Eyes forward Sotto..

[Sotto]

Link to old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2645142&page=1

[rd500]

Hi Sotto. I think the feelings are normal and as usual my advice would be to relax back from it and see what happens

H is continuing along his chesseless tunnel and they can be very long

Sotto will be happy again , and this will have been a learning experience

Stay strong lovely lady , take care. Rd. xx

[CaliGuy]

Sotto

Just read up on your musings on the other thread. As job said all you listed, well it's normal ... All that coulda woulda shoulda... Nothing we could do and I think you know this, the crisis was all wrapped up tightly and any normal sane person would not have seen it coming, maybe now I would have some intense questions for a potential new partner and no doubt they would run for the hills and label me psycho... Lol. That being said I don't think there is much a LBS can do to stop a D if the MLCr is hellbent on going that route. Keep in mine he is doing this thinking it's the fast track to happiness this ending his pain, he has to experience this and will most likely face the reality it wasn't and he alienated the one person who truly cares for him as you obviously do.

I've been reading a bit... Ok... A lot and so many of our stories there is not much positive for such a long time it's frustrating. Truth is nothing we can do but put ourselves back together and allow them to bottom out, maybe then they do the work we were forced to do, the blessing/curse of this is we have a 2-3 year head start and frankly our issues are a bit easier to address.

I've admired the way you've walked your journey, also admired the way you help so many people here, your a gold nugget in the cave that you never asked to be in. Keep your chin up, know he has to go down this road on his own... My hopes are he will arrive at that Doh moment before its to late.

[Pink17]

Hi Sotto,

I think CaliGuy nailed it in the head. You are doing an amazing work on keeping yourself sane, moving forward and learning how to be a even better you.

Some people have the need to feel right and do what they think is right, but everything we do will have some consequence tomorrow, and he may get a different feeling once it is all done.

I wouldn't say all this if was just from reading a novel, I say it because I am living it. You know my final D was on 8/5/15. And yet, after some months, I have XH asking to talk something "between us".

It may be nothing, but it does not eliminate the fact that he still wants to talk. So, you never know, once he has the D in his hands, he may start thinking about what he did.

I just hope that you continue moving forward and taking good care after yourself. This time in your life is not a very easy time and you will need to hold on.

You are a sweet and wise woman, we all admire you a lot and think that with or without your H you will always thrive in your life.

Life is a journey...

Love,
Pink

[rd500]

Again , following behind others to say the same. If your dopey H does get his D , nothing will change for him , he will still be chasing the rainbow and never be able to catch it.

Please remember that this was never really about you or the M , it was always about his dream for the impossible. MLC 101 !!!

You will thrive because your an intelligent , sensitive , kind , insightful , caring ( and something tells me attractive ) person.

Thanks for being you , you've helped me and so many others that in a way H did us a favour

Take care. Rd xx

[RAI]

Hi Sotto,

I almost never venture into the MLC forum, but you are worth it. I see that D is close. I don't have anything to add to what others have said, but I just wanted to offer my support as one who is also heading in that direction.

On second thought, perhaps I will add something: your mere presence here is testament to the fact that you did everything you could to save your M. You will have regrets, but you really shouldn't. You are living your life in a way that conforms to your values. For this reason, I *know* that great things are in store for you.

Thanks for all you do here. Your H does not know what he is losing.

Best,

RAI

[RAI]

P.S. Check out the DB songbook thread. There is a song I posted to it, by the struts (HT: Runn79r). I am not enamored with the song itself, but the lyrics may be just what you need.

{{{Sotto}}}

RAI

[bttrfly]

{{{{hugs}}}}

[Sotto]

Ah Guys, I woke up the other morning and had some lovely posts waiting for me - and I so appreciated it - thank you. Cali, thanks so much for your wise words. It is true that I need to let the 'could I, should I' etc go. I certainly feel largely at peace with what I have done since BD, and that is the main thing.

RD and Pink (Bro and Sis) - thank you. RD, it is good to hear you call my H a 'dope' and thank you for your description of me. Sometimes I find myself thinking - maybe I'm just not all that great to live with and somehow I don't see it? Like it' some who is in denial rather than otherwise. Not a healthy train of thought I know. And Pink, you are so kind too. Rai, thank you for the hug and the song recommendation - I'll look that one up, and Bttrfly - thanks for the hug.

I've been doing okay really. This week was a busy one with work. I worked four days, then covered at the bookstore all day today. It has been good to be so busy and has taken my mind off things - settled me again. Tomorrow, my oldest friend and her son are coming for lunch and we are going out for the afternoon. Mon and Tues I'm working away and then I'm out for a drink with my divorce group chums Tues evening. Thurs, is a ladies social group beauty pamper evening. I had my first singing lesson yesterday - the singing part was a bit excruciating after 20 years break - but my teacher seems to think we can do some stuff together and was very encouraging. Oh, and I signed up for a new walking group.

It's been pretty quiet from H. A couple exchanges about house stuff. It's weird, he will prompt something and this time I responded back with a simple query. It then took him two days to come back with a simple answer. Then I did what was asked and confirmed, and no reply. The good thing about this is I just tend to shrug now. My L wrote to his early last week asking them to propose a settlement, and we haven't heard back since then. I'm a little twitchy about that as I thought we were pretty much there with the figures - but I guess time will tell on that one.

Hope you all have a great weekend xx

[bttrfly]

Sotto you are the Queen of GAL activities! I'm so glad the singing lesson was promising. Something about singing always makes me feel better. Seems you are moving forward best you can, focusing on you. All good. Keep going Sotto. You're really doing great in terrible circumstances. xoxoxo

[Sotto]

Thanks Bttrfly, yes I'm doing okay. Been working away and still not in 100% health, but chugging along. Had a lovely night out with my divorce group chums last night. Eight or so of them are keen to keep in touch and more social events are being planned. I'm off today and going to catch up on some jobs, then yoga tomorrow. On Thursday night, I have a pamper session with my ladies group - all pretty pleasant and busy.

Zero contact from H or L's or anyone. I'm just sitting back on that and carrying on with my own stuff - time will tell how this will unfold. It's at times like this (when I can sit back) that I realise I have come a long way.

Hope you are all having a lovely week xx

[Pink17]

Hi Sotto,

First, my hugs to you.
((((((( Sotto)))))))
It's a difficult time and all I can say is for you to keep doing what you do best... all your GAL.

There's no simple way to get out of the YoYo feeling. All the questions that arise and have no answers. The agony of living it through.

Sometimes, I wish there was an amnesia pill that would erase all my memories and I could go sometime without this up and down battle of emotions.

By other hand I came a long way to see that somethings do turn around and time is the one to tell how much it does.

For me, it is still quite difficult to move forward and keep some hope at the same time. But, right now there is nothing I can do different, so it is what it is.

There will be a time that may come your turn perhaps to ask for a closure talk. You deserve this and your dope H will be in front of you to face his own demons.

Maybe to just remind him that he just run away from his issues instead of face them. And maybe to remind him why he fell for you in the first place. Only life will tell.

I challenge myself with the denial issue too. I pretty much go back and forth on that. But then, there so much stories online and real life about people that after years decide to give another try. Would be so good to have some crystal ball to tell us what is store in the future.

I met an older lady other day at a shoe store that told me she tried all what she could to save her marriage, then she got divorced and tried all what she could to get back with her XH.

Slowly she finally let go and start thinking she had become an old bitter divorcee in denial. It was then that she met someone else.

She said with a big smile that she found gold. That this gentleman is everything to her and treats her like a princess. She said that she is happier now then she could ever image at her age.

They travel together, enjoy each other, she said their R is an eternal honeymoon because they are not worry about tomorrow. They live today and are happy for the time they can spend together.

It was nice to hear that. Sometimes I really ask myself if getting back with XH is the right thing for my true happiness. After all what happen, is there a real chance to heal the wounds and start anew?

Maybe it's just a perspective that people with our values have inside themselves. In this forum we see people with very high morals and maybe it is the reason we are here.

We are not joking around using other people, instead we want to learn to be better, understand better.

With the changes in your own being and the changes in your life, there will also be a change of attraction. Your H is right now one among others that can have a place in your heart. Maybe the real love is still to come and there was a reason you (we) need to walk this path.

Don't lose site of your own worthy. You are a great simple genuine person with high values and morals. Sometimes the garbage in our lives is not really ours.

