[BrightFuture]

New thread. Link to the previous: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2614542&page=11

I feel like I’m getting to the point when I am ready to make some decisions in my life. Whatever it will be, I don’t know yet. Will I file for D? Will I push H to do that? Will I start dating? All I know that I’m making plans for my vacations this year and for the first time I’m not even feeling held back by not having H participating. I still don’t want to do the solo vacations. I’m trying to find a companion, one of my GFs, or my family.

There are some things that have been on my mind recently. I will post them later.

First, I want to reply to the posts on my previous thread. Job and Irish, thanks for your posts and advice. I sent another e-mail to that layer, asking him to not share my info and that I didn’t authorize any further steps regarding my will. I essentially told him that I will not be retaining his services. Got a lengthy e-mail back from him explaining why he shared my info and wishing my luck, blah, blah, blah… It doesn’t look like he is going to push anything else. It is over and I’m happy. Job, to your point, I will be careful next time.

Job, I see what you mean when you say “No one really knows what goes thru their minds”. I feel that it is what’s going on with H at this time. The golf fees are part of the HOA, even though they are billed separately. He can sell his owner's card to somebody else. I don’t think he will do that though. He will rather eat “rice and beans”, but will retain his privilege to play golf any time he wants (it would be free after the annual fee is paid.)

Irish, thanks for stopping by. I’ve been keeping up with your threads, and just want to say that you are doing an amazing job with your Ds. I will pop up on your thread to say the same. I find it interesting about your W’s mail. I wonder if she changed the forward address or removed it, LOL. Like job mentioned, you just don’t know what is going on through their minds.

And, speaking of that, I’ve been noticing some different patterns in H’s “behavior”. Well, as much as I can get from the texts and e-mails. So, after his text telling me that he needed to think about where I should mail his driver’s license, there was nothing from him for 4 days. Then I received a text about his usual monthly money transfer for the condo. He also asked me “Am I going to need to come to “my town” to sign anything by the end of January?” I found the wording of this interesting… It’s like “pilling teeth”, right! Or… maybe a misleading statement to make it look like he doesn’t really want to come, but there are things that need to get done, LOL. IDK, it just feels this way, and I’m not even analyzing it to my benefit (like looking for some signs…)

So, I replied back thanking him for the money transfer (always a validation… even though this money transfer it more beneficial to him than me), and then told him that I don’t think there is anything he needs to sign this month. He replied with “Ok I will send an address to you tomorrow to send the DL to. Thanks again”.

He did send me the address next day, which is the PO box address in the border town that he already gave me a couple of other times. Hahaha, MLC memory loss… I mailed the package a couple of days later and sent him an update. I also texted him that I have a request for current mileage on all cars on our car insurance policy. Here is my actual text “On another note, AAA needs the mileage for all cars for renewal. If you still want to maintain the policy, please send me the numbers.” His reply: “Will do, thanks”.

It’s been two days and there is no reply. All these delayed replies are so unusual for H. Normally, he was up to the point. Plus, I’m thinking it should be no brainer, right… He wanted so badly to get out of this M and get rid of his W (me)… I think that he would not mind to pay for his own insurance policy, even if it would be a few hundred bucks a year more expensive, but he would not have to deal with me. I just don’t get it. Sometimes I think that this recent change in H’s behavior is a test. I used to be very impatient when I needed some info or a response to complete something I was doing. I would get on his case pushing for an answer. Well, H, I’m very different now. I have this patience shovel that I borrow from people on this board…

Or, maybe he is in a deeper depression now and just cannot make any decisions. He seems to make sense when he replies to me though… I guess I will just wait and see what he comes up with. Maybe he is trying to search for another car insurance, which he did last year and a year before that as well and ended up renewing our joint policy, LOL. Another case of memory loss?

Or, sometimes I think that he is “distributing” his replies to me over time, to keep me on the hook… To remind me of himself… Funny thing is that I keep thinking that I would rather not “hear” from H that often. I need to pick up the speed with moving on… and his texts and contacts are these little obstacles in my course... Not enough to derail the train, but enough to slow it down a bit.

