Well DB family, today I dropped Woofie off at my STXW's for the last time. On Monday I head out on my grand adventure sans my little buddy and the space in my heart for my WAW as my W.
Today was beautiful. And heartbreaking. We ended up speaking for a few hours about all manner of things, mostly us. My STXW told me how upset she was last week by my kissing her on the cheek. She felt like it was a violation of the boundary that she has clearly set by filing for D. I had no idea.
She added though that she also felt, and has been told by her attorney, that I'm stalling the D. This is not the case. The last conversation I had w/ my attorney I was told to just sit tight until they had made some kind of proposal. So I've done nothing.
Since my W hasn't brought it up, I haven't brought it up as is with DB guidelines. She took this as me trying to halt the process despite me knowing she wanted it all wrapped up before I left. She told me again I was the PP of old - the one who says one thing and does another. It simply wasn't true.
Thus she was upset by me kissing her as she felt like I was stalling and then crossing boundaries. I apologized and explained. She did reverse course and say she could see how from her calling me, asking me to dinner and then never hearing about the divorce from my attorney that she may be questioning her decision. Although I'm not the PP of old, I'm also not interested in being with a woman who can't see me for the massive changes I've made, when every other person in my life is in awe of them. I feel I deserve to be with someone who recognizes for who I am first, and then my potential mistakes second.
And then she calmly and lovingly told me she simply doesn't want to be with me at all. Not out of anger, and not out of hurt. She's not in love with me, and feels that I was as addicted to her as I was to my other challenges and us getting back together would only set us both back. I was part of her old life and she's forging a new one, one that's being affirmed at every turn the further she stays from me.
I've told you all on here that I've felt chemistry between my WAW and I when we met for swaps, as well as being confused by what seemed like her coming closer to me. I felt nothing today but her truly letting me know, she wants to D me, she doesn't want to be with me, and she hopes that I find someone who does.
I believe her. And I want to find someone who does when I'm ready. But first I whole heartedly need to let my W go. We had our time, and it was a rough one. There were moments of beauty and amazement, and so many challenges. She told me of her own struggles in our M, of her FOO issues and how they played out identically in our M and how she's promised herself to never repeat them. I believe to her I am a direct representation of them.
It may not be true DB'ing, but again, I believe her. I want her to be happy, I want her to find someone that she trusts, and she still doesn't trust me. I'm not sure she ever will. She doesn't know the man I am today, but she doesn't want to. She's also not going to see me for 12 months and I am truly letting her go.
I'm going to contact my attorney on Monday and find out why I haven't been kept in the loop about this moving forward.
Honestly fam, I'm at peace again. I told her I love her. I told her she'd always have a place in my heart as someone I travelled a good portion of my life with. She cried when I told her. She told me the same.
If our paths cross again in the future, I'll be delighted. If they don't, I'll love her from afar. I'm a huge fan of hers and always will be.
In closing, I love my W. I didn't love being married to her. I loved being married and what I thought it represented - the security, the teamwork, the partnership. Bu the intimacy was not there with us. Neither of us trusted the other.
I hated the man that married her. And he only got worse with her. I love the man that I am now. And see how our dynamic made me worse when we were together, and not better. I also see how our dynamic made her worse when we were together, and not better. I'll take us both being who we were meant to be apart than who we were together.
This place has been a sanctuary for me. A true blessing. I had no idea how I would survive the worst experience of my life and this board is in large part responsible for why I can say I'm thriving like never before. DB'ing works if you work it. It's so damn hard, and so counterintuitive but it does work. Please be kind to yourselves where ever you are in your sitch's. Please be kind to your spouses, even the WW ones. We're all just trying to do the best we can with the tools we have.
I love you all, thank you again. And no, I won't be disappearing on you completely.
With my heart,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
PP good luck with your journey you have supported me through some very hard times I hope to become half the man you are or perhaps I will strive to be an equal
Man hugs to you
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Great post PP. One of the hardest aspects of this is finding that man insise us that can still love, that can still be kind, who can avoid being the victim and lashing out even when deeply wounded. The man that can see and use this negative experience as fuel for positive change. The man only a fool would leave. You have done all of the above and inspire me to keep doing the same. Good luck with your trip.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
PP...this is a beautiful post. You are so right. Sometimes two people can love one another deeply but simply not be good for each other. You very much deserve to find someone who can see you for the man you have become, and the man you have so much potential to be. You are growing and changing and becoming better all the time. When you're ready, you will find that someone who can walk the path with you and appreciate you for everything you are. On that day, every step of this journey will have been worth it.
