Time for a new direction

[mleigh4]

Hi all, time for a new thread.

Dropped off S with H tonight. Usually H comes right out, tonight he did not. Got S stuff together from my truck, as S was getting out, he asked, why hasn't daddy come out yet? I said, maybe he did not hear us drive up? S said, oh yes he did, he has a thing set up over there that beeps when someone drives in....

OMG, my husband has gone crazy. What if he has set up some gadgets around here to see what is going on at the house??? Ok, trying not to be as paranoid as him.....

I will take some time to process and think, but I am definitely feeling some big changes happening in me. With it being one year since H moved out, with not one single change, I am doing some deep soul searching. I would love to say, here is to another year of limbo, but I am just not feeling it.

I am feeling some sense of urgency to change this....I am going to try to quiet myself down in hopes of slowing down from making a left turn ahead to "doneville"

[job]

Your h may have had some problems at his "camp". He could have set the motion sensor up because the owner of the "camp" has been coming around. A lot of people have those sensors set up to alert them if someone is coming in their drive. Maybe solicitors have been dropping by trying to sell stuff....but the sensor thing isn't something I would be concerned about.

Sounds like your h had something else he was doing last night or maybe he was in a cranky mood and didn't want to have to put on a happy face to greet you.

Yes, you probably do have some changes going on within you. Make those changes work for you and your son. Nothing you say or do will change the path that your h is on right now, but you do have control over what you do on your path.

Sit quietly, the answers will come.

[job]

I wanted to post this link here to Was2Sad's new thread who has been divorced 10 years and it now appears that they may be piecing a bit.

Piecing After 10 Yr D

[mleigh4]

Thanks Job. I am doing some really good thinking and am coming up with some ideas.

I also have been thinking very much of a good friend who's wife decided she wanted a divorce after over 10 years of marriage and a daughter who is the same age. She pushed for a quick D, he did not want it, tried to talk her out of it, but finally gave in. Shortly after, she realized she made a mistake....they are now back together but remain living in 2 different homes. Everyone is happier than ever, it works for them.

I hope that story gives some of you hope. I will keep doing my processing and update once I think some things through....

Thank you for the link Job, I look forward to reading it!

Have a great week everyone

[CaliGuy]

Alright, Cali and Hawho, you are 2 that stick out in my mind that have the patience of Saints. Seriously, I read your posts, you guys are thrown curve balls left and right, and remain solid and calm in standing. How are you doing this?? Please fill me in on your secret....because I get thrown nothing but niceness, and I feel like throwing something, kicking dirt on H shins, and having a tantrum.

I really don't know how you guys do it. Cali, at least you are getting mini R talks here and there, so you know a bit what is spinning in W. Maybe it helps in having something to work with?

M, you must realize I always spit out my drink whenever anyone accuses me of being ‘patient’ as its somethings I often find myself struggling with which I believe in any LBS who is dealing with an MLCr and their crisis , we are not talking weeks nor months here … YEARS are required .. YEARS. I think for me M, the biggest thing is I would not be doing anything differently. Strange as it is I currently have little to no urge to have someone else fill that void W left when the crisis took her (just starting over in a R at this point makes me do that ‘there are cockroaches in my pants’ dance), when job compared it to the coma I was nodding my head in agreement because that is very similar to how I have approached it. I know there are times during this that we all would rather toss in the towel and call it quits, I have been there more than once I assure you ….” I may quit but not today” has been said in my head often during all this. I understand your frustration as you can not see if H is even working on things … if we can get a scrap here or there it does fuel us and helps keep us standing and its frustrating thinking we are holding out for God knows what and this all may possibly be all for not if they never do emerge from the tunnel. I do get it …. And as has been said there is a time when we all will know when to drop the rope and walk away for good … that is your choice.



