[BrightFuture]

Job, I sent him an e-mail about the mortgage, not a text. I know that he is not checking his e-mails as often. I don’t think he read it yet. I’m sure he will try to call me to find out the details, and he will be very upset, because the next mortgage payment will be a lot higher than it was.

Sotto, thanks for stopping by. Yes, I remember days after the BD when H was not responding to some of my texts or responding later, not right away. He’s be pretty consistent with timely responses in the last year pretty much, until just recently, maybe a couple of months.

Actually, it didn’t even bother me that he was not replying to me about the mileage. I was just curios and waiting for things to unfold. The car insurance would still renew the policy at the last year’s mileage estimate, which they did before when I didn’t sent the mileage on time. At this point, it is almost like an experiment for me, to see when and how H responds, LOL.

So, I did sent him a text today “Hi H, please send me the mileage or let me know otherwise”, and included the picture of the letter from car insurance requesting the mileage update. It took about 20 min for H to respond, telling me that he is sorry, but he spaced it out, then listing the mileage and saying sorry again for the late response. I know that his truck is not parked close to the condo, it is parked next to the sales office building. He either drove there very quickly, or he had the mileage already recorded somewhere (just didn't send it me, right . )

Job, to your point, he could be preoccupied with something else and forgot… I guess his brain is really disturbed these days… Or… he is in a new R with some OW, LOL. I doubt though, he would not be so nice to me, I guess.

In his text he also asked me to send him the company file because he needs to pay the visa bill. Well, there are no expenses on that, except for his cell phone. I told him that I would send a file tonight or tomorrow. He replied with “Thanks”. I didn’t tell him about the e-mails I sent the other day, as in this case he will be checking them tomorrow anyway. Oh boy, I brace myself for the storm that I think is coming when he leans about the mortgage. I could be dead wrong though…

[BrightFuture]

An update and some thoughts… Received the replies back from H the other day to my e-mails regarding the XM radio and mortgage.

On XM radio, I thought I gave H a way out… Meaning he could get his own account and not deal with me anymore… He replied back with some numbers that he did his own research for… And then he said “Maybe you could bring this up when you talk to them. I would rather pay yearly if possible.” After this, I looked at my numbers again and realized that miss-quoted him. I replied back with the correct numbers and said that next time I will call for a renewal I will mention the prices he gave me. His e-mail is extremely polite.

Then there was another e-mail about the mortgage. Sooo… I was absolutely wrong anticipating H to be angry, etc. His e-mail was very nice, again. He politely asked me to scan and e-mail a copy of the trust documents (I have the originals). Then he said “It kind of [censored] this happened last summer and we didn't hear about it until now. I would appreciate it if you could do this.” At the end he said “P.S. The alternative is to mail down the copy you have.” So, last time I saw him he told me that he will start working on the condo being transferred to his name, and now he want the copy of the paper work and not the originals. Go figure…

In one of the e-mails H asked me to text when I send important e-mails to him, as he is not checking them often (as I thought.)

I replied to this e-mail too and said that I would take the documents to work and scan them. I also explained why I didn’t realize that the payment was made last July, but I only discovered it now. I mentioned that this mortgage company is not very consistent (sometimes I get the statements with different info, for example the Pre-payment penalty was listed as “Yes” a couple of time, when other times it shows “No”.) I also said that I would not do the business with this mortgage company again, if I have a choice, and that I hope that the escrow issue will get resolved promptly.

I received a reply from him on this, with “I agree , they have been a pain in the ass. I will get working on this promptly.” Wow… I don’t think I ever received a reply like that from him after the BD. I might be wrong… But, I totally did not anticipate any response.

I texted to him yesterday, saying that I sent him a couple of e-mails, but there was nothing urgent yet. And that I would scan and e-mail him the documents ASAP.

I got an immediate reply back with Thank you.

I scanned the documents and e-mailed them this morning. Then I sent H a text informing him that I e-mailed the documents to him. Again, he replied right away that he got them.

Other updates… I went to a Super Bawl party with my GF on Sunday. There were a couple more people who I knew. We had a lot of fun.

This Monday was my son’s B-day. I left him a message, since he didn’t pick up his phone – he went snowboarding with his friend. He called me back later in the evening, thanking me for the message and told me that H called him as well and left a voice mail (since son was in the shower at the time of the call.) Two things that came as a surprise to me in this… First, that my son told me about this (I didn't ask...). And second, that H CALLED him. I might be wrong, but I think H sent a text to my son last year. This year he was “brave” enough to actually make a phone call, LOL.