I admire you, alone facing the world and the realities that even hurt. Sometimes I wonder if maybe, just maybe, we deserve someone better then the man we cry for.

You are doing it all with your head tall and the next person in your life will be very lucky to have you (maybe your H) after all you have learned here.

Love you with all my heart and keep you close everyday.

XOXO
Pink

[job]

Pink,
That was a beautiful posting.

[Sotto]

Pink, thank you so much for your lovely post. I think you really captured so many of the feelings, dilemmas and possible outcomes. It is all rather unknown at the moment and I am trying to keep both the 'heal and move on' plus 'door open a crack' plates spinning. Time will tell and I have realised that we always need to consider the long term view in all that we do. As always it was lovely to hear from you (my 'over the pond' sis..)

Well, everything happened today. I got an email from H, plus a proposed settlement from the L. Email from H was all about admin and house stuff & extremely pleasant - saying how he especially appreciated a particular thing I had done etc. The settlement proposal was a little lower than expected with no rationale for being so. I reviewed all the figures from our disclosures and sent my L a revised proposal with rationale. All I did was look at our total assets, minus what we each came in with and 50% split the rest. This was what H had originally done and I'm not sure why this proposal was different. Anyway, I did it and despatched it - feeling calm and centred.

I replied to H's email, sending him a pic of me and my Mum as we had a celebration for her today. This is a departure for me as I've done nothing like that since we S. Of course, I am looking especially nice in the photo!! I find I can send things like this nowadays & stay very even emotionally. I just think - doh, I'll send it!

Tonight, I'm off to a pamper evening with my ladies social group. I'm having a make-up consultation for my 'treatment.' All proceeds go to charity and we've been asked to bring along a bag of essentials that will be donated to a domestic violence centre. Had a nice time out with the divorce group chums this week. I sat next to one of the guys and we had a long chat. It felt nice, and (whilst I'm not dating during 2016) I can see a positive future where I would enjoy some male company and dating etc. In fact, I think I'll be a much more confident me this time around!!

I'm in charge at the bookstore tomorrow, so it will be a busy one.. Take care all xx

[Wonka]

Sotto,

I hear you on the "heal and move on" and "door open a crack" spinning plates. In reflecting my own situation, I had these two plates spinning for a while until one day I just realized that the "door open a crack" plate cracked (pun intended) has it already fallen on the floor.

Interesting how time heals and then parts of your life just falls away by the wayside. Right now, I have three spinning plates of three really hot ladies. My dilemma is which one is the one I really want to be with. Ah...choices, choices.

Such is life.

[Sotto]

Wonka - you're incorrigible!

Well, yesterday did unsettle me a little. It was another time when I stood up for my interests in the settlement. H had originally proposed a formula for us to use. Total assets, minus we each get what we came in with and all else split 50/50. I agreed this was fair, subject to financial disclosures. The settlement offer that then came was for less than this, and so I reviewed the figures and adjusted them based on the original formula from H.

The thing is, I feel a bit bad about it because I don't really 'need' that extra money. H is in an incredibly expensive area and will probably need a mortgage to get a reasonable flat. My area is much cheaper and I would be able to comfortably buy a house outright. So, I guess I struggle with 'fairness' (original agreed formula) and 'am I just being grasping?'

I'm not going to do anything different - I already contacted the L - but I have been feeling a little bad about it. H will be 'worse off' than me, given the massive cost of property in his area. He does earn a six figure salary, so he probably won't suffer too much - but his industry is a bit depressed ATM, and losing his job is a possibility. Anyway, what's done is done now and I'll wait to hear from the L. I think it's one of those 'no-win' situations where I probably wouldn't have felt entirely happy with either choice.

Today I needed to get some pent up energy out and I went at the books like a woman posessed. Worked really hard all day and feel somewhat released now. I got a short email back from H in response to my photo - just saying thanks for sending, Mum looks well and he loves my hair

Anyway, that's it from me - quiet night in tonight with a glass of wine. Take care all xx

[Pink17]

Hi Sotto,

Interesting you feel this way about assets and the division of it. I guess in my situation I was looking after my children's interests and not only mine, so it was easy to focus on my rights only.

I believe what is yours is yours and period. Your H made his choices and needs to live with the consequences. Maybe you can look at this looking at things from his perspective.

"Oh gosh! what hell did I do? I didn't just ruined my M, my R, someone else's life and M, R... but I also ruined my financial situation. Is this the end of me? Oh, maybe not, I feel like I can make some more mistakes until the S**t hit the fan. Somehow my quest to hit the bottom is going well, once I get there, then I can do some growing up and realize what an idiot I have been"

IMHO, I would let him be. Sometimes not having it, makes us think: Why?

Just be in peace with yourself that you are not robbing him or taking anything that is not yours.

Love,
Pink

[bttrfly]

Darlin I know what you mean, but ...
BIG BIG BUT here

This is business. You have absolutely NO idea what the future holds for you or what your future financial needs will be. My lawyer said something interesting in our first meeting: the spouse who started the divorce should wind up a little less off than the lbs. no one wins everything but that is how the court usually goes here in the states anyway.

H wanted this, why should you foot the bill?

Take care of yourself first. The rest will fall into place.

Hope I haven't overstepped.

sending {{{hugs}}} and much love

[job]

Sotto,
I agree w/Pink and bttrfly. Divorce is business and you know what? He probably wouldn't feel the same way about you had you wanted the divorce. Being fair in settlement doesn't mean that you take less. It means that you ask for what is rightfully yours because you do not know what the future holds for you financially.

It's true, no one wins in divorce, but at least you will get what is truly a fair deal at the end of the day. Please don't feel sorry for him, he is the one that wanted out and trust me, he may have some difficult days along the way, but he's going to be okay...he's a big boy and he'll figure it out.

The most important person to take care of right now is YOU! Everything else will fall into place when the time is right.

[twinmom]

Sotto, as others have said you never know what the future holds. You could meet someone and decide you want to travel the world. .... you are being more than fair.

[mleigh4]

Chiming in to say, think of it as a business decision. Who gets what isn't based on who lives where. Assets need to be split based on what belongs to who. Don't let emotions get in the way, you could end up kicking yourself for that!

Hope you are feeling better. It's easy to read from your posts that you are a sweet, compassionate, smart and strong woman. You seem to know how to keep yourself going, good job Sotto

[HaWho]

Hi Sotto - I agree completely with everyone else. I thought just as Mleigh did in that your h has a choice where he wants to live and with that chichi choice comes a price tag. His choice is not on you.

I am jumping over here because you just posted (on my thread) the degressive order of your h's wish list to fix the m. My h followed the same pattern but vocalized a different order: wanting to be a father again, unhappy with where he was in life, lonely, wanting to sleep with other women and having me be sexy all the time + other "recommendations" in this same vein.

It is quite astounding, to me, that your h asked this and was mid-A. It is amazing that he could not see that the common denominator in this whole dynamic was him!

You are a very kind, good person Sotto. I always appreciate all your advice to me and to others.

[Sotto]

Thanks all for your thoughts - I do feel more settled about my response on the financials, particularly as this was the formula H suggested to me a while ago. Not sure why he then came back with a lower settlement offer, but oh well.

HaWho, yes that is interesting and you can see why we go through a phase of trying to catch up with their needs and bend ourselves all out of shape in the process.

Just thought I'd post a quick update. Nothing much to report, but have had quite a social time. Went out with a friend on Sun pm to hear some live music, and then working last couple of days. I'm off today and meeting up with a friend for lunch, then yoga tonight. Last night I had my gym induction and did a workout, which was good.

All is quiet from H and the L's since I responded on financials, so we'll wait and see on that one. From later this month, H will be able to finalise the D, so I imagine he will be keen to get everything resolved. I'm feeling pretty calm about it all again now. The one thing that stays on my mind is the need for our marital home to be cleared at some point. That weighs on me, and I think of it most days. I could take the initiative and get stuff out now, but I don't feel it makes sense to try and sell a half empty house, and practically I have all I need just now. I guess I'll just be glad when that bridge is crossed.

More social plans coming up with my divorce group chums, so that is pleasant. We have a 'chat group' so there is some ongoing banter back and forth on that - all very nice. So, I'm generally doing fine and pleased that Spring is going to be around the corner. I'm still practicing gratitude and one that is on today's list....

