ADs take the edge off of depression to help them cope w/day-today activities. ADs generally do not make everything go away and sometimes people have issues w/the ADs and come off of them because of those issues. He may or may not recognize that he has depression even though he is on meds. I know that my friend knew that he wasn't feeling well, but would never admit to depression. In fact he asked his GP why he was being described Paxil and the GP told him to go around the corner and request an appointment w/the doctor there. Guess what field the doctor was in? He was a shrink! Of course, my friend didn't do it because he didn't think he needed to see a shrink nor did he take the Paxil. So, the question is this...is your h actually taking the meds as prescribed or only when he thinks about it? I'm sure you don't know the answer to that one.
As for being off the hook for his unhappiness....no one knows the answer to this except your h. He could still be unhappy w/his life and from what you've stated about him changing up some of the decorating in the condo, it sounds like he's still looking for "change" in his life. He's making changes to make himself happy for the time being. Does he have a better chance of coming out of MLC and not getting stuck? The million dollar question will be...has he accepted that he can't change anything from his childhood and is now ready to grow up? They have to face those issues, realize that they weren't at fault and accept that they didn't have any control to change what happened. If they can do that, then they have a better chance to continue moving along, growing up and coming out the other side of their crisis. Again, ADs is not the miracle pill to fixing the MLCer...it just helps them cope with day-to-day life. Eventually, the depression will lift if he continues moving along the path and if he's taking ADs, he may not require them after the crisis is over, but again, no one knows whether he will or not.
Bottom line, he still has to work thru his crisis, ADs or not, in order to come out the other side. Also, people taking ADs should not mix alcohol and/or other drugs w/the ADs, but some ignore the warnings and still drink. It's not a wise thing to do.
There's nothing any of us an do to make the crisis better for them. We can't fix them...they have to do that and that means working thru their crisis at their own speed. If they take ADs, that will help take the edge off the depression, but the depression is still there and again, the crisis' main ingredient is depression. They must work thru the entire crisis to come out the other side. If your h is taking ADs, that's a good thing and it helps him cope w/day-to-day life and work a job.
You already know what I'm going to say, but I'm going to repeat myself again...keep the focus on you. There is no way that any of us can predict what will happen in any situation and your h doesn't know himself at this time. As he works thru his crisis, he will come to realize that you were not the issue of his unhappiness, but he's not there yet and it could take a while for him to get to this point. I would continue to live my life to the fullest and, if and when, he does, come to you to talk about things, I would suggest that you listen and validate. Do not offer any advice unless you are asked. Again, it will happen, but it will be on his time clock, not yours.
Job, I think for H to be on AD meds means it’s got to be really bad for him. Or, he is trying the meds to see if this could make him happier. He is drinking too, I’m sure. Don’t know how much though, I haven’t heard of any reports of him being totally wasted for some time now. I’m sure that he knows that he has an issue (depression), he would not be just taking the meds.
I know that he is still unhappy, searching for that perfect “family” or partner (his comments about the perfect family of that crazy woman) and condo decorations are probably another attempt to see if it will make a difference in his life. And, I’m sure it will, for a while… I think he will be asking for my opinion/validation about the condo re-decoration at some point.
I think the next “logical” step for H would be to seek a help from IC. When he figures that re-decorating, partying with friends, taking AD meds is not making him happy, I think he will try IC. I might be wrong. It depends how bad it is for him and if he is getting any closer to working on his childhood issues.
I’m just curious if there are any patterns of MLCers who come through the crisis and make it to the other side dependent on whether they were taking ADs or not.
Job, I’m well prepared to listen and validate if H ever comes to talk to me. Thanks to this site, people like you, and all the work I’ve done to get me where I am now.
BTW, I had to move some candles to the spare bedroom, because I just could not stand the smell when I was in the living room, LOL. I didn't bring them back where I found them when I left. I think I need to let H know why I did it. Or, maybe not... Depending on who will be at the condo next.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I thought that I’d follow up the post about the depression with another update.
My male friend from the vacation home told me that I need to take the condo mortgage issue into my own hands, as he is not sure H can handle it on his own. This was quite a shocker to me. My mutual friends never told me that H was incapable of doing something. And now they think that he is too messed up to take care of things properly.