And… there is a card from H addressed to my son and his GF… I guess he really thought about their B-days this year (GF's B-day was two days before my son’s B-day.)

I’m not sure what’s going on… and why H is so extremely polite and nice. As I mentioned in my precious post, I totally anticipated an angry response about the mortgage. He did a complete opposite… I’m trying really hard to not get my hopes up. And, at the same time thinking if there are any hidden reasons for his niceness that I don’t know about…

My thoughts… It seems like H doesn’t really want to cut these last ties that he has with me. I can understand the condo and the mortgage (since these are some complicated issues), but XM radio and car insurance should be very simple to handle, right… Still, he prefers to stay “connected”.

I have a busy week so far. Went to a couple of lunches with different people at work. Planning another outing with some of these people this Friday. My sister is having a dinner party to celebrate a few B-days (including hers) this Saturday. Plus, I have another small project started with the company I’ve being doing some work for as a consultant.

Sorry for the long post again. I was just too tired and exhausted to update in the last few days, as the events unfolded.

[job]

I'm glad you had fun over the weekend. Sounds like your h doesn't want to cut the ties, but also he doesn't want to have to do the work himself. He's still relying on you to take care of things for him, "mom".

Glad to read that he did call and send cards to your son and GF for their birthdays. He's starting to remember to do those things, which is good and are baby steps in the right direction.

Bright, how do you really feel about being him still relying on you to take care of the insurance and other things?

[BrightFuture]

Looking through my last post... Oh, boy… typing errors everywhere, including the Super Bowl, LOL.

I went to a happy hour with a couple of friends from work on Friday. The b-day party at my sister’s was cancelled because they all were sick. I was not feeling well as well. Not a flu or a cold, but I just had no energy.

Today I did some yard work and other errands around the house. I finally cut a tree that I wanted to cut a long time ago. It was bothering me for quite some time. It grew from a seed. It started about three years ago. It also grown right outside of my fence and technically on the neighbor’s property (well, they don’t maintain it, since it is up on the hill.) First I thought it was a weed, then it started looking like a small tree. Then it started growing some kind berries on the ends of the branches. It is kind of a junk tree. I watched it grow, thinking that I would cut it on one of these weekends when I do a yard work. I never got to it. It grew big. The good part it that it is very soft wood. So, I cut it today with the pruners and then with the saw. I feel so much better knowing that it is gone!


Job, thank you for your response. I do think and feel that H doesn’t want to cut the last ties. I’m just not sure why. Yes, part of it might be that he trusts me so much to take care of business (“mom”, LOL) and he doesn’t want to do it himself. But… He did research on car insurance last year… and he did check on XM radio fees… he could have just switched over to his own accounts as easily. I have a suspicion that he did this because he wanted to “prove” to himself that he is truly moved on and needs to have the separate accounts (hence going to the extent of searching for the deals.) But… staying on the same policies with me is a better deal. This is his excuse. Like I mentioned before, if someone wanted so badly to get rid of everything in connection with the former spouse (me), paying a couple of hundred dollars a year would not matter.

How do I feel about him relying on me for this stuff? It doesn’t matter that much (yes, I do get angry once in a while, LOL), I take care of all this stuff anyway, for me. Here are things that we still have together:
- Car insurance. There are two “extra” things that I do because he is on the same policy. I ask him about the mileage on his cars and then notify him about his portion to pay – once a year. Then obviously I send him the cards, which I do with the rest of his mail anyway. So, not too much extra work on my part.
- XM radio. It used to be renewed every two years, but they don’t give a long term discount anymore. I would call about my radio anyway, so I just negotiate for both. This was supposed be yearly. So, I get the price and then notify him about his portion.
- AAA membership. This is easy. I get the bill and notify him how much his share is.
- Condo mortgage. Well, this one I don’t want to separate until we agree on the division of assets. He transfers the money, I pay the bill.
- Joint business and company books. Same thing. I use the company to do some consulting work on the side. I keep the books and do the taxes. I would do it anyway for my part of the business. At this point, I prefer it this way. I don’t trust H to do it, because I think he would forget things and we would have to pay some penalties and fees.
- Some of his mail still comes to my house. I forward it to him when I feel like it and when I have time. Unless there is something important, like his driver’s license. Well it doesn’t happen too often, LOL.
- Joint bank account. I don’t use it on the regular basis, neither does he. I keep it open because this is a convenient way for him to transfer the money for the condo mortgage. This is all it is.

Wow, after I typed this, I realized that we are still connected in so many ways. Again, I give him a way out every time I send him a note about one of these joint accounts’ renewals. And every time he chooses to pay me the money to stay on the policies and accounts.

