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Sounds like last night went very well. You did a great job in listening and staying calm. Your h is still finding his way and it's going to be a while...but you need to allow things to slowly unfold. The slower, the better.

Now, it's time to sit quietly and allow the answers to drop into your lap. You've got this!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I did it. My goal was to get through the last two weeks without any drama, without hearing H's speech and without hearing the D word. H leaves tomorrow and I would describe this trip home as a good one -- the first good one in a long time ... actually since BD. I don't know if assistant's presence made a difference in how he interacted with me or not, but I have to think that he will leave here with more positive thoughts about "us" than negative ones.

Tonight we were discussing the family members he stays with when he's here. He was talking about the family dynamics and talked about the anger and difficulties between the couple. He said he felt like he was walking on eggshells when he was there.

Then he said he now understood what I went through with him and apologized. He said he knows just how hard it was for me to deal with him and he was sorry.

I didn't know how to respond. I didn't want to say that it was difficult and I didn't want to say, "No problem," so I just listened and let him speak. I mean, you don't really want to validate that they were being a total, insensitive jerk, do you? And you sure don't want to say it was no big deal!

We also talked about "living to work" vs "working to live" and he said he had been living to work ... that the business became his whole life ... and that he intended to change that. Music to my ears!

One of the things that I've noticed with H is that he did hear (through all that fog) what I said and gave serious consideration to my words. My advice is to be careful what you say because they are listening! I don't know how that will play out in my case. I just wanted to point out that they do hear you, so choose your words carefully. I hope H will be able to forgive some of my more nasty truth darts, but only time will tell.

In the meantime, my life goes on. I'm in a good place and love it here. I'm okay!


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
BD: 9-23-2013
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I give a large majority of the credit for the success this time when your h was here to you. It's the way you handled yourself, not only around him, but also w/the assistant. True, you didn't particularly care for her being around, but you dropped your "defenses" a bit and allowed things to flow along in a nice way. The way you responded to him gave him cause to stop and think about YOU and the way things are.

So kudos to you for a job well done! Stay positive and good things will come your way.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I have to share this one because in all the years I've been hanging around on this site, I don't think I've seen this one.

I actually did get a brief Valentine's message from H via text, but it was what accompanied the message that made my jaw drop.

H is part of a running club that "celebrates" Valentine's each year by donning red dresses (men and women) and doing their usual weekly run in that attire but H took it to the next level. H sent pics of himself decked out in a red cocktail style dress and a long blonde wig. He had apparently even put on a bra and stuffed it because he was rather nicely endowed! One of the poses was such to show off an (unshaven) leg. At least he didn't put on make-up.

I had absolutely no idea how to respond to that so I just said I was glad he had fun.

The thing that boggles my mind is this is the kind of stuff he would have had nothing to do with pre-MLC. He would have called these folks nut jobs. Now, it's great fun. Ahh .... the wonderful world of MLC!


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
BD: 9-23-2013
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OMG! I'm sure you had a good chuckle over the photo. We have something similar here whereby the men dress up and run in heels. They seem to really enjoy doing it for charity. I'm sure your h had a blast and I sure hope he didn't twist an ankle. You've got to have a sense of humor w/these nutty buddies.

Your response was great! I'm sure you were not only shocked but speechless as well.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I've been doing some thread reading today and a question that I meant to pose a while ago came to mind.

H me told some time ago (after he broke up with OW) that they argued all the time. She would get very angry if he talked to me (which he did routinely for business). He also said he told her she couldn't be his best friend because I was his best friend! (Of course he was telling me at the same time that I was responsible for every miserable thing that had ever happened to him.) That also led to arguments. Gosh, I can't imagine why.

After giving his usual speech about dumping me and getting D during the holidays, in which he said as far as he was concerned we were through, I causally asked if he'd been dating. I was fully prepared for him to say yes and he did. I just played like a stone and did my best to show no emotion and behave like it was no big deal. He then went on to say one date asked what he was looking for and he said he probably shouldn't have said it, but he told her about our relationship (back when) and how wonderful it was, but that he blew it up and he knew he would never find that again.