What I “see” is that H is trying to take care of things… But, I think it is more like in a teenage way. Subconsciously he understands that he needs to take care of things and he wants to take care of things, but his actions not as mature as one would think… This is just my impression. And he could be just the guy he’s always been, trusting for people to take care of their side of the business. Which is clearly not happening with the condo mortgage and bank trust.
So, my friend’s comment made me worry… I don’t want my credit ruined because of the condo mortgage issue… I just got a car loan and my credit score was somewhere around 830 +. I want to keep it this way, in case I want refi a home mortgage or a car loan, or get another credit on something I need and want. I also worry about H…
Received a text from him that was sent when I was at the vacation home. My phone was off, so I didn’t reply until this morning. In his text he was letting me know that I will be receiving a letter (not sure if is from mortgage company or the bank trust) stating where the escrow money was paid to. He also asked me to pay the usual (“old”) amount for mortgage, which I already did. I replied to him that I paid and that I will wait for the letter. So, he hasn’t dropped the ball yet, he is still trying to resolve this issue. I’m sure it is contributing to his depression, but he is trying not to show it, at least to me.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I think your friend is correct in advising you to take over the mortgage issue. Your h is having a difficult time figuring things out and you do not want your credit rating ruined just because he can't figure out what to do and how to communicate w/the mortgage company.
Their brains aren't functioning up to par and their attention span is that of a gnat. As teenagers, they don't realize the consequences of not taking care of such things in a timely manner and ensuring that they follow up on things.
As for the candles...been there and done that one too!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, job. I guess I will keep an eye on the mortgage. I checked the bank account and it looks like the mortgage company cashed the check, which is great news!
I added my new car to the insurance policy. I got an update today via e-mail. I thought it would be just my new car addition… Then I saw H’s truck insurance came up significantly, so I called the insurance company… They told me that there is some kind of traffic/accident thing came up on H just recently, and this is why his truck insurance went up. ????? I immediately thought that H was in the accident or something… Then I remembered that I saw that he got a speeding ticket last summer when he was driving to pick up that woman that I thought was an OW. I don’t know. I’m tired today… I have 5K run this Sunday… I’m going to pick up my bib and stuff for the run tomorrow… My BIL (H’s brother) is going with me…
I haven’t asked H about the traffic infraction yet. I will do it this weekend, since I will have to give him the numbers for his portion of car insurance. I just hope that he is not hurt or anything…
My mutual friends called me yesterday, and the male friend told me that he spoke with H. I assume that if H would be hurt in an accident, my mutual friends would know…
Oh, and mutual friend GF is in distress over her job… And my other GF called me to vent about her daughter… I suppose I’m still a lighthouse for people… They are looking for my support… This makes me think that I’m actually doing a lot better than I think.
Have a great weekend everyone! I’ve been reading your threads. I just had not much time to post. I will try to catch up!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Job is right about the mortgage issue and your credit. I told H what my credit score was a while ago and he was surprised as his had fallen below mine by about 30 to 40 points. It used to be slightly higher than mine. I suggest you keep a close eye on things.
Hope you enjoy the 5K tomorrow. My hat's off to you. No way I could do that!
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
2T, thanks for stopping by. I finally figured out the car insurance thing. The original renewal showed H as primary driver on my old car (the got it all mixed up), and this why my car insurance went up (and I was wondering why). So, after the corrected it they listed H on his truck and then his car. This made truck insurance go up. So, it took me another call to the insurance company to remove H from all cars, except for his car as a driver. Now, it only affects his car premium, which is higher than last year because of a traffic infraction.
I will be sending him the numbers tomorrow.
I run the 5K this morning. It was tough. I think I did worse than last year. I was not in my best shape today, plus I gained a couple more pounds since last year. I’ve been trying to lose some weight, but it is very difficult, especially with all the parties and happy hours. I think the drinking is what contributes the most, because I normally eat healthy and in small portions.
My BIL, my son and a couple of other friends were at the run as well. My son finished in the first 250 runners and got a special medal. Wow! At first I was just so happy for him. Later in the afternoon, after I got home, I had so many emotions about this. I thought about what my mutual friend told me last weekend, how H talks about the perfect family that that crazy woman has. I thought how proud I am for my son and how he is accomplishing a lot in his life. How it surprises me sometimes (remembering that my son was a rebellious teenager and had to finish the high school in independent study program)… And how I also realize that my son has a lot of qualities that I always wanted in my son. He is strong, he is smart, he is kind, he gets the things done when he is determined, and he is also physically fit. He is a lot like me. He’s been through some tough times in his life, and he is coming through just fine. So, H, don’t you see a perfect family here that you decided to abandon?!!
