Time for a new direction

[Sotto]

Hi M, much of what you post above resonates with me. I find it harder now to visualise getting close to H again. I feel more positive thinking about moving forward alone, or perhaps with an OP in time. I've mostly stopped missing him as a partner, and not sure if I would want a partnership with him again.

My advice would be, let it all keep percolating for now, and only change your approach when you feel more sure about what you want. There's no need to make any decisions until you are ready.

Take care xx

[HaWho]

Mleigh - it is clear from your post how much you have built your own life and how comfortable you are with that. You have done a really good job of moving forward! Kudos to you!!

One of the things that stuck out to me is that you mentioned that maybe some of this coincides with cutting the cord to your mother. Just keep one eye on that to be sure you aren't lumping them together.

Yes, I think it becomes easier and easier to see that distance between us and our spouses growing. I live with my MLCer and I talk more with the baristas at coffee shops than with my own h. Usually this entails the barista asking me how my coffee is and BAM, we've had a deeper conversation than I have had with my own h.

Of course it seems easier to move on as we've already pretty much done it. And because we're tethered to a person who, right now, has no interest in working on the marriage, that too makes it harder to see how the gap is going to close. It takes two to make a marriage and in all of our marriages, one spouse is in a walking coma.

[mleigh4]

I hope you guys know how much you mean to me. You truly are precious friends to me. Thank you for your continued support through this never-ending internal struggle!

Tonight is S night with H. H TM me today saying he had 7 am meeting, can he bring S home tonight? I told him yes, no problem. I picked up S, told him, he pumped his arm and said, YES! I love these nights! Lol. I love knowing he loves home so much So I was just getting ready to head S over to H for his brief visit, H TM that he just left work and asked, since he will be home late, can we just switch nights to tomorrow night? He actually is already watching S tomorrow night while I go to a work event, so it makes sense. But he asked if he could come by to at least visit with S tonight? Hmmmm. That is new. So I joked back that Thursday night's are my chick show and wine night, but ok! I added that I am making tacos, that he is welcome to join. He said yes, with a blushing, smiling emoji....

I cooked. Having my MLC Toolbelt on, knowing the MLC'er can be very unpredictable and unreliable, S and I did not wait for H to eat. Sure enough, 80 minutes after his previous text, H TM that his boss asked him to get a bite to eat and talk, not to wait for him. He told me he was still coming by though...I told him, no worries, we already ate

About 1/2 hour later, he shows up, in regular clothes and his regular truck. For some reason I thought he came straight from work. Anyway, said he went to get coffee with boss, boss wants to train him, boss's wife is terminally ill and he doesn't know what will be going down in the near future. He invited H to attend a corporate function with him in Chicago the first week of April, which H pointed out, is during his Bday.

Now, I will admit, my first thought was, OMG, H is planning a birthday get away with some chick and making all this up! But immediately, that vanished to, why would he make up a story, he can do whatever he wants these days! Lol. It felt good to know that fear, that used to keep me up every night, washed right through me. Definite progress.

Anyway, I just STFU. He said he told boss he will let him know, didn't know if he wanted to be away on his Bday. I remained quiet and just listened.

So we continued to chat, he hung out with son for a bit, and was on his way. He saw a flyer for whale watching that I had printed out for son and I to do, asked when because he would like to go, told him I will let him know.

It was some time, a small connection with him, I needed that right now. A sign? A message from H in reaction to my message? Or just a random twist? Who knows.

[CaliGuy]

M

Very well played on your part with H. I love that approach with dinner you took, like "hey sleeping beaut you are more than welcome to join but don't think for a minute I'm waiting for you to figure out when to arrive"
Knowing your sitch from day one I get the vibe he is at the least connecting with S but as your H does its at a snails pace ..... Wanting to go whale watching seems to be par for him Makin sure he still is involved .
I laughed at your thoughts on the BDay getaway, I still get those here and there and chuckle thinking if W did decide to run off and do something of that sort she would just be doing me a favor at this point ya know? As I've said .... Seems we get to a point where it's not that we trust them, we just trust we will certainly find out if they've done something that would overturn our applecart
As far as the "sign" ... I totally relate and might be just a small thing like w hugging me and putting her feet on my toes that keeps me standing but I think we need a crouton we can turn into a turkey just to keep us from slamming the door shut atleast God knows I need these things

[mleigh4]

You got it Cali! At this point, I am so ready for a reason to throw in the towel, that the fears I used to have have faded quite a bit. My confidence in knowing the truth always comes out and I will be fine is very strong.

Truth is, I need some nuggets to have a reason to keep standing for H. I need those random peek outs. By holding H at bay, I feel I have eliminated that possibility. I have not been ready for casual contact with H, but I believe that is changing....I suppose as we change our needs change.

I have built a whole new world and life for myself, and have been very wary of letting H in. Fact is, I am happy having my solo home, and it seems to be working for H as well. H wants to do family time, so if I am happy with my living sitch and in no hurry for him to come home, why keep him at bay, lose that family time for S, and keep myself from seeing peek outs? For some reason lately, it seems clearer to me. As long as I can do this without expectations, and truly just enjoy the time for the moment, (which I was not able to do for a long time), it's the only way I see possible for any type of reconnection. Having fun together, laughing together, is a truly attractive thing. I consider myself lucky to have this opportunity, I think it's time to appreciate it.

Back to taking day by day, but having the door a bit more open. I will see how this works for me.

[HaWho]

Mleigh - you did a really nice job of doing your own thing regarding the dinner situation.

And as much as I joke about your h being a sofa, when he peeks over that fence at you, he does actually talk to you about work and other things. That is nice and quite mature! (I am impressed because me h is texting me to bark hello to our dog.)

