What the heck is this?

[2Times2Many]

Hi everyone.

I haven't posted since last August. After making what looked like a sincere effort to try to start working on our R, H did a 180 in late June and suddenly went back to the "I don't want to be a H, I don't want to be M, I want to live overseas on my own, blah, blah, blah" mantra.

H is out of town a lot --- I mean like most of the time --- and when he returns home, it's mainly due to checking on the business we own (which he's pretty much left to me to manage). I had been letting him stay at the house when he was here, primarily to facilitate some DB'ing. But every time he'd come home, we would get into the same conversation as above, I'd get hurt and angry, I'd brood a couple of days, a fight would inevitably follow ... you know the drill.

I got to the point that I hated walking in my own door when he was here. So in June I told him I'd like him to not stay at the house when he was here and I packed up his personal belongings before his next trip back in August. He moved out, but we still see each other at the office and for dinner a couple of times a week when he's here and we still talk on the phone regularly about business ... rarely anything personal other than how are you.

Ironically, the times he's been back since all that, the same conversation has come up, with the same results. This last time was particularly brutal. His family was having a family portrait done and he didn't think I should be in the picture since "we are going to be divorced." So much for separate quarters. (I do have a plan to alter the outcome of that conversation the next time it comes up.)

Anyway, other than that, I was doing really well and working hard on moving on with my life.

But Christmas was really rough on me this year. My Mom died last Christmas Eve, H left before her funeral services, and our anniv is right after Christmas - the 4th one I've spent with a vase of flowers - and the 4th New Year's he's missed. I was really, really, really down. I was in a really bad place.

So, as I was sliding toward rock bottom, I sent a text to him and said what was on my mind, which wasn't exactly complimentary toward him. (I know, I know, wrong thing to do!)

He had a somewhat short and cryptic reply. So, in an effort to repair some damage, I wrote back and told him what was going on with me. (I had some issues with depression and PTSD years ago at the hands of some former co-workers. H was awesome in helping me work through all that, so he knew what I was talking about now.)

I'm doing much better now with the help of my C.

But, H's response has been totally unexpected. He's been extremely supportive, complimenting me, telling me I'm a truly unique and special individual, saying I have and do make him a better person and that he cares more than he shows or says.

He sent a pic of a quote from somewhere that says it's good to have a friend that understands what you do not say. I don't know if he's saying he understands what I don't say or vice versa.

(Of course, Job, I have acknowledged, validated and/or showed appreciation for all that good stuff he said.)

So here I was expecting to chase him even further "off" by being too needy, but this is not at all the reaction I expected from him.

Would sure love some input from some of the pros around here.

Thanks,
2T2M

[job]

I'm glad you are seeing a counselor because you need someone who is safe to talk to and work through things w/o being judged.

I think it was a very good idea for him to live somewhere else when he comes home. The pattern was there and let's face it, you both were under a lot of stress and trying to keep the peace when both of you knew that tempers probably were simmering beneath the surface about everything that has gone down. So, you still work together and have dinner every so often. When you have dinner, keep off the relationship topic, find things outside of the "relationship" to talk about and eventually he might thaw out just a bit more.

As for the family portrait, I can understand why his family might not want to include you. After all, you are separated and heaven knows what he's told them, i.e., blood is thicker than water. It's just a picture and if you do find your way back to each other, another can be done at a later time. I know that this hurts right now, but let it go. Family can be really strange about separations/divorce because they don't know what to say or do and do not want to be in the middle of the situation.

I'm glad you wrote and advised him of what has been going on w/you. At least he does understand and has been supportive. That's a step in the right direction. I don't think you were being needy by telling him the truth of what's going on w/you. You were being honest and unless I missed something, you didn't ask him to help you out. He's trying to be a friend and show you some understanding and kindness right now.

At this time, I wouldn't read too much into his "sudden" change of heart. I would keep my expectations very low and treat him just as you would a friend. I do think he considers you a friend right now and who knows, this may be the step in the right direction.

For now, just go about your business. Allow him to come to you. Be sure to purchase some duct tape so that you won't be tempted to contact him again and hand out some hard truth darts about him. He doesn't want to hear it and will shut down on you.

Try to accept him for who he is and do not try to rush the process. Continue to work on you...that's what is important right now...YOU! Keep the focus on you. Okay?

[2Times2Many]

Thanks for your input, Job.

Re the family picture. It wasn't his family, it was him. After he said he didn't think I should be in it, I thought about it for a couple of days and told him I thought he was correct. I shouldn't be in it. He immediately changed direction and said his parents would be extremely upset if I wasn't in the picture. Huh???

