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Thanks Bttrfly, yes I'm doing okay. Been working away and still not in 100% health, but chugging along. Had a lovely night out with my divorce group chums last night. Eight or so of them are keen to keep in touch and more social events are being planned. I'm off today and going to catch up on some jobs, then yoga tomorrow. On Thursday night, I have a pamper session with my ladies group - all pretty pleasant and busy.

Zero contact from H or L's or anyone. I'm just sitting back on that and carrying on with my own stuff - time will tell how this will unfold. It's at times like this (when I can sit back) that I realise I have come a long way.

Hope you are all having a lovely week xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Sotto,

First, my hugs to you.
((((((( Sotto)))))))
It's a difficult time and all I can say is for you to keep doing what you do best... all your GAL.

There's no simple way to get out of the YoYo feeling. All the questions that arise and have no answers. The agony of living it through.

Sometimes, I wish there was an amnesia pill that would erase all my memories and I could go sometime without this up and down battle of emotions.

By other hand I came a long way to see that somethings do turn around and time is the one to tell how much it does.

For me, it is still quite difficult to move forward and keep some hope at the same time. But, right now there is nothing I can do different, so it is what it is.

There will be a time that may come your turn perhaps to ask for a closure talk. You deserve this and your dope H will be in front of you to face his own demons.

Maybe to just remind him that he just run away from his issues instead of face them. And maybe to remind him why he fell for you in the first place. Only life will tell.

I challenge myself with the denial issue too. I pretty much go back and forth on that. But then, there so much stories online and real life about people that after years decide to give another try. Would be so good to have some crystal ball to tell us what is store in the future.

I met an older lady other day at a shoe store that told me she tried all what she could to save her marriage, then she got divorced and tried all what she could to get back with her XH.

Slowly she finally let go and start thinking she had become an old bitter divorcee in denial. It was then that she met someone else.

She said with a big smile that she found gold. That this gentleman is everything to her and treats her like a princess. She said that she is happier now then she could ever image at her age.

They travel together, enjoy each other, she said their R is an eternal honeymoon because they are not worry about tomorrow. They live today and are happy for the time they can spend together.

It was nice to hear that. Sometimes I really ask myself if getting back with XH is the right thing for my true happiness. After all what happen, is there a real chance to heal the wounds and start anew?

Maybe it's just a perspective that people with our values have inside themselves. In this forum we see people with very high morals and maybe it is the reason we are here.

We are not joking around using other people, instead we want to learn to be better, understand better.

With the changes in your own being and the changes in your life, there will also be a change of attraction. Your H is right now one among others that can have a place in your heart. Maybe the real love is still to come and there was a reason you (we) need to walk this path.

Don't lose site of your own worthy. You are a great simple genuine person with high values and morals. Sometimes the garbage in our lives is not really ours.

I admire you, alone facing the world and the realities that even hurt. Sometimes I wonder if maybe, just maybe, we deserve someone better then the man we cry for.

You are doing it all with your head tall and the next person in your life will be very lucky to have you (maybe your H) after all you have learned here.

Love you with all my heart and keep you close everyday.

XOXO
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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Pink,
That was a beautiful posting.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Pink, thank you so much for your lovely post. I think you really captured so many of the feelings, dilemmas and possible outcomes. It is all rather unknown at the moment and I am trying to keep both the 'heal and move on' plus 'door open a crack' plates spinning. Time will tell and I have realised that we always need to consider the long term view in all that we do. As always it was lovely to hear from you (my 'over the pond' sis..)

Well, everything happened today. I got an email from H, plus a proposed settlement from the L. Email from H was all about admin and house stuff & extremely pleasant - saying how he especially appreciated a particular thing I had done etc. The settlement proposal was a little lower than expected with no rationale for being so. I reviewed all the figures from our disclosures and sent my L a revised proposal with rationale. All I did was look at our total assets, minus what we each came in with and 50% split the rest. This was what H had originally done and I'm not sure why this proposal was different. Anyway, I did it and despatched it - feeling calm and centred.

I replied to H's email, sending him a pic of me and my Mum as we had a celebration for her today. This is a departure for me as I've done nothing like that since we S. Of course, I am looking especially nice in the photo!! I find I can send things like this nowadays & stay very even emotionally. I just think - doh, I'll send it!