Also, he is always very diligent about transferring the money to me. So, I don’t worry that I have to pay for his portion on anything.

I was recently reading on Pink’s thread that people were advising her on her xh’s stuff that is still in her house (garage). The predominant opinion was not to make him take his stuff, because it would be essentially telling him that the door is closed and there is no way back. It think that I have similar thoughts when I think about all these joint stuff with H. I want HIM to make the decisions on separating things. At least for now, this is how I feel. I know that my circumstances are different… H hasn’t being in contact every day… But, if I think about it, he’s been in contact often enough to keep reminding me about his existence, LOL. I hope it makes sense. I'm totally not a good writer...

So, for now, I’m going to keep doing what I’ve been doing in regards to the joint stuff. Will see how I feel in a few months…

Anyway, this is all boring stuff, compared to other threads. I just feel so awkward sometimes for even posting this. I should be on the other side of the fence by now.

[2Times2Many]

Hi Bright,

Your post about how much you do for H got me thinking about what I do. I pay the homeowner's insurance, the car insurance and the property taxes. So far he has promptly reimbursed his share to me. He's here so infrequently (sometimes he's away for 3 months), I look at it as protecting my credit if something should come due when he was not here and it doesn't get paid.

The only thing he has asked me to do that kind of rubbed me the wrong way was to deposit his checks into his account for him. It bugs me that I'm making it easier for him to stay away. But, I remind myself that he does things for me (like let me use his airline miles for the 2 or 3 trips I take each year) and I kind of look at it as a tit for tat kind of thing.

We also own a business together (like you and your h) and I do the books and the payroll. I'd be doing that anyway and it really wouldn't be in my best interest to stop.

He wanted to separate bank accounts about a year ago and we did, but he decided about 6 months ago that it was best if we signed on each others account in case something happened. I agreed and then moved the bulk of my savings to another account that he doesn't sign on.

I agree that they need to keep some kind of connection. But I also get a little perturbed at myself sometimes that I'm enabling him. Then I remind myself they must complete the journey and doing something that they perceive as standing in the way may not be the best thing to do in the long run. I think we can give them a taste of what life without us is like without completely cutting that connection. I could be totally wrong.

I also think that leaving stuff at your place is way of remaining connected. My h has a ton of stuff still here -- tools, family pictures, family heirlooms, even his family's bible. It's not in my way, so I don't fret about it. If he ever follows through on the D he has threatened in the past, I'll make him move all that stuff.

Sorry you had to deal with repairing the roof. Being a single homeowner stinks. Since h started living elsewhere 2 1/2 years ago, I've had to replace the garage door opener, then the spring broke on the door, so more repairs. I had to replace the dishwasher, the garbage disposal, and the coil on the air conditioner. That meant a week in July with no air! I've had repairmen here for the hot water heater, the washer, the alarm system and a broken water main. Yeah ... this old house has become a money pit. (H paid his half for all it.)

The good part of all that is I handled it on my own. For a long time I was very resentful and still feel that way sometimes because it shouldn't all fall on my shoulders. But it sure feels good to know that I CAN handle it when I have to. It's strangely liberating.

Your stuff is not boring and to be perfectly honest, on this forum, I think the more boring the better!

{{{HUGS}}}

[BrightFuture]

2Times2Many, thanks for stopping by. This actually made me think:

to be perfectly honest, on this forum, I think the more boring the better!

This is why I like this forum. I can see different perspective on things.

I’ve been keeping up with your story. I see a lot of similarities. My H was also traveling for work when he delivered BD. The only difference is that he doesn’t come to spend time with me. I think it was his intent right after the BD, when he told me that we could have such arrangements, so he could stay in a guest bedroom here (in my house) and I could stay in another room at the condo. I guess it didn’t quite work like that for him.

You reminded me that I do occasionally deposit the checks for H. Mostly the company checks that arrive at PO box here. I think he has the checks delivered to his location in another state when he is there. But, I think he asks for them to be mailed to PO Box when he is in transition, or living in Mexico during the winter months. He know well that I would deposit them.

I agree that they need to keep some kind of connection. But I also get a little perturbed at myself sometimes that I'm enabling him. Then I remind myself they must complete the journey and doing something that they perceive as standing in the way may not be the best thing to do in the long run. I think we can give them a taste of what life without us is like without completely cutting that connection. I could be totally wrong.

