So it does not look like I will have time today to get something worth while typed up.
My issues over the last few months have been frustration with myself over my patience. Really that is what it comes down to.
That has created some anger and I have been trying to keep clear of the resentment by just letting things go. It has been exacerbated by the fact that I find myself at times waiting for things to get better rather than doing my thing...THAT IS ALL ON ME and really frustrating.
Patience; if that is the virtue I gain from all of this, above all others, than I will be a better man for it.
BTW, has any of you awesome folks read Ghosts in the Bedroom. it has been recommended and I was wondering if this info has been looked at before on this site. I will be honest, the folks at the spouses of survivors site are much more doom & gloom than here, not saying it is a happy topic, just that there are so few success stories over there it is hard to get a really good read on certain materials.
Success is about thriving. To me repairing an M is one of the pinnacles of success here. In some cases it takes years.
But consider the successes that are here, to me there is Joe who became a wonderful dad to his kids, Edz whose greatest achievement was his R with his son, HPoriot repairin his R with his dad and forging a deep bond with his son, Pigpen Fogg and Mutatio with sobriety and personal growth, Dawn with her peaceful new life with Molly, Greengrass who has forged a great R with a new bf, Schermann and Zelda who survived considerable abuse to become super successful.......
There are so many stories of success, so many that Mozza created a whole nest of them. We all have our favourites, Little who found peace, Di-Mond who over came hoarding of others burdens, there are so many.
It takes time, it doesn't happen overnight. To a certain extent the boards are a reflection of the underlying ethos of the founder and the drive of the more experienced posters. The mods do a great job and the vets Sandi, Wonka, 25, Cadet MrBond do a phenonomal job.
I think the bulk of the mood is governed by the peers with 1,000 to 7,000 posts. Newcomers is the hardest really as there is so much distress and this is usually the starting point before transitioning to other open forums. It is helpful too to have Cadets introductory posts as all newbies receive the same useful and mind opening information.
At first I believe we see repair of our M as the only success standard. It isn't so, there are as many successes as there are posters. Even providing comfort in dark hours is a success, not to be under rated or under valued.
I think without this board as one of my resources I doubt if I would even be thinking of thriving. Let alone moving forward with those goals. Being a work in progress in some sitches is a success, to me success is a journey not a destination.
I see so much success here, it is inspiring to be part of it. As the grateful recipient of support, it is a great pleasure and humility to me that others allow me to be part of that journey.
You too are a success if you chose to see it that way, I have seen much shift of late in you. That dear brave one is success.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am curious to know why you often hold back on your posts.You take the time to write but then delete them. Deleting posts on other people's threads because you feel they are tainted by your own emotions is understandable.
But on your own thread such posts will help you evacuate some of the shjt that builds up. You know you are amongst peers and won't be judged. Maybe it is the old you who is determined to do it alone. Plusyour first thoughts often give better insight to what is actually going on in your head, so could provide clues to those trying to help.
You don't need to reply to that. It is just food for thought
I'll also remind you of a Cadet basic: you did not break her, you cannot fix her. This is so very true for your wife. I'll leave more atuned posters talk about the specifics. But ultimately she will have to want to fix her issues.
The frustration is normal. But you answered it yourself. What can you do to change your focus and bring it back to YOU?I will tell you something you know is true but we all could do with being reminded from time to time. Whatever you put your focus on is what you get more of. So if you focus on problems, you get problems. You focus on negative thoughts you get more.
It is good to inform yourself about what you ate facing or more correctly what your wife is going through and why. Knowledge is power and can help determine the best course of action. BUT dwell too much on it and it'll bring you down. I am not saying drop it but it should not be your main focus.
Write a list of everything you are grateful for.Take time and do a great big list. Include W/R stuff but also everything else. Then daily take a few minutes to focus on stuff that day you are grateful for. If appropriate show appreciation where possible. A simple thank you or more. This helps to think more positively.