Have a great day all xx

[isittoolate]

Hi Sotto - I can't believe you have had a thread on MLC that I didn't know about! I always assumed you had no thread and were so detached from H that you just helped others like me! Doh!

I will be giving my L my financials on Friday. It's all very complex, with us each having different savings/endowment/insurance some pre dating the M.

Also I put a small inheritance into the latest house renovation. Also 3 have moved house 3 times in 15 years and I can't remember what we each contributed towards deposit and stamp duty and horrendous estate agent fees.

I guess the L will advise on Friday and I might have to hunt down some docs.

I will try to read your backstory as well.

[Sotto]

Haha, I wish....I actually can't remember how many threads I do have. I lost count a few back Is that a good sign or otherwise I'm not sure.

Yes, I've been over here in MLC for a while now. I did post in Newcomers for a time, then moved across.

Good luck with the financials. Our affairs are also pretty complex and the whole disclosures process did take some time. I took form E one section at a time and gathered info as I went. That seemed to help...

Best of luck to you

[Pink17]

Hi Sotto,

Just want to stop by to say that I keep you in my heart and wish you the best. It is a difficult time and I am very thankful that you are a bright and wise woman and is taking good care after yourself.

What about the Irish pub with live music? Did you have a chance to visit it yet?

I can see how busy the divorce chumps can be. In my group people are always setting up new activities, it's awesome.

Love you bunch,
Pink

[isittoolate]

Hi Sotto I read a fair bit of your backstory since Oct, as well as a few early posts to get the background.

Just to say I was nearly on Santas sleigh at Christmas! And I won't be able to enter a bookshop without wondering !

Thanks you for all yr contributions on my thread - every one is appreciated

[Sotto]

Hi Pink, I did go to the Irish music with a friend and it was good. The pub also run a regular quiz and friend suggested getting a team together for that.

Isit - funny about Santa's sleigh! It was a great night actually. Luckily I wore trainers....I had no idea how much running was involved. You'd be fine - but running is not a natural state for me!

I was at the bookstore yesterday and I'm off for a walk with some of my DRW chums today. Forecast isn't great, but I hear there's a coffee shop on the route .

Feeling pretty good. I do feel I have reached a point of acceptance and letting go of H. I accept that the D will happen and feel pretty positive about life. I don't feel particularly angry any more - towards him or towards OW. I'm able to wish them well now (most times anyway.) I don't really feel the need for any further closure and I'm expecting to move on gradually after the D. I'm perfectly fine here - what I struggle with more is potentially having contact with H. I don't mind by email, text or even phone - but to see him in person I would find stressful and I don't want to have to do that - I guess there's still some healing to do there.

Couple of new things arranged - meeting up with SS and his Mum for lunch soon and off to have lunch and play bingo with a new friend next week - should be interesting!

Have a great weekend all xx

[BrightFuture]

Hi Sotto, just popping up to up to say hi. Thanks for stopping by my thread. I found that e-mail is the easiest way to communicate with H too. At least it used to be. I used to be very nervous about his texts and phone calls (which luckily were pretty rare). Now, I don't care so much and don't get nervous. I think I’m starting to accept that H is gone. I think I’m ready for D, if he initiates it, and that it could help me to finally let go of that last piece of rope that I’m still holding onto.

I am glad you feel better. Yes, there is still some healing to do. You are doing great though. I like your social plans. Have a great weekend!

[Sotto]

Thanks Bright Yes it is a process, and I guess it just all takes the time it takes and varies for all of us.

Had a nice weekend, with a great walk out with my divorce group chums. We had a really good laugh, and it made me realise that I stopped having fun like that for a while. It's good it has returned.

I'm working tomorrow and then off to a mini-workshop with a couple of friends in the evening. I've offered to host a Valentine's Day dinner for a group of chums from the divorce workshop next weekend. I'm quite excited....not sure how many yet, but looks as though 5 or 6 can come. If I had known last Valentines Day that I would have been doing this, I would have been pretty pleased!

Have a great week all xx

[job]

Sotto,
The healing process for each person is different and you can't rush the process. All you can do is feel the pain, work through it and then allow it to wash off your back. Each time you feel the pain, you will notice that you grow stronger and then one day, you'll begin to see the light of day again and can enjoy life once more in a very different way than you do now.

I'm glad you met up w/your divorce group chums and had a nice walk. I think it's really nice that you are hosting a Valentine's Day dinner. It should be a lot of fun and no one will be left alone that evening. Enjoy their company as they will enjoy yours.

Have a great week!

[mleigh4]

Sotto. What a great idea, your Valentine's dinner! What are you going to make? I am happy to hear you are laughing, I remember when that first started coming back for me. You are doing good, hang in there. I hope you have a nice week.

[bttrfly]

Sotto I'm so glad you are feeling better. You are the epitome of resilience and grace under pressure. Enjoy your dinner party xoxoxo

[rd500]

Have a great dinner party Sotto , I presume we are all invited and even if the others aren't , I will expect my Invitation in the mail !!!! ( along with the card !!! )

Take care ?? xx

[123Gwen]

Sotto- your party sounds lovely. So glad you are out and about and staying active. It can be hard some days to be social but friends and activities keep us moving forward. So do tell us your party menu - are you going with a theme?

[Sotto]

Well, at this point there are seven coming along to the Valentines dinner. I realised we won't all fit round my little table, so I'm going to lay out the food and everyone can help themselves and we'll just sit around in my lounge and eat. I'm going to keep it simple and do a huge lasagne with jacket potatoes, salad and garlic bread. Dessert is going to be a maple and pecan cheesecake.

I bought some red heart tea light candles, and a bunch of red roses for the table, plus everyone is going to get a Valentines card. TBH, I'm 'daring greatly' here. I always relied on the support of H to host things and I'm not used to going it alone. Hopefully all will go well and you are all invited of course! RD your gift of a spa treat day is in the post already.

Sent a quick email to my L today. Generally I just leave her to it, but it's been two weeks since I sent her my settlement proposal & I'm not sure if she's done anything with it. Otherwise, all is well - busy at work and out with a couple of friends last night.

Take care all xx

[job]

Sotto,
I think your dinner menu sounds perfect! Everyone will enjoy themselves and will still be talking about the night weeks from now. You are going to be okay and you will be a great hostess! Your guests will appreciate having some place to go to relax and enjoy company of others.

It's good to touch base w/your lawyer every once in a while. They tend to get busy and sometimes things get pushed aside just a wee bit. Hopefully she'll get back to you in a day or so.

Enjoy the rest of your week.

[rd500]

Dinner sounds great Sotto. Genuinely would love to be there . You will be a fantastic host Enjoy.

Take care. Rd xx

[HaWho]

I want to come, too! Sounds so fun. GREAT idea!!

[isittoolate]

Hi Sotto - enjoy dinner and your friends. I would love to help out and be all neighbourly

Lasagne is a favourite of mine but I hardly ever have it as W is vegetarian and gluten free!

At least when we separate I get to eat what I want without thought for W's dietry restrictions. I look forward to expanding my culinary skills!

[Sotto]

Thanks guys - I'm vegetarian, so it will be a huge veggie lasagne actually Isit

Been working hard last few days, and I'm off now. I'm having lunch and then playing Bingo (I know!) with my fun and silly friend later - should be interesting...

Going to start doing a bit of shopping and sorting at the flat ready for the weekend. L came back to me & asked me to resend my email to her. Seems it was missed somehow? Dropped H a quick email apologising for the delay. It's strange that our D may be finalised in just a few weeks. I feel pretty numb about it really - and quite calm, not distressed. Maybe it hasn't fully sunk in yet - or could be that so much else awful has happened, I now just deal with things without the angst. It feels like we haven't had any sort of R for so long, the D is just a further step.

Still reading codependent no more - interesting read - and I have some of these traits for sure. Something to work on going forward.

Hope everyone is having a good week xx

[Pink17]

Hi Sotto,

Great idea to have a Valentines Dinner and mainly with some friends that actually get what you are going through, that is a plus.

The D is something awkward, I had so much pain dealing with the fact that I signed a paper saying that my M was broken and couldn't be mended, but sometimes it becomes that, just a piece of paper.

It sure makes a difference in my perspective and I am still navigating the routes to find myself as a single person. Maybe it is because it did not change much for me since I still have the kids, but it is weird to be the owner of my own life.

