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Oh Bright - I am so sorry you are having a tough day. It happens of course and you have been through a lot.

As for feeling like you will not meet anyone, that, I do not believe. Many people our age are ending marriages for various reasons and looking for solid relationships.

Want you to know I am thinking of you.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Ah Bright, people just don't get it. One of my BFF is always trying to set me up. I also have a co-worker who points out attractive men to me. I don't think they really mean harm, they just don't understand. I mean look at us, we have been here for YEARS! Not months but years. Before learning what I have learned here, I too would never have understood that.

Bright, we are proud of you. You have shown patience, compassion, class, dignity, humor and love during a time when most would give up. That makes you quite an amazing person. I suppose we learn who we can talk to and when to stay quiet. And trust me, I am a classic spinner, I can't count how many times I have gone back and forth! It can be embarrassing, but it's real. This experience is real. We had no warning or training for this, it got thrown at us and we all are still learning how best to deal with our own unique situations.

It's normal to hit these low spots, I am sending big hugs your way. It's important during these low times to take care of you, do something nice for yourself. (((Hugs)))


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Bright,

(Hugs). I am sorry you are having a difficult time. It is totally normal to have rough days.

50 isn't old, my friend. That's a weird US cultural thing we have. I always laugh because my 11 year old calls me a dinosaur. And I tell her, "then, if I live to be 80 then I will look back at 50 and see it was nothing and if I live to be 100, then I will see 50 was just the midway point."

I'm sure your friends mean well. However, you will date if or when you feel ready. Hang in there! You are doing awesome:)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Bright,
I'm sorry you were feeling badly yesterday, but today is a new day and hopefully you are feeling better. The age is just a number. Card and gift stores have really put the focus on the numbers, i.e., 40, 50, etc. People, many years ago, didn't put as much focus on the age of people. Fifty is just a number and let me tell you, people are going strong at that age and it's nothing to get down and out about. I just recently noticed that there is a new online dating service for people over 50 and it's doing quite well. I know of many people who have lost spouses and have found love again after 50, so please, don't knock yourself because when you least expect it, someone will come into your life...but you aren't ready for that just yet.

As for your GF, you need to start politely cutting off her conversations about her problems. It appears that the only time she calls you is when she needs a sounding board. It's time to give her a bit of her own medicine. A friend is someone that listens and no matter what you are going through is there for you. True, you may be going in circles, but that doesn't mean she gets to be the judge of what you do. So, my advice, gently change the subject when you speak to her, especially when she's calling just for a vent and/or support.

As I have pointed out many times, people do not know what you are experiencing and until they walk a mile in your shoes, they will not understand. People tend to be relieved and happy when we have finally moved on because they do not want to see us unhappy and/or stuck. They want us to live our lives to the fullest.

You will develop a tougher skin about such things as you continue your journey...but you are the only one that knows what you are going through and we can't "assume" that others will understand, especially when we've been at this journey for quite some time. They do not understand that this is not a normal separation/divorce scenario, so it stands to reason that they would think that we should have moved on months/years ago. Don't beat yourself up over what others thinks...you have to take care of you...you'll know when you've had enough and want to cut the ties and move on w/your life. Until then, live your life to the fullest and do what you need to do to survive.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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^^^^^^^

Job said it perfectly. I was telling a GF of mine who is late 30s (single, no kids, never married and wants a family) just something similar the other day. She said, "people will think there is something wrong with me." I responded with, "people think what they think-and that is their deal. It doesn't mean they are right!" And it's 100% true.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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HaWho, mleigh, Georgia, Job, thank you so much for your kind words and for the hugs! I did lift my mood, knowing that there are people who care and support me. It did made me cry, but in a good way smile .

You are all right, I am not ready to date. I know that there a lot of people who date in their 40th, 50th, even 60th and beyond. It just worries me that after 3 ˝ years post BD I’m still not ready for another R. And… I am not getting any younger…

Job, I was reading and re-reading your advice about my GF, trying to get this into my head. Well, guess what I did yesterday... She called me. I was in a much better place than on Sunday, plus I had a couple of glasses of wine. So we talked… I didn’t bring up my stuff, but I listened to her… She did need to talk to me… I think I’m one of a few friends who are always sympathetic to her, listen to her and support her. I just felt like I wanted to support her… again. She went through a lot, an abusive H, a divorce, a breast cancer and mastectomy, her daughter’s continuing relapses of Crohn’s disease... It doesn’t excuse her from judging me though. I think I’m ready to tell her next time that I don’t feel supported for my cause.

Job, I hope that I will develop a tougher skin. I’m sure you are talking from experience. I just can’t wait for this time to arrive.

So, I thought Sunday was tough for me. I didn’t know what waited for me on Monday. On Sunday night we had some fierce rains (coming sideways) and crazy winds. My house was shaking during some of the wind gusts. I thought I heard a noise of breaking tile outside, but thought that it was something else. I came out on Monday morning and sure enough… there were pieces of tile on my driveway. I looked up and there were a few tiles missing from the edge of the top roof, meaning they crashed on the lower roof over the garage. Now, these are concrete tiles that are supposed to be nailed to the roof. The winds were so strong that they lifted up a few of these tiles. I found a piece of one of them with the long nail still attached to it. Wow, who knew...

