Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Bright, well I don't see any harm in dropping in a non-business chatty element and see if he is responsive. If he ignores that comment, you'll know that he's not really in a place to engage in that. And if he responds positively, you can always drop in another comment later or respond back to him.

I think doing some little 'science experiments' is fine as long as that doesn't impact on your own detachment and forward momentum.

It's good that you think less about how your comms may be received. The longer we get from BD, the more important I think it is to make 'less reference' to our MLCers in our interactions. It's good to get to a point where you just communicate constructively and authentically - and where you also have in mind 'does this work for me?'

JMHO of course - and it's hard to comment on what may be happening at his end of things. Again, I would say note, think 'that's interesting' and move forward. The way I look at my own sitch is - unless there is some huge awakening and turning back from his end - which I presume he would tell me about - anything less/other than that isn't worth more than a moment of my interest.

Hope this helps and take care xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Sotto, thanks for stopping by and for your feedback. I don’t think any “science experiments” would have any impact on me at this time. I do realize that there is no “big” movements. I also know that my H is a very stubborn man and any decision to reconsider his past decisions would be like pulling teeth, LOL. I am at the point when I’m not really interested putting any big effort into keeping the communication going. I think I would rather wait if something more meaningful comes out of this, and if he would make any more effort on his side. I just don’t want to miss any signs of attempts to connect… Just in case… Knowing him… I don’t think an awakening will mean him coming down to his knees to reconnect. I think it will be careful testing of waters… and then some excuses for his behavior…

But… On the second thought… If he wants something really bad, he can do it! So, I will just keep minding my own business and doing my own stuff…

Sotto, thanks again. Sometimes just a couple of thoughtful words can bring me back to the reality.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Bright,
How is the new car working out? I'm glad you got the insurance issue(s) all taken care of.

You had mentioned in an earlier posting that your h might be depressed again...Bright, the depression doesn't go away, it is always there until they come out of the crisis and in some cases, it may be something he will have for the rest of his life which he will need to be on meds for.

Don't try to over think the condo redecorating stuff. No one knows what is going on in his head and I still think he redecorated to make a "change" to see if he would feel better when he is there. It could be redecorated again in six months! LOL!

As for taking care of the internet problem...good for you. See, he can't even think straight to figure out what he needs to do first, i.e., call the internet provider to see if the problem can be fixed or to take it to the shop and pay big bucks and nothing is wrong w/it. They just can't put two and two together when it comes to making decisions about stuff. Their brains are scrambled at best and depression does that to them.

I'm glad to see that you've had some fun and ran the race. I do hope that you've got some plans for the holiday at the end of May and I do hope that you are enjoying your new car.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Job, I’m so happy to see you back! There was quite a worry about you on this board. I’m sure you’ve read the posts on other threads… I’m also very grateful that I’m one of a few people you posted to when you came back from your break (I hope everything is good in your world.) Thanks for your advice, as always. I don’t know if H will be re-decorating again in 6 months or so, LOL. I don’t think he has much money. From whatever info I gather, it seem like H is in a different kind of depression… I don’t think there is much replay going on at the moment (judging by the credit card spending, which are much tamed right now, especially at his usual favorite restaurants.) This is as much I will say… I do have more details, but it doesn’t look like these posting generate much interest anymore. It might be beneficial for my own records to keep a journal, but I’m not really good at it anyway.

I’ve been reading some posts and trying to keep up… But… it has been crazy busy for me. I can’t even remember what I did as far as a week ago.

I did some yard work last Saturday. The grass needed to be mowed badly, since it was raining the weekend before that and I could not mow it. There was some weed pulling and branch cutting… So, I was very sore after that. On Sunday I went to an avocado festival with my BIL (H’s brother), my other BIL (my sister’s H) and my GF. It was fun! Then, I had my son for dinner on Monday (since I could not do it on Sunday), I had a happy hour on Tuesday, another happy hour on Wednesday (both with the company folks)… I’ve also been watching a series called “Truth about Cancer”, which were free on the day they came out (so much interesting information there)… And… I’ve been putting some hours into my two other (on the side) projects… after my regular work hours… I’m exhausted… This is the first night when I came home and don’t have to work after work…

Job, I’ve been enjoying my new car a lot! Thanks for asking! After all the stress of making a decision to buy it, then deciding how much to put in down payment and financing options, I finally realized that this is my dream to come through…. I was thinking about this new car and wanted it for a few years… And now I have it! I did it!