I think that you have been very wise throughout this whole process and had forced yourself early on to get moving. Your definitely an example that GAL can diminished some pain along the way.

I would love to be at your dinner party, sounds pretty fun. I actually made a meat lasagna to my Divorce group friends last sunday. They loved it!. On Valentines sunday the group has a Potluck schedule and then the class. Should be fun too.

So Sotto, what happen to that gentleman at your work, still talking?

Have a great day!
Pink

[rd500]

Hi Sotto , I'll have to skip the party , nothing what so ever to do with the Veggie aspect as I like a lettuce and lettuce , meat substitute and bran , wholemeal bun , washed down with real orange juice , the same as the next guy. ( as long as the next guy visits McDonald's every other week !!!!!!!!!!!!).


Just kidding of course , I hope you have a great evening and I have no doubt you will be the hostess with the mostest !!!!!

Take care. Rd xx

[rd500]

Hi Sotto , how did the party go ? I was thinking about your group last night and hope you had a great time

Take care Rd xx

[Sotto]

Hi RD, thanks for asking. Yes it went really well and the food turned out fine. There were seven of us and I had fixed a table top to my small table so we could all sit together and eat. Everyone seemed to appreciate having a nice VD plan. For some of them it was their first VD without their SO. They liked their card, and one GAL also had a VD card from her ex, so there was some speculation about that.

It was great for me, because my focus was on preparing for it this weekend, rather than on VD, so that passed without me really feeling too poignant about anything. We did have some really good laughs and my ribs ached by the end of the evening - some of them are pretty funny and there were some joke themes running and lots of teasing. People seem keen to do some regular social stuff which will be nice I think.

I'm working from home today and just taking a lunch break, eating leftovers. I'm pretty tired today, so it was good to be able to log on in my PJs (well not quite, but YKWIM ) How was your Valentines Day RD? Any news from your W at all??

Thanks for checking in and take care my friend xx

[job]

Sotto,
I am so glad that everything turned out well yesterday. I'm sure your guests enjoyed the meal and spending time together. The group sounds like a nice bunch and I'm sure there will be many more activities in the days ahead that you will be involved in w/them.

Working from home today is a good idea. You don't realize just how much effort (and stress) goes into planning a dinner party. Take it easy today and know that you had a great time yesterday w/your new friends.

[BrightFuture]

Hi Sotto, I can almost picture myself at your VD dinner, LOL. It sounded so nice. And the cards idea was great! You are very thoughtful, kind and generous person.

[bttrfly]

so glad you had a lovely time --- well done! now, about that veg lasagna recipe???? xoxoxo

[isittoolate]

Hi Sotto - glad your party went well, maybe next year I'll do one!

Just dropping in to say I'm doing ok - just less posting and reading on the threads as I find it all a little depressing.

I'm moving out in 10 days or so, if my friends flat is fixed up in time. It will be cheaper than the market rate and no deposit required and it's only for a few months so I can get a more permanent bigger plCe. I need a place with a garage to house all my bikes and bike maintenance stuff and hopefully to keep the kids bikes, scooters etc.

I feel that I have completely dropped the rope and given up on the M and R. I am focussing on me: my new place, work, my kids and my fitness. It's enough. Plus I've been peaking at the online dating scene - and getting a far bit of attention from 40 something women which is nice.

W is taking kids away for the rest of half-term to see an old friend of hers down Bath way and I'm working away for two nights in Amersham. Then back to do a little packing and more cycling with the club. I'm very fit for the time of year, building towards a big sportive in May.

I'm worried that the kids still don't know and have told W that I won't to inform them a sap - it will probably be this Sunday.

Bye for now x

[Sotto]

Hi Isit, good to hear from you and glad you decided to take the flat. At least it gives you some breathing space whilst you look for a longer term option. I know you can rent garages pretty cheaply through the local housing trust....just in case of any interest.

Feeling a little unsettled today. Had lunch out with My SS and HXW. We had a nice time and it's nice to keep in touch, but I do find it easier not to have that link with H and receive snippets of news. I keep the convos to general stuff mainly - but there's always a bit of something creeps in. So, it appears the original OW is still very much on the scene. SS doesn't really talk fondly of her - though he seems to think she is ok (he is 15 of course..) His Mum says she has no desire to meet this woman and generally doesn't talk positively of H.

She said there is always a spin at the end of R's and she imagines I was given a spin by H. I said something like - I guess we all have our own take on everything and didn't pursue further. Just all a little difficult and a convo avenue to better sidestep next time - oh well. It's evident they very much think our R is completely over and OW is now very much H's girlfriend. I guess it's helpful to know the status of things and I just need to keep moving forward. I think I generally do pretty well - but TBH as time goes on I see less and less of a way back for us and I'm moving towards complete closure.

Otherwise, all is well and I'm busy socially - yoga tonight, out on Fri and Sat nights with friends and helping a friend with a house move on Sunday. No more news from the L on possible settlement matters and D, but presume she has written to H's L with our proposal by now.

Take care all xx

[rd500]

Hi Sotto. Doesn't sound like those convos are healthy and as you well know nothing heard can be believed or even if it's heard correctly You seem to have a handle on it and it clutter in your head that you don't need.

Your doing an excellent job moving forward with your life and you the Queen of GAL.

I like to think your H will come to his senses one day but either way your doing all you can to deal with your own life

I think it's ok to be a bit down or peed off but nothing has really changed Try to put it out of your mind and know that it's his loss Sotto will be happy again and from what I read she's well on the way

Take care and big hug. Rd. xx

[Sotto]

Hi RD, thanks for posting and - ugh, I know. In truth, I've felt a bit rotten ever since - taken back to that time when I felt sick, shaken and vulnerable. It really triggered something in me.

As you say, nothing has changed - and I guess I just need to deal with the feeling yucky. on the upside, feeling low about things does make me realise I haven't felt this way for some time, which is progress. I'm sure there was a time when I felt that way the whole time.

I find I read the sitches of others and they have more contact with their MLCer. I think I'm just facing a feeling of no hope really. Though logically I understand the MLC journey and I also feel we had a good M - I also know ours has been a short M and with no kids together. I guess I just feel this is really the end and it has hit me a little. Have I been in denial? Maybe so. Just some more grief I guess.

I feel I'm 'doing the right things' and there is nothing really. No progress at all. I know there is progress within me, and I guess that is the main thing - but just nothing in H. And I struggle to accept that he just chose this woman whose last R was also an A and then she cheated on him with H. And I'm pretty nice really - not perfect by any means, but pretty nice, and ....oh well, this isn't really going anywhere is it - just self pity...

Anyway - a bit of a low day. This week has been busy, I have a sore throat and think I got a bit overtired. Hopefully things will look up in a few days.

Take care all & thanks for reading xx

[bttrfly]

you have a sore throat my love because you have a lot to say to h and you cannot, find another way to let it out - journal, write him a letter but don't send it ... just get it off your chest and out of your system, in a safe way. not self pity ... you have been hurt, and you are right to be perplexed, as you are awesome and ow, not so much ... you can only take care of yourself, and allow these feelings to come wash over you like a wave then pass as we know they will. be gentle with yourself my dear xoxoxoxoxo {{{{{hugs}}}}}

[Zephyr]

And I'm pretty nice really - not perfect by any means, but pretty nice, and ....oh well, this isn't really going anywhere is it - just self pity...

Anyway - a bit of a low day. This week has been busy, I have a sore throat and think I got a bit overtired. Hopefully things will look up in a few days.

Take care all & thanks for reading xx

Hey sotto, you are not pretty nice...you are a awesome. Youre caring, loving, amazing soul who i look forward to seeing your deep and heartfelt posts every day.

Please do not judge yourself based on one mans skewed actions. This is not easy as we put so much weight and faith into just that. They (our spouses) are messed up right now and we cant help that. They are messed up because they need to justify not being able to look at themselves...no instead they thrash and destroy all that is around them...to prove something to themselves. Because he loves you, he cannot be close to you. He just cannot see any of that right now, i believe he will some day.

Instead of accepting your love and that they are lovable (which they cannot do) they run...huh??? Alien mind, right?

No, you are worth so much more than what his scatter brained actions are twlling you.

It is just messed up. I believe the affairs are just so they can feel normal if just in a sense that they dont feel the pain of being truely close, even for just a short while. That deep connection that we are all missing with out ex's and waw spouses is precisely what they cannot handle. Think about that for a second.