I spent all Monday morning looking for the places where I could buy more tiles. The brand I have is from the company that is no longer in business. I have a few spare tiles in my garage, but I didn’t know how many were broken on the roof until this morning, when I actually walked around the house and took a closer look. I was finally able to find a tile place in town where they can match my tiles with another brand. I have a guy coming tomorrow to give me an estimate on what needs to be done. I hope it is not going to cost me a fortune.

So, I was thinking that if I would have a H, it would not be so difficult to replace a few tiles. And, it would be H’s job to take care of the roof repair (even though at one time I did negotiate with a contractor and supervised the outside house painting and re-stucco job.) Oh well, I’m going to do what I have to do.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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I am so glad that you are okay. Those storms were something else and they are coming across the US and we are due to get some of that mess this afternoon.

I'm glad you were able to locate someone who can match your tiles and repair the roof for you. I love a tiled roof. A former co-worker, here in MD, has a home with a tiled roof and it's beautiful.

I'm glad you spoke to your GF. Hopefully, you will find a time to let her know how things have been between the two of you. I know you will handle it w/grace a dignity, but friendships are a two way street. Maybe she doesn't realize how she's been, i.e., w/all she's got going on.

Bright, you will get to where you need to be when the time is right. Don't try to rush the process. You are right where you need to be at this time.

Hang in there! Spring is right around the corner and hopefully the weather will finally settle down!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank you Job! And especially for this:
Originally Posted By: job
Bright, you will get to where you need to be when the time is right. Don't try to rush the process. You are right where you need to be at this time.
It helps to hear these words again. I know you said it so many time, but it looks like I need a reminder once in a while smile.


I had an estimate for the roof repair yesterday. The guys was a referral from one of my Bunco friends in my neighborhood. He is her neighbor. So, he said that he can see 3 tiles missing and about 2 broken. He quoted me $300 to replace the tiles (which includes the cost of the tiles, plus possibility of more being broken during the repair process – normal thing according to him), to re-position all other tiles that have “moved” and put a special sealant in between the tiles. In other word, kind of to do the maintenance of the entire roof to make sure it is all solid and sealed. He will charge me this amount if I pay in cash. I think it is a good deal, considering that the roof needs some maintenance once in a while anyway.

Job, I also like the tile. My house actually stands out among other houses on my street (with shingles roofs.) I think tile looks a lot better. Plus, in case of wild fires (which are very common in my area), my house has a better chance of being saved. I actually heard a non-official comment, that firefighters normally pay more attention to the houses with concrete tile roofs, as they are easier to safe in a fire.

I didn’t post this before, but I receive an escrow statement from the mortgage company for the condo. It shows that a huge amount was paid as a trustee fee last year and now the escrow account is in shortage. The trustee fee was supposed to be paid to bank which holds the trust for the condo. It was never paid in all these previous years, and all of a sudden it was paid, and for the amount that was not expected. I called the mortgage company a few times last week trying to find out the details. They finally told me the tax id and the wire transfer number. The tax id doesn’t match the one that is assigned to the condo in Mexico. It all appears very disturbing…

So, I sent H two e-mails yesterday. One regarding the XM radio subscription that came up for renewal (we still have one account for two radios, his and mine.) And another e-mail with the details for the condo mortgage. I’m expecting him to flip out about the mortgage thing... He will not be happy... He will have to pay a lot more starting with the next month bill, because they are now projecting this escrow amount to be a lot higher, plus the shortage.

After I sent him the e-mails, I remembered that I actually never thanked him for mailing the id tags for me. So, I sent him a nice text this morning, thanking him for that. No reply back so far… I just don’t get it… He picks up my id stickers and mails them to me, like he wants to do me a favor (I don’t think he did it last year), and then doesn’t acknowledge my text. So strange.

And…. I still don’t have the mileage on his car and truck or any decision on the car insurance. I am going to wait until tomorrow and send him a text about the car mileage again and also notify him that I sent him a couple of e-mails that he needs to attend to. It is all in his court now. I don’t care one way or another. I will be sending the mileage for my car.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Bright,
You are still expecting him to respond back within a short time to your emails/texts. If he's focused on something else, it could be a day, two days or even weeks before his focus is back on his emails. They can't deal w/a lot of stuff at one time, especially if he read your text about the mortgage payment.

I'm glad you sent the second text thanking him for the id tags. If I were you, I would send him one final text and advise him that if he doesn't respond by Sunday, you are going to go ahead and take care of your car insurance and he can deal w/his own. Set a drop dead date for a response. If he doesn't respond...go ahead and do what you need to do to take care of your vehicle. His a big boy and he needs to start doing for himself.

Bright, hang in there.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Yes, I've noticed with my H, he has a big admin push - then nothing - then another burst - then nothing. He's sometimes instant with his responses. Other times he may take days. I just ask myself whether I have done all I needed to do, and then I leave it.

I agree about separating these things that are a hassle for you. Be mistress of your own destiny with insurance & leave him to sort himself out IMHO. As Job says, he's a big boy now, and you are pretty helpful with him in other ways. I would also second the drop dead date. I hold that one in my back pocket if I start to get frustrated with a lack of progress. Not one to be overused, but useful on occasion for sure.

I hope you figure out what is happening with the financials soon. Please take any steps needed to protect your own interests in all of this.

Take care xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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