As for the next holiday at the end of May… Yes, I’m planning to go to the vacation home for the weekend. Then, I am going to Vegas with one of my GFs. It will be the week of my big B-day. She has some kind of package deal and invited me to join her. I jumped on the offer with no hesitation. I don’t want to be at work on my B-day. I’m not a big Vegas fan, but I can have some fun for a few days. My other GF decided to take a vacation with me too, and travel somewhere not too far (most like Latin America), we are in the process of deciding where we want to go. So, I will have a couple of weeks of vacation starting at the end of May. I’m looking forward to it!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 444
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 444
Oh, Bright ... Vegas ... my most favorite place to go. I've headed there for several holidays that I would have spent alone. (My vice is Black Jack.) Even if you're not a gambler, the people watching is infinitely entertaining. Wish I could join you and your girlfriend. It sounds like a lot of fun!

"Busy" can be exhausting but it's a good thing. It sounds like you have life under control. I'm so happy for you.


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
BD: 9-23-2013
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I'm glad to see that you are still enjoying your car. It took you a while to decide to purchase it...but it was well worth the wait!

I'm sure your yard looks beautiful. You spend a great deal of time working in it and when it is all said and done, you can be proud of all of the hard work that you put into making it beautiful. The avocado festival sounded like fun. Gosh, you had a lot going on in the way of activities during the week. I do hope you carved out some time to "rest". LOL!

Enjoy yourself when you go to the vacation home in May. Try not to allow people or the way the place is redecorated to get you down. I'm sure you and your GF will have a great time and also spend quality time together while celebrating your special day. I like the fact that you are thinking of going out of the country for a vacation w/your GF. You've got a lot to look forward to and again, don't allow your MLCing h to bring you down. Stay positive and get those trip brochures out and start looking for a nice place to visit!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
Bright - your travel plans sound so fun. Regarding Vegas, if you don't gamble, the shows are great there. They are pricey but so worth it.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
2T, Job, HaWho, thanks for stopping by. I feel like I’m not responding quickly enough once I have some posts on my thread. I’ve been reading and trying to keep up with other threads, I just don’t have time and much energy to post. I’ve been pretty much falling asleep at the computer, reading this site and checking the FB. The work was super busy and stressful for a few weeks. I finally got some reprieve this week, I think… Also, two side projects have been taking up my time.

2T, I’m not a gambler, but I will definitely enjoy watching some people… with the glass of wine in my hand…

HaWho, my GF has a free show in her package deal. We just need to select the one… So far there are a couple we have in mind… One of them is these Australian guys show, LOL.

Job, thanks for cheering me up. I did have a lot of activities and needed some rest. I’m an introvert by nature, so I do need some down time of being alone to recharge. I did have it last weekend. Sort of… My yard looked a lot better after the work I’ve done. But, I still need to do a lot… I need to trim all the trees, including the cyprus tress that have a lot of dry branches. My back yard is big (I am in a cul-de-sac), so it takes a lot of work to maintain it. I was thinking to hire somebody to trim the trees and also fic my rotting storage shed. But… I had to replace my water heater last week, which cost me about $1,000. Ouch… This is where I has some nostalgic feeling washed over me… H replaced that last water heater himself. He used to do a lot of work in the house by himself, and we saved a lot of money. But… the good news is, I have a new water heater, and I don’t have to worry about it for another 6 years, hahaha. I watched the guy doing the work, so I think I can do it myself next time, LOL. Speaking about being ambitious.

We still haven’t finalized out vacation out of the country with my other GF. It got moved to the middle to late June now. I’m OK with that, as I was actually stressing out a bit about the whole timeline.