I did post the update about today’s run and my son’s accomplishment on FB. H hope I will see it, since a few of his (and my) friends commented on it.
On another note, just received a text from H asking me if I received a letter from the mortgage company. He is concerned, and it is a good sign. He is trying to resolve the escrow issue and it looks like he is on top of the situation, as much as he can. I will be still keeping an eye on it.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Some updates. I had a busy week. Received the taxes and had to review them before signing. I also sent H a text asking him how he wanted to handle his signature on the tax return. He replied that I either could send it to him, or just sign for him (which I used to do sometimes when we were still together.) I told him that I would e-mail the pages to him and if he could print, sign, scan and send them back to me, or fax to the accountant.
To make the story short, we had some issues with the business e-mail accounts, so he could not download his e-mails. He texted me that he would probably need to take his laptop to the repair shop again to get his e-mail fixed. That was before I discovered that I also could not download my e-mails. So, I got on the chat and was able to resolve the issue with the Internet provider. I took care of things one more time… as I always did.
Yesterday I got a “two page” text from him, LOL. It was split into like 4 or 5 texts, this how long it was. It was just more about the business (car insurance, e-mails, tax returns…) It was not exactly business kind of dry either. I think he is putting some more effort into the communication with me. Always addressing me by name, being very polite, etc. I just replied in businesslike manner and thanked him for things. Then it occurred to me… I’m no longer thinking how and what I reply to him. And, maybe I should…
I think I lost my DB training, LOL. I don’t think I’m DBing anymore. I just treat him as an old friend who needs some help. I do take care of my stuff first though. Sometimes I think that I might need to put a little more thought in my replies. There is definitely an increase in communication from him. Last week I received the texts from him almost every day. All business related, but all of a sadden he seems to be more involved and more appreciative. It seems like he is trying to make a good impression. Did I mention that he is extremely nice to me… It does feel good. I think I made it back to a decent human being, LOL. Compared how he treated me the first coupled years after the BD, like I was nobody, just a business entity, and quite often an annoying one.
So, maybe I need to re-evaluate how I respond to him. Maybe I should engage more. Which I do sometimes, when I feel like it. This is the thing. I do what I feel like and don’t think much about what kind of impression I make on H. I just don’t care anymore.
I have a feeling that he is depressed again. It is like his brain is scattered. He makes stupid mistakes. Just got another text from him while I was typing this, that he accidentally withdrew money from my (joint) account at ATM, but he transferred the money back. He never mixed up the accounts before (except for one time last year.)
It seems like he is tired and not “fighting” things anymore (he didn’t question his portion of car insurance this year, even though it went up because of higher mileage and his ticket). He just transferred the money to me.
At the same time, it seems like he is trying his best to take care of things. The condo mortgage… making sure I received his signed tax return (another text from him today). Not sure if he is doing this in general, or only when it comes to me. I think that he probably realized that I didn’t throw him under the bus, that I kept taking care of things, and that it actually made his life over the last few years easier. I do feel that this is the case.
So, the question is, how do widen the lines of communication? And do I really want it? I need to dust off my DB book and read it again. Maybe I will get an inspiration.
On the social front. Had another happy hour with people from work. Going to my sister’s for dinner tonight. Going to the movie tomorrow with a couple of GFs from work.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Well, once again, we really get each other Bright. I know what you mean, treating H as a friend who needs help, not really caring about what he thinks much anymore.
Yesterday, after H left my place, I realized I was not watching everything I said, or everything I did, I was just me, enjoying a friend's company....no attraction or thinking, how can I save us? It's a weird place, huh?
I too want to open the communication but not sure how. H has fallen so into "friend" territory, it's hard to think of him as anything more. I like your idea of rereading DB. The last couple of times I tried, I was just not feeling it. IDK, let me know if you come up with any ideas.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Thanks, mleigh, for stopping by. I haven't started reading DB again yet. I guess, I just don't have a strong enough motivation. I'm kind of waiting to see what happens next. Whether H will continue to initiate more communication, or will go back into the rabbit hole.
I would like to hear some ideas and opinions... Sometimes it is hard to see things in your own sitch. Maybe I'm just delusional and making stuff up in my head, LOL.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
