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PP...this is a beautiful post. You are so right. Sometimes two people can love one another deeply but simply not be good for each other. You very much deserve to find someone who can see you for the man you have become, and the man you have so much potential to be. You are growing and changing and becoming better all the time. When you're ready, you will find that someone who can walk the path with you and appreciate you for everything you are. On that day, every step of this journey will have been worth it.

Keep hanging in there!


Me: 43, Him: 40
Married: 21 years

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Hi PP. Saw a few others had posted and thought I would add my pennies worth

I hope the adventure is going well and life is treating you as you deserve to be treated.

Stay safe brother , Rd

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Hi DB Fam,

Been a little while since I posted, thank you for checking up on me. Rd, you're still my hero. V, I hope to hug you in real life some day. Anna, I bet you're just gorgeous in real life...

I've been dropping by threads when I can to lend some support, but like many of that have been here for a bit, it's hard to see all the new posters and feel the panic and anxiety bursts that come from reading their threads. I can viscerally feel their pain.

Here's my update.

Life sitch:
Amazing. I feel as blessed as a man could be despite my external circumstances. I'm on the road, traveling, meeting incredible people, watching synchronistic events unfold left and right. Been reading eye opening books (Daring Greatly, Return to Love) and listening to inspirational podcasts everyday that have seeped into my being and I can feel the change in my day to day experience. Most days I find myself SO overcome with gratitude. So much so that sometimes it stops me in my tracks for a second and I say out loud, "Woh!"

Today I spent the morning volunteering at a nursing home, reading to patients, listening to war stories (WWII - my lord those guys were badasses), and enjoying the chit out of the older folks. Despite the joy I get from the people, it's a tough place to be and I have to stop and catch my breath sometimes. Suffering is everywhere. Some people whisper that they want to leave but they're not allowed, that they hate it there and can't wait to die. One man started crying and said he wished God would just take him and he can't figure out why he's left in there to suffer. I cried in my car when I left, I just couldn't shake it after hearing that.

It's sobering to see so vividly the juxtaposition between spending a life fearing, and trying to avoid death only then to wish for it so earnestly. It adds an appreciation for life, an understanding in the power of time and impermanence. I'm not sure the impact all of this is having on me but I know it's reorganizing my thought patterns and DNA.

DB was like a PhD in being human, this is something else entirely. I head into the gym every night with a renewed thankfulness for the health and vitality I still have, which also makes transmuting that last bit of anger I can't seem to shake over my failed M all the easier. What a blessing it is to still be able to do everything I want with my body.

If you're reading this, I hope you take pause and despite the pain in your heart or the anger, or the turmoil, or the frustration or whatever it may be, I hope you find gratitude under there somewhere. It's there. My goodness is it delicious.

Marriage Sitch:

NC with my W since my last post - about 5 weeks. Not a word. Getting pics of Woofie involves reaching out to her so I don't do it. I'm almost at the point where I miss him more than I miss her, but I don't want to hear her voice or even see her name on my phone so I just look at the 10,000 photos of him I still have with me.

When I left my W was upset that I was "stalling" our D, even though I wasn't - I'm just not helping. I've submitted everything I owe to my attorney, who oddly enough, hasn't returned my last two emails checking in with her to ask if there's anything else she needs from me to get this finalized.

I guess this means I'm still getting D'ed as far as I can tell. Haven't heard otherwise, and the last time I spoke to my W she was adamant. As I've said before, my life has changed so much since BD that I'm not sure reconciliation would be a good thing anyway - I can't be with a fool! My life course has shot in a completely new direction, one that I wouldn't trade for all the tea in China, or my old M.

I've never in 40 years woken up this inspired, feeling this connected to my friends, family and even strangers. I have nothing to hide in my life any more so opening up and being honest with people let's me connect on a level that is completely foreign but so so soul filling. Intimacy my new jam and I'm loving it.

I've also never felt like I was more on the right path than I do right now. Not only do I really like the guy in the mirror now, I'm fascinated by what he's doing. Everyday I get an email, text or message somehow that the writing I'm putting out helped someone through a difficult time, or helped them decide to get sober, or to start believing in themselves. That in itself is worth every ounce of suffering from last year.

Yes, I still miss my W, I truly do. I miss her laugh, her smile, and the smell of her hair. I miss watching her mind work and holding her hand while we walked our little moron. I don't miss the feeling that she was going to leave any day, and I was going to die when she did.

I've talked to a few people on here about the theory of islands, and truly I miss parts of the old island I lived on. Fortunately, exploring the new island is just so damn amazing, invigorating, and inspiring that I often forget about the old island completely. This is happening more often than not now.

Some days I still get a quick shot to the back of the knees from a memory. Hearing my friends are all pregnant is tough too to be honest. Those days I just take a deep breath and find ten things about my life that I'm grateful for. By the time I get to 6 I'm solid again, the last 4 are just icing on the cake.

To wrap this up, as I wrote to Mutatio last week, I now believe whole heartedly that happiness is a choice, joy is a choice, and "reality" is completely subjective and negotiable. Truly it is. When you're struggling, find something to be grateful for and then build on that. If you struggle two minutes later, go back to being grateful. It's hard to be anything else when you're overcome with gratitude even if that may mean stepping outside of your own drama for a few minutes just to try.

Cheers everyone. Hugs to you all.

412 days sober,

PP


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Absolutely beautiful post, PP. What an amazing journey you are on.... And it's only the beginning! Wow, just wow.


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Dude,

You are an inspiration, PP. Thank you so much for the touching message.

I have ZERO doubt you are going to find an amazing woman who will love you unconditionally.

They say a man that only a fool would leave. You can check that box, PP.

Congrats

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PP firstly , great job on sobriety , tough road but your doing it. Secondly Truly inspiring post We all now the pain of losing a partner but you've chosen to be happy and , wow , that's great

You are a good man and your tales of the nursing home were very sad but brought home the joy life is

Look after yourself brother. Rd

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You've come a long way Grasshopper. It seems as if you've just snatched the pebble from the master's hand. I am proud of you my friend, you've become a mensch.

The journey we take in this life can be transformational. All it takes is for one to open their eyes and open their heart. If you do this one's ego will dissolve and joy & beauty will appear all around you. Be well dear friend and enjoy now



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
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PP...thank you for the very sweet compliment. I think the same of you. I love reading about your adventures and wish I were half as brave to undertake such a transformational journey. smile

Be well, my friend. smile


Me: 43, Him: 40
Married: 21 years

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PP,

I love your post about gratitude. During this very tough time, I think it helps so much to focus on all that I have to be grateful for. Thank for the reminder. Thank you for sharing your experiences about moving forward. It sounds like you are doing very well. It fills me with hope for my choice to be happy in the future. Keep us posted on your adventures.


M 44 H 46
M 20yrs T 25 yrs
S15 S12

ILYBINILWY 7/18/15
Move to MBR 9/8/15
Physical Separation 10/10/15
Suspect A 8/2015
Confirm A 12/27/15
D filed by H 2/2/16
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PP,
I love the idea of exploring the new island while still missing some aspects of the old island. Somehow, I can relate to that. Great image. Here's to hoping you come across some buried treasure in your explorations!


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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