Been a little while since I posted, thank you for checking up on me. Rd, you're still my hero. V, I hope to hug you in real life some day. Anna, I bet you're just gorgeous in real life...
I've been dropping by threads when I can to lend some support, but like many of that have been here for a bit, it's hard to see all the new posters and feel the panic and anxiety bursts that come from reading their threads. I can viscerally feel their pain.
Here's my update.
Life sitch: Amazing. I feel as blessed as a man could be despite my external circumstances. I'm on the road, traveling, meeting incredible people, watching synchronistic events unfold left and right. Been reading eye opening books (Daring Greatly, Return to Love) and listening to inspirational podcasts everyday that have seeped into my being and I can feel the change in my day to day experience. Most days I find myself SO overcome with gratitude. So much so that sometimes it stops me in my tracks for a second and I say out loud, "Woh!"
Today I spent the morning volunteering at a nursing home, reading to patients, listening to war stories (WWII - my lord those guys were badasses), and enjoying the chit out of the older folks. Despite the joy I get from the people, it's a tough place to be and I have to stop and catch my breath sometimes. Suffering is everywhere. Some people whisper that they want to leave but they're not allowed, that they hate it there and can't wait to die. One man started crying and said he wished God would just take him and he can't figure out why he's left in there to suffer. I cried in my car when I left, I just couldn't shake it after hearing that.
It's sobering to see so vividly the juxtaposition between spending a life fearing, and trying to avoid death only then to wish for it so earnestly. It adds an appreciation for life, an understanding in the power of time and impermanence. I'm not sure the impact all of this is having on me but I know it's reorganizing my thought patterns and DNA.
DB was like a PhD in being human, this is something else entirely. I head into the gym every night with a renewed thankfulness for the health and vitality I still have, which also makes transmuting that last bit of anger I can't seem to shake over my failed M all the easier. What a blessing it is to still be able to do everything I want with my body.
If you're reading this, I hope you take pause and despite the pain in your heart or the anger, or the turmoil, or the frustration or whatever it may be, I hope you find gratitude under there somewhere. It's there. My goodness is it delicious.
Marriage Sitch:
NC with my W since my last post - about 5 weeks. Not a word. Getting pics of Woofie involves reaching out to her so I don't do it. I'm almost at the point where I miss him more than I miss her, but I don't want to hear her voice or even see her name on my phone so I just look at the 10,000 photos of him I still have with me.
When I left my W was upset that I was "stalling" our D, even though I wasn't - I'm just not helping. I've submitted everything I owe to my attorney, who oddly enough, hasn't returned my last two emails checking in with her to ask if there's anything else she needs from me to get this finalized.
I guess this means I'm still getting D'ed as far as I can tell. Haven't heard otherwise, and the last time I spoke to my W she was adamant. As I've said before, my life has changed so much since BD that I'm not sure reconciliation would be a good thing anyway - I can't be with a fool! My life course has shot in a completely new direction, one that I wouldn't trade for all the tea in China, or my old M.
I've never in 40 years woken up this inspired, feeling this connected to my friends, family and even strangers. I have nothing to hide in my life any more so opening up and being honest with people let's me connect on a level that is completely foreign but so so soul filling. Intimacy my new jam and I'm loving it.
I've also never felt like I was more on the right path than I do right now. Not only do I really like the guy in the mirror now, I'm fascinated by what he's doing. Everyday I get an email, text or message somehow that the writing I'm putting out helped someone through a difficult time, or helped them decide to get sober, or to start believing in themselves. That in itself is worth every ounce of suffering from last year.
Yes, I still miss my W, I truly do. I miss her laugh, her smile, and the smell of her hair. I miss watching her mind work and holding her hand while we walked our little moron. I don't miss the feeling that she was going to leave any day, and I was going to die when she did.
I've talked to a few people on here about the theory of islands, and truly I miss parts of the old island I lived on. Fortunately, exploring the new island is just so damn amazing, invigorating, and inspiring that I often forget about the old island completely. This is happening more often than not now.