This is what I constantly asking myself too. Am I enabling him, or am I keeping the door open? You expressed it very well. I had a few opinions here about me enabling H. I also read some different opinions on other threads. So, like you said I could also be totally wrong about not forcing H to do his own things and allowing him to have his stuff in my house. For now, just like in your case, his stuff is not really in my way. And I have a spare room and a garage to put that stuff in and not be bothered about it.

I’m pretty happy that I can handle the house things on my own. This is not something I would chose to do, if I had a choice, but at least I can deal with it and can get it done. It requires some research on my part to make sure I’m not taken advantage of, when for H it would come naturally, because he knows a lot more about the home maintenance stuff. But, I’m learning, and I know a lot more now than I knew when H used to handle it.

You also had a lot to deal with in your house. I noticed that the things tend to break at the same time, especially in the older houses.

By the way, great job on not "hearing" the D word during your H's last visit!

Thanks for the hugs .

[BrightFuture]

I had some extensive text exchange with H all morning. Need to post now, before I get lazy and forget the details (about how I felt, not the texts, as they are recorded on my phone, LOL.) After all, I have a day off today and not doing much, just enjoying myself and a nice weather. Also, trying to catch up on other’s posts while I can.

Today is the day of the month when H transfers money to me for the condo mortgage. Sure enough, I got a text from him telling me that he will be transferring the money and let him know if the number is right. The number is mortgage payment (the “old” payment, not including the new escrow amount), then he deducts the amount he paid for the property tax in Mexico (which I thought he would deduct), plus the amount for XM radio, which is the original amount that I misquoted him (it should be half of that amount.)

My first thought was, does he actually read the info that I send him? So, I reply back with the new mortgage amount, also asking him if he would like me to pay the old amount this time anyway, and telling him that the amount for XM radio is half of that he sent and that it is for the 6 months subscription.

Here is his reply on that: “I’m working on the mortgage thing. I will only pay the old amount. Do you mind if I pay the entire year for XM? I like annual payments. Hard for me to remember to budget weird schedules!” And then I’m like “do I laugh? Or do I tell him to go screw himself?”… I kind of understand it about the mortgage... The new amount is more than $800 higher, and it is still not clear where the money went and why this amount. The XM radio… Poor H, he has a hard time with budgeting, and these “weird” schedules, LOL. I guess I can use this XM radio stuff (by cutting him off the account) to whoop his @ss next time when I want to show him what the real world looks like.

My reply. I said that he can pay XM for the year (I guess I’m a satellite radio company now, LOL), but I cannot promise that I will get the same kind of deal for the following 6 months. I figured that if I don’t like this anymore, I can always refund him the money and tell him to get his own account. Then I said that I think the mortgage company will probably start charging the overdue fees, if the bill is not paid in full and if the escrow issue is not resolved soon, but it is up to him. So, based on that, the number he sent are good with me.

He replied telling me that our mutual friend is helping him with the mortgage and the trust, that the trust fees are $xxx a year and for 7 years it comes to xxxx. And then “I’m not paying late fees. I already paid the correct amount on time since 2008. It will get resolved!”

The good thing is that he is quite optimistic about things getting resolved (big change from a year ago), and not angry, at least not with me. But, that other phrase about him paying the amounts since 2008 kind of p!ssed me off. He’s been only paying the mortgage (by transferring money to me) for the last couple of years. I was paying two mortgages after the BD for more than a year, before he finally was making enough money to pay for the condo. And before the BD, these were both of our money (not mentioning that he was unemployed a lot and I was the main breadwinner.)

So, I almost responded to him in a not very nice way, and also almost told him to go get his own XM account and all other accounts… Then I got my patience shovel... Went for a run at the park… I thought about possible replies and how H would react. I could have left it alone and not reply (so not to disturb a delicate balance of niceness), or I could throw a truth dart… I went with the truth dart. I said “Agree, we did pay the correct amount on time since 2008. I’m glad that it is getting resolved”. The emphasis here was on “we” word. I thought that H might not like this at all. He’s been talking about getting the condo transferred on his name, he wants to claim it as his own… and it IS his place in his mind… And here I am reminding him that it is still a joint property, that we got it together, and that I did pay a lot of money for it. Plus, I think it reminded H how this “I” word was an issue in our marriage sometimes. He used to use “I” instead of “we” in some cases in conversations with people. I politely pointed it out at first, and then it started to be a huge trigger for me, and would give H a piece of my mind. He would normally apologize, saying that he was single for so long that he was used to “I” and not “we”.

Anyway, I was totally expecting the silence and change of behavior (rude) after my reply. Here I am, an evil so-called ex wife, who just cannot “comply” with whatever H is thinking. I sent him another text asking to send me a company file as I need to pay the corporate tax. He answered “ok”. So, I was absolutely sure that he was not happy with my text about the condo.