I dont know what it is in your h's past that is causing this rift, but there is something and he must find his way through on his own.

I wish your you, there was an easier way. From what ive seen of your posts, and theough the rhetoric of posting ro others, you are on the right path.

(Huuuugggggsssss)

[HaWho]

Hi Sotto - here to lend you support.

Sometimes, when we are hurting we don't look at the logic of it all as the pain is so great.

Circling back to your struggle with the fact that he is choosing a dysfunctional relationship with a dysfunctional woman. It's a relationship built on lies and deception. Think about that. Just reminding you that his choices reflect much about him and not you.

He can't possibly meet your emotional needs right now nor can he do so for any "whole" woman. He's going to seek out broken women and broken down women will seek him out. There's nothing wholesome about this.

No healthy, "whole" woman would be attracted to who he is today. Because you have little contact you may be remembering who he was and think he is that person. As a person who has contact with my MLCer, let me reassure you that he is a shell of himself. His decisions back that up.

He is lost. These are the choices lost people make. They are two weak people clinging to dysfunction. It's not romantic. It's sad.

He is not the person you knew. I am telling you, it is in my face each and every day. I promise you, these are splinters of people.

[mleigh4]

Hi Sotto. I can imagine those conversations can not feel good. Remember, they don't know what you know about MLC. Your H is not in a healthy loving R with this person, it is an escape from his internal pain. Maybe next time you can say upfront no H talk? I have done that several times and they understand.

It's easier to see this, like Hawho said, when you are around the MLC'er. They have so little to give, their world revolves around themselves. Don't let your imagination get you Sotto and remember, this is not about you.

I will tell you what I think about my own sitch at times. Like you said, I too consider myself to be a very nice person, loveable, fun, caring, not perfect but overall a desirable mate. I honestly think that it confuses my H, to be around me, to see this but continue to feel confused about how he feels. I would guess your H may think the same. His mind is not clear right now.

I too often think we have drifted too far to find our way back and feel headed towards closure. But I believe, being who you are, you will be just fine.

[Sotto]

Thanks so much guys - your posts have really helped me. I got on a poor track there, and you have reminded me about MLC and what the R with the AP is actually like. Your posts are on a similar theme - the dysfunction - little to give - healthy/whole is missing - etc. That did help and I do feel more settled. I think things are a little raw at the moment as final D is right around the corner - I'll get through it though. And it's high time to shift the focus back on to something more interesting........ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I may give HWX a miss next time and plan something nice for SS down here. I'm keen to take him into the bookstore for a shift with me - I think he'd enjoy that. Worked a shift at the bookstore yesterday - not the best day - was tired and out of sorts and the till didn't balance by a long shot. Had to leave a big apologetic note to the store manager.

But I had a nice glass of wine last night with a friend, who lost her Dad at the weekend. We had a good chat and a little cry and it was soothing for us both I think. I slept well and I'm looking forward to the weekend. I'm seeing a couple of friends tonight and helping Dad take Mum off to respite this afternoon. Tomorrow a couple of us are helping out a friend who just moved into a new place. He has hardly any furniture and we're hitting the thrift shops to pick up some stuff....right up my street!

Hope everyone has a good weekend and thanks so much for your wisdom and kindness xxx

[Sotto]

Hi all, I feel I've come out of my recent dip and thanks for your support. It's been a good few days. I did some nice things with friends and I have a quieter week at work this week, so I plan to recharge a little. I'm off today and plan to potter about, catching up on washing and so on.

It's H's B'day this week. Last year I sent him a nice card and got an appreciative text back. I know now that he and OW were 'off' at that point last year and as far as I know they are 'on' just now. Plus, we are about to D as far as I know. I don't feel like missing his B'day entirely, but posting a card feels a bit much, so I plan to just send a brief HBD text. Other than that - all quiet on every front.....except my GAL plans of course!!!!

Take care all xx

[kiwiGAL]

Hi Sotto,

i am new to posting but have been following for ages - a 'cling on' as someone else said

I have very little contact with my ExH and that has made my day to day life rather stressless, as I leave him to his own devices, and carry on with my life - actively trying to be the best me i can. Not perfect by any means, but like you, a pretty nice person. Nice a bit insipid actually - a pretty rocking person.

You sound far to spirited to be simply 'nice' and i think you may be a pretty rocking person too!

I do find that because there is so little contact, i struggle when there is contact. I struggle with ExH ability to appear 'normal' and as if this whole crazy situation is normal. I struggle to find safe non consequential things to talk about. Im so busy faking it that I wonder if I actually come off appearing happy about his choices and actions then spend time berating myself for not using the brief moments of contact better.

I so appreciate the advice given to you and take heart from it myself.

This is not about us; it does not matter what other people think - they will think it anyway; we CAN still be the best us possible.

I hope you have a good day today - being you which rocks and is much more than nice.

[mleigh4]

You are my GAL hero! Glad you are feeling better

[Sotto]

Oh, thank you ladies! Kiwi - I'll stop by your thread in Newcomers and have a look - thanks for thinking I 'rock' more than nice - I feel quite spunky now - is that a permitted description?? Nice to have another 'distant' MLCer - most people seem to be pretty close to theirs - there are pros and cons of course.

Well, as it was, H contacted me with an update on the house - so I was able to reply to his email and drop a Many happy returns into that. It felt more natural than me emailing him HBD out of the blue. It was a little funny that he hasn't been in touch for weeks until the day before his Bday - Perhaps he wanted to prompt contact around the day? IDK - and won't wonder about that too much.

Anyway, it was a frustrated email about viewers & their feedback to our agent, which H thought to be stupid. He sounded pretty fed up really. My response was a very pleasant DB tour de force - validating, breezy, sympathetic, HBD, a little joke and sign off - all in four lines. I blithely typed it and thought 'I have arrived '

We have passed the date where H can apply to finalise the D now. Not heard anything yet, but imagine that may be just around the corner. Otherwise, all is well. I'm steadier again and have GAL plans this weekend.

Hope you all have a great Wednesday! Xx

[job]

Sotto,
You sound stronger and more grounded today. I think you handled the email very well. Sometimes they do tend to poke their heads out around holidays or special events. Even though he was contacting you about the house, he was, in his own little mind, wanting to see if you remember his special day. Well done!

I hope you enjoy the rest of the week!

[isittoolate]

Hi Sotto - Whats new pussycat??...Have you got your Jones tickets yet??

[Sotto]

Hi Isit - thanks for the heads up. Wow, he's a big name to play here! I may well try and get tickets...

Hope things are going okay with you...do post an update and let us know how you are doing.

Take care

[bttrfly]

well done! ! ! xoxoxo

[Pink17]

Hi Beautiful,

I was updating myself on your sitch and felt the need to storm things around.

Sotto you say that there is no contact and things are the way they are. As I recall, you found out about the A and left your H right away. Got yourself into a new place closer to your parents and went NC.

Is there any chance your H got the idea that he is better off far away from you? The MLCers have some crazy stuff in there tiny brains and he may well be thinking that "you" think he needs to be out of your way.

Being close to ours MLCers is very painful, sometimes it would be just easy to cut them off of all contact and move forward without the aggravation.

You are pleasant with him, more like business like. Who knows if in his head he thinks that you were so done with him and it is something that he may try to avoid because he will be rejected in many ways.

It's easy to conclude that "Oh well, H is done with me and is dying in love for the scam bag" ... is that really what he thinks? Is not that mind reading and guessing?

Yes he wants the D, but many others that came back home also said and did that. I did my D and yet I did not want it.

Do you ever think about jumping into the fire to see what really happens? You are stronger now. Even with some pity party episodes as I call, you are much more settle. Why you can put your foot forward and expose yourself a bit more.

Thus that hurt? Yes it does. Is that the right thing to do? It may or may not be. But are you conformed with the end results? Are you going to look back and say you did all you want to do before dropping the rope forever?

D or not D it does not make a difference. We are all human beings assembled with many feelings. You both were in a R and it had problems, but some of those wounds are not as obvious anymore. If there was an interaction today, you would be both some kind of new to each other.

If you would like to send him a card on his BDay, then do so. It really does not matter what he thinks about it. It is about what you think that really makes a difference for "you".