Tonight, I'm off to a pamper evening with my ladies social group. I'm having a make-up consultation for my 'treatment.' All proceeds go to charity and we've been asked to bring along a bag of essentials that will be donated to a domestic violence centre. Had a nice time out with the divorce group chums this week. I sat next to one of the guys and we had a long chat. It felt nice, and (whilst I'm not dating during 2016) I can see a positive future where I would enjoy some male company and dating etc. In fact, I think I'll be a much more confident me this time around!!

I'm in charge at the bookstore tomorrow, so it will be a busy one.. Take care all xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Sotto,

I hear you on the "heal and move on" and "door open a crack" spinning plates. In reflecting my own situation, I had these two plates spinning for a while until one day I just realized that the "door open a crack" plate cracked (pun intended) has it already fallen on the floor.

Interesting how time heals and then parts of your life just falls away by the wayside. Right now, I have three spinning plates of three really hot ladies. My dilemma is which one is the one I really want to be with. Ah...choices, choices.

Such is life. cool

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Wonka - you're incorrigible! grin

Well, yesterday did unsettle me a little. It was another time when I stood up for my interests in the settlement. H had originally proposed a formula for us to use. Total assets, minus we each get what we came in with and all else split 50/50. I agreed this was fair, subject to financial disclosures. The settlement offer that then came was for less than this, and so I reviewed the figures and adjusted them based on the original formula from H.

The thing is, I feel a bit bad about it because I don't really 'need' that extra money. H is in an incredibly expensive area and will probably need a mortgage to get a reasonable flat. My area is much cheaper and I would be able to comfortably buy a house outright. So, I guess I struggle with 'fairness' (original agreed formula) and 'am I just being grasping?'

I'm not going to do anything different - I already contacted the L - but I have been feeling a little bad about it. H will be 'worse off' than me, given the massive cost of property in his area. He does earn a six figure salary, so he probably won't suffer too much - but his industry is a bit depressed ATM, and losing his job is a possibility. Anyway, what's done is done now and I'll wait to hear from the L. I think it's one of those 'no-win' situations where I probably wouldn't have felt entirely happy with either choice.

Today I needed to get some pent up energy out and I went at the books like a woman posessed. Worked really hard all day and feel somewhat released now. I got a short email back from H in response to my photo - just saying thanks for sending, Mum looks well and he loves my hair smile

Anyway, that's it from me - quiet night in tonight with a glass of wine. Take care all xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Sotto,

Interesting you feel this way about assets and the division of it. I guess in my situation I was looking after my children's interests and not only mine, so it was easy to focus on my rights only.

I believe what is yours is yours and period. Your H made his choices and needs to live with the consequences. Maybe you can look at this looking at things from his perspective.

"Oh gosh! what hell did I do? I didn't just ruined my M, my R, someone else's life and M, R... but I also ruined my financial situation. Is this the end of me? Oh, maybe not, I feel like I can make some more mistakes until the S**t hit the fan. Somehow my quest to hit the bottom is going well, once I get there, then I can do some growing up and realize what an idiot I have been"

IMHO, I would let him be. Sometimes not having it, makes us think: Why?

Just be in peace with yourself that you are not robbing him or taking anything that is not yours.

Love,
Pink


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D:8/5/2015



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Darlin I know what you mean, but ...
BIG BIG BUT here

This is business. You have absolutely NO idea what the future holds for you or what your future financial needs will be. My lawyer said something interesting in our first meeting: the spouse who started the divorce should wind up a little less off than the lbs. no one wins everything but that is how the court usually goes here in the states anyway.

H wanted this, why should you foot the bill?

Take care of yourself first. The rest will fall into place.

Hope I haven't overstepped.

sending {{{hugs}}} and much love


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Sotto,
I agree w/Pink and bttrfly. Divorce is business and you know what? He probably wouldn't feel the same way about you had you wanted the divorce. Being fair in settlement doesn't mean that you take less. It means that you ask for what is rightfully yours because you do not know what the future holds for you financially.

It's true, no one wins in divorce, but at least you will get what is truly a fair deal at the end of the day. Please don't feel sorry for him, he is the one that wanted out and trust me, he may have some difficult days along the way, but he's going to be okay...he's a big boy and he'll figure it out.

The most important person to take care of right now is YOU! Everything else will fall into place when the time is right.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Sotto, as others have said you never know what the future holds. You could meet someone and decide you want to travel the world. .... you are being more than fair.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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