The fact he did not come out …. I honestly think it was due to your mini-blast about the sitch … Pressure+MLC=Funtimes right? Their crisis and whatever they need to figure chit out … has little to do with us so the best we can do is leave them to it and during that time continue to work/rebuild/heal ourselves. Have you ever stopped to look at M now vs then? Just check stock and measure the serious amount of progress you have made in this last year …. I see a woman who has her chit together and has her house on lockdown making improvements and really took the bull by the horns ….. H even in the fog sees this. M just continue to do YOUR thing … if he wakes/peeks out great …. Do not feel like you are trapped nor tied to his sinking ship because you are far from that, you have blossomed into a remarkable woman through all this.

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - you are too hard on yourself! You are among us, patient as well! Look at how long you've been standing with your sofa of a h. (That is not a typo- your MLCer is about as active as a piece of furniture!!)

But to answer, I have no plans to date. Even if I divorced today, I don't want to introduce my kids to another man. I certainly don't judge anyone who chooses to do differently. I do, however, regret telling my h this. In one of his clear moments we talked about things and I told him I was not interested in other men. I should not have tipped my hand. But he is snooping on me so maybe his wheels are turning?

As for reason #2: as I've posted, I went through a depression myself. It was the first of my life and a truly bizarre experience. H stood by me and now I attempt to do the same. Although, distance from him has shown me that my relationship with him/start of his MLC was THE driving force for my own depression. The irony!!!

Also, my mother was depressed my whole life. I did learn to borrow down into some part of myself to survive. I was the youngest and the only one to live with her alone. It was really hard. Sadly, there were times I had to put myself first while my mother put herself first. I am right back in that same saddle. Someday, maybe I will post some of the crazy stuff that happened as some of it is SO funny.

The similarities between my mother and my h make me wag my finger at heaven and say: heads are gonna roll when I get up there!!! (Okay, who am I kidding? *If* I get up here.)

I think in the times I feel like I need movement I ask myself, what do I want to do differently? The answer: not much. I work full-time, play competitive tennis, hike, read and do tons with my boys. I should be seeing my friends more often and this is something I need to orchestrate.

Let me ask you this: in the moments you want change, what do you imagine doing? Do you have other things you want to do with your life or do you mostly have discomfort with the fact that your future relationship with your h is unknown?

[BrightFuture]

Oops, I posted on your other thread. Here it is again:

HaWho, you crack me up, “sofa of a H”!

Job, thanks for the link. I already checked it out and the story sounds interesting.

Mleigh, your story about you friends is also inspiring. You just never know what can happen down the road. I just don’t want to think that it will take 10 year for our spouses to realize what they had and chose to give up, and then want it back... I always had a hope that this process would be a bit faster.

I think I read it on your thread a recommendation to read about daughters of narcissistic mothers. I did… Now I can better understand why I was the way I was. My mother was not exhibiting all the conditions, but.. oh boy, there were quite a few. I think I dealt with most of the damages in the last couple of year, with the exception of the ability to set firm boundaries. I still struggle with that.

I agree with job. Your last conversation with H spooked him a bit. He now has to think about the answers, poor guy, LOL. He thought that everything is just going to be the way it is. You are still in the picture, doing all kinds of family stuff with him, but he has his own place and nothing to worry about. Sometimes you have to shake them off in order to get some movement in direction or another. I have a feeling that you are so ready to do that.

[Sotto]

Hi M, I agree that your H's reaction is in response to your message to him. The status quo was probably pretty comfortable just now for him and you just tipped up the apple cart. I would agree with others, just take your time and what you truly want will become clearer.

Take care xx

[mleigh4]

Wonka - thank you so much for directing me to look into daughters of narcissistic mothers. She has many of the traits, spot on. Me as a daughter, I have the issues of boundaries, self esteem, fear of upsetting her, guilt...so many things that come into play in my relationship with H. I am on the right track of healing from her abuse, including no contact, which many do after trying to live with it, followed by avoiding contact. I have a new focus of some self help work to do.

Job - the sensors concern me because those are on top of the surveillance cameras he has inside and outside his place. It's like Fort Knox over there! He does not want anyone sneaking up on him, that is for sure. I enjoyed the piecing story, thanks again. Ok, been giving the coma scenario a lot of thought and have found it very helpful. Thankfully, it isn't the case, but:

H is unable to communicate with me about his thoughts and feelings.
H is unable to make any big choices or decisions right now.
I don't know how long it will be if and when he wakes up.
I don't know who or what he will be like if he does.