If he is with this scam bag or not it really does not matter much. You have no idea why is he with this woman. Maybe because he has no other option. It is just comfortable to have someone, but it does not mean you love that person.

So, how can you just think that he is in wonderland and moving on as there is no yesterday or tomorrow? If there is no contact, then you can think about how to have some.

If the house is having some selling issues, you could ask to meet him there and walk around to check if there is anything you both can do to improve what people will see.

Maybe there can be a date with SS and the two of you for a reason. Some closure for SS that has been ignored in the way that things just passed by in his life and no one really cares about what he feels.

Or maybe just a coffee because you feel like talking to him. Just that, I would like to chat for my own good.

Is that going to make yourself to open to a dangerous area and you can't expose yourself to that kind of vulnerability/ Why not? Is there anything to lose? Or checking the temperature will make you see what is really there?

I do not want to put the hot potato on your hands, but taking the NC road is letting you just guess about things and it is not going to help you with closure if that is what you want. Neither is giving him any clue that you have your door still open to him.

If I am him, I would think that you are so done with him you don't even want to look at him. And why not? Sometimes, a little contact for crazy reasons would create a situation to show you are in a better place with yourself.

Reading an email or text is not really enough, there are interpretations and the guessing game there. What for you may be polity, pleasant, positive, validating... can be for him that you just take care after business.

Question: How do you feel about exposing yourself a bit? Would that be something you feel you can do? Can you handle the pain?

Sorry to pock you with a short stick, but I have a little devil inside of me and for me I believe that if I need to be done and drop that rope, I need to be sure I tried everything before letting go.

With much love for you,
Pink

[Sotto]

Hi Pink, thanks so much for your post above. I actually didn't start DBing until 3 months after BD and his admission of the PA. During that time we had a number of talks and met up once (last time I saw him). He just kept saying he was confused, and he was clearly still in touch with OW. I asked him about MC and he said 'that's not my idea of romance!' It got to the point where we were going round in circles, and he clearly really wasn't interested in 'us.'

After 3 months, I moved to dim contact and DBing proper, so I have been doing that for 15 months now - and I haven't initiated any R talk during that time. We've spoken twice by phone Over that period - both 20 mins chat or so....all pleasant etc...and because there was some business to sort. I believe he truly thinks - she has her own life now.

In truth, unless he is interested in R, I wouldn't intend initiating any contact with him. I can see where you are going with that suggestion - but it wouldn't help me to see him if he is intent on R with OW. I'm reconciled to never actually seeing him again once the D is finalised.

I think you have a little streak of romance, and you think that perhaps if we meet, something may shift - and would I be at peace knowing I didn't try that? Perhaps - but I think I have done 'enough' for me to try and save things and feel at peace with my part. When he said he wanted us to D last Spring, I told him I loved him and that wasn't what I wanted. That I hoped we might find our way back to eachother.

For me, I plan not to date until at least a year after D. I accept the D will be finalised. During that period, maybe the door is open a tiny chink and if he peeps through it, I'll worry about it at that point. Until or unless that happens, I'm moving forward with my own life and likely won't see him again.

Thanks for your perspective though - it's always helpful to be challenged and to think about changing things up a little....have a lovely weekend. It's a busy one for me - meal out last night with the divorce group, then coffee at someone's house. Got in late. Craft workshop today then off to see the parents. Having a recently bereaved friend over for coffee on Sunday.

Take care all xx

[Sotto]

Well, I started emptying 'the case' that has been under my spare bed pretty much since BD. When I started moving stuff, I began stashing items that felt painful into that case and I pretty much haven't touched it since - apart to add the odd thing in.

This week, it just felt right to start tackling it, and a number of items of clothing bought for me by H soon before BD are off to the charity shop. Some things I like and have decided to keep and wear. Feels quite liberating. There are some tougher items in that case, but I figure I'll work my way on to those.

When we M, I wore a beautiful, heavy lace bolero and today I dyed that a lovely silver grey colour. It looks far less bridal now and I'm hoping it might become a nice evening jacket. I didn't want to part with it - but equally I didn't want my wedding outfit sitting in the wardrobe. But if it is reinvented as something else, I'm happy.

Feels like progress anyway xx

[job]

Sotto,
I think silver grey is a lovely color for a bolero. I think you did the right thing by dying it and you'll get a lot of wear out of it.

Take your time emptying that case. As you get stronger, you'll be able to tackle those tough items.

So, have you and your father decided on a pup yet? If so, what kind?

[Sotto]

Thanks Job - I was actually hoping for black (?!) but the silver grey looks pretty nice. Yes, it's good to get started on that case. And I'm finding that having so much time pass means I'm clearer on what matters to keep and what I can let go. I'll certainly keep a few things from H, but equally I may sell some higher value items and let someone else enjoy them. The harder parts are all the engagement and wedding cards and Valentines cards received from H over the years. I'm just not sure with those. Do I let it all go? I'm sure I can let most go - but would it be healthy to keep anything? Does chucking it all erase the 'good' times too?

I guess if I'm not really ready, I'll just wait on those....no news on pup yet....still mulling that one over.

Xx

[bttrfly]

Good questions - found some birthday and mother's day cards yesterday. Of course, they left me sobbing quietly in my room with the door closed, praying son wouldn't hear me.

I just packed up a bunch of photos and cards into a box and put them in the closet. I will deal with it down the road. I cannot face it now. I am trying to just go with what I'm most decisive about and leave the waffly stuff till later, when more time has passed and I feel stronger. Does that make sense?

I've been dealing with these questions also. I wanted no photos to remind me, but then I thought, well, that's not really what my life has been for the past 26 years, and what about S? What kind of a message would I send if I got rid of all dad's photos? I have wondered what it would be like if I didn't share my living space with someone still tied to H. I think the answer to that for you will come in time. H and your marriage was a big part of your life for a long time Sotto, so you may find that it makes sense to honor that by keeping the things that mean the most to you. Knowing you, you will figure it out with your usual grace and in the appropriate time as you continue your journey.

What kind of a pup are you going to get? My boy is an English Springer. His grandma won Best of Breed at Crufts. His daddy was flown to the states to a lovely woman who adores him. My fur baby is a combination of good New England stock and great "Old Country" stock as well. I would have been happy with a rescue, but H wanted a puppy, purebred so he knew the lineage, and a springer. This was especially important to him as springers have epilepsy and rage issues in certain lines.

Keep me posted on the puppy watch!!!! So excited for you, if you do decide to get one. I couldn't imagine life without my sweet furry boy.

xoxoxo

[Sotto]

Thanks Bttrfly- I was thinking of a dog who is little, calm and friendly. Those are my three descriptive words and I don't really mind what kind of puppy if it fits that description. Maybe a rescue dog? Still, it's not a plan for just now as I'm still renting.

Ugh, I have a sore throat today and feel a bit under the weather. Luckily I'm not working until Friday, so I'm going to try and recharge before then as I have a few social plans over the weekend.

I heard from my L today. H agreed to my proposal, but there is an aspect of risk that I'm keen to tie up. I'll get back to my L and see if we can agree on a form of wording that covers this.

The letter from his L said he wants to get the financial order agreed as soon as possible, in order that he can apply for the decree absolute. That part makes me feel like not rushing really, but it'll be hanging over me until I respond, so I guess I'll just get it sorted. At least I don't need to watch the postbox for the absolute just now. I've been conscious of doing that for the past week or so. I had this horrible thought that maybe OW proposed on leap year day - ugh - but it doesn't pay to dwell on stuff like that at all - I know that much already.

So, a bit mixed, but good that H agreed the financials. I still won't have funds until the house sale, which is a bit of a pain - but it is what it is I guess. I'll get there.

Hope everyone is having a good day xx

[job]

Please take care of yourself. Sounds like your immune system is not up to par right now and that means pampering yourself.

A rescue pup would be a wonderful idea. I know you aren't ready to get one, but it's nice to think about what you are looking for, which I can see you've already got some good ideas as to what type. Small is a good idea, especially if you dad is going to share in taking care of the little one.

Enjoy the rest of your week!