Some days I still get a quick shot to the back of the knees from a memory. Hearing my friends are all pregnant is tough too to be honest. Those days I just take a deep breath and find ten things about my life that I'm grateful for. By the time I get to 6 I'm solid again, the last 4 are just icing on the cake.
To wrap this up, as I wrote to Mutatio last week, I now believe whole heartedly that happiness is a choice, joy is a choice, and "reality" is completely subjective and negotiable. Truly it is. When you're struggling, find something to be grateful for and then build on that. If you struggle two minutes later, go back to being grateful. It's hard to be anything else when you're overcome with gratitude even if that may mean stepping outside of your own drama for a few minutes just to try.
Cheers everyone. Hugs to you all.
412 days sober,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
PP firstly , great job on sobriety , tough road but your doing it. Secondly Truly inspiring post We all now the pain of losing a partner but you've chosen to be happy and , wow , that's great
You are a good man and your tales of the nursing home were very sad but brought home the joy life is
You've come a long way Grasshopper. It seems as if you've just snatched the pebble from the master's hand. I am proud of you my friend, you've become a mensch.
The journey we take in this life can be transformational. All it takes is for one to open their eyes and open their heart. If you do this one's ego will dissolve and joy & beauty will appear all around you. Be well dear friend and enjoy now
PP...thank you for the very sweet compliment. I think the same of you. I love reading about your adventures and wish I were half as brave to undertake such a transformational journey.
I love your post about gratitude. During this very tough time, I think it helps so much to focus on all that I have to be grateful for. Thank for the reminder. Thank you for sharing your experiences about moving forward. It sounds like you are doing very well. It fills me with hope for my choice to be happy in the future. Keep us posted on your adventures.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
PP, I love the idea of exploring the new island while still missing some aspects of the old island. Somehow, I can relate to that. Great image. Here's to hoping you come across some buried treasure in your explorations!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Spoke to my L yesterday...only took three emails and a phone call to get a response from her. Apparently she still hasn't heard a peep from my STXW's L which is odd. Not odd in any positive sense, just more odd in the "everything since BD has been confusing" sense.
When I left home two months ago my W was angry that I was stalling the D, and her attorney had told her that this was a ploy by me. She actually called me two faced and said I was a hypocrite and a liar. Yet as of yesterday, (if my L is telling the truth) they haven't moved at all on this.
My STXW was very clear on my last day that she wasn't a D, wants this all taken care of by the time I leave the country in a few weeks, and hopes I find someone who loves me and wants to be with me - and reiterated that person wasn't her! (such a love)
Doesn't change anything, it actually frustrates me a bit at this point as it appears to be mixed messages. Like so many people on here it feels like a slow meander down the plank, although it does feel like the waters below have a lot more potential for fun and excitement than they are filled with hungry sharks.
Sincerely,
A slightly confused PP.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Your wife is on her journey. With you out of the picture she owns all the baggage. Treat her to your world famous kindness and compassion. She may be struggling. Peace
Thank you V, I wish I had known what "projecting" was back in the early days of my sitch. I think it would have saved me from mentally trying to defend myself over and over.
Mutatio!! Good to have you on here my friend, I appreciate your wisdom. I'm not sure what to do with my STXW. I'm 7 weeks of NC, and I mean NC NC. Haven't even reached out for a photo of my dog since that means talking to her or remembering she's alive.
True story: Last night I actually had a dream that we were getting remarried. The last time this happened my IC, who is a Jungian Analyst, got all excited as he said it was a powerful dream.
Well, in last nights dream, we were about to start the ceremony and I pulled my phone out and texted my best friend, "$20 says she gets up and walks right out in the middle of this."
Funny, but not funny. I guess I'm a little bit wiser the second time around.
Deep breaths yet again today for us all.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
PP, still loving the journey your taking this year. It's such an inspiration to see parts of it unfold. Who knows why W is dragging her feet with thr paperwork, in the end it either will or will not happen and that's not something you can control anyway.
Those dreams will get ya, I've had so many strange ones this last year. It's even more surprising how often their meaning match up to my life when I look them up. Keep up the amazing work.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
True story: Last night I actually had a dream that we were getting remarried. The last time this happened my IC, who is a Jungian Analyst, got all excited as he said it was a powerful dream.
