Hi mowgli, wondering if you have any more updates for us? Do you and w live under the same roof?
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
Hi. I literally haven't visited this site since my last post. I needed a break because my mind wasn't letting me let go of things in a healthy way.
Being cheated on changes you. It shatters your world and at the same time opens you up to the world and everything it offers.
W and I are still together and still in a good place. our M is full of communication and understanding. We are no longer in counseling, and we no longer talk about the A. We don't need to because we have dealt with those feelings already.
Do I still think about it? honestly, I think about it every day. It's been almost a year since I found out and yes, I still give it head space, but it doesn't make me angry anymore; It doesn't hurt me anymore. It was something that we had to get past to make our M work.
What I really concentrate on now is how I respond and what I respond to with W when there are disagreements.
W has high anxiety. She doesn't deal with change very well. Her life growing up was constantly trying to live up to an unattainable expectation set by one of her parents. When they visit, or plan to visit, her anxiety meter goes crazy for days leading up to it. She gets stressed and she lashes out.
In the past, I would succumb to this and I would become the "emotional punching bag" because I thought that's what she needed and that I was a safe person to do that with, but it created an imbalance in our relationship. She didn't value me because I never really challenged her on what she would say to me in those moments.
I have learned to stand up for myself and it's made all the difference in the world. Not that I'm never wrong, mind you, just that I know when things are getting out of perspective.
We had a huge fight last night and it was because she was trying to "keep score." That was how a lot of our relationship went before the A and I'm not going back to that.
It was about dishes and them getting done. We had just had a 20+ person party the night before and she was impatient about dishes being in the sink. Dishes are my job and she wanted them done faster I guess, so she did them. then she tried to put it back on me saying that she's doing my jobs and that was a huge trigger for me.
we ended up fighting about the dishes and she started getting a little crazy, so I took a time out and re-grouped. It wasn't the dishes that bothered me, it was the score keeping. Like I said earlier, I'm not going back to that. She never has to do those things that are my responsibility and if she is choosing to, that's not on me and I will not be made to feel guilty about them.
I'm also not willing to sit there and go over everything else I'v done that day, week ect. to defend myself to her. I don't need to do that and I'm not willing to do it. I don't keep score with her, don't count how many time I do things for her etc. because takes away from the partnership aspect of the R.
This happens in so many Rs and Ms. People want to keep score and say "well I'm doing X and they're not doing X." it creates resentment on both sides and created un-needed competition.
She had a stressful week. She felt anxious about a bunch of stuff at work and family visiting the day before.
I held my own. and I stayed strong. Things worked themselves out.
Piecing isn't all "sunshine and roses." piecing doesn't mean you'll never have a disagreement again. Relationships are hard. We don't fight often, but when we do I now have the confidence to stand up for myself and say "hey! I don't deserve that!"
Do I still think about it? honestly, I think about it every day. It's been almost a year since I found out and yes, I still give it head space, but it doesn't make me angry anymore; It doesn't hurt me anymore. It was something that we had to get past to make our M work.
It doesn't sound like you actually got past it if you think about it every day. IF it doesn't hurt, or make you angry, what is it doing to you? Worry, fear? I'm not sure you're over it.
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Piecing isn't all "sunshine and roses." piecing doesn't mean you'll never have a disagreement again. Relationships are hard. We don't fight often, but when we do I now have the confidence to stand up for myself and say "hey! I don't deserve that!"
You are absolutely correct, I am still piecing, and always will be.
Did you actually mention the score keeping part of it, have you suggested that might be something to work on? You know in an inteliigent way that won't cause a fight?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
We did talk about the scorekeeping side of things at length. Initially she didn't seem to understand; she was too focused on the task and the "scorkeeping" element. When she finally understood what I was trying to say, we were able to resolve the argument because we could talk about it rationally.
re: thinking about it:
I don't worry about it happening again, I have no fear about it because I know how to handle it if it does; I know I deserve better than that.
Cheating is an awful thing to do to someone and I don't think that's something you ever truly "get over." It's a traumatic experience, no different than PTSD.
we don't "get over it," but we do find ways to process and deal with those thoughts. We find ways to deal with them that are healthy. This isn't something that runs through my mind 24/7, but like anyone else, there are triggers for me that take me back there.
I think you could ask anyone that has found themselves in a situation like this, man or woman, and they would say the exact same thing. You never forget, you just give it less and less headspace. We're ONLY a year out from the start of the whole thing and less into piecing (like 10 months).
If you include hysterical bonding time, we're probably only 6 months into real, true piecing territory, where there is some semblance of normality in our lives.
So yes, I do think about it every day, but I don't think about it every second of every day like I did initially. I don't dwell on it, ruminate it over, and over, and over; It pops into my head, I give it a minute, then I go on with my life. But the point is it's still there every day, it's not something you can sweep under the rug and not deal with because that's when resentment starts to build.
Cheating is an awful thing to do to someone and I don't think that's something you ever truly "get over." It's a traumatic experience, no different than PTSD.
we don't "get over it," but we do find ways to process and deal with those thoughts. We find ways to deal with them that are healthy. This isn't something that runs through my mind 24/7, but like anyone else, there are triggers for me that take me back there.
I think you could ask anyone that has found themselves in a situation like this, man or woman, and they would say the exact same thing. You never forget, you just give it less and less headspace. We're ONLY a year out from the start of the whole thing and less into piecing (like 10 months).
I did. Preaching to the choir here.
That's why I was wondering why you were thinking about it daily.
Have you told her about the triggers as well?
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it's not something you can sweep under the rug and not deal with because that's when resentment starts to build.
I agree. The sense of betrayal isn't yours to fix on your own, But hers to assuage you, and as long as she is doing that, then you should try and move past it together.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Yeah, We have talked about those. Most of the time, it's not something that she's said or done (although every once in a while she might use a pet name that she called him). I tried to be open and honest with her in those times early in the piecing, and she recognizes those things now.
Now if it happens it's usually an article on my newsfeed, or a comment someone else makes and the A ends up on my mind. Not intentionally, but it's there none the less.
As time has gone on,though, I'm less and less affected by the triggers and fewer and fewer things trigger me, if that makes sense. It's all part of the process, I guess.
I'm trying really hard not to fall back into those patterns of distain and resentment. Initially, things seemed easy. as we've gone further along, though, you have to work at maintaining what you've built.
For me, my hardest thing has been boundaries. Set them for me and to protect me, but I haven't always done that. I have to be vigilant in protecting those boundaries so that I don't get steamrolled.