I spoke with my BIL about it later and he confirmed that the thought that I wouldn't be in a family photo never crossed his parents minds. I know they think the world of me and his Mom, especially, is very concerned about him and can't figure out what is going on with him. I don't talk to them about it.

I think the whole thing was an attempt to bait me into a fight.

I will purchase some duct tape. I had pretty much given up all hope and didn't really much care anymore. I thought he was a total lost cause ... and he still may be. But I think I'll continue to go about my business, leave the door ajar, zip my lips and see where things go.

Thanks again for the advice and perspective.

2T2M

[job]

You handled the family picture situation very well. Maybe it was his way of hurting you in a passive-aggressive manner. But, you did the right thing by telling him he was correct. That cut off his baiting you into a heated discussion.

You've had a lot of things happen in your life the last few years and now you need some time and space to heal. It's good that you've gotten to the point of not caring that much and that's called detachment and/or dropping the rope. People in crisis can sense when we've detached and will try to bait us back into their drama and this could what the family picture incident may have been about...but whatever is going on w/him is all about him.

Continue on your path, take the time to find YOU again. It's okay to leave the door ajar and see where things go.

Don't be a stranger...when you need to chat, come here. Someone is always around to listen and offer advice.

Take care.

[2Times2Many]

Very interesting couple of weeks. H was on a dive trip with buddies (one that I would have absolutely loved) and made a point to text once or twice each day to let me know he was ok and to check on me after my recent meltdown.

When he returned back to his place, I sent a text thanking him for taking time out during his trip to let me know he hadn't met a shark underwater and to check on me.

Then the shocker ... He replied that there were "many, many" times on his trip when he wished I were there. He said he also missed having someone around who really "got" him and understood him even when no words were spoken and he talked about his loneliest times in a way that indicated my absence contributed to the loneliness. Wow. It's been a long, long time since he opened up like that!

He comes back to town in about 10 days and it will be interesting to see how he behaves in person. I don't think we will have much interaction alone though as he's bringing an employee with him and she (business R only - no doubt there) will require a lot of "babysitting" and I intend to let him do it since I didn't think she needed to come over here in the first place and told him so months ago.

Saw my IC yesterday. She believes that the repeated conversations/heated discussions he initiates about what he wants to do with his life (without me) are attempts to push me to start D proceedings. She may be right.

His tactic (if that is what it is) was working because I was definitely headed in that direction. But the more action I took toward that (like seeing my attorney) the more it felt just wrong. It was like my gut was screaming, "SLOW DOWN!" So that's what I've decided to do. In fact, I have decided that if he really wants a D, then he can start the proceedings. I've taken steps to safeguard myself financially and I'm okay right where I am for now so I can just stand still for a while and let him drive the boat.

I have decided to sort of borrow a suggestion from DR and if he starts that convo on this trip home I intend to stand up and start stripping off my clothes. I expect (yep - expect) that at some point he'll question what I'm doing and I intend to tell him that this convo always ends the same way with me being hurt and angry so I decided that instead of getting hurt and angry this time, I would just get naked. Then when I recall the convo it will be with a smile as I remember the look on his face! I figure that is definitely doing something different. AND, he'll never be able to start that rant again without recalling the striptease.

I'm off to see a movie tonight (going solo) that I'm told is somewhat gory. It's should be interesting with no one there to tell me when it's okay to open my eyes. It's always the little things that get you, right. :-)

[2Times2Many]

Okay, the guys I work with were pulling my chain. The movie had maybe two gross scenes, but was not as bad as they led me to believe. They'll hear from me when we get back to the office. Shame on them!

It was so good to get out ... even if solo. After my Christmas meltdown, I reread DR for ... well, I've lost track of how many times but it had been a while. You think you have digested it all, but always find it helpful to go back and read it again.

I don't know how many have read "Getting through to the man you love" but I highly recommend it as well. Not so much to help with those of us dealing with MLCers, but because it gives so much insight into changing ourselves to interact with basically anyone.

One of the things that I struggled with for a very long time was GAL. I thought that meant go out, do things with friends, stay active, be social. I've come to realize that I "lean" more toward the introvert side of the "vert" spectrum. I really struggled with the "be social" stuff because it just wasn't me. (If you listen to h now, he is a card caring extrovert. Not!) Still, I felt like I was not doing things "right" because I preferred to turn inward instead of being more extroverted and seeking a harem of friends as H has. Once I realized that I was still trying to behave as others (including h) "expected" me to without giving any real thought to who I really was and what works for me, it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt like ... this is who I am and I'm happy with who I am and I'm going to keep on being who I am!

