Hi everyone. bomb shell for me was 4th July. We are seperated, in the same house. it has been terse the last 6 months except a fab christmas which went back to being frosty on new years eve.
Was a bomb shell for me and I have been trying to follow all the advice I can. I have GAL, detached etc.
I have 2 boys 5 and 9 and they are happy, well adjusted and we have a fantastic relationship. W wants to move and take them with her. She says they are only happy if mummy is happy which hurts and me and my boys giggle constantly when we are together. We live in a beautiful house, but w wants to move to a small 2 up 2 down. 1 month into the separation, I found naked pictures of her and another man. She has denied a full blown affair and denied doing anything wrong. All of our relationship this would have been a total no no and smashes our historical boundries. 1 week after separation I find she had already drawn draft divorce papers and tried to sell the house without me knowing. She has constantly and continuously lied to me about many things, posted nasty, hurtful and untrue comments on social media. She has no family of her own, and a few close friends of a couple of years. I have written to her a few times, no begging but laying out my boundaries as I see them. She will not talk or listen. She has accused me on Facebook of narsassism but says she has done nothing wrong. 12 months ago she said she was really enjoying 'us'. I have read many times about W being replaced with an alien. Never was this more true ! I have attended 10 relate sessions alone and 8 couple therapy sessions alone. She attended one session to 'give her side of the story'. At Christmas we cuddled and she told me she missed my cuddles so much. It was like having my wife back. We make each other cups of tea but thats it at the moment. Our boys are fine but she continually uses them as a weapon for me to move out. I will not abandon my boys. There has never been abuse, drink problems, drugs or anything like that. I have asked her for as long as I can remember to go out on dates spend time together etc but my needs have not been met. for the last 6 months we have been going out weekends for days as a 'family'. Zoo, cinema and so on. My therapist says all the signs are there that she wants out. I am not an arrogant man but I don't buy this. Something is happening. Her periods have been fluctuating, some hair loss and so on and it is hard not to read into this. She will not communicate with me except to get pissy and show me how much she hates me.
I need help in working out what to do. Do I ignore my therapist expert and go with my gut, continue living my life and to be there if she needs me or do i let go gracefully knowing in my heart there was something else acting on her decisions. Be it another man, pre-menopause or what ever.
I love my wife of 15 years, 7 rounds of IVF, miscarriage and so on, I can't understand how it all becomes so meaningless.
She says she wants to be friend but then will do all those things that make divorce as acrimonious is hell. I have seen a solicitor and was served my divorce papers a week before Christmas despite our mutual promise at the mediators that we weren't going to do anything until after the holidays for the sake of the boys. I am either at work or in 'my room' and this is my life. please. I need help.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/13/1609:45 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
You can't believe any of what she says and only 1/2 of what she does because you are right, she has been replaced by an alien. Be the best Keefa and Dad that only a fool would leave. What did the solicitor say when you mentioned that your wife wants to move and take the boys with her?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Hi Keefa, I'm no expert or vet. Just wanted to say sorry you're here in this terrible club. About the hair loss/periods - there may be many causes, but one most likely one is: stress. Whatever she is doing is causing great stress - guilt and secrecy do that to a person. It can cause other health problems too. If she's had IVF then she's probably been bombarded with hormones - another terrible thing.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply. Isn't it just so so sad that a common theme runs through so many of these stories ?
I am trying so hard to do the rules but at the moment I just feel so much anger and resentment inside, like I have not only been betrayed with her EA but my whole relationship has been belittled and de-valued. I cannot find the strength inside me to be 'friends' with her. I love her but I do not like who she is. I know I am being very stand offish. I don't know how to stop this feeling. I would so so much appreciate any suggestions
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
Hi Keefa, welcome to the community. Your W sounds very familiar, sorry to say. I think more will come to light about her activities with this man she is sending naked pictures to, and I think it's been going on before the bomb dropped.
What are the ages of you and W?
I suggest you read the links that Cadet posted, ASAP. Ask questions as they come to mind. You have a lot of information ahead of you. I hope you can post every day.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I cannot find the strength inside me to be 'friends' with her.
Don't worry about being her friend, at the moment. You are more concerned about saving the MR than being in a friendship. All WW's say they want to remain friends.
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I love her but I do not like who she is.
B/c she isn't the girl you married. She has seriously changed and you will not see that gal until she comes out the other side.
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I know I am being very stand offish. I don't know how to stop this feeling.
You have been betrayed, slandered, and told lies by your W. You have a right to feel angry. Allow yourself to just feel the emotions and give yourself some time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you. Have been reading all day on here and am half way through the book. I am still confused on how to act with the constant display of nastiness I get at home. I have got my divorce petition and it is starting to become very messy and acrimonious which I feel is because I will not jump to her ( or her solicitors commands). She is actively looking to move out and take our boys away from their family home which I feel is detrimental to their lives. My relationship with my children is nothing but games and tickles and laughs, homework and more chasing and just smiles all the time I am with them. W has told me even her estate agent cannot believe I have not had the balls to move out myself. This is so hurtful I want to scream. I cannot bring myself to be in the same room as her. I am reading the links but how do I act ? Do I pretend her comments dont hurt ? Do I just let her take my boys and start her new life just like that ? Last night she re-organised our mug shelf, moving all mine to 1 shelf and hers to another. How do I live with this kind of behaviour ? Do I just go quite and pretend she doesn't exist ? This to me will only prove to her self she is doing the right thing in divorcing me. Lastly, the speed in which the draft petition came through after separation is bizarre. is it normal for a draft divorce to come through within a couple of weeks ? It seems like she has made her mind up and nothing I can do will even buy us some breathing space or a moment to pause and reflect . It all seems pointless.
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
I cannot bring myself to be in the same room as her. I am reading the links but how do I act ? Do I pretend her comments dont hurt ?
No, you don't have to pretend anything. I would say she is making nasty comments to intentionally cause you emotional pain. If you can't mask the pain, then remove yourself from her presence.
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Do I just let her take my boys and start her new life just like that ?
No, you fight for your kids. That's why you need legal repensentation. Release her to do whatever she wants........except have full custody of your children.
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Last night she re-organised our mug shelf, moving all mine to 1 shelf and hers to another. How do I live with this kind of behaviour ?
That's just silly and very immature behavior on her part. She obviously is set on inflicting you any way she can. When she does something stupid like this, just shake your head as if she's losing her mind, and walk away. MWD says to choose your battles wisely. This is an example of a battle field not worth entering.
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Do I just go quite and pretend she doesn't exist ? This to me will only prove to her self she is doing the right thing in divorcing me.
What do you care what it proves to her? Stop focusing on her. There is nothing you can do to change her. She has to make that choice. She will think how she wants to think about you, proof or no proof. You could be a saint and a WW will find fault with you.
It is very obvious that your WW has lost all respect for you. She won't change her mind until she learns to respect you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