Not to butt in - but I've been hating dreams with my W, my subconscious realizes my sitch and I suddenly pop up wide awake knowing it's not real.
Last week I had a dream where I was sitting watching a movie and the W comes in and sits next to me, holds my hand and puts her head on my shoulder and says "I'm sorry". I was all "wow, maybe we can..." and then I bolted awake.
Later the next morning (I was up all night after that) the L calls me saying the W's L called - saying that the W said she wanted to stop the D. Had I been talking with her? Are we going to reconcile? I had no idea what my L was talking about. The L asked me to reach out and see what was going on. I said I would - and then thought better of it and did nothing. I hadn't seen that early that morning the W had texted me saying "I told my L to stop the D".
I excitedly logged on here, almost doing somersaults. But I knew I shouldn't allow myself to get that way. And everybody else here did too.
So, about 9 hours after being texted (and only a couple of hours after I saw the text, really) I texted back "what do you mean by this" and to please email, not text as I rarely catch text messages (not a phone person).
almost 24 hours later, she emails me saying she meant something totally different than "stop the divorce" and was more giving me a lecture on how her lawyering up and demanding everything was an "us" thing, the lawyers were protracting things for their own benefit, and we were better than to have these disagreements. She then suggested a friend as a mediator.
I never answered back. Combination of heartbroken and ticked off. 3 days later we had our first court date and she was doubling down on demands and backing out of promises. She sure forgot that email pretty darned fast.
Stupid dreams.
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
Friday was my STBXW's bday. We have had zero contact since January despite there being any real animosity. I sent her a "happy bday, hope you have a great day" text and went about my day. No reply from her.
That's my update. Not a big deal at this point. My L still says she's heard nothing from my STBXW's camp so we're still in a holding pattern. Hold we will.
I've met a ton of fascinating people while traveling, both men and women and hear the same story over and over about the struggles people are engaged in both in their relationships and in their personal lives. Has opened me up to both how un-unique my sitch is as well as giving me more empathy for the struggles my W must have had in order to walk out.
One more day on the journey...
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
My wife's birthday is this month and I will wish her a happy birthday but that's it, anything more would seem like pursuit.
I like these Yogi Berra sayings. In regards to your marriage, The future ain't what it used to be. In regards to your wife, it ain't over till it's over. PigPen, be well my friend
Hi Pig Pen, It's great to hear an update from you and I'm so pleased to hear you are doing well and consistently learning. You are quite an enlightened individual. Isn't interesting to really learn how many people have sadness or heartache in their lives? Such a taboo topic I guess, but I think it's great that you are out there and connecting with others. This is what the human experience is all about.
Looking forward to the next post.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Thanks everyone, appreciate all the support and those who are following my journey.
Tomorrow is my 1 Year Anniversary of DB'ing! Woah!! I can't even begin to list all of the changes that have happened in that year, feels like a lifetime.
Tomorrow I'm also meeting up with some fine people who are in a similar situation to my own in lovely Las Vegas - can't wait to meet them in person.
Last night I had a dream about my STXW, nothing major but she popped into the dream. I've been extra curious as to why the D wasn't moving forward quickly as that was her wish when I spoke to her last.
Well, tonight I got an email from my L entitled "The Sleeping Dog Has Awakened." My STXW has submitted all of her information and is restarting the D. 7 months after filing and 16 months after BD. Looks like it's back in motion.
We've been strict NC for the last three months, not a peep, so I know it's just a formality at this point. The curiosity hadn't given in to hope so I'll probably ruminate on it tonight and then let it go. She's living her life, I'm living mine.
I think on some level I'll be relieved when this is all said and done as there will be no tie between us, and I won't say "Well I'm still legally married." It'll be over completely and that will free me up 100% to get on with my life. I'm sure even the minute and distant tie of the legality still plays a role in my life and the decisions I make moving forward.
Can't believe a year ago I found this site and joined up. God what a lifesaver it has been.
Cheers from the road everyone. One more week wandering around the states and then I'm off to South America until August.