[job]

Bright,
When you request something from him do you give him a drop dead date in which to reply? If not, I would suggest you try this because he may think it's okay to drag his feet since you aren't telling him when you need the info. Sometimes we have to put a timeline on things in order to get the info we need.

I don't think he's dribbling his replies to you. I think he really doesn't think about them until later. They tend to go off the radar and sometimes don't get back to us for days on end. Why? Because their attention is elsewhere. Keep in mind, they can't multi-task and w/their brains scrambled, the attention span is that of a gnat and can only focus on one thing at a time.

[mleigh4]

Hi Bright. I like the name of your thread and am feeling in the exact same spot these days. I hope we get our answers soon

[BrightFuture]

Job, thank you, as always, for your wise advice. It does help to keep me grounded. Quite often I have similar thoughts, but when it comes from you, it really means that I’m on the right track.

I do put the deadlines when I have them. The car insurance renewal is not due until April, so I have time, so does H. He can find himself a new insurance or send me the mileage. Either way, I will be fine. I will just pay the bill and let him know his portion if I don’t hear from him until then. I’m pretty confident that he will either pay me his portion of the bill, or cancels his portion of the policy. I just find it interesting that this year it seems to be more of a struggle for him to make up his mind. BTW, I still has not received any info, whether the mileage on his cars, or a note about him not continuing with this policy.

Mleigh, yes, I think there is time when you approach the crossroads and you have to make a decision. It doesn’t mean that the roads cannot cross again in the future. But, for now, we need to go our own way and do what is best for us and our kids.

[Irish M]

Hi Bright

You are sounding good :-)

Car insurance was one of the first things I cancelled. W wanted out so I refused to manage her affairs. Let them deal with their own insurance. The insurance company contacted her directly to advise her I cancelled her part and she had 30 days to get a new insurance. Did she get her own plan, no clue.

I did the same with life insurance.

Hugs
Irish

[BrightFuture]

I hear you Irish, about not wanting to manage W’s affairs. I don’t mind H still being on the same policy. We normally pay for the entire year, so it is a one-time deal every year. I get the bill, inform H about his portion, offer him a choice (either pay me the money or cancel it and get his own policy.) Every year he chose to stay, LOL.

Here is what I wanted to post. My dreams recently.
Progression of dreams… A few months ago these dreams started… They are all in some kind of weird setting, nothing that would resemble anything in reality. The first dream had H in it, still cold and distant, but not going anywhere, kind of sticking around. I think we were at some bar or something like that. Then there were a couple of dreams where H looked so much in pain and even expressed that pain… But, still looking away from me… Then there were a couple of dreams where H was more relaxed around me, still not showing much interest thought. The last dream was just a couple of weeks ago, where H was very relaxed and wanted to be intimate, LOL.

Not sure what to make out of these… I’ve been trying to work on myself to actually let go of H and accept the things the way they are. After last H’s visit, I’ve been trying to prepare myself for the bog D. I still catch myself on a thought that all of this is just so surreal, that we still have a connection, blah, blah, blah… And, we still have a connection, actually. I realized that as much I’m hesitant to sever the last ties, H has been doing the same. Some if is because the complicated financial and legal matters, like our condo. But, other things… he could do himself. Like the car insurance, or XM radio subscription, or AAA subscription, etc.

Speaking of connection… Received an e-mail from H today, forwarding the message from QB about quarterly filing reminder: “Hi Bright, do you get these same quickbooks updates and reminder things, or is it helpful when I pass them on to you? He actually asked me if he should forward these e-mails to me, hahaha. What a nice guy! For a long time he was just forwarding them to me without a word. I guess he’s got his “thinking” hat on. He could have just went ahead and changed the e-mail in our QB account, since I’m handling the taxes and filings anyway. Oh, wait, did I say "thinking hat". Maybe too soon, LOL.