GAL I don't need to mention, but what have you tried new lately? Early on you were inspirational with your GAL activities and always trying something new, even new meals etc. Maybe you still do that.If not put on your thinking cap.
Go finish your basement.That will make you proud once achieved. Wish I could give you a hand but I have a bathroom and other slow projects to finish myself.
Best of luck mate.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I am curious to know why you often hold back on your posts.You take the time to write but then delete them. Deleting posts on other people's threads because you feel they are tainted by your own emotions is understandable.
But on your own thread such posts will help you evacuate some of the shjt that builds up. You know you are amongst peers and won't be judged. Maybe it is the old you who is determined to do it alone. Plusyour first thoughts often give better insight to what is actually going on in your head, so could provide clues to those trying to help.
Most of the time, i type out incoherent thoughts or illogical bullshit that i see right through once I’ve typed it all out. There are plenty of moments where I am just so frustrated with myself, and this marriage that my thoughts are confusing to me. So yes roiste, i am able to get it out and on paper and can see how those thoughts are affecting my behavior. It woukd be the same as writing a letter to someone and never sending it. I then delete things and put to thought.
And of course, there is a piece of rational for deleting things, that is me not allowing myself to show weakness...not asking for help, not going to pretend otherwise. I get stuck sometimes and just need to type. Just want to scream. Truth be told, there are also times that I feel a bit ashamed of myself for being a winey person. I see all of the pain here and I realize before I hit post, that my struggle pales compared to some of the other trials that I read and am quite ashamed that I am not managing as well as I should, or doing a good enough job DB’ing as I should be by now.
{A good example, was what I deleted the other day: I was frustrated with my sitch. We went out on Friday night with a bunch of other parents. We went to new local brewery to socialize (YAY) they over to a bar for some live music. I was frustrated because it took an hour to get my wife onto the dance floor with me, so I danced with all of the ladies who were trying to get their husbands out there (to no avail) instead. There was nothing funny going on, or inappropriate, just good old fashioned dancing. Finally wife did come out there and dance for a decent amount of time. After the fact, It kinda felt as if she was marking her territory rather than trying to enjoy herself with me. Once we left there was no closeness at all. Got home and bed. So Saturday I typed up this rant about how often I see this sort of thing, where spouses are virtually begging for attention from their significant other and basically being ignored. How often this goes on and how often I try to do for my wife to meet her needs, how damned painful it is. I was out on Saturday night taking my sons to a school skating function and took another kid with me. I go to drop him off and his mom is basically clamoring to talk to another person, her husband is out to ‘an all-night bachelor party’ and she is all talkative and almost imposing herself between me and the door. I got the phuck out of there as fast as I could. I won’t be another woman’s shoulder to cry on, nor get in the middle of anything like that. Marriage should not be so damned one sided.
So here I was, bitching that my wife joined me to go drinking and dancing and overall having a good time (really, it was a great time…she later admitted many times she enjoyed herself ‘too much’ cause her legs were sore from all the ‘fun dancing’) Me mindreading about something like that was pretty ignorant. Truth is she doesn’t like dancing cause she is not good at it and feels self-conscious. I am TERRIBLE at dancing and could care less what other think, so I don’t put myself in her shoes before I thought about it. Then I went on to complain about sh!t that is obvious to everyone here…preaching to the choir. Also, it felt kind of self-righteous. So I deleted the thread before I hit the post button.}
Those are big reasons why I’ve deleted posts. Maybe this is not the best way to handle things. I do get them off my chest.
You don't need to reply to that. It is just food for thought
I'll also remind you of a Cadet basic: you did not break her, you cannot fix her. This is so very true for your wife. I'll leave more atuned posters talk about the specifics. But ultimately she will have to want to fix her issues.
The frustration is normal. But you answered it yourself. What can you do to change your focus and bring it back to YOU?I will tell you something you know is true but we all could do with being reminded from time to time. Whatever you put your focus on is what you get more of. So if you focus on problems, you get problems. You focus on negative thoughts you get more.