[rd500]

Hi Sotto. Another step forward. It's tough when the reality has to be faced but it's also a step closer to the future

You've come far in a long tough journey You've kept your head held high and faced this with incredbe strength I know you don't think you have but from the outside your one of the bravest souls on this board I do appreciate you have your struggles and fears but strength is about how you face them and your a shining example of how to do this

Your a good person and even though I wish you hadnt needed to find this board for my own selfish reasons Im sort of grateful you did. Your advice and encouragement have helped me through many a tough day and thank you.

take care. Rd

[mleigh4]

Hey Sotto. Tackling those mementos is hard. For me, it seems things stay put, until one day, I look at it differently, and decide it's time to put it away. It's weird, things I pass by everyday, will suddenly stand out. It's part of the process I suppose.

Take your time and do what feels right. Even if it's just packing it away out of site for now.

Hope your day is bright

[Pink17]

Hi Sotto,

You do everything with such grace, I kinda envy you in a good sense.

Sometimes I am such an emotional mess I wish I can be bright like you. So, no matter what direction, you have been a mentor for many of us.

It's hard to move on, when I see or talk to people that are way past what we are crossing now and they are actually better then in their old marriage, it gives a little hope we will be Ok.

I guess we have to let time to help us on the healing process, what is another roller-coaster on itself. Some days are very good and we feel like we can tackle any challenge, some others are filled with memories, what ifs, just some pain.

But like Sotto says - Oh well, let's live another day and move forward with our lives.

You rock Sotto, love you lots beautiful.

XOXO
Pink

[BrightFuture]

Hi Sotto, I still keep the things from my H, the cards, some items he gave me, the clothes he bought me, and I also wear a ring that he gave me on one of our anniversaries. I don’t wear the wedding ring. Well, it is not exactly the wedding ring, he gave it to me after 4 years of marriage. He just thought that I didn’t need a ring, since it was my second marriage. He never wanted a ring himself and I respected his wish. I love this ring though, it has a pink diamond. I’m planning to get it resized and wear it on the right finger.

I don’t know why, but all the items (including the cards) do not bother me anymore. I used to cry when I opened one of these cards from H, where he was telling me that he loved me so much. I don’t open these cards anymore, I know they are there, and that someday I will be able to read them without sad feelings.

Pink’s post made me think…

You are pleasant with him, more like business like. Who knows if in his head he thinks that you were so done with him and it is something that he may try to avoid because he will be rejected in many ways.

Reading an email or text is not really enough, there are interpretations and the guessing game there. What for you may be polity, pleasant, positive, validating... can be for him that you just take care after business.

This is exactly what crosses my mind quite often. And in my case, just like Pink mentioned, neither of us gives each other a closure. I’ve been thinking about the temperature check as well, but I’m like you, not eager to put myself out there without any indication of H’s intentions. As far as I can tell, he is still dead set on his decision, even though not filing for D and giving me the mixed signals, especially lately.

I think I’m like you, gradually accepting the reality and trying move on with my life. Take care.

[Sotto]

Ah, thanks Guys xx RD, I don't think I'm that brave really. I think I'm a bit of a 'runner' and it is more comfortable for me not to see H. I think I'd be a big scaredy and fall all to bits if I did have to see him. Plus, I think I'm pretty lucky in that we don't have much contact and what we do is pretty pleasant in the main. I notice if I push a little on something, I get some tetchy kick back, so I've learned to sit back and let things unfold.

MLeigh and Bright, thanks for your comments about 'the stuff in the case.' I had a burst of activity on that and feel happy with the stuff that has gone to charity - a bit lighter. I'm sure I'll have another go at some more stuff soon.

Pink, thanks for thinking I have grace. I think I've just reached a point where I'm truly letting go. H is clearly still together with OW, and seems set on finalising the D. I've accepted that. I have my plan - no dating in 2016 - and the door remains open a tiny chink. After that I'll review. TBH, I don't really feel like 'standing' anymore. I feel I have little love for H and can't really imagine us together again. But I also accept, I'm operating in face of zero interest and encouragement from him....and if that ever changed - IDK.

Nice Guy at work is somewhere on the scene still. We are friendly and he seems a little interested still. I don't know his D circumstances. Only that he has been D 1-2 years now and his ex is dating someone who drives a fancy car. It appeals to me that he hasn't jumped into a new R yet. I know some of the ladies at work are hoping he'll get fixed up. Again, I'm working on logic on this one and accepting it's too early a stage for me just yet.

Other than that, I'm still under the weather and have drawn back from activities for a couple of days. I get fairly regular throat problems (linked to stress I think) where I completely lose my voice. It's like an infection flares up and when it does, it's pretty frustrating and there seems nothing to do but rest. I am working tomorrow though - but will try not to speak much!

Thanks for dropping by and posting my friends xx

[bttrfly]

xoxoxoxox
that's all
oh and this: {{{{{{hugs and soup}}}}}}

[Butterc]

Sotto, it sounds like you're moving on with grace. You're leaving the door cracked yet standing in your truth.

Rest, take care of your lovely self. Besides soup, Vicks is a throat soother.

[123Gwen]

Sotto- you have truly been intentional in your heart. By standing and loving you gave yourself the gift of integrity and you modeled abiding love for your H in the face of some dark times. These are signs of strength and wisdom. Moving forward you are choosing to value yourself in a beautiful selfless way. You aren't stepping aside but standing for something bigger at a time that is right for you.

{{{hugs}}}

[mleigh4]

Well said Gwen

[job]

Sotto,
I am going to recommend something that I discovered on one of my trips to your country many years ago and it's called "Fisherman's Friend". They are excellent for a sore throat, but you'll need to get use to the taste of them. I recommended them over any other throat lozenge out there.

[Sotto]

Thanks so much for your good wishes. I do feel better now. I'm WFH today, but then have a busy couple of days, so will pace myself. Gwen, thank you so much for your kind words - I was very touched by them. If I have gained some more strength and wisdom from this experience, these are gifts indeed. I guess at this stage, I don't feel as though I'm moving on as such - but I expect to be D'd very soon, and I hope to keep moving solidly forward - just in a new phase now,

Yesterday was Mothers Day here. I don't really have any expectations on Mother's Day as a step mum...and I may not have heard from SS last year. This year, he texted me a lovely message saying he loves me lots and he couldn't have asked for a better step mum, which made me cry a little. I had a nice gentle day - bought my Mum some flowers and cooked her lunch. Had some nice hugs and kisses. Also had a nice day out with friends on Saturday, plus a night out with my D group chums and lots of laughing.

This morning, I'm ridiculously excited as my new washing machine is arriving. For a year + now, I have been doing laundry at my parents and last week I decided - it is time. So, I'm going to run a load of laundry later (well, assuming I manage to get the machine connected... ) - simple pleasures....

Have a great day my lovely DB chums. Xx

[job]

Happy Belated Mother's Day!

I'm glad you are feeling better and I'm sure getting a text from your step son made you smile. Sotto, he's very happy to have you in his life. I'm glad you spent time with your mother and had a very quite day.

Your weekend was a busy one and I do hope you got some much needed rest. BTW, congratulations on the new washer! You will definitely enjoy doing laundry now! They aren't difficult to hook up.

Have a great day!

[bttrfly]

Happy belated Mum's day Sotto. So proud of your SS for sending you that text and letting you know how he feels about you. It's really hard for boys that age to do that sometimes. He is a good boy and lucky to have you in his life.

Glad you were able to spend time with your mom also, sounds like a lovely day.

Guess what I did Saturday? I bought a washer dryer combo ... this washing machine has overflowed three times already ... once with just a sheet set and a pair of pillowcases ... time to do something to make our lives easier, don't you think? mine comes on Saturday. I will think of you !!!! xoxoxoxo

[Sotto]

Thanks Job and Bttrfly- yes, he's a good lad and I'm pleased we are able to keep in touch the way we do. And credit to his Mum too, for being so supportive of it.

I'm doing okay. I heard from the L this week with the draft financial agreement. It all looks okay and I replied to her on that basis. Once this agreement is signed, H plans to finalise the D. I will receive a welcome chunk of money at that point, and remaining funds when our house sells. I won't be able to buy a place myself just yet, but cash flow will be healthy again.

I've been feeling pretty even about things. TBH, I have lost the 'love' feelings for H. Although I understand MLC and have read widely around it, it just seems hard to retain those warm feelings in the face of absolute 'goneness.' The most I feel able to do is entertain the possibility that things could change at some point, and that I may want to consider possible R if that happened. But that feels light years away and I've quite accepted that our R is over and I shall move on. Though I still don't plan to date for a good while.