Today is H’s birthday. I sent him a card in the same mail with his driver’s license last week. Not sure if picked up the mail yet. I also decided to call today. He didn’t pick up the phone, so I left a short message. A few minutes later I got a text from him. “Hi Bright, thanks for the Bday message. I have been working on the condo so I’m in and out and not getting to the phone in time. Thanks again”. I replied with a smiley face, a B-day cake and a beer glass emoticons. This is kind of 180 for me, as in the past I would be more reserved, if replied at all. Don’t know if he’s been working on the condo for some time now, hence no decision on car insurance. Like job said they can only do one thing at a time. Or, he was trying to keep himself busy today, on his B-day. Well, knowing that friends and family would probably be calling him all day, he decided to be in and out, so he could not get to the phone in time, LOL.

I don’t know if I have a biased opinion, but all H’s communication with me sounds so “thoughtful” recently. Like he is this mister nice guy. Confuses me a bit, makes it a bit harder to detach, distorts the picture of an MLC H. I’m not going to dwell on this though. Whatever it is, H is still continuing to live the life he chose and moving on with it. So, I’m going to continue to move on with my life and my plans.

[BrightFuture]

Got a missed call and a following text from H today. Asking me if I already paid the property taxes on the land in Mexico. This is the land that he is “leaving” to me. He is going to pay the property tax on the condo, and I’m supposed to pay it on the land. I texted him back that I haven’t paid the tax and that it would be nice if he could take care of it. Crrrickeeeets back to me so far…

[job]

Bright,
Keep those expectations at zero. You are looking for him to respond back quickly and usually they don't. They get distracted very easily. I know you get frustrated w/him, but trust me when I say that he's distracted most of the time. Whatever interests him at that moment is what takes his attention away from the matters at hand.

You did your part...you responded back to him. Now, it's up to him to respond back to you. If you don't hear from him within a reasonable amount of time, you'll either 1) have to remind him to pay the taxes; or 2) you'll need to pay them. You can't rely on them.

[BrightFuture]

Job, you are probably right about H not being able to focus on more than one thing at a time. I still think that he is just not sure about car insurance, again…

I never received any info from H regarding the property tax. My GF (mutual friend) from the vacation home sent me a link to the website and my property tax id. I went on there yesterday, entered the info and it gave me a message that no taxes were due. My GF also called me yesterday just to chat, and mentioned that she tried to check the tax website and got the same message. So, we both agreed that H must have paid the tax. The weird part is that he didn’t say a word to me or to the mutual friends. I assume that he is going to deduct this money from the money for the condo that he sends me every month, LOL. Will see.

At the same time I’ve got a little surprise today in the mail. I got an envelope from H with the ID and car stickers for the vacation home and note from him. I totally didn’t expect this, even thought when I mailed him his driver’s license I thought that it would be nice of him to return a favor and mail me the stickers. I guess he “heard” me, LOL.

[BrightFuture]

I feel like crying today. It is windy, rainy, and dark outside. I don’t like this weather, it makes me sad. It feels extremely lonely today, it feels like nobody can understand what I’m feeling. One of my GF’s has been texting me latterly asking me what plans I have my upcoming b-day this year. I will be turning 50. I’m not sure what she has in mind. I actually dread the very thought of it. I’m getting old, I’m separated, I don’t have a companion, it is increasingly more difficult for me to even find anybody I would like… I don’t even know if I can have fun on my b-day.

My other GF tried to call me last night too. I was at my sister’s and missed the call. I sent her a message later, asking if she needed anything specific and if it was urgent (like it was with her in the past when she needed to vent.) She replied back saying that she just wanted to talk. I have a bit of resentment going on with her. I was always there for her, picking up the phone and spending time with her when she was distressed, upset, needed to vent, needed to talk… She’s being cutting me off recently, she doesn’t want to hear about my feelings and my stuff, because she thinks that I’m going in circles. She texted me once “I wish that you would already let it go”.

Yesterday at my sister’s, my BIL mentioned something about H. I can’t even remember what it was, but instead of getting involved in the conversation, I said that “H is the history” which essentially ended that conversation. I seemed like my BIL was very pleased to hear me say that. So, I think, was my sister. And it made me very upset. Why are people happy when I’m still hurting?

Oh well, I’m just having one of these bad days…