Keep DB'ing, keep realizing that life will go on and that you can make it as incredible and amazing as you want, even with hurt feelings and scars.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
PP...your post reminded me of something I read once about the Japanese art of Kintsugi. It involves repairing broken pottery with gold or silver, and afterwards, the piece is thought to be more beautiful for having been broken. I suspect it is the same with people too.
Hi PP, sorry to hear about the D moving forward. But you are sounding good and I'm sure you will work through things as you have done with everything so far.
Enjoy meeting up with folk in similar situations. That has helped me a lot (d group) - and hope the rest of your trip goes well.
It's hard to believe BD was just a year ago for you as you have come a long way since then.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
PP , my man !!!! Great to see an update Your journey seems to be spiritual as well as physical. Your a lucky man.
Re the D , hay ho , piece of paper and who knows what lies behind it , maybe W is trying to get your attention or maybe she's planning on moving to the rain forest to marry Dave , the leader of a long forgotten tribe of head shrinkers !!!!!!! Either way , it's just another chapter in the book of PP , currently on chapter , living my life to the full.
I look forward to seeing you've posted because you never fail to show what's possible Your fight against your demons and then the trauma of your sitch have really changed you into an incredible person. Glad to be an online bud and proud to know a man who is capable of such growth.
Keep living your life to the max brother. Big hug. Rd
Hey PP... just got on here to check on folks and I'm so glad to see your adventure is all you'd hoped it would be. South America! I hope you have the time of your life!
Interesting how we began DBing around the same time. I wasn't legally married, which in a way made things more challenging but in another made it easier to get to the point you're looking forward to when the divorce is final. I didn't expect the finality of moving out to feel so liberating, but it truly did - and I suspect you'll find the same is true for you. I'm in a great place now. Moved a few towns over into a wonderful community, lots of trees and green and streams - feels like I'm always on vacation. Except that I'm also always working this startup job I love. When I'm not spending time with my kids, who as it turns out didn't move so far away and enjoy hanging out with me sometimes, and spending time with my new girlfriend - she's been a healer and such an unexpected blessing in my life.
When I look back over the past year I also can't believe how much has happened, how much has changed - how much I have changed. And indeed, how much better things are now then I would have admitted they were before the bomb drop.
Hope everything continues to go well for you, PP. Thanks for all your support and hugs during those tough, tough times. Would love to meet you for a beer someday!
Hugs, Dif
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Been a LONG time since I've updated but will fill anyone in who's interested. I've searched the forums, all new names, so much heartbreak. Eh.
I'm still married, although at this point I email my attorney ever week and ask her what the hold up is. No kids, no house, STXW accusing me of stalling, etc. Should have been done a long time ago in my opinion. I've even told my STBX, the one I fought and fought and fought for - I have no place for her in my life any more. The people I surround myself with now are nothing short of inspiring, and she is not. It was one of the most liberating things I've ever said.
But, I'm also still following Cadet's advice and using the time to my advantage.
I still have another two and a half months of travel ahead of me, there have been so many incredible experiences this year, too many to list. One of the highlights that I'll try to elude to here and still keep my anonymity is giving a TED talk last month. If you google pain, guru, and TED, you'll find me. The talk was the culmination of so much of what I've learned from BD onward. I got a standing ovation at the end of it, walked off stage, and then fell apart from the release. I felt like I finally got to tell my story publicly and inspire people to use what they're going through to their advantage - just like DB'ing teaches us.
Believe it or not, on four separate occasions this year, I've stopped, taken a deep breath and said out loud, "Thank god she left me." That is the truth. A truth I never would have thought possible when first coming on here, nor when I got served, nor when she sued me for our dog, nor when I was nearly suicidal over the entire thing early on. Please take note of that those of you who feel like your lives are over, that your M ending is death, and that life isn't worth living any more.
Your life is over, thank god. It was an older, lesser version of the one you now get to create. Your M ending is a death, the death of something that needed to die - now you get to create a new one with your S or with someone that won't walk out on you. And life, oh life is so much more magical than you ever could have imagined - IF - you follow Cadet's advice and use the time your spouse has given you. Use it wisely, fiercely, and selfishly. Dedicate a portion of each day entire to you, your well being, your education, your spiritual growth, or anything at all that makes you happy. You now get to do you, over and over and over again.