I've been pretty busy at work and done some social stuff. Went to a cocktail masterclass last night, which was fun. I went pretty easy on the drinks and glad I did as I still have a headache today. Been at the bookstore and have to pop back there later. I'm out with girlfriends tomorrow night, parade on Sunday with divorce group friends and a happiness workshop Monday.

This week, the divorce workshop organisers asked if I would be willing to train as a facilitator, which I would like to do. But I've told them not just yet. I'd like our D to be finalised and some time passed before I feel confident in my own emotions to be in that role. Nice to be asked though and that will probably be an Autumn thing.

Some friends having a challenging time just now, due to bereavements, health and work troubles. Mine no longer seems to be the life in crisis and I am glad to help others now. As for H, no contact since his birthday, when I wished him a happy day - and he never responded....charming! I just shrug now

Anyway, thanks for reading and hope everyone has a fabulous Friday xxx

[job]

Sotto,
You sound very grounded and I like the fact that you are going to take the time to heal before you consider dating again.

Your social calendar is a busy one...but be sure to carve out some "me" time to rest and recharge your batteries. I do think it's a wonderful idea that you become a facilitator when you are ready. You will do well in that area.

I'm sorry to read that some of your friends are having challenging times right now. I do hope that things will get better for them. As for your h, you sent him birthday wishes and you did it from the heart. Now it's up to him to chew on that kind gesture for a while. He may not respond to you at the moment, but trust me, he will say something about it later on. I'm glad you didn't allow his silence get to you.

I hope you have a great weekend.

[Sotto]

Job, thanks so much for your post - and for your supportive presence on the forum - I so appreciate it

Just a little update. I had a busy weekend, but was a little up and down. Saturday I went for a night out with 3 girlfriends. There was much eying up of guys and TBH I didn't enjoy the evening all that much. It put me out of sorts for the next day or so. I guess I'm still a little raw about that kind of thing and it's not how I want to be spending my time just now. Still nice to be friends with them, but I'll probably stick to accepting the gentler invites for now.

So, I've been feeling a little raw as 'the end' is approaching now. I'm okay, but I've been feeling some stronger emotions and punching a few cushions lately.

I found an important document of H's in amongst mine and posted it to him. Got a brief thank you email back. It is funny - a while back I stopped using our 'pet' names for each other in emails etc. It just didn't feel right. H briefly stopped using them too - but reverted back and always uses 'his' name for me and 'my' name for him. I find it a little odd really and TBH it grates a little given all circumstances.

I received the draft financial agreement and approved it. We're awaiting a hard copy and I expect to call in to sign that any day. Once it is signed, H plans to finalise the D.

Otherwise, life carries on and I've been enjoying the early spring sunshine, new friendships and other activities.

Take care all & thanks for reading xx

[rd500]

Hi Sotto. Sorry to hear your up and down but it's to be expected with the threat of the D any time. I think you handle the sitch better than most and your grace and poise really come across in your posts. Your H is a berk and no matter how deep he is in his fog , some part of him knows what he's losing and maybe that's the reason for pet names Anyway that's way too much time given to his thinking

Stay strong and choose those social outings to suit you , plenty of time for eye candy !!!!!

Take care. Rd. xxxx

[melweb]

Sotto-- You do 'sound' strong in spite of the circumstances. I wanted to write how awesome a girls nite out must have been, as I could desperately use one, but if it's not what you want and need right now, then find something else to fill your social calendar.

H and I keep dropping the pet names too. I don't call H out on it, but he does. He'll give me a look, and say "Really?" I just shrug and say "It slipped. Its been 21 years," and go about my biz. I can see how it would annoy you tho. Rd has a good point-- maybe its the one little thread he can hang on to, cuz hes losing you fast. Idk. Who knows! ?

Hang in there girlfriend. You got this-- whatever "this" is!!

[bttrfly]

Hi Love ... I'm sorry you are feeling a bit roller coasterish ... but it's not really surprising considering how close you are to the D. You truly are such a class act my friend. Ignore the pet names. Do what you can to just breathe through it all. Love you and am here for you xoxoxo

[Pax_luv]

Hi Sotto,
Just checking in on you as I'm reading the MLC section of the board more than newcomers these days. Hope you are starting to few lighter. You are a pillar of strength and just like bttrfly mentioned above- a class act. You'll get through this. Take care!

[Sotto]

Thanks for the vote of confidence guys - it's very much appreciated. I feel a little more settled now. Just waiting to hear from the L and call in and sign the financial agreement.

Yesterday, I was pretty proud of myself. I've known for a good while that I needed to tick off STD testing. But it's not a great thing to have to do and I've been putting it off. But I also knew that I couldn't be intimate with anyone (not that I have imminent plans!) knowing that I needed to be tested. So I finally got myself there, and it was fine! I thought I might cry, but TBH the Dr I saw was in no way compassionate when I told him why I was there - and strangely that helped me. Anyway, all tested now and I hope the results are positive. I did laugh to myself driving home, thinking - well, you've not really lived until you've been to the STD clinic have you?

Other than that, I've had a good week. Been at the bookstore today and invited out for coffee tonight (girlfriend.) I'm at a craft workshop tomorrow, then Mum-sitting on Sun, but have a friend maybe calling in for coffee too.

Happy Friday all and hope this weekend is a good one. Xox

[job]

Sotto,
I'm very glad that you went in for STD testing. It's not a fun thing to do, but it was very important to know that you are okay and when you are ready to be intimate w/someone, you know that you are okay to do so.

Your weekend sounds like you may have some fun in the mix, i.e., coffee w/a gf tonight and a craft workshop tomorrow. I'm sure your mum is always happy to see you.

Enjoy your weekend!

[CaliGuy]

Sotto

Had to smile n smirk a bit, I recall the same feeling when I went to get tested... Was partly because I wasn't sure when W was with OM, and partly to quickly prove it wasn't me who gave her the gift... Looking at this I was in such a "see I didn't do it now love me" but after the results came back and I was clear it was more anger that I was out in that position. I too told the Dr why I was there and if anything for the first time in my life I felt the staff was more uncomfortable than I was and that got me through it

[isittoolate]

Hi Sotto: Just read your last months posts. I can see your a little up and down but overall the rollercoaster is going up not down.:)


I have posted an update and will be starting the DRW on 12th April? Looking forward to it. Might see you there?

xx

[isittoolate]

PS I joined the SPTC - which is great - Im going on a weekend away in May with 40 other single parents and kids!....mostly women btw

[Sotto]

Hi Isit, thanks for dropping by & good for you with the weekend in May. If I had kids, I'd join that myself and I'll mention it to my DRW chums. Yes, I'm on the drinks rota for some nights, so I'll see you there.

Not much news from me. Busy at work & seeing the L tomorrow to sign finance papers. Some nice social plans over the Easter weekend.

Take care

[Sotto]

Hi all, just dropping in to say I called in to see the L this morning and signed the financial agreement. It will now be posted to H's L for him to sign and then on to court for a rubber stamp. My L said that H may apply to finalise the D as the agreement goes to court, or may wait until it's back - so I'm not really sure how soon the D will be final, but that's okay.

I'm a bit up and down. I've had a hectic week at work and when you feel tired, you tend to feel worse I think. I'm better when more rested and with nice social plans. I'm looking forward to a break over Easter and of course I have GAL plans. I'm selling my car ATM and have someone coming to see it. I really hope they buy as I pick up my new car this week - it's my D present to myself and I'm looking forward to it!

Take care all xx

[job]

Sotto,
You will have ups and downs for a while. I'm sorry that things are still up in the air a bit as to when the D will be finalized, but I think you are handling everything w/grace and dignity.

A new car? What better present to give yourself after a D! I purchased a set of diamond earrings when my D was completed. I hope that that the person coming by today will purchase your old car.

Please take care of yourself and you are correct, when you are tired and run down, everything gets to you.

BTW, it's time to start a new thread.

[rd500]

Hi Sotto , being tired does make it all that much harder. Glad to see you have a weekend of fun coming up and a new car , excellent , all the very best with it and many happy , safe miles

Take care. Rd. xx

[bttrfly]

Hugs to you and sending happy wishes for safe travels in the new car and a speedy sale to the old one xoxoxoxo

[Sotto]

Thanks Guys for your kind comments.

Here's a link to my new thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2664784&#Post2664784