It is good to inform yourself about what you ate facing or more correctly what your wife is going through and why. Knowledge is power and can help determine the best course of action. BUT dwell too much on it and it'll bring you down. I am not saying drop it but it should not be your main focus.
There is so much that I need to learn about still. There just are not that many places that discuss this topic, Childhood Sexual Abuse, let alone the affects it has on the spouses of the survivors. I have to keep looking (yes I pick at scabs too).
I cannot force my wife to go to treatment. Certainly though I can work on understanding what sorts of physical and emotional scars are there and how to avoid triggers for future. There are so many of these husbands for instance that are treated as rapists by their wives, as if they were the men who abused them all those years before. We have certainly seen this here, where wives have actually accused their husbands of such violations, unjustly. Obviously we are seeing only a single side of the story here, but the commonality is just too large to just ignore it outright as a possibility that is what is going on. I am trying to understand, as we would MLC behavior, some of the issues a Spouse of Abuse Survivor might face.
Write a list of everything you are grateful for. Take time and do a great big list. Include W/R stuff but also everything else. Then daily take a few minutes to focus on stuff that day you are grateful for. If appropriate show appreciation where possible. A simple thank you or more. This helps to think more positively.
The gratitude journal is a great way to get a nice perspective of things. I’ve even worked with my children with a similar tool. Gratitude and victories to help with self-confidence and awareness that they are truly wonderful!
I even, before bed most nights go back and forth with wife with thank-you’s and gratefuls. She does this willingly and often times starts out. I love the feeling of being appreciated, who doesn’t. is this emotion derived from vanity or is it part of who we are. Maybe a different topic for a different day.
GAL I don't need to mention, but what have you tried new lately? Early on you were inspirational with your GAL activities and always trying something new, even new meals etc. Maybe you still do that. If not put on your thinking cap.
My GAL has slowed. I am still trying to maintain some semblance of ‘adventure’ with new things. It may not be every week, but a few times a month is a minimum. I have also slowed on my gym – exercise since we were all sick / under the weather & over booked with sports, clubs and activities with the kids for a couple of weeks and it has been hard ramping things back up.
I am planning on going swimming tonight after my first Community Engagement Meeting with the school district. It is the first presentation to the community that we have been working on for the School Board Facilities things I've been going to meeting for. Fingers crossed.
Wednesday is Wrestling meet for both boys, Thursday is boy's soccer game and then gym visit. I have a gaming group coming over on Friday and I have another on Saturday after the boy’s science club outing that I volunteered for. I am going to go shooting with some guys on Sunday…so I hope that will help putting things back into a little better groove...re-energizing my GAL schedule 
Go finish your basement. That will make you proud once achieved. Wish I could give you a hand but I have a bathroom and other slow projects to finish myself.
Best of luck mate.
Roiste, THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP!
It does seem like when I do get into a funk or a rutt, I am not help to anyone so I don't post. I apologize to all of you for that. I need to right my ship here and get back to a better heading...spring is coming!!!
Hi V, you have a way of putting things like none ive ever met. Deprive you of me? I get what you are getting at, just never thought of it like that. I am not all that used to people wanting me around...most times i feel rather invisible on message boards, especially sports and games. Same as when i was younger, never part of the crowd sort of thing.
That is a pretty deep sentiment to me...THANK YOU!!!
Hey Z, there are a few of us here who have felt like you do about the being invisible. Don't ever let that feeling stop you from putting your stuff out here on this board. There will alwway be someone who hears you, felt the same or wants to offer some love and support to someone because they just do.
I am an incrediably shy person and worry that my level of crazy alienates people. But you know those who get me, get me. So happy with that.
Totally agree with V. Miss seeing your updates, but totally get raking time off here and there. I will say that my mind tends to go down stupid paths more when I stop posting.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