That is pretty heavy to accept but very true. I get it. No, it would not seem right to leave him or give up on him in this condition.

Cali - I actually do daydream about having someone in my life, someone with different personality traits then H. I miss having a companion. Now, in reality, would that be good for me and S right now. No. Would I be able to do that and hide it from S? No. That feels icky just to think of it. So, would anything change if I pursue D? Yes, but not a whole lot in my favor, other than being free of limbo. In all honesty, I love the way my lifestyle is right now and I truly enjoy my space at home, I enjoy being R free, I am so excited about the coming spring and summer, I even have come to enjoy my S free nights.

Hawho - I love your description of H! Actually, sad to say, even his normal personality can be quite boring. I am the lively one. But most the time, I was happy and grateful for H low key ways, compared to the drama marriage stories I would hear from friends. Little did I know H was just waiting to blow. Interesting that you see similarities between your mom and H, and the strain they cause you. I am there. I have been wondering if my stand to cut off my mom is what is causing me to want to cut off H too? Kill 2 birds with one stone, you know? To answer your question, I think my urge to give up comes from the huge disconnect that has evolved with H....more on that in my journal later.

Bright - I am sorry you too have issues with your mom. I hope we can learn how to heal properly from that.

Sotto - I agree. H is definitely acting on my message to him. I see a total change in his demeanor...

Which comes to me journaling some thoughts that have been swirling through my mind.

My message to H, that I am ready to finish what has been started, that I know I will be A OK. Ya, he did not like that. He has been short and sounded very down when he called S last night in a response to a TM I sent him. He couldn't look me in the eye the other day either. I can see, there was no reason for me to throw that out there. Those were just hurtful statements, and I do believe it hurt him. I learned from the best (mom) and I don't want to behave that way. I had already told him he is free to get the rest of his things, I could have just left it at that. I see it and lesson learned.

I had spent the morning with my girlfriend that day and did a lot of talking about H. I am seeing a pattern that it gets me feeling a bit riled up, a bit frustrated. She tends to not understand how I can be happy being man free. She tips from hoping H wakes up to trying to set me up! She means no harm, but my message could have been a reaction from that. I have learned that the less I talk about it, the better. I have just been feeling so many changes going on within me, it felt natural to try and talk it out.

So, I believe much of my turmoil comes from feeling completely disconnected from H. Basically, we live like we are divorced. Our contact is in relation to S. The more time that goes by, the further we drift from one another. I don't see this getting any better....

So I have been pondering some thoughts. Either I can get myself into the mindset, we are divorced, just continue to live my life as is and accept that until one of us is ready to make it legal. And of course, who knows what may happen during that time, but try not to think about that.

Or....would more contact be better for us? H had already expressed recently that he wanted to be a part of things I did with S, and I snapped back at him that he can't have that when he leaves his family. However, if I could balance in some family time without thinking of it as cake eating, without it sending me into a tailspin, it could help me to feel some connection with him. It could be the start of us rebuilding a closer friendship, then who knows what....truth is, I think we both like and prefer our living situation right now, so would it be bad to spend time together? Hard to believe I consider this, I have been so against it, but I wonder if in my case that might be a mistake. It could be pushing me further away. I am talking about ME, not H.

Just thinking it out and going to keep thinking it out. I just see myself drifting further and further away from having anything to hold on to with him. So many of my feelings are fading with our lack of time together, I find it harder and harder to see myself feeling close with him again. I would think that is normal, the less time you spend with someone, the more they fade in your life...

I am staying quiet, lots going on in my mind right now. Still listening for those answers. I know they will come!

[Irish M]

hi Mleigh :-)

you are sounding so disconnected from your H.

The more you drift away from him the stronger you will be.
I have some friends too that flip from saying " move on, so much out there be happy" to " she will regret what she lost and come back".

i'll decide when it's time to move on. For now i'm good. Still working on me.

Still sad that they can't look at us in the eyes the way they use to.

Irish