to help her out then). With my hard work I was able to pay my student loans and pay her debt she had prior to me, now we don't have debts except for house and my car. But having only one income for a family of 5 is not easy either even if there are no debts. I know I'm ranting and I know I hurt her as well (it takes two to ruin a marriage not just one).
Like I said on my previous post she has been giving mix signals and that is what the conversation was about with her. "I ask if your ultimate goal is to move out why do you hold my hand, Hugh me... Etc." her reply I'm trying to be friendly not being romantic because you told me "I like to be kiss and Hugh" my response was I don't want anything that does not come from your heart. Her reply was "it is from my heart but not as a romantic gesture and to show our kids that you can be friendly even if your not in love with them" Yet before our conversation she send me an image with a prayer "A wife's prayer for a husband" when I ask did you send me this she said "Don't get your hopes up". like I say I'm confused.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
She sounds confused to me. My husbands is the same, he actually moved out but sometimes will hug(almost everytime he sea me), kiss, want to cuddle, play fight but wants a divorce. We never really fought either so I understand what you are saying about how the book mostly addresses couples that fight. Our fights were your dresser is messy, or like the house needs to be mopped and i told you that already..little bikering. The advice that Everyone keeps telling me is that it isn't over until its over and stay positive and hopefully but have little or no expectations of anything
Thank you Rednail. At this time we both need each other reason for her still living at home. I can not take my kids to school and take care of our 4yr old and still work. "My jobs takes me to different sites, although the majority of the time I work from home, I still need to be ready to go out at a moments notice to clients" I can't afford to either pay her to move out or me move out our income just doesn't allow it. Should I continue with her being friendly and ignore my feelings, how can I detach or not have expectations when there are mix emotions. Today I'm basically in our bedroom door close she is in the living room with our youngest and playing with her phone, "witch drives me nuts but have learned to ignore somewhat" I have told her my biggest regret was to ever buy her a smart phone, this is not the first time she found some emotional companion on Facebook. The first time I had a feeling that there was something wrong and basically trick her into letting me see her phone just to find out text message to some dude, that time I told her to get out she went to her mom's for a few hours, her mom called and ask me if she could comeback. I took her back even though she never really took full responsibility. I was told by her mom to take the dam phone from her but I didn't want to treat her like a child, fast forward to now and she tells me is not about the other person she talks too and has fallen in love with, that she doesn't live for him and if he is not around it doesn't matter to her. I don't even know if that person is even real or if she is just telling me ther is someone "he is not in the states, she tells me". In either case I don't really care about that person, I know why she feels she is I love with him or so she says. I know it's not my fault and that I have been faithful to her, what I do know is that I have hurt her with my comments when we have had fights (I did not know or comprehend how to deal with the fights) so I resort to hurting her. Like I told her and others this is somewhat of a blessing that has open my eyes and hopefully hers on not keeping things bottle up and pretend everything is fine when it's not. I know I'm not Saint that has done nothing wrong, people usually say stupid things when they are anger or corner. I have always work hard for our family to provide and be there for them, they are my life. She is my first love and first and only woman I ever been with, she has had and live with other man and knows a lot more about relationships that I do.
"I'm trying to change my behavior to make her happy as if she is calm and happy she won't yell at the kids to much."
Here's a lot of your problems:
1).you can't change to make her happy. She isn't interested in being married to you, so changing for her sake is going to be taken as too little, too late. And even if it did work in convincing her to stay, you would gradually lose track of these "changes" and you'd be right back here. Instead, you need to change for you. And for your kids. Grow your personal being. Grow your parental abilities. But don't become super emotional husband or Mr Mom...that isn't going to get her to respect you and reignite her interest in you as a mate. Take your focus off of her needs and put it on you and your kids.
2) also, you can't just meekly cater to her every whim hoping not to upset her. She's "in love" with another person, yet you are scared to upset her for fear of....what...exactly? She isnt interested in a man that is always putting her as a superior.
"I'm trying to change my behavior to make her happy as if she is calm and happy she won't yell at the kids to much."
Here's a lot of your problems:
1).you can't change to make her happy. She isn't interested in being married to you, so changing for her sake is going to be taken as too little, too late. And even if it did work in convincing her to stay, you would gradually lose track of these "changes" and you'd be right back here. Instead, you need to change for you. And for your kids. Grow your personal being. Grow your parental abilities. But don't become super emotional husband or Mr Mom...that isn't going to get her to respect you and reignite her interest in you as a mate. Take your focus off of her needs and put it on you and your kids.
2) also, you can't just meekly cater to her every whim hoping not to upset her. She's "in love" with another person, yet you are scared to upset her for fear of....what...exactly? She isnt interested in a man that is always putting her as a superior.
I hope you stick with us Mrx. Keep posting.
Thank you for your advice, I'm not making the changes for just her but for my self growth and to keep my kids happy. What I'm scare about is the wellness of my kids they are my main priority.