I'm 21 months into this ordeal, and can say with 100% certainty - I'm over my W. I don't think about her any more, when I hear about her it doesn't pull on me, and as stated, on four occasions I've thanked the Universe for her leaving. The pain is exquisite, crushing, and on some days more than any of us feel we can bear, but it's also the greatest catalyst for positive change you will ever receive - so use it while you have it. Soon enough it will be gone, as will the incredible drive it provides you with.
RD - my life has become the great adventure I always wanted. My days are spent in conversation with truly fascinating people, people who just like me are putting themselves out there, daring bravely, and trying to make the world a better place. I laugh louder than I ever did in my marriage, and most importantly, love the guy staring back at me in the mirror in the mornings. If I had to trade my M in for that, it was well worth it. Right now I'm still in the southwest of the US, but have set my life up so that I'll be traveling to teach and lead seminars for the next few years - intentionally homeless, with the whole world as my home.
For those of you in the thick of misery - it does get better. Believe me, it does. Whole worlds open up to you if you'll let them. This too shall indeed pass. Trust in the DB process, trust in finding something to be grateful for especially on the days when that may only be "I'm half alive." Trust in the advice the vets give you on here, and trust in the little voice inside of yourself that's telling you "It's all going to be ok, in fact, if you do this right, it's going to be better than you ever imagined."
Cheers to you all, hugs to you all, love to you all.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
There is not many of us left here, I still come here and post to those from my tribe (end of 2014 beginning of 2015.) I'm not ready to let go of these people just yet.
RD left the board, in not such a great place. Have a read of his thread. It got really hard for him in the end, and I understand from those that keep in touch with him, that he has maintained his humor and good heart, but still not found freedom. If you ever have the time to lend your ear and heart to him, I am sure he would appreciate it.
As for the others, well it does for what it does, the evolution of situations, that involve children, are more complicated that yours and mine were ever going to be. Small blessings right! I feel their pain as if it was my own. But that are good people, who are doing the work, with what they have available to them. I admire them and love them more than any of them could ever know.
I am glad your have found the type of success and personal fulfillment that your journey has taken you on, sometimes a disaster in one's life is the stepping stone, to some so beautiful and true. I knew great love existed and I found it. I have found such great healing from the special man that is in my life. I feel myself healing more every day. I struggle at times, with how happy I am in may life, and yet the very dear friends I made here, continue to gain their freedom.
I have vowed to myself that they are my friends and provided relief to me at at time when death seemed far too inviting. So I will run with them on this marathon until they can revel in the same freedom that you and I experience.
I am fortunate to have called her friend at a hard time in my life, I hope I get to call you friend in the abundance.
My wife's birthday is this month and I will wish her a happy birthday but that's it, anything more would seem like pursuit.
Does my something really lovely from the kids then nothing from me. Card from kids too. Is that okay - surely it's wrong not to do that! I had decided on a card but I think not from me.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
"Does helping to kids to make something really lovely from the them but nothing from me count as pursuit? Card from kids too. Is that okay - surely thats okay? I had decided on a card but I have changed my mind and think not from me now."
Typos apologies.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
I did. Amazing. Very inspirational. Don't fancy the pitch black room to teach me about accepting pain - but I will read up on that. Loved the way your brought Ernest alive.
You have a talent for presenting. There's something of the theatre in you I think.
I am very pleased for you. You seem to have found peace. Perfect.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
I recently reread Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning". My friend misremembered the book and said something like 'Wasn't he able to find happiness in the middle of a concentration camp', and I find that's a common misnomer. Sure, he had moments of relief, or moments of appreciation, but nowhere did he express that he found some type of lasting joy and solace. But he did talk about finding meaning in the suffering, and the importance of having a reason to get through it.
When I watch your video it is powerful for the same reason. You give us good reasons to find meaning in pain. To develop into better people. To avoid the fear and anxiety and futility of running from it, and the consequences of the destructive behavior that follows those failed attempts. And most importantly, the ability to remain connected with the joy and love that is around us and in us.
The way you were able to validate the pain that we all endure was tremendous.
I am not writing a review of your video, I am not here to critique even with praise. I just really wanted to say thank you for the work you've put in and for sharing it.
Please do continue to check in once in a while. And let us know when the book is out!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks for the update pigpen. Though we did not interact much, I followed your story closely. Good to see a familiar name pop up. I look forward to watching that TED talk. Enjoy the rest of your travels!
