surrealism is not my style

[ciluzen]

This really is so surreal.

I find a lawyer I feel good with, but she's expensive. I have to spend money that we don't really have to come to an agreement with my former best friend about how to get rid of everything we've worked for for over 25 years. He says he doesn't want a D...he never pictured this happening. But that he believes its his best chance to be happy. Does this make any sense?

[Thornton]

Yep, I felt the same way when I divorced my ex-wife. It's complete insanity especially if the divorce becomes contested.

[ciluzen]

Couldn't go through with the expensive L. Decided on the one with the flat rate. I feel much less icky. You're right, Thornton. Complete insanity.

I've been trying to go dark, but when H "popped by" to get his mail this week, he also promised to deposit our agreed upon amount for bills this week...and didn't. I called last night to check on that sitch and he basically said he just didn't feel like it (my words) but would do it by Monday. I then tried several times to nicely end the call, but he would just find ways to keep talking. I still try to be upbeat and validate, but I don't want to make small talk with him like nothing is wrong...H fired me as his wife!

He usually procrastinates on things or has others (like me) do them for him...why the rush to get me out of his life? I wish I knew what was going on in his head.

He just stubbornly plays the same tune...that I don't like him, never appreciated him, that he made me miserable. I've given up on defending my feelings; that I made myself miserable, that I liked and loved him almost more than life itself. Pointless.

I have continued to validate and try to be understanding when he talks. But he didn't even call to let me know he wasn't going to follow through with what he said? And then acted like it was no big thing?

Who is this person?

I'm making friends, going out to do things, trying to stay busy, but I often end up looking at this whole mess and wondering what happened? He tells me he's a big picture kinda guy, and I like to dwell on the details. Well, the devil is, as they say, in the details. A big picture is just a chaotic blurry mess without understanding those details.

But I get what he's saying. He was unhappy. I was unhappy. He believed he was unhappy because of me. He believed I was unhappy because of him. Therefore, getting rid of me would make us both happier.

Problem is, I wasn't originally unhappy because of him (not until he used the unhappiness factor as an excuse to have an EA). So now, in his own words, he's not happy or even happier, but can see his potential for happiness is greater if we are apart. He doesn't understand why I won't even entertain the thought that I would be happier without him. Uhhh, wedding vows? Nothing?

Well, I still am DBing. But yes, at some point I won't. I'm sure I'll know when to give up. I do understand his pain, if not his reasons. I've always known he was stubborn and held his emotions in. Sometimes he shares. Sometimes, lately, he even cries. I've heard sorry many times. I've forgiven. Still confused, though. He's depressed, but doesn't see it or know why.

I miss my husband. I wish he was still around. But I haven't seen that guy in so long. With the exception of a few ever decreasing fleeting glimpses, its been years.

[ciluzen]

Ok. More confusing weirdness today.

Tried to get D23 to go ski with me today, but she begged off so I went up by myself. Blasted the radio and yelled along (I would never call it singing) all the way up the mountain. I felt pretty good.

On my first lift ride, as I neared the top, I could see someone below and ahead of me looking up. And staring. As I got closer I realized it was H. He had told me last night he was thinking of not going, so I was a little surprised. He and one of the people I am going on my ski trip with were skiing together so he asked me to join them. I did. Then the friend cut off and said he was heading home and left us there.

I turned to H and told him he didn't have to ski with me. He told me I didn't have to ski with him. I headed down the hill and he followed. Then he asked if I wanted to do another run so we rode up together again. Skied to the lodge and he asked if I wanted some soup because he was freezing. We had a pleasant lunch and drinks that he paid for...no R talk. It felt like a slightly awkward date. Skied a bit more, then he left.

I continued on a bit longer. I'm getting better, faster,and more comfortable...more confident. Almost like I used to feel, only as a better skier.

Not sure why he does this, though. I guess it should make me happy that I can show him my changes during these interactions. But I wonder if he's just trying to prove to me that he's a "nice" guy, despite our situation. Guilt at play, maybe. I'll never know.

[Pax_luv]

Hi Cil,
I don't know how you do it.... Those interactions would drive me bonkers! You're not going to know if he's being authentic or just manipulating the situation, but kudos to you for being strong! Congrats on the ski runs! Ahhh there's nothing more exhilarating than gliding down a mountain with cool air hitting the face!

[inpain]

Oh Ciluzen how confusing for you with H blowing hot and cold like that! When I DBd the first time round, 9 years ago, my H did this. H would ignore me, not text or call for a week or more and then every so often he would take me and S, who was 2 at the time, out for a day out or out for tea. It went on for months. Eventually he asked me on a date just me and him and that's when he told me he wanted to come home to try. Don't want to get your hopes up but I'd say that as long as you feel OK with these interactions I'd keep doing them exactly how you are! Rooting for you!

[ciluzen]

Feyth, yes these interactions leave me confused and guessing. And IP, no my hopes at this point are not up. I'm just continuing to DB.
I know these things:

a) His mom has Alzheimers and it is eating at him, although he pretends it isn't- he says there's nothing he can do about it (an uncontrollable issue that causes him pain). He was closest to his mom.

b)His dad's behavior is of concern as well, as he is stressed out being her caretaker, has dangerously high blood pressure, and is a "control freak".

c)He is stressed out about money. He did not really think about retirement and opened his own business only a few years ago. We carry a lot of debt.

d)He constantly complains about getting old and being old.

e)He basically puts a happy face on and works (has told his staff about filing for D but will try very hard to make his office a pleasant place to work),goes home and goes to sleep. On weekends he tries to ski or go to our vacation home.

f)He still gets family time with Bubbles' family as if he is their uncle. His attempts to do activities with our kids have not worked well, but they will stop by his office to say hi. Nether has visited his apartment even though he has invited them.

g)He stubbornly holds on to the fantasy that I don't like him. I will only show him understanding, friendship, caring, compassion, and eye contact and smiles (not as a Stepford wife). I will look amazing.

H is not happy. I guess I just keep DBing and trying to show him I'm a positive force to be around...even as we divorce and sell the family home. We have some work to do on it to get it ready to sell...I believe we will do that together as ski season winds down. I will try not to show negative emotions around him during the D process and while working on the house. I will try to be supportive as I know whatever is going on with him, he is hurting, too.

[Rednail]

Ciluzen,

You are amazing. I hate when my Wah blows hot and cold.

I think you have to be so strong to keep dbing and being so positive with everything and you seem to be in a pretty good mindset and not emotional up and down right now but pretty stable.

I hope I am as strong as you are when I need to be.

Thinking of you. No good advice from me just moral support! Wish I had good advice.

[ciluzen]

Oh, rednail.
My emotions are crazy bad...up, down, and sideways. Mostly when I try to sleep at night. I think we all who are dealing with this are going through the emotional wringer. But strength? Its not exclusive to those who are stable. Its in all of us, as long as we get up each day and put one foot in front of the other, we are strong. Hoping those steps get us to the light at the end of the dark tunnel...whatever the light is, I'll take it in and hopefully get a great boost of vitamin D and a glowing tan.

[Rednail]

Thank you for reminding me I can be strong even while emotionally unstable. I love all the support and advice you guys all have and share.