It was then that I was able to let go of the anger, the resentment and all the other negative emotions that come with being the LBS of a MLCer. How that meltdown affected my M is yet to be discovered, but it definitely made a difference in my outlook on life. I am good with who I am!

It really is true ... you, too, are on a journey and time is indeed your friend. I've discovered so much about myself and am a much stronger person because of it. Regardless of where this journey leads me, I know I will be just fine.

Oh, and for those who question my "striptease" plan that I mentioned above ... that is not at all out of character for the "normal" me. H has often referred to me as his whacky wife and even my son calls me his "whacky Mom." That's me, that's who I've always been and I love who I am! (And I know that H will get a laugh out of it too .... no matter how negative his message was meant to be. Hope I get to do it soon!)

[job]

Your IC is right. Truly, they want us to do all of the dirty work, i.e., filing for divorce, so that they don't look like the bad guys and they can say "she filed, I didn't". Many times over, they push, they spew and also initiate a lot of heated discussions to convince us that they want out, to start a new life, and that we are reason for all of their heartache, therefore, we give up and file. I agree, if he wants the divorce, then he will have to do the heavy lifting on it.

I'm glad you finally figure out that GAL is not just about staying active w/friends, doing things, etc., but also you can have times of just sitting in your home and enjoying music or a good movie. It's about moving forward w/your life and rediscovering the person that is deep within you. It's about looking in the mirror and deciding what you would like to change about yourself and making those changes permanent and the bottom line....being happy w/yourself.

You definitely have had some interesting times since you last posted and from where I'm sitting, it's all good. Keep up the good work and when he comes to town, remember...be yourself and don't take the bait if he starts a conversation that isn't setting right w/you.

[Sotto]

This aspect mattered to me a great deal:

"Truly, they want us to do all of the dirty work, i.e., filing for divorce, so that they don't look like the bad guys and they can say "she filed, I didn't".

I told my H that truly I didn't want our M to end and if he wanted to D, he would need to file and I would respect his wish & not contest his application. I have no regrets about that - though it wasn't nice that the D is now based on my unreasonable behaviour. But that it what it is I guess.

Glad you have got into a groove with GAL that is genuinely enriching for you. That's what it's all about I think.

Take care xx

[2Times2Many]

H is back in town for the next two weeks with his assistant in tow. I'm not particularly fond of her .... I don't consider her a friend of the M. She's more a die-hard loyalist to H.

I imagine that H will be tired of her in about a week as she needs constant "babysitting." She doesn't know anyone here except a couple of employees (who aren't fond of her either), can't drive, doesn't know the area, etc. She's been here twice before and stayed here at the house. It gets very tiresome very fast to try to entertain her.

I suspect H will be looking to me for some "relief" at some point. I just have to find a way to beg off without creating drama. I don't know how I'm going to do that.

My gd(16) spent the weekend with me. Weather didn't quite cooperate with us, so we didn't get to do everything we had planned, but it was so wonderful having her here. I took her to see the movie "Sisters" without realizing just how raunchy the movie was going to be. She enjoyed it, but I had to caution her about how descriptive she was about it to her Dad. Grandma might catch some heat for that one!

I'm a very happy camper today. I had a squirrel take up residence in the attic and, with the help of one of our employees, have been trying to trap him for about 2 weeks. I finally got him today! Hooray. Bye-bye pest! He will be relocated far, far away!

Since our employee is coming over to deal with the critter tonight, I had a good excuse to decline a dinner invite from H (with asst along, of course). Funny, there was a time I would have been so disappointed about having to do that. But, I'm actually kind of glad I had the excuse. Maybe I just want one more quiet evening at home before the MLC drama begins. Or, I suppose it could have something to do with the asst. I am so not looking forward to the next two weeks. This will be tough.

But, if nothing else, I was "busy!" And on his first night back! Yeah me!

[job]

Since it looks like you are going to have some unwelcome company, I would definitely find things to do. I would go to a book store, coffee shop, take in a new movie, invite some friends over or see if your friends will have you over for dinner or something. It's not your place to babysit a grown woman. You will find a way to beg off in a nice way. There should be plenty of things you can do outside your home to avoid having to entertain her.

I'm glad you caught the squirrel. They can be a menace, especially if you have one and that one has babies or invites others to come play in your attic. You'll need to locate the opening and block it off or you might end up w/more unwanted guests in your attic.

I'm glad you spent some time w/your gd. I'm sure she's growing into a beautiful young lady.

Good luck w/your "unwanted" house guest.