I watched the talk PP and thought it was great - inspirational and heartfelt. You really managed to convey that you understand what people go through and why - and also how another path can be taken. Thanks for sharing that...so, who would have thought you'd be doing a TED talk 18+ months ago when you first started posting!
Good luck with everything going forwards :)xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you everyone, I appreciate the kind words and support. That talk was a journey in itself, I was rehearsing it at times about 500 yards from where I took my STBX on our first date. Talk about having to deal with pain while practicing preaching how to deal with pain!
Please, please, please know how incredibly vital this board was for me and my journey, well being, and actualization. Wonka, Zues, Sotto, V, Cadet, Jelly, Mona, and more were literal lifesavers. I can't thank you all enough. Even Mr. Bond with his one word replies was vital.
I'll say it again - if you're on here, LISTEN to the vets, work everyday to better yourself, and never stop believing. You simply never know what's going to happen.
Oddly enough I've directed so many people with WAS's to this board and only one that I know of took me up on it. I'd say to them, "This place saved my life. I mean that. The reason I'm not drinking, getting high, or hating women is because I was challenged on a daily basis to better myself, to stay positive and to believe in a process bigger than myself. Plus I got slapped around when I needed it."
I love you guys and gals, and truly hope everyone finds the same peace I was able to. It's been a long road, but one colored by so many beautiful people.
Big hug, PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
What parts of the process and advice resonated so much with you?
It really does seem to have grabbed you in a way it does not others.....
Surfer.
Great question Surfer. Are you a surfer btw? Surfing was a huge part of my recovery through all of this!
I can sum up the process and advice that helped the most this way, I think I wrote this story out for someone on here but looking at it like this helped me immensely. I call it "The Two Island Theory."
Island 1 had my W, my M, and my old life on it. I LOVED that island, but it wasn't the best place for me. I thought it was when I lived there but I was overlooking a lot of dysfunction. But I was so heavily invested in living there that I was blind to so much. That blindness made me fight and fight and fight to stay living on Island 1. I had made a commitment to be there, had my life energy, my time, and my finances invested there. Leaving there would be excruciating on so many levels I just couldn't do it.
That being said, I had been kicked off that island with BD. When my WAW left, that island was no longer my home (as Cadet says, at BD things are usually done). The more I fought to get back on the island, the more my W wanted me off of it. She had already moved to her own little fantasy island elsewhere so I was fighting to be there alone or to remain in the memory of it. Mostly in the fantasy of the memory of it. The glorification of it. My mind would play all kinds of tricks with me, changing memories to only reflect the positive, having me use any and every interaction with my W to secretly try to trick her back onto Island 1. And the pain, oh the pain of not being there with her drove me nearly crazy. I NEEDED to be back there with her, at least the old me did.
Buuuuut. When I came on here, the advice was "The only way to get back with your W is to walk completely away from Island 1. To do this, you have to do it down to your core, not just do it in name, but to live it, to breathe it, to fight day in and day out to authentically walk away from it." That's some impossible chit to do, but I had to do it. We all do.
I did it by creating Island #2. That was an entirely new life for me. Sobriety, men's groups, a change of my business, meditation, getting back to surfing, starting a blog, therapy, seminars, constant audiobooks - a rebirth of sorts over and over and over again. The old PP had to go. How he thought, how he reacted to things, how he lived. The new PP had to be born of new experiences - not dissociating from pain, being honest, finding new friends, acquaintances, a new tribe. Changing my DNA through new experiences. Leaving my comfort zone so far behind me I had no idea where the hell it was. Every situation was terrifying, but into them I walked, day after day.
Everyday I would ask myself if I was building Island 2, or staying stuck on Island 1. Was I pretending to be on Island 2 while still secretly living on 1? Was I telling people I had moved on without really moving on?
The key was to fill up my new life (Island 2) with new experiences, with so much richness, so much excitement about the future, so much wonder about what could possibly happen next, and (here's the key) so much GRATITUDE for what I still did have, that I simply stopped thinking about Island 1. I viewed it as my old life while a new one was doing everything in it's power to come out of me. Working with a Jungian therapist helped with this, as did reading stories of people who had similarly lost everything and then rebuilt their lives in exactly the way they wanted to. Cultivating curiosity about where this all may lead and living in that curiosity was a game changer. Suddenly my life went from "all loss" to "holy cow, maybe this all could be leading me somewhere I never would have gotten without it...let's hang out and find out."