About an hour later I received this from H: “Ok Bright I just transferred #xxxx to your account. I will let you know if anything changes on the mortgage info.” I guess he went to get his patience shovel too, with the niceness handle attached...

Feel free to give me 2x4s. It probably does look like enabling… Or, maybe having H’s back at the time when he is struggling?.. Will he remember and appreciate this when and if he comes out of the fog? Only time will tell.

[HaWho]

Hi Bright - I have noticed that MLC + numbers = fuzzy math on steroids. The most basic financial conversations make my eyes cross and leave me with stars spinning around my head.

I feel like I should have a shot of whiskey before I have any financial conversation w/my MLCer.

I will say, your h seems to be looking out for himself quite well. Make sure you do the very same.

[BrightFuture]

Hi HaWho, I think I’m just not exposed to this MLC numbers all the time. I still think that H is more than capable when it comes to numbers. I keep forgetting that he is in MLC (or is he?), this why he prefers me to handle the numbers. He knows I will do it right.

The impression I get from the reply posts is that I’m doing way too much for H, and he is just enjoying the ride. Sometimes I think this too, and then I remind myself that H singed out the house to me (when he could have asked for a split); that he didn’t take anything from the house, except for his clothes and some personal stuff; that he didn’t take any money from the joint accounts after he left. Yes, I paid for two mortgages for a number of years… Yes, he wants to have this condo for himself (but doesn’t mind me staying there when he is gone, which is kind of throws me off)… I just don’t know anymore… I think I do things for him as I would for a friend. Does he take advantage of it? Probably…

So, the mortgage saga and H’s texts continue… Yesterday I got another text asking me about the info I got when I called the mortgage company.

Then later in the afternoon he sent another text saying “Boy this is a mess.” And then he asked me if I have the copies of all Escrow statements. I had a few meetings at work all afternoon, and then my sister texted me. So, I guess I didn’t see this text from H. Until this morning…

I replied this morning, telling him that I’m sorry, but I was at the meetings and then somehow didn’t see his text until this morning. I told him that I have all the statements and I can scan them and e-mail them to him. He replied right away with Yes, please, he would like all statements since 2008.

Then a couple of hours later I got another text from him. I just could not believe when I looked at my phone that there was another text from H. I’m so used to have the once a month texts about the money transfers and maybe a couple of random other texts, if that… My brain is trained to put H on the back burner for a few weeks after a text exchange. I almost thought that it was kind of disturbing, like he was invading my space to some degree… I guess this is good sign, right? For me. I’m getting to the point when I just want H stay away from my life. And, I’m not even sweating these texts, like I used to. It is just like business as usual. I don’t know where I’m going with this, LOL…

Anyway, in his text H was asking if I was paying the mortgage by wire or send them a check. I answered that I send a check. Oh boy, welcome to the real world, H… He sent Thank you. Then I sent him a text telling him that I would try to scan all escrow statements at work today. He replied with Thank you again, and then gave me some detail about what he is doing to get this escrow thing resolved (drafting letter to the bank and contacting the mortgage company again.) I validated with “what a headache.” He replied “Yup”.

I don’t know why I am posting all these details… I could have said that I just had an ongoing text exchange with H. I just don’t know how to express what I feel. I don’t even know what I feel. It was the longest text exchange with H for a looong time. I know that I’m helping him to resolve a big issue, especially when it comes to money. But, still…

Now I feel stupid for even putting this out there. With the luck of any movement in my sitch, generally, I think this is kind of a big deal. Does it mean anything? Yes and no. It means that we both feel a bit easier to communicate with each other. But, it doesn’t mean there is a new hope. It shows that I’m still the most reliable and generous person H has in his life… But, it doesn’t mean he is changing his mind about the life he has chosen.

Long post again… Sigh…

[job]

Bright,
Why do you second guess yourself when you post? The forum is here for posters to feel safe and comfortable in posting whatever comes to mind that may occur during their situation. We have threads on music, recipes, etc. Why? Because it helps to be able to put pen to paper and express our thoughts and finds ways to help refocus on what is important and that is YOU! So, please stop thinking that your postings are boring and no movement taking place. There is movement in each and every posting because you are evolving whether you think it or not.

So, you both are communicating now over the escrow and mortgage issues and this is good. It's common ground to make sure the payments are correct. Your h is very concerned out shucking out a large amount of money right now and so are you.

Is there hope? There is always hope, but you need to continue to keep your expectations very low at this time.

I do hope that you have a good day and stop putting yourself and your thread down...