I'm going to go way out on a limb and assume that there is some truth to all that. I also realize that the admission about the most recent dates, at least, may have been solely to push my jealously button, bait me into a fight or test my reaction. Who knows?

Anyway, my question (and I'd love to hear some thoughts) ... why would he seemingly sabotage a relationship with an OW that way. I mean, who says that kind of stuff to a person you might be interested in -- especially one you're already hot and heavy involved with? I can only come up with two possible reasons:

1. Somewhere deep down he didn't really want to get heavily into the relationship and subconsciously(?) sabotaged it or

2. It was a tactic to make the OW put more effort into trying to replace me and jump through hoops trying to give him what he had with me.

And question #2: Why go into that detail with me??

Thanks,
2T2M


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
BD: 9-23-2013
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OMG, red dress, a wig, and a bra… You made my day, 2T! I bet there are a few more MLCers in that group, LOL.

As for your questions, I think it is both, the subconscious sabotaging part and manipulation. It is also all about him and his needs, so he doesn’t even think how his words could affect his relationship.

Question #2, I have to think about some more… I think part of it that he wants to be in two worlds at the same time. And you might be right, that he was trying to make you jealous, just in case he would need you.

This is my take on it. I’m sure the vets will have more substance in their answers. I would love to hear other opinions too, since I ask myself similar questions about why H says and does certain things too.


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I think it is the MLC skewed logic. Saying things and not appreciating (most) others would find that unnacceptable, perverse.

It's a bit like my H first and foremost wanting to be a full time Dad, and so he needs a (10+ years) younger woman to oblige. Would you want to become his GF on that basis? He's apparently very open about his great broodiness to those around him. Feels to me a bit like a king seeking a queen (must be fertile) to bear an heir. Most people would look at these situations and think- what??

Skewed logic IMHO smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thank you, BF and Sotto, for your input.

BF, I will say that is one Valentine's message I will never forget. After he sent the pics I guess he had second thoughts because he asked me what I planned to do with them. I said I wasn't going to do anything with them. (The last thing I want to do is show off pics of my h with knockers!) BTW, there was a contest and he was disappointed he came in second! He actually apologized today for sending them, saying he "knew" I didn't really want to see all those pics. I just said they were funny and changed the subject.

I think I agree there is a bit of both - staying in a safe zone and manipulation - going on. And the tactics are, as Sotto mentioned, skewed logic.

I guess it's comes from the confusion. I want this but I don't know if I really want it???

Sotto, it sounds like your h is deep in MLC-land and I sympathize. In part one of my h's MLC, his biggest issue was that he wanted children of his own. He's since changed his mind about that, but I thought it was interesting that he chose the one thing he knew I couldn't give him to focus on as a reason for leaving. (This go around, he's decided he wants to live overseas knowing I would never move that far from my kids and grandkids.)


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
BD: 9-23-2013
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I have to agree with both Bright and Sotto. Your h is still somewhat confused and is still trying to find the right costume to wear to the grown up ball that will take place at the end of his "season in MLC".

You have given him a safe place to land since he sent you the photos of him all dressed up on Valentine's Day. He had to be reassured that you weren't going to show those photos to anyone, and now he's relieved that you told him that you didn't have any plans for them. In his own little confusion, he still wanted you to be a part of his fun day and wanted to share a bit w/you.

You have to remember he's going to be all over the place until he finally settles down. The question is, can you detach a bit more? I think that if you can look at him as just a friend, the man next door or a local teenager might help you a bit. You have to go beyond the outer body and not think of him as your h and try to look at him as someone who is trying to grow up. He's operating on nothing but emotions right now and I would venture to say, he's going to do a lot of strange things in the months to come. He's experimenting w/doing different things and who knows, this might be a good thing...at least he knows he doesn't want to wear a dress or heels long term. LOL!

If you can dig deeper for more patience and a sense of humor, I think you'll begin to see more and more of him trying to figure things out and grow up.

Hang in there. Try not to over analyze what he says or does because it's not going to make sense to you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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