Really Surfer, it's about listening to the advice you get here with a mind that says, "How can I take what I'm being told here and live it fully?" as opposed to "How can I take what I'm being told here and use the painless parts of it, or as little as possible, while secretly hoping that doing so gets me my spouse back?" You have to be willing to throw yourself into the unknown day after day after day.
Cadet says to use the time you're given - are you using every single day as an opportunity to better yourself? That's action, not just thought. What actions are you taking day in and day out? Are you relentless about them? Are you the new 5am regular at the gym? Are you getting counseling? Have you hired coaches if you can afford them? How is your life different than how it was in your M? Are you going to meet ups, learning how to salsa, learning a new language, an instrument, changing your wardrobe, etc. How much ACTION are you taking?
Action is the key. That and letting go. Letting go every day. Of the possibility of reconciliation, of the desire to be with your S again, any of it. ALL of the success stories I read had one theme in common - they were done. They had moved on. They were dating someone else and loving it. They had moved across the country. Etc. Then and only then did things shift. It's a double edge sword, to get something back you want you have to stop wanting it! That's a challenge of spiritual magnitude my friend.
Now instead of wanting my W back, I want an incredible partnership. I want to know my partner has my back in all areas. I want exceptional communication. I want us to talk about the hard chit, the stuff that no one else is willing to discuss. I want to be able to lay my entire soul out on the table and say, "This is me. Here are great parts, here are the dark parts, here is the stuff I'm still confused about, here are the potential pitfalls. This is all of me, let's see you."
The type of person I'm going to co-create with will look at everything on that table and say in return, "Awesome, thank you for sharing all of that. I may get scared but I'm not going anywhere. I'm in this especially on the hard days. Btw, here's me. Here's what I've got in my soul backpack."
If that person is my STBXW so be it. I doubt it, she hasn't done the work I have. But if she steps up, we can talk about it. BUT, that's the bar I'm holding for a future relationship. The future Mrs. PP is going to have to be one hell of a woman, because she's getting one hell of a man. No longer am I after just one woman, my STBXW, now I'm after that partner, whomever she may be.
I hope this helps.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I watched the talk PP and thought it was great - inspirational and heartfelt. You really managed to convey that you understand what people go through and why - and also how another path can be taken. Thanks for sharing that...so, who would have thought you'd be doing a TED talk 18+ months ago when you first started posting!
Good luck with everything going forwards :)xx
Thank you Sotto!!
And no, no no, I NEVER would have imagined standing on that stage and delivering that talk when I first joined up. I couldn't even imagine making it through a day. I never would have imagined hospice changing me the way it did, spending a month in the dark, any of it. This has been such a magical ride and one that I'm so grateful for. I truly hope people read this and realize they too can change their lives, and that if they make space, magic can come in and replace the pain they're going through.
Big hug to you!
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
PP, it is so good to hear an update from you. I watched your TED talk a few weeks ago (I watched 3x!) and it resonated so strongly with me. I am so proud of you, you are making it, creating a new life, turning your pain into growth, and inspiring so many people. I want you to know that back in our "darker days" there were things you said to me that stuck, that pulled me through, that I still think about, and I thank you for that.
I will post my own update one day, not quite ready to yet.
I really just wanted to say hello to you PP and that I know you are f'ing awesome.
Much love to you, and Mona's party bus is still going strong, you know how to find us.
My name has changed a few times, Pho, Fo, you know me.
PP, I rarely take a look at Newcomers, but for some reason I did today and found your thread. I went back to the beginning and it was a trip down memory lane. How far we've all come since we started here. And how wonderful that we can come back here and share that journey with people that will always be important to us in some way, lives that were connected with ours, maybe briefly, maybe forever. Thank you for continuing to update and inspire.
The student has become the master, you have come a long way grasshopper.
If a man dwells on the past, then he robs the present. But if a man ignores the past, he may rob the future. The seeds of our destiny are nurtured by the roots of our past. -Master Po
When you are on the East Coast, let's have dinner, you know how to find me