I saw your post on my thread saying that it is attractive to see men who accept their aging. I totally agree!! I see a lot of little boy in your h, but I am wondering if he has shown outward fear or disgust about his own aging? Does he dress younger or do any of that?

Can you believe this is our reality?!?

[mleigh4]

Hey Hawho,

My H likes to play like a boy, but works hard as a man. The last year prior to Bday, he became very aware of his aging. He hurt his arm really bad wakeboarding and I believe that was an eye opener for him. He was dying his goatee and clipping off all the grey hairs he couldn't get. He started clipping grey hairs on his chest, then starting trimming it down real short. He had a real hard time with losing his hair and started shaving that real short as well. He spent more time grooming than I did. I kept telling him he was getting more handsome, but wasn't enough I guess.

At Bday, he started wearing younger looking clothes and wearing cologne. He chose to hang out with younger single guys instead of his married friends. He was going to concerts and bike rallies, car shows...things he never showed interest in before and went out a lot during the workweek. He was staying out until 3 am every weekend.

At this time, when I see him, he is back to wearing his normal style clothes. He has let his goatee and shaved head go completely gray. I never smell cologne on him or in his truck. He has told me when he does not have S, he just works late. His jeep does not look like it has moved from its spot since he has been in his place. The boat has been sitting at FIL storage for 2 years. Seems he got that out of his system. His world seems to be all about work, it is all he talks about.

It is sad that this is our reality. But we have learned to make our lives what we want it to be. The only thing I really miss is travelling with a companion. I loved planning Caribbean vacations and seeing new places. I suppose I could do these alone, but doesn't sound as fun. I can do with son, but might be better when he is a little older. I need that crystal clear warm water!!

It seems your H has also played out his youth? It's nice to hear he seems to be accepting his age lately. It's not so bad if you take care of yourself and keep your spirit young, you know!!??

Had a dream a couple of nights ago that I came home to H having left me several bunches of flowers around the house. He also was here with H and was very apologetic for our sitch.

So not much to update here. Having a low key weekend with S. I picked him up from H this morning. H was saddened by my news of a co-worker and friend I was close to several years back who passed away yesterday. She simply didn't wake up, only 44 years old, happily married with a 6 year old daughter. They think it may be from a fall a couple months ago where she hit her head. I was surprised H remembered that we had gone to her wedding.

Had a work function last night. I hate having to get dressed up, but I enjoyed good company, good food and good wine.

Got up and walked dog for a 2 mile walk before heading to pick up S this morning. I am feeling very blessed for my good health, son and fur babies right now.

[job]

I am very sorry about your co-worker/friend. Unfortunately, her fall and hitting her head may have been the cause of her death. This is so very sad. I think Natasha Richardson may have had the same thing to her back in 2009.

I'm glad you got out of the house last evening even though it was a work function. Sounds like you had a good time.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend w/your son and fur babies.

[LouR]

Hi mleigh

Reading your latest posts it seems we are thinking and feeling the same kinda way, so its comforting to know its not just me.

Its funny you and HaWho talking about the change in your h attitude to ageing. I see that too - when I saw my h not long after he left he was into wearing shirts (he hated shirts, they remind him of work and ironing lol) designer jeans and he was wearing cologne. Now he has grown a beard and jokes about the grey, his bald spot and big belly (result of all the takeaways and eating out with ow lol). He went full on into trying out all sorts of things to find what he "likes", including a relationship and got himself into debt finding that he enjoys everything he did pre bd, just would like to do it more often - go to watch rugby, car events, catching up with mates.

It seems that they go full circle, learning along the way that what they had was actually good and it just needed tweeking to make it great -

I like your dream - you never know, it may be the universe or your guides telling you to hang on in there - its a topic that has recently been talked about on my thread ! Whist its not known why we actually dream, its said its a way of our subconscious processing and within our dreams could be the answers to questions we have.

Your h is needing his time and space to become whole, to be comfortable with who he is, its a journey of discovery and acceptance - acceptance is the hardest part. If he decides he wants to be in your life romantically again I am sure you would prefer him to be a balanced healthy partner and not the confused jumble he is currently.

For you, wow, you sound in a good place, knowing that you will be fine either way, enjoying your independence. Within your m you lost a piece of yourself, so now you have found it again and like the feeling of being you, you can take that forward into the future, with the lesson learnt of not to allow yourself yo get lost within a r again. I think that is what a lot of us have learnt through this process and will go forward much stronger, happier, healthier .....and wiser ...individuals.

Stay true to yourself and you can't go wrong. You keep me going, I don't feel alone on this endurance marathon (which I wish I had know about in advance so could have trained for lol)

[BrightFuture]

Hey mleigh, this MLCer aging thing is interesting subject, indeed. My H started doing more grooming right before the BD. I walked in on him once (came into the bathroom for something) and he was not happy about that. He started closing the bathroom doors at the same time too, I just thought I could go in there anyway as his W. But he became very private... He also became increasingly unhappy when we had to go to some event or dinner where he needed to wear nicer clothes, not just jeans and t-shirt. The reason was that he also could not wear his ball cap to cover his bolding head. So, now he lives in the place where there is no need for formal closing ever. I’ve heard some people said that they never saw him without a ball cap.

I also made my own life without H, but I also miss a companion when it comes to travel. As a matter of fact, I’ve been a bit stressed over the need to take a vacation this year, because I don’t have a travel companion. Oh well…

You are doing wonderfully! I’m glad that you came to the point when you are just enjoying what you have, including the family times with your S and H. I found that it also works best for me when I just sit quietly (like job says) and wait for the things to unfold. I feel that things are slowly progressing towards where I need to be. And one day a decision to go one way or another will be so easy.

Have a great weekend!