Job, I don’t even think any more about vacation home re-decorations. It is all good with me. Doesn’t bother me right now.

I’m having another week of GAL again. Happy hour and dinner with some folks from work tomorrow. My neighborhood Bunco group outing on Saturday (or Friday, if it changes), a god walk for charity event in Saturday morning. Not sure what is happening on Sunday. I think it is Mother’s day, right. So, there is a good change my son will come over, or we will go for lunch, or something.

As far as H… We are still in contact pretty regularly. He seems to contact me on the weekends now more often that he used to. I know it is all about the “business”, but still makes me think that he is not that “busy” playing around and entertaining himself, so he “remembers” about the business… He is still extremely polite and pleasant in all his interactions with me. He told me about his plans to be at the vacation home in the middle of June, and said that I can go there any time I want before that. This is different… I didn’t ask him yet, he volunteered this info… Is it that he now wants me to be there? Or, he actually thinks about what I might be doing?..

He also seems to still be kind of depressed. Or, actually it seems like he sort of gave up on life, except for the work. I don’t see much activity going on (based on CC statements and some other stuff…) He is still trying to involve himself into the activities, much like 2T’s H. But, I think that he does it because he wants to belong somewhere and not feel lonely.

When he replies to my e-mails or texts, I can feel the depression and exhaustion… I spent the entire week trying to figure out what our respective potions of the tax refund should be. It was not that simple this time, since I made 2 ½ much more than he did. So, I tried to be fare with the returns. I felt like I benefited this time by filing jointly. So, I gave him a bigger return, calculated based on what he would get if filing separately. I sent him a e-mail yesterday along with the company file (after I paid his business insurance – a different story…) I told him that he is welcome to calculate the return himself and let me know if he disagrees. His reply: Hi Bright, thanks for paying the “insurance” bill. ... I guess everything is good with the tax stuff, I really haven't been paying attention to it, and I appreciate you taking care of it. Thanks, H”. So… he trusts me with the tax refund… It is a good thing, right? IDK, I just sense a lot of depression in all of this…

I’m still trying to move on with my life. I’m not stressing every piece of communication with H. I just do what I feel. Right now I feel some compassion for H. And I do some things for him like I would do for a friend. If he would become nasty towards me, I would probably reconsider. But… he’s been super nice and considerate. For now, I think I will keep doing what I’ve been doing. Until I don’t feel like anymore.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 444
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 444
Oh yes, go for the Thunder from Down Under. I haven't seen that one, but have been to the Chippendale's show. Tons of fun and everyone who's seen both says the Aussie one is better.

When I was doing all the spring clean up and maintenance and shelling out cash to get it done, I thought it really is true that two can live as cheaply as one. H could have done most of that and saved a ton of money. I get where you're coming from.

I was thinking about you this past weekend and your h redecorating the vacation home. My h went shopping for pictures to take back to hang on his walls. He also noticed some throw pillows I had bought and said they would look really good in his place. He went online and ordered some for himself. Throw pillows? Really?

Bright, you and I are so much alike. I tend to be an introvert, too. I enjoy getting out and having some fun, but I have to have recharge time.

Does your h have to live where he is now for business or is he there by choice? My H doesn't have to live where he is ... he could just travel there 4 or 5 times a year for a couple of weeks at a time (which would be worrisome, given his track record). Is yours a similar case?

I get what you say about doing what you feel is right. We had this discussion a while ago about depositing h's checks for him. He thanked me for doing that. I thought about what you said ... Can I live with it and is it the right thing to do? I just told him I had no wish to harm him. But I think it's a fine line between doing the right thing and doing too much to make the "fantasy" life happen. I suppose each sitch is different and we have to do what we feel is to our benefit in the long run.

Have fun at happy hour/dinner, but drive home safely!


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
BD: 9-23-2013
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
1
Member
Offline
Member
1
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
Hi Bright - just catching up on your life and you sound good. So happy to hear you are feeling more steady. It's a process and everyone has a different speed at different times. Really, really happy you are well.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



Page 10 of 11 1 2 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard