Sandinista better to answer this than me probably. You can't force her to talk to you so you can listen and validate. She has to choose to talk. At which point you use the skills you have been learning. Taking her crap. That's where your tools come in. Stay calm. If she gets angry walk away and say we can talk when we are reasonable. As for her actions. Again you can't control what she does. All you can control is if and how you let it effect you.
Sandi I have a question. Your sitch you described. Your husbands actions which lead to your resentment sounds exactly like myself. Did your H recognize his faults and address them. If so what tools did he use to change?
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
We don't talk, hardly acknowledge each other and I am struggling on how to validate anything when she won't communicate. She refused all counselling. How do I not take her crap ? just by not rising to it? Do I remain projectedly cheerful ?
If she won't talk, then forget about validation. At this point, it is self-perservation. If you don't want to project cheerfulness, then don't. Don't do what is not working for you. Stop considering her feelings, moods, and words. She wanted a divorce, so show her how it will look! Stop treating her as if she's your W.
If she says something disrespectful, call her out about it. Use a very firm voice (not yelling, no threathening, just firm and in control) and tell her to go stay somewhere else, that her unattractive ways are not appreciated in your home. She doesn't get a free ride on your ticket and disrespect you in the meantime. Don't stand there like a dummy while she dumps sh't on you. Leave! Don't get whiny or b'tchy, be a man about it.
I am not encouraging you to get into a fight. I am trying to encourage you to stand up for yourself. You do not have to take this treatment.
Don't be afraid of her anger. Don't fear her moods. What more can she do that she hasn't already done to you emotionally? Many, perhaps even most, WW's are bullys. Just like a schoolyard bully, they won't stop until you show them you aren't afraid of them. If she starts to get violent, call the cops. Otherwise, hold your ground and remain calm and strong. When a WW sees she cannot manipulate, control, backdown, or upset her LBH and he remains in control of his life and maintains his inner strength and manhood........she respects it. She may never tell him.......but she respects it.
Do not argue with her. You make non-negotiable statements and don't ask for her opinion or how she feels about anything. You cannot be a friend with her. Why would want to be friends with anyone who treats you this way?
It saddens me when you say you don't know how not to take her cr@p. I see so many guys like you and the horrible women they M. You must walk tall, with shoulders back and have an attitude of decisiveness and confidence. This is very important. You are a prize that some woman out there would love to win.
Stop trying to please your WW. Stop trying to win her. Leave her alone and start living a life without her now. Don't wait till she moves out, do it now. If she questions you about your activities, tell her nothing! She no longer has the right to know about your personal business and life. Don't ask her anything that doesn't concern the kids. Act as if you are over her. You're so done with her. If she gives you lip about anything, tell her to get out. Stop giving her money and/or doing anything for her. Play hardball. Tell her you don't want her there.
This may sound shocking and far from what you consider DBing. I am just trying to give you an idea how to deal with a disrespectful woman. At this point, you will not get her back with the usual nice-guy ways. It simply won't work. Stop feeling disparate, and stop being afraid.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi I have a question. Your sitch you described. Your husbands actions which lead to your resentment sounds exactly like myself. Did your H recognize his faults and address them. If so what tools did he use to change?
I have had lots of LBH'S to ask me similar questions. It was a little different in my case in that I was the one coming here, yet I was the WS, not my H. Very few posters have fallen into that category on the DB board. I was the one getting the tools, not him. The person who comes to the board is usually the one who has to step up and use the tools to get the MR back on track. If the other S is ready to do what is necessary to save the M, then they can get the tools. If you will notice, the DR book is focused on the one who wants to save the M. When I first arrived, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I quickly learned that the majority here had no clue about the mindset of a WW. There were two women who were my god-sent counselors that really helped me in the beginning. And of course, I learned so much from the LBH'S and the pain they experienced. It really helped me to know how my own H was hurt and the betrayal he felt. My H doesn't have conversations with me, so I never know what he's thinking or how he's feeling.
I asked my H to go with me and get MC, but he refused. If he sought out any new tools, I never knew it. The whole experience did seem to change him, and it was tough for both of us. Shortly after we R, his health took a turn for the worse, and that ushered in a new phase of our lives with new problems. I know we are going to be together from now on. I also know what to do and not do to prevent myself from getting off into an unhealthy area again.
Wish I could have given you what you were looking for.........but nope, he wasn't the one using DB tools.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It did help Sandi. Not a direct answer made me think tho that though I feel I need to change that aspect of myself for me and my well being. If R is ever to work she also has to accept me for me. That comes down to action not words
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
How do you begin the process of forgiveness when you are unsure what it is you are forgiving ? WAW's affair, and the speed in which the D was filed and petitioned,the refusal to go to MC or even talk about it has been so odd. For me, despite all the lies and underhandedness that goes with what has happened, I currently feel the biggest betrayal is the way our 15 years together and all we have gone through, many IVF's, etc. has all been belittled and its value reduced. This makes me so sad. my WAW has not shed a single tear, shown an ounce or remorse or any uncertainty of her actions since BD. This has made me feel more worthless than the affair itself. Phrases like ' I will never forgive you for this' keep resounding around in my head and I am struggling to stop it. 4 or 5 months ago she 'wanted to be friends' which I did, but I have been tricked and lied to about mediation, solicitors, house sales to name a few, that I don't currently want her as a friend as she is horrible and to be honest I don't really know who she is. She is like a familiar stranger. She was her 'normal' self I knew over the holidays, relaxed, happy and we had a great time but now it is back to not even saying hello, petty stuff like washing her cup up, leaving mine, buying her own toilet rolls despite me having done the shopping and so on.
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
How do people deal with the love hate, up and down that keeps happening ? I am detaching slowly, dropped the rope but picked it up a few times when I thought the little signs were there for the M but during detaching, I feel a lot of hostility and I know I am very cold and offish towards her, especially the pettiness and actions, for one example, moving all my tea mugs onto a separate shelf to hers etc. I cant seem to shift away from these feelings...
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
How do people deal with the love hate, up and down that keeps happening ?
Originally Posted By: keefa
I am detaching slowly
I would say if you are doing the first - the love/hate/love/hate - then you still need to keep practicing the second.
Originally Posted By: keefa
but during detaching, I feel a lot of hostility and I know I am very cold and offish towards her, especially the pettiness and actions, for one example, moving all my tea mugs onto a separate shelf to hers etc. I cant seem to shift away from these feelings...
So what are you going to do to try to shift these feelings? Youre really getting bent out of shape about tea mugs? Just think "oh, that wacky W" and let it go. Why get upset over that - its a ridiculous action.
But not dwelling on these little things, you lose that "edge" that changes you from indifference to cold.
I Don't know. The house is looking more and more bare as she ships stuff to her new house. I don't care about the trivial stuff but I can't seem to find away of shifting this anger at her for the betrayal and the lies. 7 months and we've never once talked about her affair or why she filed so quickly. I feel like I have so much I want to say to her, to make her understand, but I know this is counter productive. I have periods of being the better version of me, usually when I am out with my boys, even at work. I can't seem to GAL as every moment I am not at work I want to be with my sons as it feels like my time with them as a father is ticking away by the day. I get them to bed 8pm every night and I am in bed straight after. I spend weekends dong a mix of house hold chores and going out with them, WAW sleeps in another room and has done since BD.
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
