Still learning AU Bob

[AU Bob]

Old thread.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2626880#Post2626880

[AU Bob]

Went out for dinner last night with friends, and things got a little complicated late into the night, one of the girls got a bit knarly with me because I have not hit on her, I can't win, I have had so much bad luck lately I wonder what I have done?

[AU Bob]

Zues Thanks for your last reply.
Man I wish I could think things out like you. Your friendship response was really what I should have done, I spose Im just not that switched on.
I can understand the DB friendship thing, but how do you do that when WAW is spending time with OM, would that not be sort of condoning it a little, I mean it would almost be like saying your OK with it in some way? how do you be friends with them but still not be ok with it? how do you let them know that?

[mvgfwd2]

Hi AUBob, Sorry I misread your sitch. It just looked like you were having a lot of contact with your WW. I agree, I don't think being friends is where you want to be with the OM still around. I would follow Sandi's rules, detach and GAL.

Does your W call, text often and come over to your house alot? That is what it sounded like to me, but I may have misunderstood.

You may want to talk with D17 about when she is going to see your W that they should meet at your W's place and not yours. I'm sure that is a sensitive subject with D17. She may like having mom over hoping you get back together, but it isn't helping at this time.

[Zues126]

Yeah, for me I am not friends with XW and haven't been since I found out the extent of her behavior. I give her the same courtesy I would to someone that bags my groceries. If she says something I won't interrupt. I can discuss the children without conflict. This is what's important.

[AU Bob]

She comes and gets D17 almost every sat-sun for a few hours, they go shopping and to W's mother and sisters place, they have a pool.
She dose not normally come inside when she gets D, just waits in the driveway until daughter comes out, not sure why she chose to come in this time, although she has done it before, this time she made a bee line strait to see me, probably cause I stayed in my room and did not come out, did not see why I should, this prompted her to say to me why can't we still be friends? I just said no I don't think so, she said do you want to have a coffee I agreed and went into the kitchen with her and spoke to her for a while about what I have been doing, that's about it.

[AU Bob]

Yes Zeus
This is why I don't think it's a good idea for me to be friends with her, I will talk to her if she initiates it and be cordial and interested about it, but that's it. I only contact her if I have to, and leave it at that.
I am trying to focus on GAL and being happy in myself, I am getting there, but like you said it takes time!

[AU Bob]

I go to a trivia night every wed night its me and six other women. Three of them are no longer with their partners. Its facinating listening to the things they talk about. They dont hold back on the subject matter because im there. Its quite an learning experiance to see and hear how women have changed over the last few decades.
It's a learning experiance to hear what the three unattached girls are looking for in a man, they quite freely talk about it to me.
They were talking about body image and that for most women a potential partner did not need a six pack and muscular body it was ok to be just reasonably in good shape. They also said the men were more inclined to look for women who had the body god gave them, not a surgicaly altered woman. I found this interesting.
The reason i mention this is i think it has some relevance to my sitch. I always wondered if i was good enough for my wife, and used to do things to try and prove it, nothing heavy, but i think it was damaging in a small way, and was one of the things that contributed to her WA.

[AU Bob]

My D23 told me yesterday that WW turned up with OM the orher day to collect a couple of kyacks i had stored there, D didnt know what to say and just let them take them.
This is the first time she has been brazen enought to let anyone see them together. After all the lying and denials to our faces that nothings going on!

[AU Bob]

I see in this fourm site a lot of shell shocked people. People desperate for the answers that can explain what has happened to them.
I was like that at the start and still seek answers now, i used to think about what I had done wrong and how i could have been more loving and a better husband, I beat myself up, and accepted most of the blame! It was all me.
My wife must have had issues with our marriage years before she left, we had differences of opinions with parenting styles and argued about it on many occations, i belive this is probably the main cause of fhe disharmony a d fhe resulting loss of love for me that she had. It got to the point sometimes that we would not talk. I now look back on it with regret not nesassarily because I was wrong, but because I could have handled it in a more understanding way, but that could be said of her too!
The other issue I had was jealosy. My wife is a young free spirit and still acts like a child sometimes. She is 46 but still acts like a teenager sometimes, she would flirt with my daughters boyfriends by saying what i thought were inapropriate comments, even my daughters were a bit anoyed about this sometimes. I used to protest sometimes but she felt it was just a bit of fun.
The other jealosy issue she had was she said I did not like her being around other men i did not know. This was partialy true, because i felt her flirtatious behaviour could get her into trouble with some men. I also think that my insecurity about wether i was good enough for her fueled this anxiety toward it as well. She also was not a person who would just give you a hug and say I love you much either. That always made me wonder as well in tbe whole 32 years i was with her i think it happened mabe a dosen times. I am not saying she did not love me, she just had an issue with expressing it. She used to say that i should already know it and should accept that, but I dont agree, i think every now and then there should be a gesture of how you love someone.
These are some of the things i have reflected on since she left, it has helped me to understand some of the things i need to work on, and some of the things that are ok and i should not have regrets about. I had issues but so did she.
The longer this drags on the more I realise wether we were actually compatible in the first place, we were very young and inexperianced.
The changes in society today have a lot to do with it as well, we have councilors advocating personal happiness at the expence of everything else. I think this is damaging, its impossible to be happy all the time when you have a family to look after. I think social media has a lot to do with it too. Facebook has broken a few marriages that I know of, old flames being found and caught up with are too tempting for some.
Reality TV shows so give a distorted and unrealistic view on whats acceptable in todays society. The lifestyle of these people is definately not normal but people aspire to have it fir themselves, its not good enough for a girl to have a normal handbag, it has to be a Kardashian one!
I spose what I am getting at is the world has changed quite a lot in the last few decades and the institution of marriage and long term relationships may be coming to an end, we may be moving into lifetimes that we have multiple relationships, how this wil work with children I don't know.
Leaving your spouse seems to be becoming increasingly popular. The stigma attached to it is evaporating, its becoming acceptable to just leave and not work on it. Remember you need to have personal happiness!